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Spiders complain about media hate campaign

The Editor
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Spiders complain about media hate campaign

Upset house spiders have complained to press watchdogs after the media whipped up a deadly hate campaign against them.

Every newspaper and TV news station has reported about millions of huge spiders invading houses – and given advice about how to keep them out.

They have also been terrifying everyone with claims that the venomous false widow spider is on the march across Britain.

A perfect storm of summer weather conditions and abundance of food has increased the number of spiders harmlessly hanging about minding their own business.

But that has been seized upon by evil press barons looking to make money out of their readers’ fears.

Last night Boris, a friendly spider in Suffolk who represents the nation’s arachnid population, said: “Alwight, guv’nor. We’re ‘armless. No really, we have eight legs and no arms.

“Thanks to the press everyone now wants to kill us. We’re in a right two and eight,” complained Boris, 3, who moved from London’s East End to Suffolk because he’d heard people were nicer there.

“All we want to do is find a mate at this time of year, so we wander about a bit looking for ’em. Now we have to watch out for humans dropping books on us, or desperately yelling at their dogs or cats to eat us.”

image

Boris has now scribbled a letter in his spidery handwriting to the Independent Press Standards Organisation, claiming journalists are preying on readers’ irrational fears.

“Reporters are spinning a web of lies about us,” said Boris, who has 743 children.

Another spider, Jim, from Bury St Edmunds, added: “Don’t believe everything you read in the papers – for example, we actually love playing conkers, so leaving a chestnut in the corner of your room isn’t going to scare us off.”

A spokesman for IPSO said they would review Boris’ complaint.

An insider at Entomologist Concern said: “Spiders are friendly little creatures just going about their business. There really is no need to be so nasty to them.”

Man furious after being refused state handout for third child

The Editor
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Man furious after being refused state handout for third child

Royal baby

A man from Kensington is furious after discovering the Government has capped state benefits to just two children.

Mr William Windsor, 35, announced today that his wife is expecting their third child.

But his joy was short-lived as he realised he had become a victim of Tory austerity measures – and he will get no extra child tax credit.

Now he and his long-suffering wife Kate, 35, will attempt to get something back from the state by asking for a bigger council house.

Their existing flat in Kensington Palace will soon be a bit of a squeeze, and it will be some time before he can move into his granny’s state-funded detached house at the end of The Mall.

A concerned neighbour said: “We’re not sure how Mr and Mrs Windsor will cope without the Government handouts for a third child.

“They are maxed out on benefits already because neither of them have a job, so money is going to be really tight now.”

However, a friend of the couple said: “The new baby is wonderful news and will help take all our minds off impending nuclear Armageddon and the fact that summer has ended.”

Others said it was lovely news and it was “very mean” to take the mickey out of them on this joyous day.

Mr Windsor is also upset because the arrival of a new child might mean he can not go away with the lads to football – presuming England make it to next summer’s World Cup in Russia.

“There’s no way his missus will let him go on an away day if she’s just had a another baby,” one friend said.

New Norfolk map produced by Suffolk Gazette

The Editor
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New Norfolk map produced by Suffolk Gazette

Norfolk map

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

The people of Norfolk are delighted with a new map that carefully illustrates the county so visitors can find their way around.

Produced by Suffolk Gazette Cartographers Ltd, the map is a must purchase for anyone foolhardy enough to want to visit Norfolk.

While much of the county is home to dragons or is so far unexplored, there are some high points for tourists.

On the north Norfolk coast, there is Wells Next The Sea, a town whose name does not even make sense, and which is jealous of Suffolk’s posh coastal towns of Southwold and Aldeburgh.

Also on the north coast is an area called Cromer, made famous recently by the visit of jolly members of the Irish travelling community. Everybody was having such a nice time that even all the local businesses shut up shop to join in the celebrations.

Further down the coast is a town famous for kiss-me-quick hats, drunken sex, unemployment and slot machines. Yarmouth, which surprisingly has the word ‘Great’ in front of it, is a holiday destination presumably for those who had not done any sort of research beforehand.

The Norfolk Broads can be seen on the map, together with Wroxham, a town that is owned entirely by the Roy family.

Norwich, home to local radio host Alan Partridge and a crap football team, is the county administrative HQ and is accessible by horse and cart.

Finally, the map identifies the southern border, where Suffolk authorities have erected a huge Game of Thrones-style wall to prevent Norfolk people from crossing into the Promised Land and stealing crops.

The map is a sister to the Suffolk map, and also the Essex map, and is available for £19.99 from the Suffolk Cartographers website.

Wayne Rooney charged with driving VW Beetle

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Wayne Rooney charged with driving VW Beetle

Wayne Rooney

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Football star Wayne Rooney has been charged with driving a VW Beetle, it has emerged.

The Everton and former England captain was stopped by police in Cheshire in the early hours of Thursday morning.

It is an offence for a man to drive a VW Beetle, which are explicitly for women motorists.

Police stopped the car at 2am in Wilmslow when they suspected a male was behind the wheel.

A police spokesman said: “Officers stopped a black VW Beetle because they were sure they had seen the driver was a man.

“They discovered Wayne Rooney, 31, in the driving seat, and he has now been charged with driving a VW Beetle.”

The footballer had been on a night out with pals while his pregnant wife was away on holiday.

Rooney has been bailed to appear before Stockport Magistrates on September 18 – the day after Everton take on his former club, Manchester United.

Men have been forbidden from driving VW Beetles for 20 years under the 1997 Driving Decency Act.

News of Rooney’s alleged offence comes just weeks after the Suffolk Gazette revealed a man had been spotted driving a Fiat 500.

A pal of the star said: “This will be so embarrassing for Wayne. Being allegedly caught driving a VW Beetle is a massive no no for any self-respecting man.

“He’ll have a lot of explaining to do when Coleen gets home.”

Dutch seize Felixstowe after war re-enactment goes wrong

The Editor
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Dutch seize Felixstowe after war re-enactment goes wrong

Dutch control Felixstowe

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

A historical re-enactment of the Battle of Landguard Fort went badly wrong – and now the Dutch control Felixstowe for real.

Enthusiasts met up to celebrate the anniversary of the 1667 conflict, with the Dutch side attempting to storm the fortress next to Felixstowe docks.

But they took their role too literally and seized the fort before marching into Felixstowe and taking over the Town Hall as well.

Armed with muskets and swords, they raised the Dutch flag and, according to ancient charter, now officially control Felixstowe.

Battle of Landguard Fort

The unexpected development caught organisers of the re-enactment by surprise, and they blame Dutch nationalists for infiltrating the normally-friendly historical war society

Police and army officers are in talks with the group to find a peaceful resolution and return Felixstowe to British control.

“It’s all a bit embarrassing,” a spokesman for the Ministry of Defence said. “This group of Dutch war enthusiasts managed what the Dutch failed to do in the Second Anglo-Dutch War in 1667.

“Twelve of them currently occupy Felixstowe Town Hall. They have not made any demands yet, aside from asking for some bread, cheese and rum.

“We expect this all to end peacefully soon enough.”

Residents in Felixstowe were unaware they have been invaded and over run.

Mum of eight Phyllis ‘Phil’ McCracken said: “It’s very worrying. It’s not the sort of thing you expect to happen around here. Do I have to start speaking Dutch?”

Photos from the Felixstowe Museum.

Women spend as much on Prosecco as their mortgage

The Editor
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Women spend as much on Prosecco as their mortgage

prosecco

The average British woman now spends as much on Prosecco as she does on her mortgage or rent, it has been confirmed.

Researchers discovered women are guzzling more of the delicious Italian sparkling wine than ever before.

And they are forking out on average £650 a month on the bottles in pubs, bars and supermarkets – as much as the average mortgage or rent payment across the country.

John Barclay, of the Institute of Retail Measurement, said: “It’s a great time to be in the Prosecco business – British women can’t get enough of it.

“Bottles are flying off the supermarket shelves and are now a staple part of any visit to the local pub.”

But medical and financial experts warned boozy ladies they could be heading for health and money problems.

Dr Phil Ward, of the Suffolk Clinic of Medical Studies, said: “If you assume an average bottle of decent Prosecco in the supermarket is £10, this shows women are drinking 65 bottles of the stuff a month to spend that £650.

“This is way above the safe alcohol limit. Cutting consumption of Prosecco by 75% is probably still not enough.

“We would recommend one glass a day – not more than two bottles.”

And George Churchill, an independent financial advisor from Bury St Edmunds added: “This spending on mortgages and rent is far too high and is not sustainable.

“Women should consider downsizing their homes if they wish to keep up their Prosecco lifestyle.”

Trump will sell Alaska back to Russia to pay for Mexican wall

The Editor
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Trump will sell Alaska back to Russia to pay for Mexican wall

Donald Trump Alaska

Donald Trump is poised to sell Alaska back to the Russians in order to fund his Mexican wall, it has emerged.

The US President sees Alaska as surplus to requirements now that America has plundered most of its natural resources.

And with the White House locked in a Mexican standoff over who will pay for the massive wall across its southern border, the sale proceeds will come in handy.

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America bought Alaska from the Russian Empire in 1867 for $7.2 million. Since then they have taken all of the gold and most of the oil and gas.

Furthermore, environmentalists have become a pain about keeping the state, north-west of Canada, in tip-top shape, and the residents have become a strain on the welfare budget.

Mr Trump came up with the plan to sell Alaska back to the Russians when an envoy from Moscow muted the idea of leasing back the territory so its super rich could go there on bear-hunting holidays.

The Russians also believe native Americans in Alaska are actually Russian.

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A White House spokesman said: “We don’t really need Alaska anymore. It’s stuck on the top of Canada miles away from anywhere, and quite frankly looking after it has become increasingly annoying and expensive.

“We have quoted a price of $10 billion to Russia, which represents quite a profit – and that will be more than enough to build our huge wall along the Mexican border.”

Professor of Politics at Suffolk University, Dr Hugh Williamson said: “While this sale will solve Mr Trump’s wall problems, it does pose another question: what will become of former Alaska governor Sarah Palin? The Russians won’t want her.”

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Now it’s Postman Patel and Bartosz the Builder as BBC rebrands kids TV

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Now it’s Postman Patel and Bartosz the Builder as BBC rebrands kids TV

Postman Patel

The BBC will cause uproar this week by insisting that children’s television favourites be remade to reflect a “modern and diverse Britain”.

Postman Pat is first for retirement and will be replaced by Postman Patel, a cheery new character who delivers the mail in inner city Birmingham rather than Longsleddale.

Also hanging up his tools is Bob the Builder, making way for Bartosz the Builder, who has moved to Britain from Poland to set up a new life for himself and his lovely family.

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The BBC is also concerned that so many of the popular kids TV characters are men, so Fireman Sam is now being rebranded as Fireperson Samantha.

“Our children’s television shows are stuck in the 1950’s and need bringing up to speed with a modern and diverse Britain,” a BBC insider revealed.

“We needed a complete rethink of how characters are portrayed on the small screen so youngsters feel more comfortable.

“This is also a perfect way to reduce racism and feminism in the workplace.”

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But the move sparked a furious reaction from some quarters. Suffolk UKIP councillor Major Reynold Besqinthorpe fumed: “This is utter nonsense from the left-wing BBC.

“Our children grew up with these beloved characters – there is simply no need to update them in this way.”

Mum of eight Phyllis “Phil” McCracken, from Great Yarmouth in Norfolk added: “This is political correctness gone mad.”

The BBC is likely to cause further outrage by insisting that Ivor the Engine be rebranded as a transgender express called Eva the Engine.

The lovable Welsh train will get into lots of arguments with the newly slimmed-down Thin Controller.

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