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Greater Anglia introduces new rail service for pensioners

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Greater Anglia introduces new rail service for pensioners

Greater Anglia
By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

Greater Anglia has introduced a comfortable new rail service for elderly customers, it has emerged.

The new single-seater, open-air carriages, pictured above on the Felixstowe line, can reach speeds of up to 15 mph and are already in use throughout Suffolk and Norfolk.

For just £2, customers over the age of 65 can climb aboard and drive their own carriage up the track – so long as they take a test on railway signalling systems first.

Each carriage has natural air conditioning, but there is no buffet service, aside from a cup holder for the passenger to place a mug of soup.

Greater Anglia already has 25 units running but wants to build up a fleet of 500 by the end of the year.

An insider at the rail firm said: “This gives our senior customers complete freedom. Now, for just £2 they can travel from Ipswich to Felixstowe in their own luxury carriage. They just need to look out for the freight trains.”

Rail watchdogs are not convinced by the new units, which run off battery power as they are unable to connect to the overhead wire.

“We have had reports of a couple of unfortunate head-on collisions. Plus several of the mainline InterCity services have been stuck behind these new single-seaters because there are no overtaking opportunities on rails.”

Count your LARDPoints with our new CakeWatchers diet club

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Count your LARDPoints with our new CakeWatchers diet club

CakeWatchers


Welcome to CakeWatchers, the new Suffolk Gazette Slimming club. And congratulations to all you dumpy dieters! By just reading this page, you are taking a giant step (longer than a giant buttery baguette full of salami) to a curvy new you.

At CakeWatchers, we understand the realities of dieting and will motivate you like no other club.

* WE will never make you feel guilty about what you stuff inside you.
* WE have our exclusive copyright LARDpoints, like Weightwatchers Smartpoints or Slimming World Syns BUT FAR MORE GENEROUS. You have between 60 to 500 LARDpoints a day for a realistic day’s food.
* WE won’t keep taking money off your credit card for years when you only stuck to the Diet for three days!
* WE have healthy extras to keep you on track.
* WE have an expert team on hand, with me as your Slimming Consultant, our medical adviser Dr Heidi Chipps, recipe co-ordinator Barbie Kew and fitness trainer Ivana Kipp.
* WE welcome MEN who want to shape up their builder’s bum cracks.

First, we want you to empty your kitchen of all the things you don’t like. Bin the bran flakes to make way for some Crunchy Nut Cornflakes. Now empty the fridge of tofu, quark and Kale, and chuck that cottage cheese, which looks like a baby just sicked up its milk. There! This is a new beginning and you feel better already. Give yourself a round of applause and celebrate with a bottle of Prosecco.

You can save your LARDpoints for a special day, so that you have about 1,000 for a birthday, wedding, anniversary or when EastEnders is on. This is far more flexible than other diets. We want you to keep a food diary, which can be the back of a fag packet in an emergency, so that you can track your success and favourite meals.

To get you started, while you learn the system, we have devised a typical day’s menu.

DAY ONE: Take a cup of tea or coffee back to bed with nine Oreo Cookies. (30 LARDpoints).

Breakfast: Melt a pack of lard in a pan and fry five slices of bread. Top with a half a dozen sausages, five rashers of bacon, half a pound of mushrooms, three eggs and a tin of beans. If you are still hungry, have a chip butty.

Lunch: If you are out, or at work, buy a Big Mac or a bucket of KFC and nip to the nearest pub to wash it down with some stamina-giving Adnams. If you are at home, pop a couple of Ginsters in the oven with some chips.

Kentucky Fried ChickenTuck in: Tasty bucket of KFC

Afternoon tea: crack open some Mr Kipling cakes (they now do a gluten-free range!) a couple of eclairs and a round of cheese and pickle sandwiches cut into dainty triangles with the crusts off.

Dinner: If you have stuck to the diet so far today, you can treat yourself to a takeaway beef vindaloo, sweet and sour pork or cod and chips. Have your grape portion in the form of a bottle of red or white wine. Dessert: small tub of ice cream and a chocolate brownie.

Bedtime: cup of hot chocolate or Horlicks, and some buttered toast.

Today’s healthy extras: an apple pie and fruity Solero lolly. (Total day’s LARDpoints: 470)

Today’s exercise: Instead of using the TV remote today, walk across the room and use the ON button. Stride back to the sofa. If this makes you a little sweaty or out of breath, put your feet up. Do the same later with the OFF button.

At the end of the day, you will be feeling so proud of yourself and our feelgood CakeWatchers team will be here to support you at every step. By the way, if you are hungry during the night, grab a mug of milk and a doughnut. If you are struggling with the diet, tell us your problem and we will try to answer next week. Good luck!

Pension crisis means man only now able to retire, aged 96

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Pension crisis means man only now able to retire, aged 96

The cost of providing the British state pension is now so high that a man has only today been able to announce his retirement, aged 96.

Mr Philip Windsor, who lives in London, Berkshire, Norfolk, and Scotland with his wife, Elizabeth, has been forced to work until well into his 90s because the state pension is kicking in later than ever before.

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He will now have to make do with his £155-a-week pension after working for years in the public sector, mainly shaking hands and being a little rude to people.

The news, announced today a month before Mr Windsor’s 96th birthday, was a surprise to many, not least his wife who has been told to keep on working, even though she is 91.

Prince Philip retiresWaving goodbye to work: Mr Windsor at a recent fancy dress party

A pensions industry expert said: “Unfortunately the population is getting older, and so the cost of the state pension to Government coffers is getting ever higher. Initially men could retire at 65. Then it went up to 67, and now it seems it is 95.”

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It is not known how Mr Windsor, whose Instagram name is DukeofHazard, intends to spend his retirement years.

But a family friend said: “I had heard he is thinking of getting himself a motorhome and going on a driving tour of Europe. He’s not really had much chance to see the world because he has always been working, so this will be a great treat.”

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Kim Jong-un’s mother flees North Korea on British passport

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Kim Jong-un’s mother flees North Korea on British passport

Kim Jong-un mother, Kimberly

North Korean despot Kim Jong-un was furious today after his mother fled the country using her new British passport.

Kimberly Jong-un had become fed up of life in the strict regime, and slipped over the border into South Korea using her British passport.

Kimberly wasted no time calling a press conference in Seoul where she announced she was moving to Britain because she fancied a cottage by the sea.

Sam Sung, a political correspondent on the South Korean Times said: “It was quite a spectacle.

“You can clearly see who Kim Jong-un takes after – he has his mother’s looks.

“She waved her new British passport about, and it will be interesting to see how she gets on there.”

But officials in North Korea said Kimberly Jong-un was safely tucked up in bed in Pyongyang.

“It is completely untrue to say she has fled the country,” a spokesman said.

“She is very happy here, looking after her son.

“What’s more, she has important duties this week, including giving him his weekly haircut.”

A Downing Street spokesman said the UK had offered Mrs Jong-un political asylum in return for some North Korea state secrets.

It is expected she will help East Anglian farmers by divulging radical new agricultural methods.

A Mrs Jong-un pal, Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “North Korea has based its farming economy on cheap labour.

“For cheap labour, read free labour.

“Suffolk farmers could capture and put Norfolk slaves to work, for example.”

Missing elderly ladies spotted in bingo hall

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Missing elderly ladies spotted in bingo hall

Missing pensioners at bingo hall

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Suffolk Police believe they are close to finding two elderly ladies who went missing from their nursing home – after the pair were photographed in a Felixstowe bingo hall.

Veronica Wood and Pauline Weller disappeared from the town’s Sunset rest home (as revealed here in the Suffolk Gazette) and have not been seen for days.

But now police have been handed a photograph (above) of the pair enjoying a game of bingo on the seafront.

“At least we know they are safe and well. But we urge them to get in touch and go back to the home where staff are waiting to welcome them home,” a police spokesman said.

The photograph – taken by Suffolk Gazette reader Bruce Foxton – is the only new image the police have of the ladies, who are aged 93 and 87. Officers have previously been circulating the photograph below in their bid to track the couple down.

In a jam: Veronica and Pauline are still unaccounted for

New social network called Town Centre High Street to change Britain

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New social network called Town Centre High Street to change Britain

town centre high street

Visionaries are planning to revolutionise our lives with a new social network called a Town Centre High Street.

The offline social network will see scores of small independent shops like butchers, bakers and greengrocers opening up in town centres across the country.

Residents will be able to visit the High Street to buy interesting items, chat to the helpful shop owners, and even get to know each other by engaging in something called conversation.

The new social network is to be tested in Ipswich next year after it emerged nobody visited the town centre anymore, and everyone lived out a soul-destroying existence on social media.

Ipswich residents did all their shopping at large out-of-town supermarkets where they would whiz around as fast as possible without speaking to anyone, except the checkout person to say they did not want to buy any bags.

Ipswich town centreRubbish: Ipswich town centre

Entrepreneur David Albert, CEO of the Town Centre High Street Hub, said: “Some people even do their shopping online. There is no hope for the future of humanity unless we do something to get everyone off social media and the internet, and instead encourage them to interact with each other, in person.

“The Town Centre High Street social network will revive our towns, bring people together, and allow small businesses and trades to thrive.

“It worked quite well for hundreds of years, before the web and faceless corporate retail chains killed off our sense of community.

“Ipswich will be the first to trial our new social network, and there will be low business rates for shopkeepers, and free car parking for all.”

The new Town Centre High Street social network will be free to use, and will not require giving away all your personal information to a multi-billionaire social media guru in America.

Decorating your master bedroom for summer

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Decorating your master bedroom for summer

Decorating master bedroom

Whilst many of us will be thinking about investing in garden furniture and barbecues as the summer months approach, it’s also important to pay a little attention to doing up the master bedroom.

There’s nothing like a good dose of summer sunlight to point out cobwebs and some lacklustre paint-jobs in the furthest reaches of our bedrooms, and so this is time the where we should all give our sleeping spaces a little extra attention.

Giving your walls a fresh coat of paint can instantly make any room feel much fresher and cleaner. On-trend colours to try this summer include unusual pinks and greens that can add a sophisticated modern twist to your summer nights. Although it can also be an idea to keep your colour palette towards more subdued hues to keep the overall effect feeling a little fresher.

And there’s plenty of fun to be had in implementing different textures through soft furnishings in your master bedroom. Whether it’s the hugely fashionable patterns of kilim being used in a bedside rug, or even adding a touch of modernism with some geometric prints on your curtains, updating your soft furnishings is a relatively cost-effective way to bring your bedroom into 2017.

The same idea can also be applied to your bed furnishings. Now is the time to pack away that bulky winter duvet, and instead think about how one of Bedstar’s duvets can be a big help in making sure that you sleep with ease through the summer months.

It can also be a fun idea to implement a few themes from nature into your summer bedroom. Whether that means embracing floral prints on a new bedspread, or even getting in on the desert modernism trend, it shows how natural themes can be a great way to make a bland bedroom come to life.

Double bed in room

Of course, there’s always that rare moment when an English summer can almost become too hot. And this is why using a few themes from the seaside can play the psychological trick of fooling us into feeling a cooler temperature. Plus some of these nautical room designs show how clean whites and blues can works wonders in providing a homely, yet chic feel.

So from eye-catching new colour schemes to some light and airy soft furnishings and duvets, there are plenty of ways to revamp your master bedroom for summer 2017!

Suffolk man makes candle from his ear wax

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Suffolk man makes candle from his ear wax

Candle made from ear wax

A Suffolk man has collected his own ear wax for five years and turned it into a CANDLE.

Jerry Wix, 32, from Mildenhall, presented the candle to his girlfriend as a special gift to remind her of him.

“She was surprised, but seemed to like it,” he said. “Although she did say she preferred the scented candles from John Lewis.

“My candle does not smell that great, to be honest.”

Book salesman Mr Wix says he has always endured producing a lot of ear wax, so decided to turn the condition into a positive.

“Rather than throwing it away, I began digging it out of each ear and collecting it in a jar. I was surprised at how much I was getting.

“Then last month I thought I had got enough. I looked up on the internet to see how to shape a candle and put a wick through the middle.

“It lights the first time and burns quite slowly with a dark yellow flame.

“I am really pleased, and what’s more I saved myself about £2.50.”

Ear wax candle

Health experts say using the ear wax candle will be fine, but that Mr Wix should consider seeking treatment to reduce the amount of ear wax he produces.

His girlfriend, Lorraine Fisher, 34, added: “The candle is absolutely disgusting. I appreciated the effort he put into it, and that it was a loving gesture, but I like to light candles to create a relaxing and scented atmosphere.

“This one just makes me want to vomit.”

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