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First British jet since Brexit, the Squitfire faces ridicule

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First British jet since Brexit, the Squitfire faces ridicule

Squitfire jet fighter

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

Buyers at an international arms fair were unimpressed with the first jet fighter Britain has produced after Brexit.

The event in Jordan, attended by representatives of countries looking to invest billions in their defences, showcased Britain’s entry in the aircraft section.

Dubbed the Squitfire, the jet is all Britain’s beleaguered defence industry can afford.

It can boast speeds of up to 75mph and reach heights of 45 feet before the pilot begins to black out from the effort of pedalling.

But what makes it a laughing-stock is the fact that firepower is limited to the pistol kept in a cockpit pouch.

When up against the US Air Force F-16, or the Eurofighter Typhoon (top speed 1,550mph), the Squitfire is a sad reflection of modern-day Britain.

Defence expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Britain’s entry into the Jordan Arms Fair was embarrassing. The Squitfire is like something out of Dad’s Army and has no place in a modern air force.”

Norfolk-based defence manufacturer Colmans BAE is behind the Squitfire, the same company behind the equally useless Gentle Breeze fighter jet, which also flopped at an arms fair last year.

Unbelievably, Colmans BAE, which is based at Downham Market, was also behind the Raleigh Tank, which flopped when even the British Army refused to buy it.

A spokesman said: “I am afraid that post Brexit we cannot hope to compete with the Europeans and their Eurofighter.

“Our plane may not have all the bells and whistles, but it can fly, and that’s something to celebrate.”

An insider at the Ministry of Defence said: “People need to stop running Britain down.

“We have a fine tradition of building brilliant planes, ships and tanks for our armed forces, and nothing is changing after Brexit.

“It may look a little rough around the edges, but the Squitfire has some endearing qualities. I’ll be sure to let you know when I’ve found them.”

‘Missing’ Melania Trump was holidaying in Suffolk caravan

The Editor
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‘Missing’ Melania Trump was holidaying in Suffolk caravan

Melania Trump in Suffolk

WORLD EXCLUSIVE
First Lady Melania Trump was not ‘missing’ for 24 days – she was enjoying a secret holiday in a caravan on the Suffolk coast.

Mrs Trump had undergone a minor operation in Washington and needed somewhere quiet to recuperate, away from prying eyes.

And President Donald Trump, aware that his new friend, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un has a Suffolk caravan, thought it would build bridges if his beautiful wife did the same.

Melania spent 15 nights in an unassuming Hulse Ross static caravan at the site near Sizewell, overlooking the North Sea.

The holiday home has two bedrooms, a kitchenette and even boasts in indoor loo and shower.

Fellow holidaymakers, including families with young children enjoying the half-term holiday, had no idea about the world-famous guest on the site.

Armed secret service personnel hired the caravan on either side of Mrs Trump’s to ensure her safety.

She spent many days happily exploring the Suffolk coastal path, and walked as far south as posh Aldeburgh, and ventured north all the way to Dunwich, where she enjoyed sampling a pint of Adnams beer at the Ship Inn.

Mrs Trump was spotted in Aldeburgh, browsing the book shop, by a Suffolk Gazette reader.

But we agreed to keep her visit a secret until she was safely back in the United States.

She refused an interview, but as a thank you for respecting her privacy, Mrs Trump issued us with this statement.

“I enjoyed my time in Suffolk very much. The people are much friendlier than in Washington. I had fish and chips, walked on the beach, and thought the area was lovely. It was an experience staying in one of your caravans, and I even thought the nearby town of Leiston was interesting.”

Mrs Trump made her first public appearance in America for 24 days yesterday, attending a meeting at the Federal Emergency Management Agency headquarters in Washington for a briefing to discuss preparedness ahead of the 2018 hurricane season.

Mr Trump told pressmen and repeated on Twitter that there had been nothing suspicious about his wife’s absence for so long, blaming it on her benign kidney condition.

He made no mention of her exciting trip to stay in her Suffolk caravan park.

The park’s owners refused to discuss their VIP visitor, or disclose if she had paid full price for her stay.

Study to reveal why Cromer people walk sideways

The Editor
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Study to reveal why Cromer people walk sideways

Cromer

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

The mystery of why people from Cromer walk sideways could be solved by a major university-funded study.

East Anglia University is hoping to solve the riddle, which has perplexed experts and visitors to Norfolk for hundreds of years.

Tourists at the North Norfolk resort, famous for its pier and crabbing competitions, find it hilarious that locals shuffle sideways rather than walk in a straight line like everyone else.

The university’s head of human behavioural sciences, Dr Lorraine Fisher, 34, said her department had received a “substantial grant” from a leading player in the genetics industry.

“This money will mean our team of academics and students can visit Cromer and begin a series of interviews and tests on the locals.

“There is quite clearly an oddity in their DNA that causes this sideways walking.

“While it is comical to those witnessing it for the first time, it does have many drawbacks.

“For example, it takes them twice as long to get anywhere, and if a resident has bad eyesight in one eye, they will often bump into things.”

Dr Fisher added: “This can lead to a few upsets and local people can be quite crabby.”

Local Bubba Spuckler was not happy about the study.

“Why can’t these people just leave us alone. We’re not circus freaks,” he said.

Visitor Jonny Brampton said: “I couldn’t believe it when I first saw all the local wandering about like that. But you soon get used to them.”

Pavements in Cromer were replaced by sidewalks many years ago.

The news comes just days after the Suffolk Gazette revealed Norfolk’s prolific six-fingered spin bowler was being investigated by cricket’s ruling body, the ECB.

Greater Anglia introduces newfangled steam trains

The Editor
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Greater Anglia introduces newfangled steam trains

greater anglia train

By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

Greater Anglia has pre-empted any Government-enforced timetable changes by upgrading its locos in Norfolk and Suffolk to steam trains.

Eight of these smart new steam trains have been purchased to drag its passenger services into the modern age.

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Railway bosses hope the sleek new coal-guzzling locomotives, which can reach dizzying top speeds of 65mph, will persuade the Government not to impose timetable changes like it has elsewhere in Britain.

Hard-pressed passengers, including thousands of regular commuters into London, have been calling for rolling stock upgrades for years.

Steam trains

But many say the new steam trains are not the answer.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, who commutes from Ipswich to the capital five days a week, said: “These newfangled trains will change nothing.

“There will still be delays, cancellations because staff are not available, leaves on the line, the wrong kind of rain – all the usual excuses.”

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Insiders at Greater Anglia say the new trains will head off any Government pressure to change timetables in order to improve journey times.

That has prompted chaos on other lines run by Northern Rail, Thameslink and Southern, among others.

“We have brought the Greater Anglia fleet into the modern age with these steam trains.

“Next we will be adding updated carriages behind the locomotive, to include modern conveniences such as windows and seats.”

Greater Anglia has suffered from delays to many of its services for years, but it manages to introduce its annual ticket increases bang on time every year.

Toymaker Hornby has been so impressed with the rail firm that it introduced a Greater Anglia rail replacement bus set to its range.

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Six-fingered Norfolk spin bowler probed by cricket chiefs

The Editor
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Six-fingered Norfolk spin bowler probed by cricket chiefs

Spin bowler

Cricket’s ruling body is investigating a six-fingered Norfolk spin bowler who is breaking records with his extraordinary technique.

Bubba Spuckler, 37, uses his extra finger to generate astonishing spin on the ball, bamboozling batsmen who never quite know which way it is going to turn.

Spuckler has been tearing up the Norfolk Cricket League this season, taking an incredible 72 wickets for his side Downham Market in just nine games – at an average of just 8.2 runs per wicket.

But opposition teams have complained that his extra-fingered skills might be illegal, or at the very least be against the spirit of the game.

Now the England and Wales Cricket Board (ECB) has launched an inquiry.

Spin bowler

Officials have been sent videos of Spuckler’s six-fingered bowling technique, and will study the tapes before interviewing him.

Spuckler, who runs a smallholding growing turnips with his sister and their eight children, may have to travel to London for the face-to-face showdown.

ECB spokeswoman Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Strictly speaking there is nothing in the rules of the game that caters for bowlers with six fingers.

“We realise this has been an issue in Norfolk for generations, but it is the first time teams have made an official complaint.

“Of course, if Mr Spuckler was a rubbish bowler, we would never have heard anything about it.”

It is unclear what punishment might be served if it is found Spuckler had spun his way into trouble, but he might be banned from bowling altogether.

His club captain, Mike Mayhew said: “He’a rubbish batsman, so he would likely be dropped from the team.

“But we hope it doesn’t come to that. His spin bowling is bewitching – he can generate vicious off-spin or leg-spin, and even our wicket keeper can’t read him.”

Had he taken up the game when he was younger, experts say he would have represented his county – and could possibly have made the England team.

Meanwhile, there is still no sign of the Norfolk man who got lost on his spin bike.

Man discovers baths are getting smaller but still cost the same

The Editor
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Man discovers baths are getting smaller but still cost the same

Baths smaller

A Suffolk man is furious after making the extraordinary discovery that baths are getting smaller.

Steve Walshe, 42, from Woodbridge, says the news is another example of greedy businesses increasing profits by downsizing without telling consumers.

He revealed: “When I was a kid, the bath was huge and I used to be able to stretch out and immerse myself underwater.

“Nowadays I need to sit up, and if I try to lie back my legs have to go on top of the tub, next to the taps.

“This is a disgrace, because bath makers are simply making them smaller to save money on materials, hoping we would not notice.

“They are rinsing us for profit.”

The row follows revelations that some confectionery items, including Toblerone, the legendary Swiss chocolate treat, may have reduced in size on the quiet while still costing the same price.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, of the British Bathtub Makers Association, denied that baths were getting any smaller.

She said: “They have always been the same size, and always will.

“It seems Mr Walshe has ignored the fact it is he who has got bigger, not the bath that has got smaller.”

Consumer expert Nick Haugh added: “Mr Walshe might also be noticing that policemen are getting younger.”

The Suffolk Gazette has previously reported how supermodel Claudia Schiffer baths in Adnams beer to keep her skin looking young, and how a man drowned in a bathtub full of baked beans during a charity challenge.

Brothers threw whole horse in horseshoe-throwing contest, court hears

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Brothers threw whole horse in horseshoe-throwing contest, court hears

Horse

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Two regulars from a Norfolk pub have been fined after a throwing a whole horse during a traditional horseshoe-throwing tournament.

The brothers hadn’t fully grasped what horseshoe throwing involved, and repeatedly threw the stunned animal across the pub car park.

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Norwich magistrates heard Gary and Bryan Spuckler entered a team into the Norwich and District Horseshoe Throwing Contest at the Cock and Pye Inn outside Wroxham.

But instead of turning up to the event with two gleaming iron horseshoes, used traditionally to throw nearest to a stake, they brought a horse they had borrowed from a family friend.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, prosecuting at Norwich Magistrates Court, said the brothers were charged with animal cruelty.

Horseshoe throwing

She told magistrates: “When it was their turn to play, other teams watched in horror as they picked up the horse and threw it across the car park to the target area.

“Everyone began shouting at them, but they misunderstood, thinking they must have thrown the animal from the wrong place.

“So while the stunned horse dusted itself down, the pair turned around and did it again.”

Ms Fisher said the horse, a ten-year-old chestnut called Delia, suffered cuts and bruises, but had escaped serious injury.

But the horseshoe landing pit and stakes were flattened beyond repair, and the annual competition had to be called off, with all the teams, from pubs across Norfolk, retiring to the bar.

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Alan Partridge, defending the Spucklers, told magistrates they were deeply sorry for what they had done.

“It was an innocent mistake,” Mr Partridge said. “They had not read the rules of horseshoe throwing and got it terribly wrong.

“This is a traditional country pass-time, played in rural pub car parks for generations, and the Spucklers were keen to give it a go.

“In hindsight, they would have been better to have gone along simply to watch.”

Gary, 44, and Bryan Spuckler, 48, both painters and decorators, admitted cruelty to a horse, and were each fined £250 and ordered to pay compensation to the Cock and Pye landlord, Mr Don Lightfoot.

He had written to the court, claiming £35 damages to his horseshoe throwing pit in the pub car park.

Martin Wyard, a spokesman for the National Horseshoe Pitchers Association, said he had never heard of contestants throwing a whole horse before.

“We didn’t think anyone could be so stupid,” he said.

Delia, meanwhile, has fully recovered from her ordeal and is enjoying being put out to grass on a field in Carrow Road, Norwich.

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Football shame grows as Arsenal display huge gun

The Editor
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Football shame grows as Arsenal display huge gun

Arsenal cannon

The row over England footballer Raheem Sterling’s gun tattoo intensified today when it emerged Arsenal display a more menacing weapon.

Now there are calls for the London club to be thrown out of the Premier League for inciting violence.

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Manchester City striker Sterling faced demands to be dropped from the World Cup after sharing a photograph of the gun tattoo down his right calf.

He claimed the inking was simply in memory of his father, who was shot dead in Jamaica when Sterling was just two.

But still everyone got very cross and took to newspapers and social media to say how disgusted they were that a public figure, who young people looked up to, could promote guns in such a way.

Now it has emerged that Arsenal has been showing off its huge weapon for years, a massive cannon that could do lots more damage than the single assault rifle on Sterling’s leg.

Snowflake Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “This is an absolute disgrace.

“There is way too much gun crime in London, and here we have a famous London football club shamelessly displaying its huge gun.

“Young people going to watch games will be influenced by this, and find their own cannon.

“Before you know it, the streets around Islington will be like something from the Battle of Gettysburg.

“I demand that Arsenal be thrown out of the Premier League, as well as West Ham because hammers are dangerous, too.”

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Meanwhile, more shocking news was emerging from the world of football.

As knife crime continues to soar, it has been revealed Sheffield United show off two huge machetes on their shirts.

And London minnows Dagenham and Redbridge have two daggers – a sure way of turning impressionable young supporters into knife-wielding maniacs.

Youth crime expert Steve Walshe said the Football Association should launch an immediate inquiry.

He said: “Everyone was getting upset about Raheem Sterling’s tattoo, but your report has clearly highlighted the problem in football is worse than we thought, with top clubs encouraging people to be killers.”

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