Sunday, June 22, 2025
Home Blog Page 290

Thai cave rescue team to help Theresa May out of huge hole

The Editor
-
0
Thai cave rescue team to help Theresa May out of huge hole

Thai rescuers

Thailand’s heroic cave rescue team is flying to Britain today to help the Prime Minister out of a huge hole, it has emerged.

Theresa May got into the hole last week and has been sinking deeper by the day.

[AdSense-A]

It is feared she could be trapped for ever by a rising tide of cock-ups and Brexit fuckwittery.

The departure of Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson gave a glimmer of hope that she’d emerge from the hole in one piece.

But then she appointed Jeremy Hunt as his replacement.

Now she is so far into the hole that even Donald Trump admits Britain is in all sorts of trouble.

Alarmed Downing Street officials decided the only solution was to bring over the Thailand cave rescue team.

Spokeswoman Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “As soon as they had finished rescuing that football team and their coach from the cave complex, we were on the phone.

“If they could pull off that amazing rescue maybe, just maybe, they could drag Theresa May out of this massive hole she has got herself into.”

[AdSense-B]

The rescue team lands at Heathrow this afternoon and will get straight to work.

It is expected they’ll use all sorts of equipment and risk lives to go deep into the hole where the Prime Minister has been languishing for days with no outside help.

The astonishing event is quickly turning into something of a media circus, with even US President Donald Trump coming over to take a look at Mrs May in her hole this week.

Gareth Southgate could have helped Mrs May from her hole but he is busy working in Russia.

* * * * *

Click here to support the Suffolk Gazette Beer Fund!
[olimometer id=1]

Gareth Southgate wins British Grand Prix

The Editor
-
0
Gareth Southgate wins British Grand Prix

Gareth Southgate wins British Grand Prix

Gareth Southgate won the British Grand Prix after a stellar drive at Silverstone today.

The English sporting hero started on pole position and never looked back, finishing a record-breaking four laps ahead of the rest of the field.

Fellow Brit Lewis Hamilton was runner-up, but German driver Sebastian Vettel was unfortunately forced to retire early.

[AdSense-A]

The win was a remarkable won for Southgate, who has also made it through to the fourth round of the Wimbledon men’s singles championship.

Later today he leads England in their decisive T20 cricket match against India.

The news comes just hours after Sir Gareth of Southgate masterminded England’s progress to a World Cup semi-final for the first time in 28 years.

Sporting expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It turns out Gareth Southgate can do absolutely anything, whether that’s turning around England’s footballing fortunes, or winning a Formula One race.

“It seems the man can do no wrong.”

[AdSense-B]

The enormous crowds at Silverstone cheered Southgate every step of the way after he powered his Mercedes, unfortunately a German vehicle, around the track.

“It’s coming home,” said motor racing fan Steve Walshe, from Woodbridge in Suffolk.

* * * * *

Click here to support the Suffolk Gazette Beer Fund!
[olimometer id=1]

Eaten rhino poacher shrieked ‘three lions on my shirt’

The Editor
-
0
Eaten rhino poacher shrieked ‘three lions on my shirt’

three lions on my shirt

Football fever spread to the African bush this week when a rhino poacher shrieked: “Three Lions on my shirt!” as he was torn to pieces.

The utter scum got exactly what he deserved while trying to kill endangered rhinos for their horn.

As the pride of lions devoured him, the poacher’s last words resonated across South Africa.

Game reserve expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Happily, he was the one person who did indeed have three lions on his shirt this week.

“It’s called karma.”

Weedy asthmatics ‘most likely to win professional cycling events’

The Editor
-
0
Weedy asthmatics ‘most likely to win professional cycling events’

By Bernie Legg, Cycling Correspondent

Weedy asthmatics and allergy sufferers are most likely to win the punishing Tour de France, it has been confirmed.

Far from being a hindrance, not being able to breathe properly is just what is needed to excel in the showpiece endurance cycling event, which starts this weekend.

Wheezing, sneezing and coughing on your bike will help propel you fastest for hundreds of miles a day – and up huge mountains in the Alps quicker than seemingly fit athletes, a new report reveals.

[AdSense-A]

The study, released today by a House of Commons Select committee, confirms the link between being sickly and success at professional cycling is too strong to ignore.

MP Lorraine Fisher, 34, who headed the study, said: “We all remember the weedy, sickly kids at school who couldn’t breathe after walking up the stairs.

“And then there were those who began sneezing the moment the sun came out, or as soon as they went within half a mile of a meadow.

“And we recall at the time that they were not terribly good at sport, and were always last to be picked.

“But our study has found that for some reason many of them have become champions at professional cycling.”

[AdSense-B]

It is not known why people with terrible asthma or allergy problems are so good at what is widely regarded as one of the most physically demanding sports in the world.

But one theory is that the puffer inhalers and other medications that they use for their debilitating conditions make them go faster than anyone else.

Cycling expert Steve Walshe explained: “Cycling has to improve its image and is therefore absolutely clamping down on the drugs cheats.

“This means that even people who can’t breathe properly can compete with the best in the sport and win astonishing endurance events like the Tour de France.”

The Suffolk Gazette reached out to famous asthma patients and previous Tour de France winners Sir Bradley Wiggins and Chris Froome for comment, but has so far had no response.

Meanwhile, Team Sky’s Froome got a frosty reception at the Tour’s presentation launch yesterday, just days after his anti-doping case was dropped.

* * * * * *

Click here to support the Suffolk Gazette Beer Fund!
[olimometer id=1]

It’s a wildflower garden, insists man too lazy to cut grass

The Editor
-
0
It’s a wildflower garden, insists man too lazy to cut grass

Wildflower garden

A Suffolk man who hasn’t bothered to cut his grass for weeks insists he’s growing a wildflower garden.

Steve Walshe, 38, from Woodbridge, said his garden had become a haven for local wildlife.

But girlfriend Lorraine Fisher, 34, claims he’s simply a lazy so-and-so who can’t be arsed to do even the simplest of jobs.

“He’s been watching the World Cup on television, and now Wimbledon has started as well.

“Any excuse to get out of mowing the lawn – it’s in a terrible state.”

Postman Steve said Lorraine simply did not understand how difficult it was to create an environmentally sensitive haven for important things like bees.

“She bangs on about the mower collecting cobwebs in the shed but doesn’t give nature a second thought.

“In fact, I’m beginning to think she’s extremely selfish.”

He reckons it will take all of the summer for his wildflower garden to truly flourish in his back garden, as well as the space at the front.

There are mainly yellow flowers all over the place right now.

“I don’t know what they are, but they’re very pretty,” he said.

Gardening expert Mark Robson said: “Recent hot weather and the football has created an unprecedented interest in wildflower gardens.

“Mr Walshe should be applauded for his efforts.

“As for Lorraine Fisher, 34, well as long as she can still find her way to the washing line, what’s she got to complain about?”

The Suffolk Gazette revealed yesterday how Scotland had turned to dust and been replaced by the sea owing to record high temperatures.

And as the heatwave continues, more Brits are snapping up the new Wifi operated barbecues.

Heatwave Scotland turned to dust, disappears under sea

The Editor
-
0
Heatwave Scotland turned to dust, disappears under sea

Scotland heatwave

Scotland has turned to dust and been reclaimed by the sea during record high temperatures, it has emerged.

The famously chilly nation was unable to cope with the heatwave and began crumbling into pieces last Wednesday.

Motherwell then disappeared completely on Thursday after record high temperatures of 33.2 degrees were recorded.

Then the rest of the nation turned to dust and was reclaimed by the North Sea to the east and the Atlantic to the west.

Now all that can be seen north of Hadrian’s Wall is water.

It is not known what has happened to the 5.3 million Scots, but it is feared their ginger-haired, pale complexions stood no chance in the heat.

Rescue services over the English border in Northumberland sent coastguard vessels to patrol over what was once Edinburgh and Glasgow.

But no survivors were found.

“We hope some managed to stumble south and have sought refuge with relatives before melting,” said coastguard spokeswoman Lorraine Fisher, 34.

Those worried about Scottish friends and relatives are urged to contact support at the Find Your Jock Helpline.

Weather experts said while the unprecedented heatwave was being welcomed in England, it was a natural disaster for Scotland.

Suffolk Gazette weather correspondent Gale Fawcett said: “The temperature in Scotland rarely got above double figures.

“So you can imagine the panic as the temperature gauge topped 20, 25 and then even 30 degrees.

“First cracks appeared in the ground, then the earth started breaking up.

“As the sun continued to bake it, the soil turned to dust and disappeared in the light breeze.

“Then the sea simply enveloped what was once Aberdeen and spread over the rest of the nation.”

Steve Walshe, 34, from Woodbridge in Suffolk was furious about the news.

“I’d booked a holiday in Fife and now I can’t go. If I wanted a boating holiday I could have gone to the Suffolk coast.”

But he added: “At least we won’t be hearing from Nicola Sturgeon again.”

Meanwhile, it is still recommended that ginger English people remain out of the sun this week.

Fans of lesser nations revel at chance to receive a thrashing in World Cup final

The Editor
-
0
Fans of lesser nations revel at chance to receive a thrashing in World Cup final

As the World Cup 2018 in Russia continues to gather pace, those who support the lesser lights of the tournament have suddenly started to become very excited indeed at the prospect of the team they support reaching the final, contrary to the picture painted by the initial pre-tournament punditry, which lauded the likes of Germany, Spain, and Argentina.

Now, some of the mightier sides of the perceived weaker half of the draw have not only crashed out of the tournament, but have done so in a fashion that has at times left fans bored to tears after long, tedious games, with some of the latest ones concluded by a penalty shoot-out where it has looked as hard for teams to score as it has for Ronaldo to look modest.

With nations such as Russia, England, and even Sweden or Croatia all likely to be in the mix when it comes to showing off that they can be the best of the worst come the final, some media outlets like the BBC have managed to get ahead of themselves by starting to predict how the teams could reach the final, where, as we know, they will then meet a team who actually deserve to be there!

Nations in jubilations

This rather incredible news that one of these teams from the weaker side of the draw will get the chance to enjoy a horrible thrashing on world football’s biggest stage has clearly made fans of those nations less favoured in the World Cup betting very excited, especially as few of the teams in question have managed to achieve any kind of success at a World Cup in recent years, a fact that helps to explain why their side of the draw is seen as a weaker one.

As fans adjust to these new giddy heights of relative ambition, with the fear of not just getting embarrassed in the group stages of the competition now fully banished, the only question that remains for some is whether it is physically possible for a team to reach the final of World Cup 2018 without playing any sort of attractive, free-flowing football.

Inspired by the Russians

Having managed to perfect the art of simply defending for an entire game then hoping for a win in a penalty shoot-out, Russia clearly have perfected the blueprint for success when it comes to reaching that holy grail of a final. In fairness, this style of winning games without creating any sort of excitement has clearly not been heard by certain other teams, as France and Argentina missed out on the chance to present their fans with a tedious affair by scoring an amazing seven goals in a single game, which left fans of dire football worried that they may actually have to see the ball hit the back of the net from open play.

Whatever the outcome for these lesser teams in the final, and however badly they get thrashed in the last 90 minutes of the tournament, fans can at least revel in their shot to glory, no matter how boring or bizarre that shot turns out to be.

If further proof were needed about how neatly World Cup football and bizarreness can go hand in hand, just think back quickly to the success that Fat Les had with the song Vindaloo; even the unlikeliest of entries can go down in history, even if it is looked down upon and judged by anyone who actually enjoys the beautiful game in the first place!

Just In

Sport

Business

Features

Contact us