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Suspects to be shot in police budget cuts

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Suspects to be shot in police budget cuts

By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

Suffolk Police officers will be allowed to shoot criminals in a hugely controversial bid to save money.

The cash-strapped East Anglian force, which needs to save £200 million, believes giving constables a licence to kill will also be a massive deterrent to the county’s criminal fraternity.

But the plans by Suffolk Crime Commissioner Tim Passless were attacked by human rights campaigners as “barbaric” – while local UKIP activists said the measures did not go far enough.

Mr Passless will announce that from July 1, all officers will be issued with handguns, including voluntary community support beat officers.

Meanwhile, traffic cops will also get long-range sniper rifles so they can take down suspects fleeing by car.

Mr Passless will insist that police will be under strict instructions to shoot and kill only suspects they are “pretty sure” are guilty.

Armed police in Suffolk

A police insider told Suffolk Gazette: “By eradicating suspects in his way, we will save an absolute fortune.

“First there will be none of the endless paperwork required when we arrest someone.

“We’ll then free up the drain of packed police station cells, stop the need for many court cases, then ultimately slash the future prison population.

“It’s a no brainer that will save way more than our £200 million budget shortfall.”

Cops have already been testing firearms at a secret gun range in Martlesham, where they quickly ruled out issuing machine guns because of the risk of “collateral” damage.

One senior officer said: “We’re looking forward to it. This will bring back old-fashioned policing to our streets. Justice will be fair and swift.

“We expect one or two mistakes in the early days, but we ask the public to stick with us. Once the first few toe rags are out of the way, the public will be fully on board.”

The human rights group Don’t Shoot was furious. Spokesman Ivor Smith-Wesson said: “This is barbaric. If there has been a robbery, officers can shoot to kill anyone they have reason to believe is involved – even if that suspect is unarmed and running away.

“There’s also bound to be fatal mistakes because the force has cut back on expensive eye tests for its officers.”

But local UKIP councillor Major Anthony Pugh was full of praise for the new policy.

“This will make our streets safer, and free up loads of cash for our police force. It might even allow for the return of the Suffolk police Apache helicopter.

“If anything we’d support an even tougher crackdown, and hand these weapons to all immigration officers as well.”

Police find bodies in cemetery

The Editor
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Police find bodies in cemetery

bodies-in-cemetery

EXCLUSIVE
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Suffolk Police fear a serial killer is on the loose after discovering 129 bodies in a village graveyard.

The grim find was made in St Wayne and Gary Church in Elmswell, and detectives fear more bodies may turn up.

Officers believe the mass killer followed a sadistic pattern by putting out the bodies in neat rows – then leaving a stone to mark where each one lay.

They say it is too early to say how many of the victims died, as they appear to have been dead for a long time.

At a special press conference planned for later today, Detective Chief Superintendent Noah Cloose will warn all Suffolk residents to stay indoors until the killer is caught.

A force insider said: “We’re dealing with the worst serial killer in the county’s history. There are already 129 bodies and we expect to find more.

“We were called to St Wayne and Gary Church when a passerby noticed a man acting suspiciously in the graveyard. He was said to be laying flowers by one of the stones – a classic serial killer habit of returning to the scene of a crime.

“We currently have no idea who this man is, but we will put every possible resource into finding him.”

He is said to be about five feet six inches tall, with grey, thinning hair, and using a walking stick. He was said to be carrying a copy of the Daily Telegraph.

Vicar Evan Elpuss was devastated by the discovery. He said: “It’s normally dead in here on Sunday mornings when I give my sermon, but I didn’t expect it to be so bad outside.”

One local neighbour, who asked not to be named, said: “This is awful. Nothing like this has ever happened around here before. I have not seen my great-grandparents for a few years, and must now wonder if they are victims of this madman.”

Sadly, Suffolk Police will not be able to use its force Apache gunship helicopter to help track down the killer, as it has been mothballed after accidentally blowing up a vicarage in nearby Needham Market.

However, they do now have a fleet of 1970s Ford Cortina squad cars to call on.

McGoldrick out for 47 years with thigh strain

The Editor
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McGoldrick out for 47 years with thigh strain

By Ulrich Le Pen, Ipswich Town Medical Correspondent

Ipswich striker David McGoldrick will be sidelined for 47 years with his recurring thigh strain, club medics have revealed.

Boss Mick McCarthy had claimed last season’s 21-goal top scorer would be back weeks ago.

But then McGoldrick broke down again in training not once, but 72 times, and McCarthy has to keep changing his story.

Now club doctors have admitted it will be 47 years before the 28-year-old is fit enough to return to the Super Blues, who are pushing for a play-off spot in the Championship.

Thighly improbable: David McGoldrick

Meanwhile, this season’s goal-scoring sensation, Daryl Murphy continues to lead the front line with his new midget strike partner, Freddie Sears – although he’s still a foot taller than Jay Tabb.

A Portman Road insider revealed: “Big Mick had hoped McGoldrick would be back early to boost Ipswich’s promotion push, but he keeps having to admit that the striker has suffered a set back.

“A fresh scan on McGoldrick’s thigh showed it will now be 47 years until he can expect to run out on to the Portman Road pitch again.”

Medical staff have given the former Nottingham Forest and Southampton star a strict diet of hydroponic vegetables to help rebuild his strength while he’s sidelined.

Supporters were devastated about the latest injury shocker. Those Were The Days fans’ forum guru Phil Bacon said: “We never thought we’d say it, but should we bring back Frank Nouble?”

His controversial comment was met with a resounding “No” by the entire population of Suffolk.

CIA whistleblower vegetates in nuclear bunker

The Editor
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CIA whistleblower vegetates in nuclear bunker

By Ben Twarters, Security Editor

Wanted former CIA spy Ted Snowman is making a clandestine living growing hydroponic vegetables in a former US air force nuclear bomb dump, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.

The renegade former secret agent, who is the subject of numerous extradition attempts by United States security services, spilled the beans on his website WikiLeeks accusing his former employers of hacking into every mobile phone call.

It was thought Snowman, 30, was living in exile in Moscow under the protection of Russian Agriculture Minster, Vladimir Spinichovich.

However, we can reveal he is today making a meagre living while in hiding – by entering his mutant vegetables in low-key fetes across East Anglia.

Village halls in the region have been stunned by the gigantic dimensions of normally modest produce, which have consistently picked up small cash prizes.

Snowman took up residence in a tree-shrouded underground concrete bunker on an airbase near Woodbridge which was abandoned by the United States Air Force in 1989.

There is nothing to give away the entrance to his new 50-metre-long underground home in the middle of a the Suffolk copse.

42-kilo Swede

But his presence was first noticed by local councillor, Lady Samphire O’Bergine, who became suspicious after a 42-kilogram swede won best root vegetable at the Walsham-le-Gume annual show.

Lady Samphire said: “The mystery winner wasn’t there to collect his prize of £10 and one of Mrs Maris-Piper’s finest carrot cakes. This was most odd, as the victor would normally want to be photographed by the paper.”

Carrot-cake

Abandoned: carrot cake
Snowman’s ruse was finally rumbled when a contractor was seen dropping large quantities of a pungent substance, thought to be fertiliser, into the discreet copse which covers the entrance to his lair.

Approached by the Suffolk Gazette, the obviously malnourished outlaw said: “The only hacking I do these days is through the cow parsley to get my front door. I am now totally dedicated to blowing open the closed world of competition vegetable growing.”

Hearing of Snowman’s exposure, former Suffolk resident and fellow fugitive Julius Asparagus says: “I’ve always hated Swedes, but I am glad he has evaded capture. I hope they give his peas a chance.”

Okra Winfrey

Mr Snowman has reportedly refused several interview requests including one from legendary US talk show host Okra Winfrey.

PC Al Ottment, of Walsham-le-Gume police, said: “We will make a root and branch investigation which hopefully will bear fruit.”

Pentagon spooksperson, Lt Col Chard “Curly” Kale said: “We cannot confirm or deny the presence, or indeed absence, of any such person as Mr Snowman and even if he did exist we would be unable to confirm or deny whether or not there is an ongoing investigation.”

Under pressure from the Suffolk Gazette, Col Kale conceded: “No sir, I don’t much like Swede either.”

Posh seaside shops get Budget boost

The Editor
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Posh seaside shops get Budget boost

By Foo Tse, Economics Editor (on secondment from the Peking Times)

Chancellor George Osborne has unveiled a one-off tax break to dozens of specialist shops in seaside towns that sell over-priced interior goods, designer children’s wear and posh food.

Suffolk’s high-class coastal towns including Aldeburgh, Southwold and Walberswick will qualify for the special tax break which will apply to all shops owned by the partners of London-based media executives.

In today’s much-anticipated Budget, Mr Osborne has relaxed Corporation Tax specifically for those owners, discounting the 20 per cent rate by half.

suffolk-coastPelmets

In his final Budget speech before a Tory walkover in the Eastern Counties, Mr Osborne said: “Those little shops now infest high streets called things like Mummy’s Kitchen and Debbie’s Delights

“They deliver such a useful service to the economies of struggling coastal towns that I feel compelled to give them the tax breaks they deserve.”

To qualify for the new tax break the shops must be owned by the partners of ex-pat Londoners and the goods they sell must be deemed to be appealing to the so-called “Yummy Mummy” – and have no apparent practical use.

The news was welcomed by Hermione Chomondely-Battersea, owner of Pippa’s Pelmets in Southwold.

Election bribe

She squeaked: “This is just amazing. It will be really handy when it comes to selling my hand-made curtain coverings because I can normally only add a 250 per cent margin. Cheers to Mr Osborne! Amazing.”

It is estimated by experts at the Suffolk Higher Institute for Taxation the tax-tweak looks set to save the owners up to £1,000 a week in the high season – a move which could cost the Treasury more than £500,000 a year.

Prof Ron Cobblers, head spokesman for SHIT, said: “It would be easy to think this pointless gesture to the dopey wives of rich London-based media executives could be a blatant election bribe in a county which already thinks these shops are silly and pointless.”

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Poldark to ride in Grand National

The Editor
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2
Poldark to ride in Grand National

Dashing Cornishman Ross Poldark is a shock entry for the Grand National, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.

Trainers have been impressed with the handsome star’s riding skills on Sunday night prime-time TV hit, Poldark.

He spends most of each hour-long episode riding his horse along Cornwall cliff tops at breakneck speed, despite wearing a huge hat and cape.

Horse racing experts spotted his talent and soon made discreet enquiries to Poldark’s Cornish estate about signing him up for the big race at Aintree next month.

Newmarket trainer Leicester Biggot got his man and will now partner Poldark with his much-fancied horse Adnams Bitter in the Grand National.

Speaking from his famous Suffolk yard, Biggot said: “Poldark shows exceptional speed and skill on his horse every Sunday night on television.

“And he does this time and again – it’s almost as though he does nothing else. No wonder his family mining operation ground to a halt.

“Now I can put his riding skills to good use in the biggest horse race on earth.”

poldark-horse

Poldark training for the Grand National
Bookies have already made Poldark even money to win the National on Adnams Bitter.

Paddy Power’s Kenny Wynn said: “It’s safe to say Poldark will be the housewives’ favourite for the Grand National this year.”

The Suffolk Gazette tried to contact Poldark in the 18th Century for a comment, but he was out riding along a remote Cornish clifftop.

But his alluring kitchen wench said: “He does love to mount up and have a good ride.

“And he definitely likes finishing first.”

Queen bans selfie sticks

The Editor
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By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

The Queen has banned selfie sticks from all her palaces – because they upset her beloved Corgies.

Royal staff noticed the dogs thought they were sticks to be thrown so they could chase and retrieve them.

But the pampered pooches then became sad when all people did was use them to take pictures of themselves.

The problem became acute outside Buckingham Palace and Windsor Castle, where thousands of visitors were using selfie sticks each day.

And the news will come as further blow to selfie-stick lovers, coming after a number of institutions like the National Gallery also imposed a ban.

A Buckingham Palace source told the Suffolk Gazette: “The Corgies were yapping constantly because they kept seeing people with sticks at the gates.

“They assumed the were to be thrown for them, so they could have a game. But the tourists simply attached cameras to the sticks and took pictures of themselves.

“The Queen was furious. She hates anything that might upset the precious Royal Corgies – so she has ordered a blanket selfie-stick ban.

“Anyone spotted using them outside the Palace will be asked politely to stop by soldiers on sentry duty.”

Worryingly, the source added: “If they still persist, Her Majesty has ordered staff to set the dogs on them.”

The Royal ban was criticised last night by Suffolk selfie-stick manufacturer IStickitupyou Ltd. Sales Director Yassir Ikanboogie said: “I think the Queen has been a little too quick off the mark here.

“Selfie sticks provide a perfect way for visitors to record moments to be treasured for ever with their cameras and iPhones.

“Now their last photos could be of themselves being chased by a pack of snarling Corgies.”

IStickitupyou, which is based in Framlingham and employs 2,600 people, has been making selfie sticks for 75 years, and now fears redundancies.

buckingham-palace-selfie

A tourist’s selfie at Buckingham Palace
But a spokesman for the Kennel Club was pleased with the Royal ban. “Dogs can easily get confused by selfie sticks. They always want to play, and so will become frustrated when no-one throws the stick for them.”

Rob Banks released

The Editor
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Rob Banks released

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Suffolk Gazette Crime Editor Rob Banks will not be charged with bribing public officials, police confirmed today.

Mr Banks had been arrested for allegedly paying a police gardener for information that led to a string of huge exclusives about Suffolk Police’s Apache helictoper – including the fact that it accidentally blew up a vicarage.

He has been held in a cell for more than a week, but police, whose toilets are closed for repairs, say they have nothing to go on.

Banks, 34, from Cockfield, said he was delighted to be released, and was looking forward to getting back to work on the Suffolk Gazette.

“It’s been difficult for my family,” he said. “But the support of the Suffolk Gazette readers has been huge. I know for a fact that the Chief Constable is a keen reader, so that probably helped.”

But the Suffolk Gazette Editor is still to carry out an internal investigation after Banks admitted submitting some dodgy expense claims following his coffee and cakes with the police gardener.

The Editor said: “I will deal with Banks privately. But I will say I am delighted he has been released without charge. He is a fine reporter.”

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