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Chocolate labrador destroys family trampoline

The Editor
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Chocolate labrador destroys family trampoline

A chocolate labrador who couldn’t get the hang of bouncing on the family trampoline has destroyed it in a fit of rage.

Barry the brown lab had seen the John Lewis Christmas advert featuring bouncing Buster the boxer and thought: ‘I can do that!’

But unfortunately it quickly became apparent that he couldn’t – and the six-year-old, who is normally mild-mannered and well-behaved, got furious.

Owner Debbie Smith, 47, from Ipswich, said: “He lost all self-control when he couldn’t do what all the other dogs in the neighbourhood were doing.”

chocolate labrador trampolineWoof justice: Guilty Barry destroyed the trampoline

Debbie continued: “He climbed up on the trampoline and tried for five minutes, but couldn’t get any momentum going. Then he just went bananas and ripped the trampoline apart, which he loved as he was nearly wagging his tail off.

“My kids were very upset when they got home from school because they enjoyed using the trampoline.”

Barry is now in the dog house and refuses to take any notice of Buster the John Lewis boxer when the ad comes on TV.

An insider at John Lewis said: “We are sorry to hear about poor Barry and his frustrations. However, we can not be held responsible for dogs trying, and failing, to copy our Christmas advert.”

Gary Lineker and Lily Allen’s LEFTO bricks game tops Xmas charts

The Editor
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Gary Lineker and Lily Allen’s LEFTO bricks game tops Xmas charts

This year’s must-have Christmas gift for children is a new building block game called LEFTO, we can reveal today.

The aim of LEFTO is to build a left-wing utopia based on the beliefs of outspoken Match of the Day host Gary Lineker, and singer Lily Allen.

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Both celebrities have millions of pounds in the bank and live in pampered luxury, yet feel it is their place to preach lefty politics and berate the right-wing media.

Now children can re-create this happy scene by building their own sprawling mansion out of LEFTO – then surrounding it with cheap housing for everyone else, including all those “child” migrants who should be allowed in, no questions asked, even if they look over 30.

LEFTO building gameBuild a multi-millionare property empire with this box of LEFTO

LEFTO is the brainchild of Suffolk Gazette Games and is already selling tens of thousands of boxes across the country.

A spokesman said: “We can only just about keep up with demand. Kids can’t get enough of building themselves a huge mansion like Gary and Lily – then leaving every other poor so-and-so to fend for themselves in today’s desperate housing shortage.”

Meanwhile Lineker, 55, and Allen, 31, have both voiced their support for rival building game LEGO, which recently withdrew commercial relations with the Daily Mail owing to the paper’s alleged right-wing agenda.

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Norwich-based Colman’s Mustard ends giveaways over ‘divisive’ coverage

The Editor
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Norwich-based Colman’s Mustard ends giveaways over ‘divisive’ coverage

Norwich-based Colman’s Mustard has ended all promotional giveaways with the Suffolk Gazette – amid a campaign to stop firms advertising with some newspapers over “divisive” coverage of Norfolk migrants.

Colman’s regularly gave away free jars of its tangy yellow condiment via the hugely popular Suffolk paper, but there would be no more “for the foreseeable future”.

The news comes just days after toy maker Lego confirmed it had ended its promotion with the Daily Mail.A Colman’s insider, speaking from the company’s HQ in Norwich, said: “Suffolk Gazette coverage of Norfolk issues, particularly the plight of many Norfolk peasants trying to get into Suffolk have, at times, been divisive, over-hyped and hate-filled.”

The firm highlighted several recent Suffolk Gazette stories that promoted bigotry and hate, including:

– Norfolk trolls using Suffolk-bound trains to sneak into the county
– An archeological dig revealing tools were used in Norfolk as far back as 1946
– The building of a 12-foot wall along the Suffolk border to keep Norfolk migrants out

“These are just some of the hate-filled stories in the Suffolk Gazette,” the Colman’s insider added. “If you type in Norfolk in the paper’s search bar there are dozens more.”

Colman's MustardColman’s, which has been making mustard in Norwich since 1814, had responded to the shadowy Stop Funding Hate group, which aims to shame big companies into taking away commercial support from certain newspapers.

Suffolk Gazette editor Simon Young was upbeat. “Our readers are extremely supportive of our stance on Norfolk migrants trying to get into our county. We stand up for the hard-working citizens of Suffolk, and will not be bullied by a mustard maker from Norfolk.”

He admitted the loss of Colman’s from the paper’s commercial accounts would hit hard, particularly just before Christmas, but reminded readers they can support the paper by using the ‘Buy Me a Beer’ link below.

Dave Davies of The Kinks reveals all about Ipswich Town

The Editor
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Dave Davies of The Kinks reveals all about Ipswich Town

EXCLUSIVE
By Arthur Pint, Entertainment Editor

One of the biggest names in British music has given an exclusive interview about his thoughts on Ipswich Town Football Club.

Speaking at length to the Suffolk Gazette, Dave Davies, who founded The Kinks with his brother Ray, proved he had deep-seated knowledge about the ailing Suffolk club.

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In a far-reaching interview, the You Really Got Me and Lola star revealed his fears that Ipswich may never make it back to the Premier League – a view shared by many fans.

Mr Davies granted the interview after being contacted by the Editor of the Suffolk Gazette last night.

The 69-year-old clearly wanted to consider his answer carefully, and gave an extraordinarily long and detailed reply less than 20 minutes later.

The Editor of this newspaper said: “I admit it was actually only a two-word interview, but his ‘Don’t ask’ answer can be taken in several ways.

“Either he means ‘don’t ask’ jokingly because Ipswich will never get back to the Premier League, which is astute of him.

“Or he means ‘don’t ask’ as in bugger off and stop stalking me on Twitter.”

Mr Davies’ interview proves once again that the Suffolk Gazette is the newspaper of record for East Anglia, trusted by the famous and powerful worldwide.

If you are a worldwide celebrity, feel free give us an exclusive interview on Twitter, too. Here’s the Twitter page: @SuffolkGazette

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Mercedes handbooks to advise on driving politely

The Editor
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Mercedes handbooks to advise on driving politely

Mercedes drivers

Mercedes-Benz has revealed that from next year its owner handbooks will contain advice on being polite to other road users.

Company bosses were forced to admit Mercedes drivers were the rudest on the road, seemingly incapable of thanking other motorists for letting them through.

And roadside surveys confirmed no Mercedes driver had ever let another vehicle out from a side junction.

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A spokesman for the German luxury car maker said: “We have some of the best cars in the world, but also the most arrogant drivers.

“From January our handbooks will contain five pages of advice about how to interact with other road users, things like raising a hand to say thank you, or letting people out into queuing traffic.

“There will be advice on how not to hog the outside lane or tailgate other cars, and a special section about giving cyclists and pedestrians a wide berth.

“It shouldn’t take too long for the rude reputation to disappear. That dubious accolade can then go back to BMW where it belongs.”

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Trump makes US grate again, promotes Nigel Farage to sheriff

The Editor
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Trump makes US grate again, promotes Nigel Farage to sheriff

Nigel Farage sheriff
EXCLUSIVE

President-elect Donald Trump has revealed he has already made the whole of America grate again – and that he was making Nigel Farage a special sheriff.

Just minutes after meeting Barack Obama at the White House, Mr Trump granted the Suffolk Gazette a telephone interview and said: “Look! I’ve only been in the job one day and I’m already making America grate again. Yeah, grate again. Just look at the demos against me.

“I’m grating on the Liberals, grating on the elites, grating on those transgender lady-boys, grating on the foreigners. Just look at those demos. Yeah, look at those demos… those demos.

“By the way, I’m gonna make your Nigel Farage my Sheriff in Chief, with his own silver sheriff’s badge.”

President Trump spoke to The Suffolk Gazette because he dislikes most of the media – and because of his business interests in the county.

He added: “The media, the media. The media backed crooked Hillary. Crooked Hillary. Crooked Hillary.

“Now she’s gonna have to open a pants-suits, or as you guys call ’em, trouser suits, shop on Fifth Avenue while she cries her girlie eyes out. I hope she’s got that waterproof mascara like all my wives needed.

“Anyway fella, I gotta go now to source some bricks for the wall. I don’t want any of those Norfolk folk gettin’ in to this Trumptastic country of mine.”

And with that he rang off. But he arranged to send us the exclusive photo of Nigel Farage in his new sheriff uniform, which we have reproduced above.

Suffolk firm seeks Witchfinder General for United States

The Editor
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Suffolk firm seeks Witchfinder General for United States

By Phil Rowles

A Suffolk recruitment company is looking for a Witchfinder General to join Donald Trump’s new Presidential team in the United States.

The firm won a six-way international pitch thanks to East Anglia’s reputation for employing excellent Witchfinders over hundreds of years.

A spokesman for recruiters I Do Big Jobs, in Bury St Edmunds, said the Witchfinder role had changed over time, but the principle was the same.

“Nobody needs to find witches anymore – that would be silly. But there are modern-day equivalents that Mr Trump and his team want to unearth.

“Our brief is to find a skilled Witchfinder General to seek out Muslims, Mexicans and gay people.”

Witchfinder GeneralRuthless: Suffolk Witchfinder General Vincent Price
Asked what would happen to captured Muslims, Mexicans and gays under the new right-wing Trump administration, the spokesman explained their fate would not be as brutal as it was in medieval Britain.

“A few hundred years ago, witches in Britain were caught, tortured into confession and then burnt at the stake. If they were lucky they were dunked in the local river instead – if they drowned they were innocent, if they survived they were definitely a witch. Then they were burnt at the stake anyway.

“We are advised that this Witchfinder General role in the United States does not involve execution so it might not be suitable for some Suffolk applicants.

“Instead, those caught will simply be thrown out of America.”

The US Witchfinder General role comes with a decent $200,000 salary plus a performance-related bonus for every 10,000 people ejected from the country. There are also five weeks holiday and a company car. The position is for four years with the possibility of a four-year extension, although this is deemed unlikely.

Suffolk Witchfinder Vincent Price, from Lavenham, is an early applicant for the role. “It’s right up my street. I have not worked for a while and have never been to America, so why not?”

Train passengers delighted as man sits down with smelly food

The Editor
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Train passengers delighted as man sits down with smelly food

By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

Train passengers have spoken of their joy after a man sat down in their packed carriage and began eating stinking takeaway food.

Some broke out in cheers and others clapped as the pungent waft of spicy pork in wasabi and garlic sauce on noodles was heightened by the sound of slapping lips.

The exciting incident happened on the 6.30pm from Liverpool Street to Ipswich in Carriage D – transforming a monotonous journey into a cultural, foodie delight.

One commuter said: “I was sitting there after a hard day waiting for the train to depart, thinking there was no interesting smells to lighten my mood.

“Thankfully, all that changed when this bloke sat down and started tucking into what looked like a cardboard bucket of sick. The smell was vile, and spread through the whole carriage within seconds.

“Nobody said anything, of course, but many looked up to see who was eating something so delightful. Those who could not see were not left out, because everyone could hear as he slapped his lips, scraped the bottom of the bucket loudly with his plastic spoon, and sniffed every three seconds.

“It was a joy to behold, and everyone was grateful – so much so that there was clapping and cheering until Shenfield, when he finished the last morsel. That was a shame because all we had left to smell until we reached Ipswich was the usual residual stink of shit from the toilets.”

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