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Ipswich player sent off for making dangerous 10-yard pass

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Ipswich player sent off for making dangerous 10-yard pass

This video shows Ipswich defender Toto Nsiala being sent off for a committing a horrifically dangerous 10-yard pass.

The clip shows he got to the ball and passed to a teammate seconds before Sheffield Wednesday’s Fernando Forestieri arrived and managed to jump out of the way, saving himself from certain death.

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Within minutes, Wednesday scored against 10-man Ipswich to secure a 2-1 victory and send the Suffolk side to the bottom of the table.

Football referee expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “The Ipswich player could have killed someone passing the ball ten yards like that.

“This sort of dangerous recklessness has to be eliminated from the game.

“Forestieri can consider himself lucky to be alive.”

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It was the second time in a week that Ipswich have had a player sent off.

The club will appeal against Nsiala’s red card, because it was absolutely fecking ridiculous.

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Nine out of ten cars parked outside Waitrose are Audis

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Nine out of ten cars parked outside Waitrose are Audis

Audis at Waitrose

A staggering ninety per cent of all cars parked outside Waitrose are Audis, an official survey has confirmed.

Representatives from pollsters Morri found nine out of ten vehicles outside the Waitrose store in Ipswich were Audis of various models.

All belonged to middle-class folk who looked very important and busy as they dashed inside the store to pick up their overpriced vegetables, Waitrose wine and avocados.

Waitrose near me

Pollsters, who were commissioned to carry out the survey by the joint motoring and retail analysts Moore, Money Van-Sents took photographs of the car park to prove just how many Audi owners shopped at a Waitrose near me.

Audis at Waitrose

Hundreds of Audis parked at Waitrose
The photograph at the top of the page shows just one row of the car park, but when the camera panned out to reveal more of the Waitrose parking site at Futura Park above, it was clear there were hundreds of the coveted German cars. The remaining ten per cent of cars were made up of BMWs, Range Rovers and a Mercedes-Benz.

Retail expert Rupert Johnson said: “This survey is conclusive proof that a certain type of person shops at Waitrose. They will be middle class, drive an Audi and not mind paying over the top for their weekly shop.

“The irony is they would be devastated to know that if they took the name of their car, and changed just one letter, they would get Aldi.”

Furious pub customer served rude sausage pie

The Editor
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Furious pub customer served rude sausage pie

Rude sausage pie

A man walked out of a pub in disgust after being served a rude sausage pie for Sunday lunch.

Steve Walshe was looking forward to the dish but was astonished when it was served up.

He demanded an apology from the landlord of the Two Ducks near Ipswich.

But staff insist Mr Walshe had been rude and foul-mouthed when he arrived in the pub and ordered his food.

One bar person said: “He talked down to us and joked about the landlady’s appearance. So, when he ordered his sausage pie, chef was only too happy to change things up.

“We served sausage pie to him and, as expected, he failed to see the funny side.

“He swore at our barman and walked out. Hopefully we’ll not see him again.”

Mr Walshe left a one-star review on TripAdvisor, telling everyone to avoid the Two Ducks.

He wrote: “Never go here. I ordered a sausage piece and got a very rude shaped dish.”

Landlady Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Our staff have a wicked sense of humour.

“Unfortunately, not all customers see it that way. This particular gentleman had been rude when he arrived, so perhaps he got what he deserved.

“We cut up his sausage pie after he walked out and shared it among our other grateful guests. They loved it.”

Meanwhile, police have renewed their advice to hikers to avoid rural Norfolk country pubs.

Woman uses Just For Men hair product, grows beard

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Woman uses Just For Men hair product, grows beard

Just for Men

A woman who foolishly used Just For Men hair dye product ended up growing a beard, it has emerged.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Stowmarket in Suffolk, ignored strict instructions that the product to remove grey hair was for men only.

She popped into her local chemist and purchased a bottle of Just For Men hair product, then splashed it all over her greying head.

But Ms Fisher was horrified that although her grey hairs become a beautiful dark shade of brown, she also started to grow a beard.

Within five days she more or less had a full beard and had to return to the chemist to buy a razor.

The shopkeeper refused to give her a refund for the Just For Men hair product because the packaging explicitly says it is just for men.

Ms Fisher has been told she will always now have a beautiful beard – and that she can use the alternative Just For Men beard colouring product to ensure it remains free of grey flecks.

She has decided to make the best out of a rather annoying situation by joining the Norfolk Traveling Freak Circus, which is currently enjoying a summer season in Great Yarmouth.

A family friend said: “Everyone knows Just For Men can only be used by men. She’s not too clever when it comes to that sort of thing, so she sort of accepts it’s all her fault.

“She is getting used to the beard. Her partner actually and enjoys stroking it in the evening.

“And because she’s joined the circus, she’s actually the first member of her family to get a proper job.”

An insider at US makers Combe Incorporated said: “What part of Just For Men did this woman not understand?”

Madonna at 60 has ‘let herself go’, say critics

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Madonna at 60 has ‘let herself go’, say critics

Madonna at 60

As music icon Madonna turns 60, some critics rather harshly suggest she has left herself go.

Her official birthday selfie today, released above, shows her relaxed and doing her grandchildren’s laundry.

But while she clearly feels at ease with her ageing looks, some fans say she should try a little harder.

They remember the days when Madonna oozed sex appeal on stage.

She’s still retained some of her looks. Her new 60th birthday portrait certainly has more than a passing resemblance to the beautiful photo on her first album.

Fan Lorraine Fisher, still 34, said: “I used to dream of looking like Madonna, but I’m afraid she appears to have let herself go.

“You’d think with all her money she’d doing something about it.”

Some say she now has a passing resemblance to EastEnder Dot Cotton, but we can’t see it ourselves.

VIDEO: Norfolk hit celebrates forbidden ‘cousin love’

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VIDEO: Norfolk hit celebrates forbidden ‘cousin love’

Bubba Spuckler

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Norfolk country singing star Bubba Spuckler has released a sparkling new hit that’s getting played 24/7 in the county.

Dashing Spuckler, 34, is enjoying extraordinary success with Cousins, a song about his first love.

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Country music fan Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Suffolk, said: “I like the music, but I’m a little concerned about the words.”

See for yourself, as Spuckler performs the song at Cromer village hall…

The song is expected to go straight in at number one in this weekend’s Norfolk charts.

It will finally knock off When She Gets Randy, Her Extra Finger Comes in Handy from the top spot, where it’s been for 47 weeks.

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Spuckler, who lives in Downham Market with his sister and their eight children, has already enjoyed musical success with his top-selling album Delia Smith Bit my Carrot.

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Norfolk residents gripped by fear over village’s fate

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Norfolk residents gripped by fear over village’s fate

New Buckenham village fate

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

A Norfolk village is in fear after residents were called to a meeting to learn its fate.

Villagers have been ordered to the village hall for the crunch decision at 1pm on August 27.

They will take blankets, torches and tinned foods in case the news is bad.

New Buckenham, which is near Old Buckenham (they are nothing if not original in Norfolk) has been fearing the worse.

Villager Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “I remember once being called to the headmaster’s office to learn my fate. It didn’t end well.

“Now signs (photo: New Buckenham Facebook group)have gone up calling us to the village hall for the village fate.

“People are stockpiling food and bottled water in case they get to the hall, only to be told they can never leave again.

“Some Norfolk people are even fleeing to Suffolk where everything in life seems far more certain.”

Norfolk Police said they could not comment on New Buckenham’s fate.

The news comes just weeks after the Norfolk Day annual wash was postponed for another year, whether the locals needed it or not.

‘I was there, but I don’t think I was involved’ – Jeremy Corbyn’s dog

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‘I was there, but I don’t think I was involved’ – Jeremy Corbyn’s dog

jeremy corbyn dog

Jeremy Corbyn’s dog has admitted she was present when a cute teddy bear was torn to shreds, but didn’t think she was actually involved.

Bull terrier Lola was filmed clearly present at the scene of the carnage.

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But despite posing for pictures next to the little cuddly bear’s decapitated head, she insisted that she had not been involved.

Master Mr Corbyn accepted this explanation and said any suggestion otherwise was simply a smear campaign by his cat.

Five-year-old Lola, he insisted, had spent a lifetime enjoying the company of cuddly toys and promoting harmony in the home.

The Labour Party leader has some sympathy for Lola, since he himself was photographed at a wreath-laying service for Palestinian terrorists, allegedly including individuals behind the Israeli Olympic team attack, which left 11 Israelis dead.

As the row blew up, including condemnation from Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, Mr Corbyn said: “I was present at that wreath-laying, I don’t think I was actually involved in it.”

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Meanwhile Lola, surrounded by teddy bear stuffing and clear evidence that the toy had been ripped apart by a four-legged animal, like a dog, was sticking by her guns.

“I was here, but it wasn’t me. It must have been the cat.”

Political analyst Lorraine Fisher, 34, said it had been a tough week for Lola.

“This is absolutely a smear campaign by the cat. The cat has been having a rough time of it after being caught shitting on Mr Corbyn’s kitchen floor.

“So, it’s a bit of a coincidence this bear story should emerge now.”

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