In these times of social-distancing, I’ve taken over the attic to grow my new boat-building business.
Sails are going through the roof.
Get your next joke in 30 minutes! They may not be the best jokes, but we have to get through the lockdown somehow.
Today’s other jokes here: 8.30am | 9.30am | 10am | 10.30am | 11am | 11.30am | 12 noon | 12.30pm | 1pm | 1.30pm | 2pm | 2.30pm | 3pm | 3.30pm | 4pm | 4.30pm | 5pm
I woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
My plumber has a strange sense of humour.
Get your next joke in 30 minutes! They may not be the best jokes, but we have to get through the lockdown somehow.
Today’s other jokes here: 9am | 9.30am | 10am | 10.30am | 11am | 11.30am | 12 noon | 12.30pm | 1pm | 1.30pm | 2pm | 2.30pm | 3pm | 3.30pm | 4pm | 4.30pm | 5pm
The lack of traffic and man-made pollution is having extraordinary benefits for the environment, as this picture of Lowestoft today shows.
As streets remain empty and an eery calm returns, the Suffolk resort’s beach and seawater are slowly returning to their beautiful natural state.
The amazing transformation comes after reports and photographs showed the canals in Venice were becoming clear and you could see to the bottom.
Locals are amazed at how beautiful Lowestoft really is, compared with how it normally looks, below.
Environmental expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “You might normally expect Lowestoft to have a dull grey sea, concrete monstrosities and overcast skies.
“But a ban on human activity has allowed the town to revert to its natural state, with turquoise blue seas, cobalt blue skies, exquisite sands, tropical palms and more.
“It just goes to show what a mess we normally make of the place.”
Locals are urged not to go out and enjoy the beautiful scenes until the coronavirus lockdown is over.
Town councillor Mark Solomons said: “You’ll just have to trust us that it looks nice.”
Britain’s women have discovered that drinking wine regularly helps them cope with coronavirus self-isolation.
There is, however, clearly some confusion over how “regularly” the wine should be drunk.
Medics say the odd glass a day could be beneficial for physical health, and will certainly help keep the spirits up.
But woman Lorraine Fisher, 34, said downing two bottles a day was helping her.
“I read alcohol is a good way to combat Covid-19, so I am doing my bit for Britain.
“I’m getting through some lovely reds and roses. I’ll save the white for tonight.
“It’s a little disappointing that the Government has not acknowledged that wine shops are essential. Their staff should be key workers.”
While trips to the shops are being discouraged, women are increasingly looking to buy wine online from places like Suffolk’s Alchemy Wines.
Ms Fisher added: “I’ve ordered a few boxes which should last me well enough.
“Then I’ll do the same next week.”
The coronavirus has been forced into self-isolation after catching deadly Mike Ashley.
Covid-19 was simply out and about getting essential supplies from a Sports Direct shop when it came into contact with the dangerous multi-millionaire businessman.
It must now spend weeks alone in order to prevent others from catching Mike Ashley as well.
Medics say the businessman is the biggest challenge to this nation since World War Two.
Government Health spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Mike Ashley is a very dangerous condition.
“Symptoms are a flagrant disregard for fellow human beings, particularly your staff, a burning desire to make money and an uncommonly large appetite.”
Despite the UK being put into effective lockdown, Sports Direct initially announced it wanted to keep all of its stores open, claiming it was providing a key service to the British public. It even wrote to Boris Johnson for clarification.
But after a massive outcry, it said it would now close its shops.
Mike Ashley’s Sports Direct stores tried to remain open to thoughtfully offer the coronavirus somewhere to exercise freely.
After Prime Minister Boris Johnson ruled everyone is only allowed out to exercise, Mr Ashley spotted that the poor coronavirus cannot walk a dog or enjoy a bike ride.
So he has decided to unselfishly keep his shops open so the virus can jump around from one member of staff or shopper to another.
Lorraine Fisher, 34, a spokesperson for Sports Direct, said: “We have racks upon racks of cheap Firetrap t-shirts and Lonsdale tracksuits where the coronavirus can lurk after being placed there by the public.
“Then they can hop on to the next hapless person who comes along. It’s the only exercise the virus can get thanks to Mr Johnson’s new lockdown measures.
“Mr Ashley and Sports Direct are doing the public a great service and should be applauded.”
However, Brits were not sure Mr Ashley’s excuse for remaining open will go down well.
Shopper Steve Walshe said: “He’s just a money-grabbing, irresponsible tosspot.”
After a huge public outcry, Sports Direct announced that, despite writing to the Prime Minister asking for clarification if it could open, it would now shut.
The ancient tradition of burning witches could be banned in rural Suffolk as early as next year, it has emerged.
Human rights campaigners have lobbied hard for police and local authorities to clamp down on the fiery public executions.
The rest of Britain banned witch-burning hundreds of years ago, but around five witches are executed in Suffolk each year, mostly in the rural north and west of the county.
Up until now, authorities have turned a blind eye because it’s a tradition going back hundreds of years – and nobody likes witches.
But now civil rights group Witch Watch has forced a rethink. Chairperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Suffolk is the last place in the UK where witches are routinely burnt at the stake.
“One or two drown during dunking trials in The Fens, but burning is barbaric.
“Witch hunts have to come to an end. This isn’t the Middle Ages any more.”
Some rural community leaders and church officials are furious at the move.
The Rev Evan Elpuss, who preaches around the Brandon area in north-west Suffolk, said: “Witch Watch and their cronies are the work of the devil. We’ll still catch and burn witches whether they like it or not.
“The work of the WitchFinder General continues here in Suffolk.”
Suffolk County Council’s rural affairs committee will vote on the witch-burning ban later this summer. If they approve, police have said they will have no choice but to enforce it.
A spokesman said: “If we catch any villagers burning a witch, there will be consequences.”
Currently, anyone found doing so faces a maximum fine of £25 plus £10 compensation to the witch’s family.
It is believed there have been one or two errors with rabble-rousers burning innocent people, including a BT Open Reach engineer who was simply trying to install new-fangled internet functionality in Buttsford.
Prime Minister Boris Johnson has stepped up the Government response to the Covid-19 crisis by confirming we are now allowed to eat each other.
As supermarket shelves across Britain remain empty thanks to the panic-buying idiots, many families are now running low on food.
In his latest daily press conference, Mr Johnson said: “The time has come for even more drastic measures.
“As from 8am tomorrow, Britons will be allowed to each other as a last resort, if the cupboards are bare.
“These are unprecedented times and self-isolating families, or those unable to source food from elsewhere should consider a sacrifice.
“We are following the scientific advice by recommending you choose the weakest member of the family first.”
Mr Johnson said the department for food would be issuing some butchery and recipe advice in the coming days.
Spokeswoman Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It’s amazing what you can do with a clever bit of seasoning.”
