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Danny Dyer buys Lord of East Anglia title

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Danny Dyer buys Lord of East Anglia title

Danny Dyer as a King

EastEnders star Danny Dyer poses as the King of England after a BBC documentary revealed he is a direct descendant of Royalty.

The Cockney actor posted the photograph on his Facebook account and revealed he had bought the Lord of East Anglia title to celebrate his new-found heritage.

Who Do You Think You Are?, the popular family history documentary, proved that Dyer was not only a direct descendant of Thomas Cromwell, who was Henry XIII’s fearsome right-hand man, but also of Edward III and on to William the Conqueror.

Down-to-earth Dyer, who lives in Essex, visited Suffolk to discover his ancestors also lived at Otley Hall – and he was related to Lord Tollemache, who owns nearby Helmingham Hall. “He even has a drawbridge,” Dyer remarked on the show.

A pal said: “Danny is a right old proper East End boy, so he was amazed to find out his family history. He thought it would be a right touch to buy a title because he really is a toff now.

“The Lord of East Anglia title was available for £20,000, so he snapped it up. It does not entitle him to anything, but he can now be a Lord officially!”

It is not clear whether Danny, 39, who plays Mick Carter running the Queen Vic pub in Albert Square, can now be called Lord Dyer in the programme credits or demand a pay rise.

The Anita Bush Christmas gift guide

The Editor
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The Anita Bush Christmas gift guide

By Anita Bush, Gardening Editor

Well, dear readers, with Christmas nearly upon us I have turned my back on the frosty garden and don’t intend to venture out until it’s time to harvest the Brussels sprouts from the allotment to go with the turkey. And, luckily for you I decided to go shopping instead.

What an array of gifts I found out there and on the internet. As not everyone you are buying for is a keen gardener, I have offered you a comprehensive list of elegant presents which will make you popular with everyone from the baby in the family to the maiden aunt.

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I have chosen wisely, and although the ideas are sophisticated, there is something to suit every pocket. You will not find a list like this in those ordinary newspapers. Again, the Suffolk Gazette gives you the best in British journalism today. So, here is my list, or you could just buy a mug from the Suffolk Gazette, of course…

Things to do in NorfolkIn this case, you can judge a book by its cover

A BOOK FOR YOUR ADVENTUROUS ONES
This superb four-page guide to the county of Norfolk is stuffed with things to do… like a visit to the defunct ancient home of that long-forgotten tribe, Norwich City Football Club, or a paddle at Yarmouth with a hanky tied on your head. Or you could spend an hour stuck in the reeds in a boat on the Norfolk Broads. Well that’s about it really. But there is also a lovely photo of a broken windmill. This rare tome is available for about £1.50 from one of those dusty old antiquarian bookshops that smell like a stale custard pie.

iced-biscuitsSpend pounds, pile on pounds

EIGHT CALORIE-PACKED BISCUITS FOR JUST £17.50
Your gardening pals or relatives will adore these fruit and vegetable shaped iced biscuits which taste even better than the real thing. Perfect with a glass of Christmas sherry, these nibbles are laden with healthy calories and will give the recipient the energy to get out to that Weight Watchers meeting on a cold night. At just £17.50 for eight, they are almost as pricey as a second-hand car but well worth it. Order them from Not On The High Street.com or get the kids to try making some with bogies and jumper fluff for just the cost of the ingredients.

Nigel Farage pillow caseSleep with Nigel

THE NIGEL FARAGE PILLOWCASE
Would you like to take Nigel Farage to bed? Or have a pillow fight with him? Well here is your chance with this item of deluxe bedding, which will add that touch of elegance to your bedroom or even add value to your home after Brexit. It is washable so that tear stains can be removed, or any other stains that might crop up. Priced at just £8.99, this gift is available on eBay UK.

Willy strawsStocking filler

WILLY-SHAPED DRINK STRAWS
Fun for all the family if you give one of these sophisticated Willy-shaped drinking straws to your maiden aunt to sip her snowball cocktail through. Of course the joke will be on you if she doesn’t know what it is! Just £1.25 a pack of six (no, not a pack of three) from Party Delights website.

Fidel Castro bearHave a Fidel in bed

FIDEL CASTRO TEDDY BEAR
For the child in the family you don’t like, the plush Fidel Castro Teddy Bear is a fine souvenir of the murderous Cuban dictator who recently died. The bear can be yours for £15.50 from CafePress website.

Leather knee padsKneasy does it

KINKY LEATHER KNEE PADS
Fitting all knee sizes, these comfy leather pads are the ideal for the gardener, or dogger in your family. With a soft protective inner they are perfect for weeding or committing sexual acts in the long grass with comfort and precision. Available from The Worm That Turned website at just £29.99.

Carrot holderWinter warmer

THE ULTIMATE CARROT OR COURGETTE STORAGE UNIT
A perfect gift for a fellow gardener, this carrot holder is ideal for these cold days when you need to prevent freezing. It can also be used for storing a courgette. If you are strapped for cash, you could get granny to crochet it for you, by adapting a Willy Warmer knitting pattern. Suitable for vegans. This carrot gift cannot be returned after use. For over-18s only. Available from Etsy.com at around £10.

Leaf grabScoop up a bargain

SANTA CLAWS!
Just the thing for your gardening friend to gather a large amount of leaves or compost in one go, thus saving time and energy. These fabulous, elegant leaf grabbers are also useful for pinching the bottom of a very fat person or grabbing all the Doritos at a buffet. They can also be used as flippers in event of flooding. £8.99 from Greenkey Garden and Home Ltd.

Donald Trump hand soapGrope on a rope

THE DONALD TRUMP APPROVED GROPE ON A ROPE
This soap reaches the those difficult spots while you are in the shower. Or perfect for grabbing a bit of pussy. This good, clean fun gift is £5.95 from IWOOT. Or Trump Towers Gift Shop, New York.

Hand vacuumWhat a relief for grandad

THE BLACK AND PECKER HANDY HAND TOOL
A great gift for grandad or single men, this Black and Pecker vacuum may seem pricey at around £75 but it boasts extra strong suction, reaches the parts other hand vacs can’t and your hands don’t touch the dirt. Available under the counter at all good electrical shops.

Wine is the Best MedicineThe real Christmas spirit

MY FAVOURITE HEALTH BOOK
With the trend for health books and blogs, I thought I would let you in on this book of natural remedies. My husband and I swear by it. By that we mean it’s fecking brilliant. We make yoush of it three timeshh a day with mealsh. It even hash cureshh for liver diseashh. And despression. And alcolohizm. Copiesh are now rare asz mosht people left them down the pub but if you are lucky you might find one on Amazhon.

anita-bush-signature
That’s it. Hopefully this has given you some cool ideas for this festive season – remember to buy a Suffolk Gazette mug as well!

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Suffolk Gazette plays down significance of meeting notes gaffe

The Editor
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Suffolk Gazette plays down significance of meeting notes gaffe

The Suffolk Gazette management team has been forced to play down the significance of private meeting notes that were spotted by the media.

A bungling aide left an executive meeting at the media empire HQ yesterday, unaware the writing on his pad could be seen by waiting photographers.

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The notes contained a tantalising glimpse into the Suffolk Gazette’s future strategy, including a new cookery column called Have Your Cake and Eat It.

And there are explicit policies outlining ideas about how to deal with Norfolk – and in particular Norwich owner Delia Smith’s lawyer.

Suffolk Gazette meeting notesRevealed: Photographers spotted the Suffolk Gazette meeting notes

By extraordinary coincidence, the embarrassing gaffe echoes an incident in Downing Street yesterday when a secretary’s errant notes appeared to display Britain’s tactics in future Brexit negotiations.

But a spokesman for the Suffolk Gazette was keen to dismiss the significance of the meeting notes. He said: “You can’t read too much into this. Our team had probably been drinking, so the notes may not even have been a particularly accurate record of the meeting.

“Also, any tactics targeting Norfolk can hardly be a surprise. We will not be sacking the aide because of the error.”

There is no word on whether the aide in Downing Street will be spared, however.

Downing Street meeting notesThe notes pictured at Downing Street yesterday

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Underperforming Norwich players forced to train on day off

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Underperforming Norwich players forced to train on day off

Norwich City clowns

Norwich players were pictured today training on their day off afer a disastrous run of six straight defeats.

Despite being relegated from the Premiership with a hugely expensive squad and a fortune in parachute payments, the Norfolk club have turned into a joke.

The awful run of form, most recently yesterday’s 1-0 defeat at Derby, means the team is now down to eighth place in the Championship – and only three points above rivals Ipswich, who have been having a terrible time of it themselves… with no money to spend.

Norwich manager Alex Neil remains in charge of the bunch of Carrow Road clowns for now, but it can only be a matter of time before owner Delia Smith pulls the trigger.

And with club chairman Ed Balls now out of Strictly Come Dancing, there can be no room for more idiotic behaviour.

A club insider said: “The players have been running around aimlessly like Ronald McDonald. They certainly look like they have been playing in oversized clown feet.”

Retailers celebrate Black Friday sales scam

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Retailers celebrate Black Friday sales scam

Black Friday is a brilliant way to get rid of all the crap nobody wanted to buy during the rest of the year, retailers have agreed.

Shops say they can sell any old rubbish just by putting a Black Friday 20% off sale sticker on it.

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Ramsey Streeter, of the Institute of Retail Stores Studies, said: “The public is generally quite stupid and can be relied upon to fall for every snake-oil scam in the book.

“Black Friday is perfect for fishing out all the stock gathering dust at the back of the warehouse and putting it on the shelves as a must-have bargain.”

But shoppers in Suffolk were today totally engrossed in the Black Friday experience.

Rav Singh, 27, from Ipswich, said: “I picked up this brilliant electric egg whisk in town this morning because it had £2 off.

“And when I get home I’m going online to find some more bargain goods that I did not know I wanted.”

Norma Snockers, from Bury St Edmunds, said she had purchased a new three-piece suite only nine months ago.

“But today I got an email from an online retailer with some incredible Black Friday bargains on furniture. I’m now thinking my three-piece suite could do with updating.”

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However, the news comes as Ipswich woman Lorraine Fisher has revealed she has saved an absolute fortune on Black Friday by buying absolutely nothing at all.

She told the Suffolk Gazette: “I tend to buy a new kettle when my current one breaks, or develops a leak.

“So I don’t see why I would ever be encouraged to race down to Currys and buy one just because it is part of their ridiculous Black Friday Black Tag Event.”

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Row over new Hoe One parlour in Felixstowe

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Row over new Hoe One parlour in Felixstowe

Hoe One

There were mounting concerns today after a new branch of Hoe One opened in Felixstowe.

Po-faced residents say the parlour is not in keeping with the traditional family image of the seaside town.

Hoe One offers a completely different sort of personal service to another outlet with a similar name, Shoe Zone.

A retail expert said: “The shop fronts may look the same, but I would warn any elderly residents not to venture into Hoe One expecting to buy a new pair of Cosy feet shoes.

“On the other hand, any gentlemen looking for relief should be aware the only relief in Shoe Zone would be for their bunions.”

Boy devastated after getting non-speaking role in school play

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Boy devastated after getting non-speaking role in school play

A schoolboy actor was devastated after being given the role of a man who has been married for 25 years – because it is a non-speaking part.

Despite appearing in 19 scenes throughout the school play, the character of hen-pecked husband Jeremy Simkins does not get a word in edgeways.

Anguished Thomas Hills, 11, complained to his teacher after being handed the part, but was told it was unrealistic for a man who has been married so long to have any conversation.

A spokesman for the Sudbury High School for Boys said: “Unfortunately, not everyone can get a big role in the annual school production. Young Hills got his hopes up when he found out his character would be on stage a lot.

“But he was obviously upset when he realised he had no words to say. Instead, the character of Mrs Judie Simkins, the wife, does have an awful lot to say for herself.”

Crying boyUpset: Thomas Hills will not have a speaking part in his school play
The school production of I Wish She’d Shut Up For Just One Minute, a murder mystery, will run from December 14-20 in the school hall.

Everybody is welcome – tickets can be bought in advance and cost just £5.

Angry driver caught speeding seven times on trip to get milk

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Angry driver caught speeding seven times on trip to get milk

Angry driver
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Reporter

A Suffolk motorist faces a lengthy driving ban after picking up no fewer than seven speeding tickets on his way to get a pint of milk.

Reg Squirrel, 48, was snapped by six mobile speed cameras and a static camera as he travelled at speeds of between 23 and 45 miles an hour on clear, dry roads at 7.30 on a Saturday morning.Now, after having a clean licence for 30 years, he faces 18 points, fines of up to £700 and the nightmarish tedium of a speed awareness course run in an old butcher’s shop in Diss.

Mr Squirrel, from Saxtead Green, blames a police mix-up. He said: “I’m a very experienced driver. The speed limits on roads I have been using all my life change all the time and without warning, and I was too busy trying to stay within the limit to concentrate.

“Now I am paying £700 for a bottle of milk and am getting banned from driving.”

‘Diligent officers’

A spokesman for Suffolk and Norfolk Police Road Safety and Revenue Collection Department said: “Speed is a killer, particularly on the quiet roads where no-one ever drives when our diligent officers are enjoying a well-earned breather towards the end of their shifts.”

Figures from the Ministry of Motorist Re-education show that drivers can be particularly dangerous at 34 miles an hour on a clear straight, dry, empty road with excellent visibility at 7.30 on a Saturday morning.

A source within the ministry told Suffolk Gazette: “Times are hard for our boys in blue, you know. They need to pay for their own jobs these days as the senior officers have scooped up all the money with their final salary pensions and early retirement plans.”

Mr Squirrel has appealed but has as yet received no response.

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