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Underperforming Norwich players forced to train on day off

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Underperforming Norwich players forced to train on day off

Norwich City clowns

Norwich players were pictured today training on their day off afer a disastrous run of six straight defeats.

Despite being relegated from the Premiership with a hugely expensive squad and a fortune in parachute payments, the Norfolk club have turned into a joke.

The awful run of form, most recently yesterday’s 1-0 defeat at Derby, means the team is now down to eighth place in the Championship – and only three points above rivals Ipswich, who have been having a terrible time of it themselves… with no money to spend.

Norwich manager Alex Neil remains in charge of the bunch of Carrow Road clowns for now, but it can only be a matter of time before owner Delia Smith pulls the trigger.

And with club chairman Ed Balls now out of Strictly Come Dancing, there can be no room for more idiotic behaviour.

A club insider said: “The players have been running around aimlessly like Ronald McDonald. They certainly look like they have been playing in oversized clown feet.”

Retailers celebrate Black Friday sales scam

The Editor
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Retailers celebrate Black Friday sales scam

Black Friday is a brilliant way to get rid of all the crap nobody wanted to buy during the rest of the year, retailers have agreed.

Shops say they can sell any old rubbish just by putting a Black Friday 20% off sale sticker on it.

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Ramsey Streeter, of the Institute of Retail Stores Studies, said: “The public is generally quite stupid and can be relied upon to fall for every snake-oil scam in the book.

“Black Friday is perfect for fishing out all the stock gathering dust at the back of the warehouse and putting it on the shelves as a must-have bargain.”

But shoppers in Suffolk were today totally engrossed in the Black Friday experience.

Rav Singh, 27, from Ipswich, said: “I picked up this brilliant electric egg whisk in town this morning because it had £2 off.

“And when I get home I’m going online to find some more bargain goods that I did not know I wanted.”

Norma Snockers, from Bury St Edmunds, said she had purchased a new three-piece suite only nine months ago.

“But today I got an email from an online retailer with some incredible Black Friday bargains on furniture. I’m now thinking my three-piece suite could do with updating.”

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However, the news comes as Ipswich woman Lorraine Fisher has revealed she has saved an absolute fortune on Black Friday by buying absolutely nothing at all.

She told the Suffolk Gazette: “I tend to buy a new kettle when my current one breaks, or develops a leak.

“So I don’t see why I would ever be encouraged to race down to Currys and buy one just because it is part of their ridiculous Black Friday Black Tag Event.”

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Row over new Hoe One parlour in Felixstowe

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Row over new Hoe One parlour in Felixstowe

Hoe One

There were mounting concerns today after a new branch of Hoe One opened in Felixstowe.

Po-faced residents say the parlour is not in keeping with the traditional family image of the seaside town.

Hoe One offers a completely different sort of personal service to another outlet with a similar name, Shoe Zone.

A retail expert said: “The shop fronts may look the same, but I would warn any elderly residents not to venture into Hoe One expecting to buy a new pair of Cosy feet shoes.

“On the other hand, any gentlemen looking for relief should be aware the only relief in Shoe Zone would be for their bunions.”

Boy devastated after getting non-speaking role in school play

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Boy devastated after getting non-speaking role in school play

A schoolboy actor was devastated after being given the role of a man who has been married for 25 years – because it is a non-speaking part.

Despite appearing in 19 scenes throughout the school play, the character of hen-pecked husband Jeremy Simkins does not get a word in edgeways.

Anguished Thomas Hills, 11, complained to his teacher after being handed the part, but was told it was unrealistic for a man who has been married so long to have any conversation.

A spokesman for the Sudbury High School for Boys said: “Unfortunately, not everyone can get a big role in the annual school production. Young Hills got his hopes up when he found out his character would be on stage a lot.

“But he was obviously upset when he realised he had no words to say. Instead, the character of Mrs Judie Simkins, the wife, does have an awful lot to say for herself.”

Crying boyUpset: Thomas Hills will not have a speaking part in his school play
The school production of I Wish She’d Shut Up For Just One Minute, a murder mystery, will run from December 14-20 in the school hall.

Everybody is welcome – tickets can be bought in advance and cost just £5.

Angry driver caught speeding seven times on trip to get milk

The Editor
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Angry driver caught speeding seven times on trip to get milk

Angry driver
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Reporter

A Suffolk motorist faces a lengthy driving ban after picking up no fewer than seven speeding tickets on his way to get a pint of milk.

Reg Squirrel, 48, was snapped by six mobile speed cameras and a static camera as he travelled at speeds of between 23 and 45 miles an hour on clear, dry roads at 7.30 on a Saturday morning.Now, after having a clean licence for 30 years, he faces 18 points, fines of up to £700 and the nightmarish tedium of a speed awareness course run in an old butcher’s shop in Diss.

Mr Squirrel, from Saxtead Green, blames a police mix-up. He said: “I’m a very experienced driver. The speed limits on roads I have been using all my life change all the time and without warning, and I was too busy trying to stay within the limit to concentrate.

“Now I am paying £700 for a bottle of milk and am getting banned from driving.”

‘Diligent officers’

A spokesman for Suffolk and Norfolk Police Road Safety and Revenue Collection Department said: “Speed is a killer, particularly on the quiet roads where no-one ever drives when our diligent officers are enjoying a well-earned breather towards the end of their shifts.”

Figures from the Ministry of Motorist Re-education show that drivers can be particularly dangerous at 34 miles an hour on a clear straight, dry, empty road with excellent visibility at 7.30 on a Saturday morning.

A source within the ministry told Suffolk Gazette: “Times are hard for our boys in blue, you know. They need to pay for their own jobs these days as the senior officers have scooped up all the money with their final salary pensions and early retirement plans.”

Mr Squirrel has appealed but has as yet received no response.

BBC picks man off the street to join political debates

The Editor
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BBC picks man off the street to join political debates

The BBC has announced that a member of the public from outside of the political classes or business elite will be selected to appear on all future news and current affairs panels.

In a radical move, BBC talent scouts have already found the “everyman” they were looking for in complete unknown, Nigel Farage.

The move was quite a surprise for Mr Farage. “Having never been a member of parliament and with no experience of the civil service I am amazed at the amount of airtime they are planning to give me,” he said.

Mr Farage, who had been on a European funded exchange student training scheme for the past 17 years, is looking forward to the new challenge. Friends say that mild-mannered Nigel was humbled by the BBC’s generous offer.

Nigel Farage on the BBCMan of the people: Unknown Nigel Farage will appear on the BBC quite a lot

A BBC insider revealed that Mr Farage’s natural bashfulness would be a “refreshing change” to the hubris and self-interest which has come to be associated with politics in recent years.

He said: “Nigel will make the perfect ambassador for our worldwide audience and we want him to feel fully supported in bantering with politicians, big business and – who knows – even presidents, on the British public’s behalf.”

Government surprised to be told heavy rain causes floods

The Editor
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Government surprised to be told heavy rain causes floods

Government surprised that rain causes UK floods
The Government was surprised today t learn that heavy rain is likely to cause flooding.

Prolonged downpours result in rising river levels and torrents of water cascading down hills, astonished officials were told.

Yet, as Britain was hit by more than 200 flood alerts today, a Government spokesman said: “Who could have predicted such a thing?”

Campaigners have been demanding extra money for flood defences for years, but budgets have been slashed, creating havoc in towns and villages across the UK.

One flooding victim said: “Without spending more money, heavy rain will cause flooding as sure as night follows day.

“Only the Government seems surprised by this.”

Northern people want to be adopted by Suffolk

The Editor
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Northern people want to be adopted by Suffolk

Some northern people have asked that their rain-soaked town be adopted by Suffolk.

Residents in the Langworthy Ward in Salford, Manchester, are seeking to break away from their dingy metropolis and become an enclave of the East Anglian county.

They claim that despite being hundreds of miles apart, and speaking a different language, the move would be of mutual benefit for everyone.

In an exclusive interview with Rob Radnell, the Salford correspondent of the Suffolk Gazette (When did I hire him? I hope he does not expect to be paid – Ed), leading Langxiteer, Jonqui Farquarson-Everitt, expressed his views most candidly.

He said: “The residents of Langworthy have had enough of the totalitarian, oppressive rule of the City of Salford Council. We seek the rights that the people of Suffolk enjoy – home rule, a county council and true freedom.

“For too long the proud Langworthians have been the thralls and serfs of the self-perpetuating Labour oligarchy in Swinton Civic Centre.

“Suffolk and Langworthy have much in common: Suffolk is known as Constable Country, and we have a large police station with many constables and PCSOs; Suffolk has wide open skies with large trees, and we have panoramic views from our modernist 1960s high-rise apartment blocks.”

Lowry SalfordDreary: this photograph of northern people shows why they want to be part of Suffolk

Mr Farquarson-Everitt, 57, added: “We offer Suffolk citizens the opportunity to visit the shoppers Mecca of Salford Shopping City (complete with a Tesco Extra) as an alternative to visiting the bustling town centres of Framlingham or Woodbridge.

“Like Suffolk, you can enjoy a metropolitan lifestyle in Langworthy without the cost, plus we are close to Salford Quays, the home of Jeremy Kyle! Not that one would expect Suffolkers to appear on that particular show, but they can laugh at all the guests from Norfolk.

“Culturally and historically, we have much in common, too: Constable and Lowry; the Port of Ipswich and the Port of Salford. We don’t have a Black Shuck hound legend, but there is a stray pack of dogs in Buile Hill Park.

“I appeal to the proud people of Suffolk to support our Langxit campaign. There are advantages for both of us, including cheap transport between us (providing you book ahead on the trains 13 weeks in advance).

“Please just get us out of Salford!”

The impassioned plea will be considered by Suffolk County Council at its next meeting. But a spokesman said: “The only similarity we can see is both areas are home to gigantic football teams – Manchester United and Ipswich Town.”

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