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Charles Aznavour obituary Haiku

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Charles Aznavour obituary Haiku

Charles Aznavour obituary

It’s been a busy day for the Suffolk Gazette’s resident obituary Haiku writer, Richard Standen. No sooner had he penned his tribute to Rainbow children’s TV star Geoffrey Hayes, than French crooner Charles Aznavour died, aged 94.

Here is the tribute to Monsieur Aznavour, the French Frank Sinatra, who sold more than 100 million records in 80 countries.

“Thanks Charles Aznavour
‘She’ the song we’ll not forget,
your chanson d’amour.”

Charles Aznavour
Born: 2 May, 1924 Paris, France
Died: 1 October 2018 Mouriès, France

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Geoffrey Hayes obituary Haiku

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Geoffrey Hayes obituary Haiku

Rainbow star Geoffrey Hayes

With the sad news that Geoffrey Hayes, the human face of children’s television show Rainbow, has died aged 76, the Suffolk Gazette’s resident obituary Haiku writer Richard Standen offers his tribute.

“Zippy, George, Bungle’s
last wave to Geoffrey. Somewhere
over the Rainbow.”

Rainbow, featuring Zippy, Bungle and George, ran for 25 years, covering 1,000 shows.

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But perhaps the most famous episode was this one, created for fun by the staff one Christmas, and certainly never meant for public viewing. Apologies for the quality!

Geoffrey Hayes
Born: 13 March, 1942, Stockport, Cheshire
Died: 1 October, 2018

World hide and seek champion found dead in wardrobe

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World hide and seek champion found dead in wardrobe

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

World hide and seek champion Darren Hayes has been found dead in a wardrobe, police have confirmed.

Officers say Mr Hayes, 37, disappeared two weeks ago while training for the next world championships.

They say he was practising with members of his family – but he was so good they were unable to find him.

Police spokeswoman Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Officers were called to an address in Haverhill, Suffolk after the discovery of a man’s body in a wardrobe.

“Unfortunately, Darren Hayes lay undiscovered for weeks while training for the hide and seek world championships.

“His family had looked under the bed, behind the curtains and even behind the door, but none of them had thought to check the wardrobe.

“It’s this sort of skill which makes a hide and seek world champion – but unfortunately, it was also the death of him.”

World Hide and seek champion

It is believed that Mr Hayes’ family got bored and stopped looking for him after four hours.

But rather than give himself up, plumber Mr Hayes stayed quietly in the wardrobe for as long as he could.

Tragically be died from dehydration and was only found when his wife, Eleanor went to hang up some shirts.

“It’s awfully sad,” said Mrs Hayes. “But he was so good at hiding that none of us thought to check in the wardrobe.

“But it’s how he would have wanted to go.”

My Hayes also leaves two children – Darren Jr, 10 and eight-year-old Jasmin.

The next Hide and Seek World Championship is due to be held in Bristol next month.

With Mr Hayes, who has won the title for four years in a row, now dead, French hider Pierre L’Escargot is the red-hot favourite to win the title.

Ryder Cup sensation: shouting ‘get in the hole’ does not work

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Ryder Cup sensation: shouting ‘get in the hole’ does not work

By Sandy Driver, Golf Correspondent

Shouting “get in the hole” after a golfer has hit his shot does not actually make the ball go in the hole, it has emerged.

Exclusive research carried out by Suffolk University boffins has confirmed the inane hollering never works.

Fans in France this weekend for the Ryder Cup continue to shout “get in the hole” after every single shot.

Even wayward drives and other miss-hits are followed by idiots in the gallery yelling “get in the hole”.

Even Rory McIlroy’s drives on a par 5 do not ‘get in the hole’ (Photo: TourProGolfClubs CC)
Suffolk University academics were asked to investigate if this behaviour influenced the trajectory of the golf ball.

“No it doesn’t,” confirmed professor of sporting dynamics Dr Lorraine Fisher, 34.

She continued: “The ball will not get in the hole because some half-pissed and over-excited American bloke is shouting at it.

“All the shouting influences is the common-held opinion that many golf fans are complete idiots.”

The news comes just days after golf giant Titleist revealed it had entered a stunning sponsorship deal with Sizewell B nuclear power station.

Norfolk villagers reject ‘sun-guzzling’ solar farm

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Norfolk villagers reject ‘sun-guzzling’ solar farm

Solar farm Norfolk

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

A group of Norfolk villagers scuppered plans for a new solar farm over fears it would “guzzle” all the energy from the sun.

The campaign group, led by brothers Bubba and Billy Bob Spuckler, feared the sky would darken and their turnip crop would fail if the solar farm was launched.

Green energy giant Bootfiful Sunshine Ltd had applied to build a 40-acre plant consisting of 800 panels to power up to 5,000 homes at Downham Market.

But locals were unimpressed, and forced district planners to turn down the proposal.

Bubba Spuckler, 27, who lives on his smallholding with his sister and their eight children, said: “Bootiful Sunshine took us for fools, but we could see through their trickery.

“Using 800 solar panels would guzzle up all the sunshine in these parts. We would not see any sunlight, and without sunlight, our crops would fail. Who would put turnips on people’s plates then?

“I’m not even convinced this electricity thing will take off, but if it does they should open these solar farms in the middle of the sea, or in Scotland where nobody lives.”

A spokesman for Bootful Sunshine said they had tried to educate the local Norfolk population and prove that solar farms do not actually take the sunlight away.

“We offered to drive the Spuckler brothers to see a similar solar farm operation in Suffolk, but they said they had never traveled internationally.”

A spokesman for the planning committee at King’s Lynn and West Norfolk Borough Council said councilors expected a revised solar application within months.

Women across Britain have unexpectedly turned the heating on

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Women across Britain have unexpectedly turned the heating on

Britain keeps the heating on

Britain’s women have seized the initiative and unexpectedly turned on the central heating, it has emerged.

The annual household battle for control of the thermostat is normally waged across Britain in October.

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But chilly weather this weekend has seen women sneakily switching on the heating before men had even got out of bed.

Lorriane Fisher, 34, a woman, said: “It’s absolutely freezing, so I’ve put the heating on. Only on a low setting, obviously.

“My husband tried to turn it off again, mumbling something about the bills.

“But I turned it back on again, mumbling something about no dinner.”

Weather experts say the cold snap will only last a day or so before temperatures rise again.

It’s expected to hit 21 degrees on Thursday when everyone will be remarking about how hot it is.

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The news comes after it emerged that the world’s coldest woman lives in Ipswich.

Chas Hodges obituary Haiku

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Chas Hodges obituary Haiku

Chas and Dave obituary

Cockney duo Chas and Dave were firm favourites for more than 40 years. Their cheeky brand of music entertained millions. Chas Hodges passed away yesterday, aged 74. Here, the Suffolk Gazette’s resident obituary Haiku writer, Richard Standen, offers his unique tribute.

Cockney Chas, brown bread
Dave, me ol’ china, Jack Jones.
Aunt Joanna fades.

I expect some of our Norfolk readers may not understand Cockney rhyming slang, seeing as normal English presents issues for them. So, Richard has kindly offered a second version, just for them.

Cockney Chas, is dead
Dave, his old mate, all alone.
The piano fades.

Chas Hodges
Born: 28 December, 1943, Edmonton, Middlesex
Died: 22 September, 2018, London

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No fitting tribute would be complete without listening to the below.

It’s been a busy week for obituary Haiku writer Richard Standen, who has already penned tributes to Ipswich Town legend Kevin Beattie and TV presenter Denis Norden.

Norfolk yacht race to the horizon ends in disaster

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Norfolk yacht race to the horizon ends in disaster

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Twenty yachts have gone missing after Norfolk’s first ‘Race To The Horizon’ event ended in disaster.

There are now fears for more than 50 crew members who could be anywhere in the North Sea.

The race was launched with much publicity last week.

But once the boats set off from Wells-next-the-Sea they just kept going, and nothing has been seen of them since.

race to the horizon

Missing: Bubba Spuckler’s boat is probably somewhere near Norway
Race organiser Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Everyone expected the boats to reach the horizon in around three miles and come back again.

“It should only have taken an experienced skipper a few hours in decent wind conditions.

“But we watched aghast as, one by one, each boat disappeared over the horizon, never to be seen again.”

When asked why the crews had not been contacted by radio to be told of their mistake, Ms Fisher, 34, gave a worrying reply.

“What’s a radio?”

The Royal Yachting Association, Britain’s governing body, is now investigating how Norfolk was given permission to race.

“Modern navigation and understanding that the world is round have not reached Norfolk yet. That’s why boating there is usually restricted to the Norfolk Broads.”

One of the yacht skippers, Bubba Spuckler from Downham Market, told relatives he had been looking forward to the race to the horizon but would be taking it carefully because he didn’t want his boat to fall off the end of the world.

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