Monday, June 3, 2024

Large expansion developed at retail centre building site

MUDDY BUILDING SITE, HALESWORTH – A group of sex-starved workmen on a Suffolk building site is demanding the installation of a special cubicle dedicated to a unique form of on-the-job stress relief.

By Colin Allcabs, Consumer Editor

The site, located near Halesworth, Suffolk, is witnessing an uprising of sorts as the workmen, with an average age of 52, find themselves in a precarious situation – their post-menopausal wives have seemingly lost interest in bedroom activities, leaving them to fend for themselves in the throes of midlife lust.

I can’t get no satisfaction

Dubbed the “Lonely Hearts Construction Crew,” these knackered navvies argue that the lack of intimacy at home has resulted in unbearable levels of frustration, adversely affecting both morale and productivity.

Accordingly, before agreeing to start work on a new multi-million pound retail centre, the gang demanded a designated wanking cubicle, adorned with motivational posters, Rolling Stones music, and an endless supply of kingsize tissues.

Carry on up the building site

The site management, miffed by the bizarre request, is reportedly first considering alternative solutions such as organizing team-building exercises, hiring motivational speakers, or even introducing a “Bring Your Spouse to Work Day” in the hopes of reigniting the flames of passion.

However, the workers remain steadfast in their demand, citing ‘irreconcilable differences’ with their wives’ and drawing attention to potential benefits of the ‘wank lab’ such as increased job satisfaction, improved concentration, and a significant reduction in on-site tension. It is rumoured that the workmen have also requested that a large-boobed secretary be hired in the site office.

Hard hat hard-ons

As the controversy unfolds quicker than a glossy wank mag, one thing is for certain – bosses will have to satisfy their crew quickly if the new retail centre is to be completed on schedule.

Building is due to start next week and until the builders’ demands are met, will only be completed one erection at a time.

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