Friday, July 4, 2025
Home Blog Page 301

World wonders who will win Russian election

The Editor
-
0
World wonders who will win Russian election

The world was incredibly excited today to see who will win the most open Russian Presidential election in years.

With voters across Russia going to the polls today, political experts say it is anyone’s guess who will win power in the Kremlin.

[AdSense-A]

One of the candidates, a Mr Vladimir Putin, has found success at many recent elections, but no-one knows for sure if he might win again.

Russian affairs expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Suffolk, said: “It’s all very exciting.

“Never before has any country seen such an open race for a key election.

“Mr Putin must be really worried that he might lose his grip on power.”

[AdSense-B]

Other front-runners in the election, which takes quite some time because there are so many time zones in Russia, have strangely not had much exposure.

In fact, the Suffolk Gazette is unable to name any of them, despite doing some in-depth research.

“Some people think Mr Putin might win a landslide for a historic fourth time, especially as his main ‘opponent’ has been banned from standing.

“But nothing is clear-cut in politics. We could be in for a surprise.”

There are some suggestions that election poll station monitors working for opponents have been barred from some polling stations.

But there is nothing sinister in that, we are told.

* * * * * *

[wysija_form id=”1″]

Click here to support the Suffolk Gazette Beer Fund!
[olimometer id=1]

Join our witty Suffolk Gazette Facebook page community.

Arsenal given new kit for Moscow cup match

The Editor
-
0
Arsenal given new kit for Moscow cup match

Arsenal away kit for CSKA Moscow

Arsenal players have been handed a new away kit after being drawn against CSKA Moscow in the quarter-final stage of the UEFA Europa League.

The squad have been handed the new kit for what is expected to be a toxic atmosphere at the Russian leg of the tense tie.

Already several players, including Aaron Ramsey and Mesut Özil, seen testing the new kit above, have complained they cannot get about the pitch quickly.

[AdSense-A]

An insider at the Emirates Stadium in North London said: “The quarter-final draw threw up an interesting encounter with the Russians.

“Our fans will be looking forward to the away leg – the locals are bound to give them a warm welcome.

“We just have to hold our nerve.”

The atmosphere at the CSKA Stadium could get poisonous, but Arsenal fans have been advised to be friendly while not accepting any tea from the locals.

Meanwhile, Arsenal say they will extend a warm welcome to the Russians for the home leg of the crunch tie.

[AdSense-B]

“The Government may be busy throwing the Russians out of the country, but we will welcome them to our ground.

“But their supporters will be kept inside a huge chemical tent, just in case.”

Meanwhile, authorities in Moscow say they do not spy any difficulties with the match.

A Kremlin official said: “There is no problem. All are welcome, just as they will be to our fantastic World Cup this summer.”

There will be one obvious problem for Arsenal fans hoping to travel to the away leg – all the plane seats will be taken by expelled Russian diplomats.

* * * * * *

[wysija_form id=”1″]

Click here to support the Suffolk Gazette Beer Fund!
[olimometer id=1]

Join our witty Suffolk Gazette Facebook page community.

Muslim cleric invited to be next Archbishop of Canterbury

The Editor
-
0
Muslim cleric invited to be next Archbishop of Canterbury

Muslim archbishop

The next Archbishop of Canterbury is likely to be a Muslim after the Church of England decided to relax the job requirements.

In an announcement timed to coincide with Easter later this month, the General Synod will say it wants the church to be more inclusive.

As a result, Islamic clerics will be entitled to apply for the top job when the current Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, steps down.

But the move us sure to upset many purists in the Church of England, who will see it as a “cheap publicity stunt”.

Suffolk campaigner, the Rev Evan Elpuss has long argued that archbishops should really have to be members of the Church of England.

The vicar from Aldeburgh explained: “We have nothing against Islam, or Muslims in general. In fact, we are all for reaching out and working together for the common good.

“However, it’s ridiculous to allow an Islamic cleric to apply to become the Archbishop of Canterbury, the very top job in the Church of England.

“Anyone with half a brain knows this means a Muslim will get the job, otherwise the church would be accused of fashioning a cheap publicity stunt.”

Fellow local Church of England activist, rector Neil Cushion said he was also furious that the General Synod, the church’s ruling body, has chosen to make the huge policy change at Easter.

“Easter is a huge moment in the Church of England calendar, like Christmas,” he fumed.

“It’s simply unreasonable to expect us to welcome someone from another religion into the Archbishop of Canterbury role.

“A Muslim archbishop? Can you imagine the furore if a Church of England vicar from Norfolk was made a leading Imam?”

Islamic groups welcomed the Church of England reaching out to them.

“It is a very wise and generous gesture, and we expect many of our brothers will want to apply to be the next Archbishop of Canterbury,” a local Muslim expert said.

The General Synod refused to comment ahead of the big Easter announcement.

Lowestoft time zone moves forward one hour

The Editor
-
0
Lowestoft time zone moves forward one hour

Lowestoft is so far east that the time zone there is being brought forward one hour to compensate, it has emerged.

Town residents have been given just ten days notice about the disruptive change, which will undoubtedly create much confusion.

Britain’s most easterly point, Lowestoft gets the sun much earlier in the day and is plunged into darkness while the rest of the country is still out and about.

Experts say this might explain some of the odd behaviour of the town’s residents, who appear to have little in common with the rest of Suffolk.

Now the Government has bowed to local farmers’ pressure and agreed that clocks in the town will move forward one hour on Sunday March 25.

Then townsfolk will see a more natural spread of daylight over the day, and the switch will bring Lowestoft in line with much of Europe to the east.

But some business users are angry that they have not been given enough time to prepare for the change.

For example, Greater Anglia is trying to get its head around the concept that a train leaving Lowestoft will effectively arrive in Ipswich at the same time.

And tourist operators in the seaside resort, which is bidding for the 2021 UK City of Culture, fear day trippers will be unaware of the switch and miss out on an hour of glorious sunshine on the golden beaches.

Seafront ice cream kiosk owner Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “This will cause chaos. When someone says to a friend, ‘Come and meet me in Lowestoft at 11am’ they will miss each other, and then they may fall out.

“Plus some local people might not be aware of the change – ten days is not enough notice for something this big.

“Kids will be late for school, the rush-hour will be all over the place and we will have to get used to watching the ten o’clock news at 11pm, which is far too late for a lot of old people.”

The town made the national news last year when The Queen offered to give Lowestoft to Spain in order to keep Gibraltar.

Norfolk people told to wash occasionally

The Editor
-
0
Norfolk people told to wash occasionally

Norfolk people urged to wash

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

The people of Norfolk have been advised that it might be a good idea to have an occasional wash.

Public health experts say it is no longer acceptable for them to be so filthy.

Cases of disease and festering sores are on the rise in the remote county, with fears that infections could cross the border into Suffolk.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, a spokesperson for Public Health England, said: “It’s a matter of education, really.

“Norfolk people are not used to body cleanliness.

“Working out in the bogs and marshes is dirty work, and they certainly do not have bathrooms.

“To be honest, once they get home to their sisters at night, the men folk have more on their mind than scrubbing up.”

Traditionally, the people of Norfolk have an annual community shower day.

Dirty Norfolk

A cattle trough full of water is set up on the village green every May Day, and villagers, high on cider and weird berries, take it in turns to jump in and scrub the year’s filth of their bodies.

Dr Neville Carragher, from Norwich Hospital, said: “This tradition unfortunately does more harm than good, because after the first couple of people have washed in it, the water trough is disgusting.

“By the time several hundred of them have sloshed about, it is an infectious pit of everything horrible known to man.”

Away supporters who travel to Norwich City’s Carrow Road ‘stadium’ will be relieved if locals start taking more care of themselves.

Ipswich fan Steve Walshe said: “It absolutely stinks up there in Norfolk.

“If you pass one or two in the street it is not so bad because the wind might be in the opposite direction.

“But when you get thousands of them crowded together under one roof, you can see this acrid, shimmering cloud rising up to the rafters.

“The Russians could start harvesting it – it would be far more deadly than any nerve agent.”

Noddy sues council over car’s pothole damage

The Editor
-
0
Noddy sues council over car’s pothole damage

Noddy the taxi driver

Busy local businessman Noddy has been forced to take legal action after his car was damaged by a pothole.

The hat-wearing taxi driver is seeking damages from Toyland Council to repair the suspension on his car.

[AdSense-A]

Noddy said he was driving down Toyland High Street when his left wheel hit the pothole, causing £1,500 of damage.

“The state of the roads is shocking,” he wrote in a letter supporting his claim.

“I drive a taxi and everyone says they are fed up. My friend Big Ears says it is the worst he has seen in his lifetime.”

The car damage has been a further blow to Noddy, who is already suffering from the cheap competition from Uber, which nearly put him out of business last year.

[AdSense-B]

“It’s one thing after another,” he said.

“How am I meant to make a living with my car stuck in a garage getting repaired?

“Toyland Council will hopefully pay me some compensation soon so I can get back to work.”

A spokesman for the council said: “We can confirm we have received a compensation claim from a Mr Noddy, of Toyland.

“We will investigate as soon as possible, but would stress paying out compensation for pothole damage means we have less money to spend on repairing potholes.”

* * * * * *

[wysija_form id=”1″]

Click here to support the Suffolk Gazette Beer Fund!
[olimometer id=1]

Join our witty Suffolk Gazette Facebook page community.

International Men’s Day set for November 19

The Editor
-
0
International Men’s Day set for November 19

International Men's Day

Following International Women’s Day, a special men’s day is being planned for them to get their own back.

Many men tweeted on the women’s equality day: “So much for that… when is International Men’s Day?”

Elderly comedian Richard Herring reminded them that it is on November 19, so groups need to start organising

Suffolk Men’s Liberation Society has pencilled the day in for events around the county.

A spokesman said last night: “The highlight of the day will be the Ipswich Loading The Dishwasher Disco, a light-hearted way of bringing awareness to men having their own way at putting the crockery and knives in the machine without women tutting and storming off in a huff.

“Stowmarket will feature a Parallel Parking Parade, while Needham will stage the Women Must Put The Bins Out rally.

“Back at Ipswich in the evening there will be a men’s football tournament at Portman Road with a special pre-match lecture on the offside rule.

“Men feel that in this day and age, they should have equal rights with women, whether in the home, the workplace, in sport, down the pub, and in pursuits like beard and moustache-growing.

Richard Herring, who is touring the country at different venues from his ex-Lee and Herring comedy partner, Stewart Lee, said: “I do my bit to promote men’s day and I’m glad Suffolk is getting behind it.

“Men are edging their way to equality every day but there is still a long way to go before men feel comfortable on a Spa Day.”

The news follows our revelation yesterday that a man had remarked an International Women’s Day banner needed ironing.

You’ll never need to mow the lawn again

The Editor
-
2
You’ll never need to mow the lawn again

You won't have to mow the lawn

A Suffolk company has invented a type of grass that never needs to be cut, it has emerged.

Gardeners will be delighted to ditch their lawnmowers as the special seed formula ensures each blade never reaches more than an inch in height.

Instead it stops growing, leaving a beautiful, uniform finish across the garden.

Weekends will never be the same again as householders will no longer have to huff and puff with an expensive lawnmower, or worry about what to do with the grass cuttings.

But there is one downside to the wonder grass – lawnmower manufacturers and retailers will have to brace themselves for a huge downturn in business.

The new seeds were developed by InchPerfect Grass Ltd of Lavenham, in a secret testing facility behind one of the village’s chocolate-box houses.

InchPerfect is now being stocked in bags at all good garden centres and DIY stores. A £15.99 bag should be enough for lawns of up to one quarter of an acre.

The seed kills off the existing grass, which now grows alarmingly fast for around ten months of the year, and then grows itself – to just one inch.

Managing Director Lorraine Fisher, 34, revealed: “We’ve spent years developing the grass and it works a treat.

“However, we have to proceed carefully to ensure the grass seed does not cross-contaminate nearby farmers’ fields, because there’s every chance none of their crops would grow above an inch in height – and no-one likes a stubby carrot.”

She said InchPerfect grass was the perfect natural alternative to the awful artificial grass used by some lazy people – or those who get hayfever.

1...300301302...391Page 301 of 391

Just In

Sport

Business

Features

Contact us