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Prehistoric monster caught on Norfolk Broads

The Editor
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Prehistoric monster caught on Norfolk Broads

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Police and park rangers caught one of the famous Norfolk Broads prehistoric monsters today as they continued preparations for the new holiday season.

The huge Sixfingesaurus was spotted munching duckweed on a quiet stretch of water near Wroxham, and is believed to be one of around 50 specimens still at large.

Rangers preparing the Broads for the Spring called in assistance from Norfolk Police in order to lasso the creature around its neck.

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They then hauled it on to the riverbank before securing it and placing it in a carriage on a special train bound for London Zoo.

Norfolk Broads monsterPrehistoric monster: the Sixfingesaurus pulled from Norfolk Broads

The Sixfingesaurus can weigh five tonnes and grow up to 30 foot long, and even though they will not harm humans, they are a danger on the Norfolk Broads because holiday boats have been known to collide with them.

It is a close relative of a similar prehistoric monster found in Wales, the screeching Daidaidelia.

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A spokesman for Norfolk Police said: “We were called to Wroxham to help catch a Sixfingesaurus, the first to be removed from the Broads for two years. The creature appeared to be in good health and is now in its own special habitat at London Zoo.”

Anyone who sees one of the creatures in the wild is urged to call the rangers as soon as possible, but not before taking a picture and sending it to the Suffolk Gazette.

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Mick McCarthy: an apology

The Editor
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Mick McCarthy: an apology

Mick McCarthy

Along with many other publications, supporters’ websites and fanzines, we may have given the impression recently that Mick McCarthy was not doing a good job managing Ipswich Town Football Club.

We now admit that recent results show Mr McCarthy, 58, is in fact a football genius who masterminded an away victory at Aston Villa at the weekend, and a good draw at title-chasing Brighton last night.

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The High Court heard today how these excellent displays, coming so soon after an exciting four-goal thriller against an in-form Reading side, confirm the Suffolk Gazette was a little hasty in claiming Mr McCarthy was a dinosaur who might reasonably be sacked.

For example, our story alleging he had told owner Marcus Evans that his dog had eaten his tactics book was sheer fantasy and had no foundation whatsoever.

Similarly, our assertion that Mr McCarthy’s exploits in the recent transfer window coincided with landing a personal endorsement deal with Bargain Bins Skip Hire was also unfair and misleading.

Mick McCarthy is the new face of Bargain BinsRubbish story: Mick McCarthy and Bargain Bins

We regret other stories, such as our claim that the former Ireland, Sunderland and Wolves boss was going to buy the entire Lincoln City team after the non-league outfit dumped Ipswich out of the FA Cup, which was entirely without fact.

As was our report that “gutless” Ipswich could now concentrate on relegation after that awkward third-round cup defeat.

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Instead, we now acknowledge Mr Mick McCarthy is doing an excellent job at Portman Road, given the somewhat meagre sums being made available to him by Mr Evans, and we look forward to a continued surge up the league table.

By way of compensation for the personal grief and injustice caused, we have agreed to pay a substantial undisclosed sum to a charity of Mr McCarthy’s choice – the Suffolk Gazette Beer Fund, which does a terrific job looking after soon-to-be-sacked editors.

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Daily Mail in rage as French Bulldog becomes most popular dog

The Editor
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Daily Mail in rage as French Bulldog becomes most popular dog

French bulldog
The Daily Mail is apoplectic with rage over news that the French Bulldog is to become Britain’s favourite dog, it has emerged.

Now the newspaper’s editor is demanding all French Bulldogs are castrated or sent back across the English Channel.

Mr Paul Dacre has ordered his team of columnists and newshounds to campaign against the invading Europeans and back the beloved Labrador, which is tipped to be usurped as Britain’s top breed by 2018.

French bulldog

A Daily Mail spokesman said: “These big-eared foreigners come over here and expect to be looked after without having to pay a single thing, or do a stroke of work. They might even have dog food allergies.

“The Labrador is a working breed and has been Britain’s most popular dog since 1990 when it took over from the Yorkshire Terrier, another great British dog. We didn’t all back Brexit only for the French to take over.”

Kennel Club figures show the popularity of the French Bulldog has risen dramatically in recent years, with registrations up 47% from 14,607 in 2015, to 21,470 in 2016.

Daily Mail reader Ken Biggot, 57, of Halesworth in Suffolk, fumed: “The French bulldogs smell of cheese and they run away when anything German comes along, like an Alsatian. They do not work or seem to have any use other than as a celebrity accessory.

“I fought in two world wars and have worked and paid my taxes since I was eight, so this is all Europe’s fault.”

Freezing Norfolk beach packed with ‘random’ walkers

The Editor
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Freezing Norfolk beach packed with ‘random’ walkers

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Norfolk’s coastline was packed today as hundreds of thousands of people randomly decided to go beachcombing, despite the freezing weather.

The mass turnout shows how keen East Anglians are on enjoying the sea air and keeping fit, and in no way has anything to do with millions of pounds of cocaine washing up all over the coast in recent days.

Norfolk beach

Dazza Barnet, 24, from Great Yarmouth normally spends his weekends under a blanket on his sofa watching recordings of Jeremy Kyle. But today he decided it would be a “lovely idea” to go for a walk on the beach.

Unemployed Mr Barnet said: “It’s a delightful day, and what better way to enjoy the great outdoors but to go for a stroll along the beach? There’s lots to see and you never know what you might find.”

Norfolk beach

Hopton beach, which is where cocaine worth £50 million was washed up this week, was particularly busy. In fact, police had to close it off at one point because so many day ‘trippers’ were enjoying going for a walk.

Drugs on Norfolk beachNot to be sniffed at: drugs worth millions washed up on Norfolk beach
Word, not written by a copywriter, soon got out that more drugs had been found further up the coast – and suddenly people were out bracing the freezing rain there as well.

An insider at Norfolk Police said: “It’s a bit of a coincidence that the beaches are packed in February, just as industrial quantities of high-grade cocaine is washing up all over the coast.”

Meanwhile, farm worker Bubba Spuckler, 27, who lives in Downham Market with his sister and their eight children, has decided to take a package holiday on the Norfolk coast.

“I hear it’s a lovely part of the world. I wouldn’t normally go away in February but the winter blues get, er, right up my nose.”

drugs on beachHigh tide: Bubba Spuckler enjoying his holiday
Some Norfolk landowners are taking desperate measures to keep the excitable walkers off their land. Henry Lansbury, who keeps a 200-acre estate near Caister, erected signs warning people to keep away from the mystery white powder that has appeared on his property.

norfolk beach signKeep your nose out: Warning to Norfolk beachcombers

Road users confused by polite Audi courtesy car

The Editor
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Road users confused by polite Audi courtesy car

Audi courtesy car

Road users were thrown into confusion yesterday when an Audi let another car out into slow-moving traffic.

But the extraordinary gesture was soon explained after it emerged the vehicle was, in fact, an Audi courtesy car on loan to a polite driver.

All motorists know that Audi owners are programmed to be aggressive and to assume they own the road.

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However, it takes most of them at least a week to acclimatise to being pushy after they get behind one of the German-engineered cars for the first time.

This week shop manager Charlotte Brewer, 28, from Bury St Edmunds, was loaned an Audi courtesy car when her own VW Golf was in the workshop for repairs.

And when she was heading slowly through rush-hour traffic into town yesterday, she thought nothing of waving through a Vauxhall that was waiting patiently to exit a side road.

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The Vauxhall driver, factory worker Bill Smart, 47, said: “I couldn’t believe an Audi let me in. I assumed it was some sort of mistake, but then when we pulled up side-by-side at traffic lights, the lady driver smiled sweetly, rolled down her window and told me it was a courtesy car.”

A spokesman for Audi said: “We have a hard-earned reputation to keep, and will be looking to ensure none of our vehicles are ever used as courtesy cars again.

“An Audi courtesy car is an oxymoron.”

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Lose weight with brilliant new diet lipstick

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Lose weight with brilliant new diet lipstick

Super Glue Diet Lispstick

Chemists have invented an amazing new lipstick that helps you lose weight, it emerged today.

The wonder product is guaranteed to shed the pounds within days of being applied to the lips.

Users say the product, called Super Glue Diet Lipstick, really helps dieting and has been known to add a certain peace and quiet to a home.

One early customer, Lorraine Fisher, 34, of Stowmarket, Suffolk said: “I applied the lipstick and found I not only lost the cravings to eat – I simply couldn’t eat at all.

“I’ve tried all the diet crazes and fads before, but nothing worked or the weight piled back on afterwards. But the effect of the Super Glue Diet Lipstick was amazing. I lost a stone within a week.”

Ms Fisher, who works at the ICI paint factory, admitted there were one or two side effects.

“My boyfriend often tells me to shut my mouth. Well with this lipstick I could not actually open my mouth properly at all. He really enjoyed the peace and quiet.

“I was on liquids for two weeks – fortunately that included gin and tonic… slimline of course.”

Super Glue Diet Lipstick is available from all good chemists, and some bad ones, priced at £3.99. One application is usually enough.

The news comes as it was revealed that drinking just half a bottle of wine before going to bed each night is another excellent weight-loss plan.

Amazing Amy, 101, insists cigar a day keeps the doctor away

The Editor
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Amazing Amy, 101, insists cigar a day keeps the doctor away

Old woman, 101, smokes fat cigar a day

Amazing Amy Johnson celebrated her 101st birthday yesterday by puffing on a large cigar, just as she has every day for more than 80 years.

Ms Johnson claims her favourite Cuban cigars have kept her young – and laughed off doctors’ warnings that smoking is bad for you.

“How can it be so?” she said as she celebrated with friends in Ipswich yesterday. “I’ve made it to 101 years old and I’ve hardly ever had so much as a cough!

“So I say, a big cigar a day keeps the doctor away.”

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Ms Johnson, who is a well-known local character, was born in Long Melford during World War One, and moved to Ipswich when she was 16 to work as an assistant in a tobacconist.

It was there that she developed a fondness for cigars, and began her extraordinary habit of getting through one Cuban-style cigar every day, pausing briefly in World War Two when suplies were hard to come by.

She steadfastly ignored health warnings about the perils of smoking, and says she is living proof that a good tobacco can have benefits.

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“I never married,” she said. “But I was happy to have a Cuban as my companion. I enjoy it every day, but I am careful not to smoke it all at once.

“So I have around a third of it in the morning, more in the afternoon, then finish it off after supper. I’ve hardly ever go to the doctors, and I’ve never been in hospital.”

Her habit has caused some issue at her nursing home in recent years, where for legal reasons she now has to go outside to smoke.

“There is a shelter by the back door and I join some of the staff there. I’m more like to die from catching a cold out there,” she joked.

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Suffolk lion sightings spark huge police hunt

The Editor
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Suffolk lion sightings spark huge police hunt

Police look for lion on the loose in Suffolk

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

A police operation to catch a lion on the loose in a Suffolk village was called off when the dangerous animal turned out to be a stuffed toy left in a field.

Suffolk police received three calls from worried elderly residents at Saxtead, who claimed they had spotted a lion stalking the long grass on the village green.

Officers sent three patrol cars to the village near Framlingham and even sent up the police helicopter to find the rogue big cat.

Villagers were warned to stay indoors and the A1120 was closed while calls were made to regional zoos to check if any lions had escaped.

But the search was called off after 45 minutes when a constable discovered the “lion” was, in fact, a stuffed toy that had been carelessly discarded on recreational land.

Police search for a lion at SaxteadMane attraction: police searching for the Suffolk lion in Saxtead

A police source said: “The stuffed toy was quite large and certainly could be mistaken easily for a real lion, especially by someone who is elderly and whose eyesight is longer as good as it used to be.

“It’s always better to be safe that sorry, so we sent officers to check the area, and used the force helicopter with a heat-seeking camera to look for the beast.

“We’re glad it was a false alarm and nobody was killed.”

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