The 45 jets chartered by the Government to rescue stranded Thomas Cook customers will also be used to throw Europeans out of Britain after Brexit.
Officials say they have secured a special deal to keep the fleet of planes for an additional month so they can throw all the Europeans out of the country after October 31.
Government Brexit adviser Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “This Thomas Cook collapse is giving us perfect training, except that rather than flying hundreds of thousands into Britain, after Brexit we’ll be sending them the other way.
“We’ve got the 45 jets we secured for repatriation of stranded holidaymakers, and we’re now also putting in a cheeky bid for all of Thomas Cook’s planes as well. They won’t be needing them.
“By the end of next month, we’ll have hundreds of planes.
“Everyone from foreign places, from France to Bulgaria can be bundled on board and sent home unless they have visas to remain.”
A Suffolk woman has revealed she spent four hours in a shop yesterday searching for a pair of camouflage trousers.
The quality of the patterned garment was so good she was unable to see it anywhere on the shelves.
Shopper Lorraine Fisher, 34, fumed: “I needed a pair of camouflage trousers for a fishing trip this weekend.
“But when I went to the shop they were so well camouflaged that I couldn’t find them. I spent hours going back and forth and eventually had to give in and ask a shop assistant.
“Would you believe they were right under my nose the whole time? It just goes to show how well camouflaged they are. A bargain at £9.99.”
Ms Fisher says she attached a balloon to the trousers when she got home to Felixstowe so that she could find them easily in the morning.
“I can have a bit of fun when I wear them and creep up on people because they’ll never see me coming.”
Worried cocaine users do not need to stockpile the drug ahead of a no-deal Brexit, the Government insists.
Michael Gove, who is responsible for preparing for no deal, and who is an expert on the cocaine market, says supplies will not be interrupted after October 31.
But with customs checks set to increase at the borders, there are fears of widespread delivery delays to dealers.
Cocaine user Steve Walshe said: “Everyone bangs on about possible shortages of avocados, Spanish tomatoes and medicines, but no one has mentioned cocaine.
“It’s one of Britain’s biggest imports yet no-one has picked up on the problems we face. There will be queues of drug-laden containers on ships at our major ports for days on end.
“To ensure I am fully prepared for every eventuality, I’ve personally ordered in 25kgs from my dealer, which should see me through the autumn and busy Christmas and New Year party season.
“Hopefully, the manufacturers in Colombia will be able to handle this unusual spike in demand from the UK.”
Lorraine Fisher, 34, a spokeswoman for Brexit planner Michael Gove said: “Mr Gove says this cocaine business gets right up his nose. He’s only too well aware of the needs of cocaine users.
“He has been working hard to ensure there will be no interruption in supply.
“However, Mr Gove recognises the size of the task is not to be sniffed at.”
A cocaine industry spokesman said: “We would urge our customers not to worry. We have developed many alternative transport methods over the years and will avoid any queues at the border.”
Every year we see thousands of people flock to bookies up and down the country to make a bet. Whether their bet is based on loyalty to the team/person, knowledge or maybe their Spidey-senses are tingling, there are many reasons for people placing their bets.
Some people like to spice up their weekends and play slots, others head to gambling events. Some events receive a greater influx of bets than others – there are events across all sorts of sports – but what events are the highlights in the calendar?
The Grand National
One of the most famous horse racing events in the world is
the Grand National. It is a steeplechase event that captures the attention of
the nation and other countries across the globe. The Aintree racecourse is
historic with the first Grand National being held 180 years ago in 1839. Now the
event is at the point where we see over £200 million being bet on the event
each year. That’s right, from all the sweepstakes, last-minute-bets, carefully
calculated and joke bets that the public place on the event, the bookies take-in
millions of pounds in bets. Make sure you’re keeping an eye on the odds the
bookies give around the time of the Grand National so you don’t miss out.
The FIFA World Cup
Every four years the FIFA World Cup comes around and
football fever grips every participating nation. Similar to the Grand National,
the World Cup usually attracts a lot of sweepstakes amongst friends, work
colleagues and families. When betting on the World Cup there are so many
options to choose from. You can bet on the team to win, bet on the winner of a
single game, bet on who scores in a game or even which team will receive the
most amount of cards in the tournament – the list is practically endless. In
the UK, the amount of money spent on gambling for the 2018 World Cup was around
£2.5 billion, with bookies worldwide making a profit of around $36 billion, so
be sure to get your bets in for the 2022 World Cup in Qatar and see if you
could grab some of that money for yourself.
Wimbledon
The oldest tennis tournament in the UK is played on the
luscious grass of Wimbledon. The third tournament of the year in the series of
Grand Slam events, Wimbledon is an icon in the world of tennis with young
players aspiring to play there in the years to come. The five disciplines
(men’s singles, women’s singles, men’s doubles, women’s doubles and mixed
doubles) allow you to bet across multiple different events, chancing the winner
of any match or the outright tournament winner. Each year this event sees a
huge spike for betting in tennis with around £1.5 billion worth of bets placed
each year.
The Super Bowl
You might be surprised to find this event on the list as
it’s not even an English sport, but the Super Bowl is one of the most popular
betting events of the year in the UK. With American football becoming increasingly
popular on this side of the pond, more and more fans are staying up until the
early hours to watch the annual event take place. In America, the bookies made
a profit of $10 million after $145 million was wagered for the 53rd
edition of the event which saw the New England Patriots claim another title by
defeating the Los Angeles Rams.
So there you have it, now you know the biggest events in the UK to bet on, put them in your calendar and keep an eye out for those odds being advertised. With so much money to be made on these events, a small bet would be fun or get together a sweepstake at work – you never know, you might win big.
Police are hunting a shotgun-wielding Suffolk man who ‘robbed’ the stars of TV’s Dragons’ Den out of a £100,000.
Brandishing a shotgun and a bag, he brazenly walked out of the famous studio lift and onto the set during filming last week.
The BBC show’s stars, including tycoons Peter Jones and Deborah Meaden, assumed the man was a genuine entrepreneur pitching for funding.
Dragons Den
He walked up to the five Dragons and said: “My name is Colin, and I’m asking today for £100,000 of your money in return for zero per cent of my business.”
Shocked by what seemed like an unappealing investment opportunity, Peter Jones was the first to speak.
He said: “Hello, Colin. I’m Peter. What exactly is this business idea of yours? Are you setting up a clay pigeon shooting school or something? If so, I would expect 30% of your business. You can go to the back wall and think about it if you like.”
But then Colin raised his gun and, in a broad Suffolk accent, explained: “No, Peter. The business idea is simple, really. You see, this is my gun, and this is my bag. Just put all your money in the f**king bag!”
The show’s Dragons famously have tens of thousands of pounds on the tables next to them, ready to invest in entrepreneurs and their business ideas.
Colin – not believed to be his real name – watched as they nervously tipped all their cash into his bag. Animal lover Deborah Meaden looked down her nose and said: “I hope that’s not a leather bag. I’m out.”
He then turned around, calmly caught the lift downstairs and walked out passed shocked presenter, Evan Davis.
Police spokeswoman Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “We can confirm a man walked onto the Dragon’s Den studio set on the pretence of having a business opportunity.
“But he promptly used his props – a shotgun and a bag – to rob the show’s stars.
“The man has a broad Suffolk accent, is not thought to be called Colin, and is about 6 foot tall with brown hair.”
Dragons Den fake money
A BBC insider insisted the cash that Colin stole was fake money.
“He’ll have a shock when he tries to spend it,” the insider said.
“It’s never nice being the victim of crime, but this should make for excellent TV when it’s aired as part of series 18 next year.”
Excited Brits have all agreed they are looking forward to another general election campaign, the third in just three years.
Throw in the UK referendum vote in 2016, this year’s European elections and multiple local elections, and the electorate have been overwhelmingly spoilt.
Voter Steve Walshe, pictured above, said: “The prospect of yet another general election is so exciting, I can hardly contain myself.
“What makes things so thrilling is that no matter which way any of us vote, no matter what the cause of the day, nothing ever changes.
“As a country, it’s one of our most favourite things to do: vote on something in the expectation that sod all will be done about it.”
With Parliament having already agreed to forget that it agreed to the EU referendum result, and now voting today on whether it agrees with a Government voted in to enact the referendum result, the Government is expected to ignore everything. And call another election.
Government adviser Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It’s quite simple. Parliament will vote and then we will decide whether to hold an election to confirm the result of the last election, which was held after the referendum vote, which itself was a pledge of the election before that.
“Surely everyone understands the logic behind this?
There was widespread anger today as it emerged The Queen had agreed to suspend Prince Andrew.
Opposition MPs were furious that Her Majesty had allowed the Prince to be shut down and not open to further scrutiny over his relationship with shamed Jeffrey Epstein.
Angry person Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “How dare The Queen agree to take away our right to scrutinise her son.
“This is a blatant abuse of democracy.”
However, a pal of the Duke of York explained: “Andrew is innocent but being suspended will mean no more difficult questions can be asked until well into October..”
Australia’s cricket team has revealed it will take no chances when facing the fearsome fast bowling from England’s Jofra Archer.
Batsmen will wear full-body armour to protect them from the type of short ball that struck skipper Steve Smith on the neck in the Second Test at Lords. He batted on but missed the final day’s play with delayed concussion.
Analysts say Archer strikes a batsman in the body or head once every ten overs or so.
Luckily, nobody has been seriously hurt but the latest blow to Smith, who has thankfully made a full recovery and might still play in the Headingly Test, has raised concerns over batsman safety.
Cricket Australia has hinted it could make helmet neck guards – the type that would have protected Smith – compulsory next year.
But in the meantime, team bosses are taking no chances with the new-fangled armoured suits.
Cricket Australia spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Our players will now have no fear of being hurt by Jofra Archer and his fiery deliveries.
“However, we have to admit the protection does make it quite difficult for the batsmen to see anything. And running between the wickets is going to be a little slower, too.
“We also hope it doesn’t rain, or the suits will rust.”
