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Lose weight with brilliant new diet lipstick

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Lose weight with brilliant new diet lipstick

Super Glue Diet Lispstick

Chemists have invented an amazing new lipstick that helps you lose weight, it emerged today.

The wonder product is guaranteed to shed the pounds within days of being applied to the lips.

Users say the product, called Super Glue Diet Lipstick, really helps dieting and has been known to add a certain peace and quiet to a home.

One early customer, Lorraine Fisher, 34, of Stowmarket, Suffolk said: “I applied the lipstick and found I not only lost the cravings to eat – I simply couldn’t eat at all.

“I’ve tried all the diet crazes and fads before, but nothing worked or the weight piled back on afterwards. But the effect of the Super Glue Diet Lipstick was amazing. I lost a stone within a week.”

Ms Fisher, who works at the ICI paint factory, admitted there were one or two side effects.

“My boyfriend often tells me to shut my mouth. Well with this lipstick I could not actually open my mouth properly at all. He really enjoyed the peace and quiet.

“I was on liquids for two weeks – fortunately that included gin and tonic… slimline of course.”

Super Glue Diet Lipstick is available from all good chemists, and some bad ones, priced at £3.99. One application is usually enough.

The news comes as it was revealed that drinking just half a bottle of wine before going to bed each night is another excellent weight-loss plan.

Amazing Amy, 101, insists cigar a day keeps the doctor away

The Editor
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Amazing Amy, 101, insists cigar a day keeps the doctor away

Old woman, 101, smokes fat cigar a day

Amazing Amy Johnson celebrated her 101st birthday yesterday by puffing on a large cigar, just as she has every day for more than 80 years.

Ms Johnson claims her favourite Cuban cigars have kept her young – and laughed off doctors’ warnings that smoking is bad for you.

“How can it be so?” she said as she celebrated with friends in Ipswich yesterday. “I’ve made it to 101 years old and I’ve hardly ever had so much as a cough!

“So I say, a big cigar a day keeps the doctor away.”

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Ms Johnson, who is a well-known local character, was born in Long Melford during World War One, and moved to Ipswich when she was 16 to work as an assistant in a tobacconist.

It was there that she developed a fondness for cigars, and began her extraordinary habit of getting through one Cuban-style cigar every day, pausing briefly in World War Two when suplies were hard to come by.

She steadfastly ignored health warnings about the perils of smoking, and says she is living proof that a good tobacco can have benefits.

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“I never married,” she said. “But I was happy to have a Cuban as my companion. I enjoy it every day, but I am careful not to smoke it all at once.

“So I have around a third of it in the morning, more in the afternoon, then finish it off after supper. I’ve hardly ever go to the doctors, and I’ve never been in hospital.”

Her habit has caused some issue at her nursing home in recent years, where for legal reasons she now has to go outside to smoke.

“There is a shelter by the back door and I join some of the staff there. I’m more like to die from catching a cold out there,” she joked.

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Suffolk lion sightings spark huge police hunt

The Editor
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Suffolk lion sightings spark huge police hunt

Police look for lion on the loose in Suffolk

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

A police operation to catch a lion on the loose in a Suffolk village was called off when the dangerous animal turned out to be a stuffed toy left in a field.

Suffolk police received three calls from worried elderly residents at Saxtead, who claimed they had spotted a lion stalking the long grass on the village green.

Officers sent three patrol cars to the village near Framlingham and even sent up the police helicopter to find the rogue big cat.

Villagers were warned to stay indoors and the A1120 was closed while calls were made to regional zoos to check if any lions had escaped.

But the search was called off after 45 minutes when a constable discovered the “lion” was, in fact, a stuffed toy that had been carelessly discarded on recreational land.

Police search for a lion at SaxteadMane attraction: police searching for the Suffolk lion in Saxtead

A police source said: “The stuffed toy was quite large and certainly could be mistaken easily for a real lion, especially by someone who is elderly and whose eyesight is longer as good as it used to be.

“It’s always better to be safe that sorry, so we sent officers to check the area, and used the force helicopter with a heat-seeking camera to look for the beast.

“We’re glad it was a false alarm and nobody was killed.”

Man refused mortgage to buy vegetables

The Editor
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Man refused mortgage to buy vegetables

Courgette shortage

Suffolk man Jon Stevens has been refused the mortgage he needed to buy this week’s vegetables.

Mr Stevens had saved up all week to buy a lettuce, some courgettes and a cauliflower, and was hoping to borrow the rest from his bank.

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But his mean-spirited bank manager turned down his request for a 15-year mortgage to pay for the essential basket of veg.

“I had saved hard for what I thought would be a pretty good deposit for the vegetables at Tesco, but the bank would not fund the difference,” said Mr Stevens, 46, a teacher from Newmarket.

He added: “I even offered to extend the repayment period to 25 years, and pay higher interest, but the bank would not budge.”

Shoppers across Britain are facing huge increases in vegetable prices, while other crops are fast disappearing from the shelves… all down to dodgy weather in Southern Europe.

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Some stores have introduced rationing, with a single lettuce now costing well over £1.

Mr Stevens said he was ignoring the temptation to use a high-interest pay-day loan and was now stocking up on crisps to see him through the crisis.

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Revealed: Donald Trump’s Norfolk ancestry with royal links

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Revealed: Donald Trump’s Norfolk ancestry with royal links

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

American President Donald Trump’s ancestors were Norfolk farmers with an incredible modern-day link to the Queen, we can reveal today.

We traced his family tree going back many generations, and discovered his ancestors eked out a living on farmland that is now part of Her Majesty’s sprawling Sandringham Estate.

Our special investigation featured weeks of sifting through thousands of documents and old photographs at the Norfolk Central Records Office, which unearthed the extraordinary Trump heritage in the village of West Newton, just south of Sandringham.

Mr Trump’s great, great-grandfather Archibald “Archie” Trump bought eight acres of land in 1827, and he toiled for more than 50 years with the help of his sons Abraham and Henry, before he died in 1879, aged 68.

The family endured many hardships, yet young Henry – who was Donald Trump’s great-grandfather – displayed some business acumen by being featured in an early edition of the Eastern Daily Press newspaper, posing for the camera as part of a feature about rearing geese.

henry trump norfolkTake a gander: Henry Trump, the President’s great grandfather, pictured as a young man
Henry displays many of the distinctive Trump features as a young boy, but as he grew older he bore an uncanny resemblance to Donald Trump. We discovered another photo of Henry, believed to be taken in 1880, just after his father’s death.

He would have been around 35 years old at this point, and the photograph, which featured in the West Newton parish newsletter, shows Henry was still working the land, as he poses proudly with a hay fork. He even has tiny hands!

Henry Trump in NorfolkFamily features: Henry as an older man was the spitting image of Donald
Henry had one son – Donald Trump’s grandfather, Isaac – who moved to the remote Isle of Lewis in Scotland when the family sold their Norfolk land to the Sandringham Estate, which had been the country retreat of British monarchs since 1868.

It seems extraordinary now that the Trump family’s first business venture, a smallholding farm in Norfolk, was sold to the British Royal Family.

The rest of the Trump family history is more commonly known. Isaac raised three daughters on the Isle of Lewis, one of whom was the President’s mother, Mary Anne, who moved to America in 1930 to work as a house servant.

The Suffolk Gazette guide to avoiding supermarket vegetable crisis

The Editor
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The Suffolk Gazette guide to avoiding supermarket vegetable crisis

Vegetable crisis

Are you distraught at the prospect of no lettuces or courgettes because of the dodgy Spanish weather?

We at the Suffolk Gazette DON’T like to think of our regular readers having to go without while shops ration healthy foods or display empty shelves.

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So we have brought in nutritionist Dr Sally Q Cumber to give you tips for this week’s shopping, bringing tasty alternatives to your usual veg.

– If you can’t get an iceberg lettuce, just go for an ice lolly. Both items are full of water and will do you no harm.

– Crunchy tangy radishes? If you can’t get these lovely crisps treats, just buy a bag of Twiglets.

Swap radishes for Twiglets to avoid vegetable crisisSwap your tangy radishes for Twiglets

– No plain old crunchy lettuce for you to sprinkle a little salt on? Swap for a bag of plain salted crisps. Just as crunchy as the lettuce and probably even more fun for the kids.

– No slurpy tasty tomatoes at your supermarket? Go for a Mars bar at room temperature and you will find it quite a pleasant alternative.

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– Missing chunks of bright orange butternut squash or carrots? Enjoy cheesy Wotsits which are the same colouring with almost as much goodness.

– For potato wedges, try Doritos crisps dunked in mayonnaise.

– And if strawberries are in short supply, try Haribo which are most realistic.

We hope you found these brilliant tips useful when you get to the supermarket later.

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Norfolk scientists make flying horse genetic blunder

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Norfolk scientists make flying horse genetic blunder

Norfolk scientists duck horse
By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

A secret weapons laboratory in Norfolk has been shut down after attempts to make a flying horse ended in disaster.

Boffins at the Sheringham research facility believed they could mutate a horse’s genes with a duck so that it could fly, literally under the radar.

But the bold experiments went wrong when the mutant white horse turned out to have a duck’s head without wings so it couldn’t take off.

It’s almost as strange as the locals evolving just one toe.

Funds from the Bernard Matthews Military Trust have now been withdrawn, and Norfolk’s hope of developing a “stealth horse” with which to attack Suffolk have been mothballed.

A scientist who is now applying for refugee status in Suffolk said: “We were tasked with creating something capable of flying under the radar and delivering a sh*t load of bombs. Unfortunately, we just ended up with a duck-horse thing capable of nothing more than a bomb load of sh”t.”

The news is the latest setback for Norfolk as it fights to overcome increasing border activity and incursions from the Suffolk Liberation Front.

Meanwhile, the duck-horse has been sent to graze in Downham Market, where human mutants live.

Cookie Monster has life-threatening diabetes

The Editor
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Cookie Monster has life-threatening diabetes

The Cookie Monster has diabetes

The Cookie Monster is suffering from life-threatening diabetes after years of bingeing on biscuits, it has been confirmed.

He was paid handsomely to stuff his face with cookies by television show Sesame Street – and is now paying the ultimate price.

Pals say the Cookie Monster, once a vivacious and fun-loving character whose catchphrases included “Me want cookie!”, “Me eat cookie!” and “Om nom nom nom”, is now a sad, overweight recluse who has to inject himself with insulin.

At the height of his fame, he lived in a palatial Hollywood mansion, but now he has moved to England to live out his last years in a bungalow in Felixstowe, Suffolk.

One friend said: “He was exploited in the name of chasing television ratings. It is shameful that it has come to this – he cannot earn a living anymore.

“His so-called showbiz friends have deserted him, and he is a burden on the National Health Service.

“Once he was blue and full of life – now he is grey and old before his time.”

Cookie Monster

The Cookie Monster, 43, was a fitness fanatic when he first joined the Sesame Street cast.

He was asked to eat cookies greedily for the cameras, but the gorging became an addiction and he started eating them in his dressing room and at home.

The Cookie Monster soon developed early signs of diabetes, but he could not give up the cookies, and once even slipped into a diabetic coma.

A spokesman for Ipswich Hospital, which has been treating the blue muppet for over a year, said: “This is a lesson for young people everywhere – eat in moderation.”

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