“I didn’t see you on camouflage parade this morning, corporal!”
“Thank you, sir!”
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As the door opened today, I was stark naked in front of the postman.
I don’t know if he was more surprised at me being naked, or the fact that I knew where he lived.
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I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
She went from Barking to Tooting in 40 minutes.
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A man walked into the accident and emergency department with a steering wheel down the front of his trousers.
“Can you help me, please, doctor. This is driving me nuts.”
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My wife asked me to stop singing I’m a Believer by The Monkees because she found it annoying.
At first, I thought she was kidding. But then I saw her face…
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In these times of social-distancing, I’ve taken over the attic to grow my new boat-building business.
Sails are going through the roof.
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I woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
My plumber has a strange sense of humour.
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The lack of traffic and man-made pollution is having extraordinary benefits for the environment, as this picture of Lowestoft today shows.
As streets remain empty and an eery calm returns, the Suffolk resort’s beach and seawater are slowly returning to their beautiful natural state.
The amazing transformation comes after reports and photographs showed the canals in Venice were becoming clear and you could see to the bottom.
Locals are amazed at how beautiful Lowestoft really is, compared with how it normally looks, below.
Environmental expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “You might normally expect Lowestoft to have a dull grey sea, concrete monstrosities and overcast skies.
“But a ban on human activity has allowed the town to revert to its natural state, with turquoise blue seas, cobalt blue skies, exquisite sands, tropical palms and more.
“It just goes to show what a mess we normally make of the place.”
Locals are urged not to go out and enjoy the beautiful scenes until the coronavirus lockdown is over.
Town councillor Mark Solomons said: “You’ll just have to trust us that it looks nice.”
