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Ipswich Town receive Championship long-service award

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Ipswich Town receive Championship long-service award

ITFC ground

The Football League has given Ipswich Town a prestigious long-service award after it emerged the club is heading for its 17th consecutive season in the Championship.

Mick McCarthy’s Suffolk side has bored fans into submission by failing to get promoted and also by avoiding relegation since they last played in the Premiership in 2002.

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Supporters are so used to mid-table obscurity that they now struggle to get excited by anything at all, with even away fans singing: “Is this a library?”.

And with only 17 matches to go this season, Ipswich are again in 12th place out of 24, exactly mid table – and with a goal difference of zero.

A Football League spokesman said: “There is no chance of Ipswich making the play-offs, and it is highly unlikely they will get relegated this season.

“So it is more of less certain the club will be in the Championship again next season.

“And as that will be its 17th successive campaign in the same division, we have decided to give them a long-service award.”

The trophy will be presented to club owner Marcus Evans on the centre circle at Carrow Road, in front of the Sky television cameras when Ipswich travel to Norwich for the East Anglian derby on February 18.

And that date is significant because it represents one of only two things Ipswich fans have to look forward to this season – beating Norwich, and hopefully finishing above them in the league.

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“It’s a right royal battle for 12th place,” Ipswich fan Lorraine Fisher, 34, said.

“Being stuck in the Championship for an eternity is not fun – but this long-service award at least gives us a little reward for our rather dull consistency.”

Supporters are eagerly looking forward to the rest of this season, and expect next season to be just as exciting.

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Norfolk MP thought lap-dancing was Scandinavian folk display

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Norfolk MP thought lap-dancing was Scandinavian folk display

lap-dancing

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

A Norfolk MP who was caught in a sleazy lap-dancing club has claimed he thought he was attending a celebration of Scandinavian folk dancing.

Tory Bubba Spuckler, the MP for Downham Market, insisted he went to the strip joint believing it had something to do with traditional Lapland music.

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“I am very interested in the cultural activities of Lapland, Finland and Scandinavia in general.

“So when a constituent of mine, following a meeting at Westminster, suggested we go to a nearby lap-dancing club, I was up for it.

“Obviously once I realised exactly what sort of establishment it was, after about three hours, I decided to leave.

“Unfortunately that is when the police raided the place, claiming it was operating without the necessary licence.

“I told them I was on a cultural visit, but they did not seem too impressed.”

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Mr Spuckler, who made the news last year when he claimed banning family members from working for MPs would be a particular problem in Norfolk, was held by police for two hours but released without charge.

However, dancer Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Suffolk was charged with public indecency.

“It was all an honest mix-up,” said Mr Spuckler, 64. “I am sure the ladies of Downham Market Women’s Institute will understand.”

He said he would avoid making the same mistake a second time.

Instead, he was looking forward to getting his haircut after a pal invited him along to a local clip joint.

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Fears grow as Kim Jong-un gets an office cat

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Fears grow as Kim Jong-un gets an office cat

Kim Jong un cat button

Fears were growing for world peace today after it emerged Kim Jong-un has got a new cat which he allows to play in his office.

The silky-furred black moggy has the freedom of the North Korean leader’s work desk, and likes nothing more than a game.

But experts in the west have become alarmed after photos emerged of the kitty taking an interest in a large red button.

Worried British security expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It’s only a matter of time before the temptation becomes too much and the cat prods the button with her paw.

“Within seconds, her feline curiosity will have set off scores of ballistic nuclear missiles to South Korea, Japan and the United States of America.

“It will be the biggest cat-made disaster known to humankind.”

Officials close to Kim Jong-un, who recently boasted he has a nuclear button on his desk, have also seen the cat staring at the button with devilish yellow eyes.

It is seen above in a photograph that first emerged on Twitter (we’re happy to give a photo credit when we know who ‘took’ the image).

However, they know that shooing it away or raising concerns to their Dear Leader would mean 25 years in hard labour camp near the Chinese border.

“He loves that cat,” said a North Korean diplomat in London. “He won’t hear a word said against it.”

Animal behaviour expert Steve Walshe, from Suffolk, said: “If you put a cat next to an object that clearly should not be touched, it will touch it.

“Normally this would something of little importance, like a cotton reel or a pencil.

“But in this case it is the button that can start World War Three.

“I would urge Mr Jong-un to keep a close eye on his new cat, or at least put his big red button in a drawer.”

Genetically inbred Norfolk carrots sold in Suffolk

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Genetically inbred Norfolk carrots sold in Suffolk

Genetically inbred Norfolk carrots

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Fears are growing that Norfolk farmers are creating genetically inbred carrots and selling them on Suffolk’s supermarket shelves.

Shoppers around the county have noticed weird, mutant carrots appearing in the vegetable aisles.

Now Trading Standards agents have concluded the inbred carrots are being produced on the cheap in Norfolk.

They traced a consignment of offensive carrots to a smallholding near Downham Market run by Bubba Spuckler.

“We found he was interchanging the seeds from the same carrot family and this was producing mutant carrots.

“While these vegetables can be eaten, they do cause widespread offence in more worldly-wise areas like Suffolk.”

Mr Spuckler, who lives on his farm with his sister and their eight children, denied any wrongdoing.

Chasing our reporter and photographer off his property while waving a pitch fork above his head, he shouted: “I’ll make you squeal like a pig!”

Genetically inbred

Further official investigations, which were also run by the Ministry of Agriculture, confirmed the practise of inbreeding carrots was widespread on Norfolk farms.

Agent Mark Swain said: “Within days we discovered two more farms where these unsavoury practises were going on.

“One was run by Billy Bob Spuckler from near Hunstanton, who is apparently the brother and father of Bubba Spuckler.

“Another was an industrial-scale production unit near Yarmouth managed by Tammy Spuckler, who is a mother, sister and Great Aunt of Bubba.

“It has turned into quite a difficult job cracking this network of dodgy farmers making vegetables on the cheap.”

An executive at Waitrose said they had begun marketing the mutant veg as an “organic, ancient variety reintroduced by artisan East Anglian producers”.

“Normally we can get away with this sort of thing because our customers will believe anything labelled as ‘artisan’. But even they were horrified that these are, in fact, genetically inbred carrots from Norfolk.

“We have now removed them from the shelves.”

Shopper Lorraine Fisher, 34, was disgusted. “These carrots should never have come to Suffolk. They should stay in Norfolk where people like to keep things in the family.”

Northern mum braves snow, wears second pair of pyjamas on school run

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Northern mum braves snow, wears second pair of pyjamas on school run

Northern woman

It has been so cold in northern England this week that a mum has put on a second pair of pyjamas before taking her kids to school.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Darlington, shrieked: “It’s cold enough to freeze me tits off, pet,” as she dropped off adorable Zak, seven, twins Zany and Zandooorf, eight, Ziggy, nine and ten-year-old Zednut to their local primary school.

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Being a hard-as-nails northern woman, Miss Fisher is used to ignoring the Arctic weather that blights the country north of Peterborough.

But even she was taken aback by this week’s cold snap.

Yesterday, she spent an additional five seconds getting ready for the school run – so six seconds in total – by adding a second layer of pyjamas.

Other mums shivering at the school gates in their night gowns were “dead jealous” when they saw what she had done.

And they vowed to follow her lead tomorrow, should it still be a “slightly chilly” -5 degrees in driving snow.

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However, southern mother Sofia Gestinghtorpe-Charles, 27, from Framlingham in Suffolk, said Miss Fisher was a disgrace.

“The lazy cow should get dressed properly in the morning like the rest of us.

“Fancy wearing your pyjamas on the school run? What sort of message does that send to the kids?

“But fair play to her for coming up with the idea to put on an extra layer. I would never have thought of turning the heating up in the Audi.”

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Is North Korea Winter Olympics team training in Walberswick?

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Is North Korea Winter Olympics team training in Walberswick?

North Korea Winter Olympics

Speculation was rife in Suffolk today that the North Korea Winter Olympics team has been enjoying a secret training camp at Walberswick.

Rumours first started spreading after Asian athletes, wearing red kit with the letters DPRK, were seen training on the Suffolk coastal village’s sand dunes.

Now this newspaper’s investigations appear to confirm that elite members of the North Korean team are being put through their paces as part of training for next month’s games in South Korea.

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It is a common technique for athletes to train on sand dunes, often hauling a tyre attached to a rope around their midriff.

This improves stamina and strength – ideal for the North Korean skiers, skaters and members of their world-famous bobsleigh team.

They were sent to Walberswick by Kim Jong-un, who has a love affair with the Suffolk coast after buying a caravan holiday home there three years ago.

Staying at a secret location – possibly in nearby Southwold – the team has been spotted running up and down the dunes, as well as swimming in the North Sea, and enjoying wrestling competitions.

Eye witness Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “I was walking the dog at Walberswick when I saw around 15 athletes training on the dunes.

“Someone said they were from North Korea, but I didn’t believe them. It seems strange that they would be training for the Winter Olympics in Suffolk.

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“But as I got close they were clearly wearing the North Korean team kit. They had a translator called Jim Miles with them, who wished me a cheery good morning.”

It is believed the team members have been enjoying traditional seaside fish and chips, even if this has played haddock with their strict diet regime.

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Cars to use Orwell Bridge tunnel when crossing closed

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Cars to use Orwell Bridge tunnel when crossing closed

Orwell Bridge tunnel

A tunnel that already runs through the concrete under the Orwell Bridge carriageway is to be opened to cars when the crossing is closed.

The move will end the traffic chaos in Ipswich whenever the Orwell Bridge is shut during high winds or after an accident.

Engineers (pictured above) are now working on bringing the access tunnel, originally used during construction in 1982, up to standard, and adding a slip road to link it with the main carriageway.

Named the Orwell Tunnel, it will only be available to cars and motorbikes because it is not wide enough for lorries.

Heavy goods vehicles will instead be diverted through Ipswich as normal when the bridge is closed, or use sat navs on Amazon to find alternative routes. .

But the ability for cars to use the tunnel will ensure Ipswich does not get gridlocked, which adds hours onto even the simplest journey.

Orwell Bridge tunnel

Engineer Lorraine Fisher, 34 of construction specialists Calirrion said: “The tunnel through the bridge’s structure was a standard feature to allow construction workers access to all points when the bridge was being built.

“On a recent inspection, it was decided the tunnel could be used by cars with only a few modifications, one of those being safe access from the A14.

“We are working on completing the project by the summer of 2019.”

Councillors and business leaders are thrilled with the news, suggesting it is a further boost to the local economy so soon after it was announced the A14 is being upgraded to a motorway.

“Nobody will be stuck in Ipswich traffic jams anymore when the bridge closes,” explained an insider at Suffolk County Council. “People will love whizzing through the tunnel instead.

“It will be subject to a 30mph speed limit, but even so it will be quicker than being gridlocked in town.”

He suggested the council was trying to find a sponsor for the tunnel to help pay for the costs, with French fragrance and fashion giant Chanel already expressing an interest.

“They see the merit in having the Chanel Tunnel, and who can blame them?” an executive close to the negotiations said.

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The best places to play poker in Suffolk

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The best places to play poker in Suffolk

Is there a game more glamorous than poker? From James Bond to the Cincinnati Kid, there are endless tales of winners and losers that give the humble game a glitzy and glamorous edge. And what better setting for a high stakes game of Texas Hold ‘Em than the stunning countryside and endless farmland of East Anglia.

Poker is a great ‘sport’ (ducks to avoid pint glass) that can be played by anyone, but it takes a special mind to master it. As well the thrill of a winning hand, the audacity needed to make a huge bluff and the skill needed to keep a totally emotionless poker face (farmers should be good at this), it’s also a great way to take money off total strangers, and say things to people that would normally earn you a smack in the mouth. As well as the dainty, complex calculations and exceptional knowledge of the odds needed to outsmart your opponents, pub poker players need to be good at swearing too.

With better seaside views than Monte Carlo and a much wetter and therefore more comfortable climate than Las Vegas, players visiting the area can enjoy some of the best poker in the world thanks to a great choice of gaming options all over Suffolk. Whether it’s the weekly dog-eat-dog Ipswich PubPoker tournaments or the national Nuts Poker League with plenty of stops on their tour, players are certainly spoilt for choice. To help you find some great places for a game of cards, we’ve picked a few of the best poker options in the county so you can get stuck in and earn some extra cider money.

Ipswich PubPoker

The pub. The ideal mix of comfort, friendliness and booze. Could it get any better? Well, if you’re in Ipswich and you live near one of the pubs that regularly host midweek poker, then you’re in for an absolute treat.

With four seasons taking place throughout the year consisting of 11 league games, there’s tons of action all over Ipswich nearly every night of the week. The beauty of the PubPoker leagues is that players can visit on any venue on the list, and their wins can be carried over to their overall score, with some big money prizes for the overall season leaders.

If you’re good enough to be in the pool of top players, then it’s off to the finals event, which is all about raising money for charity and playing for the £650 tournament bonus and the top 5 spots. If you make it this far, then you’ll be playing in the qualifiers, then the high 5 event for a potential £5,000 cash prize and a £5,000 semi-pro sponsorship. That’s right, if you’re the best poker player in Ipswich, then you can net 5 grand and backing to start playing professionally! You don’t even need to be a regular player either, with a unique qualifying structure ensuring it’s never to late to make the season finals.

Playing locations include the California social club, where new members are always welcome, Lily’s Bar, The Old Times Guest House, The Farmhouse and the Thrasher. All league games are played for small £4 stakes and 100% of the stakes are paid out onto the night. You’ll need to chuck a quid in for charity, too.

If you fancy a cash game without having to enter the overall tournament, then you should check out Friday nights at the Old Times Guest House. The bets are limited to stay within the law, but there isn’t anywhere else on a Friday night in Ipswich where you can play lightening hands of quick draw Hold ‘Em and have the strict no breaks style tournament play seen at the World Series of Poker. You can almost cut the tension with a knife most weekends.

Your dining room, your house

Fancy getting the train to Great Yarmouth or Southend to visit the overpriced casinos for a night of expensive drinks and argumentative people trying to take the Michael out the dealer? We didn’t think so! So why not get your football / farming / work mates round yours for a game of poker? You can organise the perfect game of poker in your own home through following a few simple steps, what are you waiting for? There aren’t many better feelings than taking your mate’s money!

If that isn’t enough to get your poker juices flowing, then we don’t know what is. Short of a trip to the amusements at Clacton pier, these options are easily the best gambling kick you’ll get without having to leave Suffolk.

The Nuts poker league

Whilst the Ipswich PubPoker league is an absolute behemoth of a poker offering, there is another contender for biggest and most exciting game of poker in Suffolk. The Nuts poker league is Britain’s biggest, sexiest, meanest and most lucrative pub poker event ever. Played in pubs all over the country, the top 40 getting an invite to the finals at the end of the year. There’s a sweet 10k up for grabs for the winner, as well as any tournament prize money won up to that point, which will easily be in the thousands.

There are league games all over Suffolk and over the border in Norfolk, but who wants to go there eh. You’ll be up against the best of the best if you dare to venture to a league game however, so prepare for some hardcore competition. If you can brave the mean streets of Lowestoft and find yourself at the Ship Inn, then you’ll need to topple the mean machines that are Bob ‘Wood Butcher’ Janney, ‘Muggy’ Mike Linfield and Steven ‘Never Bluffs’ Burwood before you’re in with a shot at the big time.

First time players and beginners are always welcome, but remember that this is pub poker and even if you’re lovely and explain nicely that you’re a beginner (which is an absolute no no), people will still skin you alive at the first chance they get. You’re best off getting some practice in at home with your mates, the perfect starting point for newbies who want to learn the ropes without Barry ‘Murder Van’ Graham taking your chips off you after 5 minutes.

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