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Normal for Norfolk as sex with someone outside family unit is banned

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Normal for Norfolk as sex with someone outside family unit is banned

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

There was a collective shrug of the shoulders in Norfolk today as new lockdown rules made it illegal for people to have sex with anyone from outside of their family home.

People from the rural county backwater have maintained intimate close to home for hundreds of years.

So new COVID-19 measures designed to limit infection outside of family units will not affect them at all.

Health England official Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Norfolk people have kept it in the family for years.

“We expect the new laws will present no problems there.”

Norfolk man Bubba Spuckler, who lives with his sister and their eight children, said: “Cor, blast me. Yur gettin orn my wick wiv this virus.

“It’s a loada ole squit. I can have jollificeartions with my sis like always.”

Horse racing returns without jockeys

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Jockeyless horse racing is back

Britain’s punters and bookies were celebrating the return of horse racing today – without any jockeys.

To get around COVID-19 restrictions, horses were sent from the stalls without a rider, using only their instinct and desire to run free.

The first meeting since lockdown was held in Newcastle today with ten exciting, riderless races scheduled.

By the end of the meeting, only 17 horses had gone missing – with three seen running off in the direction of Scotland.

Horse Racing Board spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “To keep on side of social distancing we had to let the horses run without jockeys.

“This led to some entertaining, if a little unpredictable racing, and some punters have cleaned up because the bookies were unsure how to price up the horses.

“Most of the horses made it around the track, in the right direction, although many decided to stop to eat some grass on the way.

“Others simply took off in a haphazard manner and haven’t been seen since.”

It’s yet to be decided whether horse racing without jockeys is more fun and should become a permanent feature.

Today’s special offer mugs

Click on one of the mugs below to buy – or visit our partner Dirty Old Goat.

We do not bring good luck, insist white rabbits

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Britain’s white rabbits have insisted they do not bring good luck, so don’t blame them if you have a crap month.

As millions of superstitious Brits woke up on June 1 uttering “White rabbits” for good luck, pale bunnies warn it won’t work.

Rabbit Lorraine Fisher, 34 (in rabbit years), said: “They say humans are the most intelligent species.

“Yet you’re telling me they believe saying white rabbits on the first of the month will bring them good luck?

“I’ve never heard of anything so ridiculous. I suppose you’ll be blaming us if you catch COVID-19 in June.”

Ms Fisher, who lives in her warren with her 76 children, said there was another bizarre human superstition that troubled her.

“Humans have been known to keep a rabbit’s foot for good luck.

“Well it’s not very lucky for the rabbit, is it?”

Buy a mug for good luck

White rabbits may not bring good luck, but our exclusive Suffolk Gazette mugs certainly do. Buy one below or visit Dirty Old Goat!

Deliverance theme park launches on Norfolk Broads

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Duelling Banjos from Deliverance

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

A thrilling new adventure park based on the cult film Deliverance is being opened on the Norfolk Broads.

Visitors will be dropped in the remote countryside near Wroxham where they first have to play a banjo with a weird country bumpkin.

Then they are given canoes and told to paddle down the Broads towards Great Yarmouth.

But that is where the fun really begins as the locals, who rarely wash and have few teeth, are out for some entertainment of their own.

deliveranceVisitors get to paddle down the Norfolk Broads (All images: Warner Bros)

Close to Stokesby, the yokels try to catch you, and if you get caught you have to squeal like a pig while being sexually assaulted (and that’s just the men).

Squeal like a pig in DeliveranceSqueal like a pig: visitors must escape the attentions of locals

Those who have tested the park experience for management company Mountain Men Corporation (MMC), say it is the scariest yet most exhilarating theme park they have ever been to.

MMC managing director Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Deliverance was filmed in 1972 and featured four city boys as they took a terrifying canoe trip through Georgia. It was a smash hit, and we wanted to reproduce the experience somewhere in the UK.

“We searched all over and realised Norfolk had everything we needed without having to invest much – there were rivers, rural wilderness, and very weird, backward and deviant local people.”

Local yokel: Just one of the Norfolk men employed by the park

The Deliverance park opens to the public in July. Visitors have to be over 18 and be prepared to die, but each party will be given a powerful bow and arrows in order to try to defend themselves.

Funny mugs now come with FREE handles

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All funny mugs come with a free handle
All mugs now come with FREE handle

Your caring Suffolk Gazette has now included FREE handles with each and every one of our sensational funny mugs collection.

That’s right, there’s no need to singe your fingers each time you have a drink.

With our free handles (see items below), you can now lift your gift mug to your lips and enjoy hot tea or coffee without requiring a visit to A&E.

Provided by our potty pottery partner DirtyOldGoat.com, our mugs are perfect for your home, or as gifts to relatives and friends.

Director of marketing Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “These are high-quality mugs, which are dishwasher and microwave safe, and every Suffolk Gazette reader deserves one for the kitchen.

“Because we love our readers so much, we have now included a handle with each mug, completely free of charge.

Buy your funny mugs here

Boris Johnson celebrates National Biscuit Day with jammie dodger

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Jammie dodger
Jammie dodger in Downing Street

Prime Minister Boris Johnson got into the spirit of National Biscuit Day today by taking tea with a jammie dodger in Downing Street.

Mr Johnson enjoyed his half-baked treat as the rest of Britain choked on the crumbs.

Political reporter Lorraine Fisher, 34, explained: “This week has proved more than any other that Dominic Cummings is a jammie dodger.

“Quite how he has kept his job is anyone’s guess, but that’s what comes from hobnobbing with the right people.

“I suppose it’s one rule for the rich tea and another for the rest of us.”

Get a mug for your tea and biscuits

Buy a mug from the Suffolk Gazette official potty pottery partner, dirtyoldgoat.com

ABC’s of CBD oil in the UK

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CBD oil in the UK

The demand for CBD (cannabidiol) oil in the UK has kept soaring in spite of the global COVID-19 pandemic. It is highly unlikely that enthusiasm will dissipate any time soon. If anything it is projected that CBD sales will hit $2.1 billion globally in 2020. In the UK alone, over six million adults were already using CBD products by mid-2019. 

Unfortunately, many people do not have a clear picture of what CBD oil represents. And without a clear understanding, it is easy to make wrong conclusions leading to the abuse or misuse of CBD oil. This four-minute read explains everything you need to know about CBD oil, and specifically as it applies to the UK.

What is CBD oil?

CBD is the shortened form for cannabidiol. This is one of the many phytocannabinoids (chemical compounds) that are found in cannabis. The cannabis species has over 100 different cannabinoids even though only a few have been isolated and investigated.

The two most popular phytocannabinoids that are found in cannabis are tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) and CBD. Unlike THC, CBD does not cause psychoactive effects. 

How does CBD work?

A lot of research has been carried out to investigate how plant-derived phytocannabinoids such as CBD are able to affect the body. It is now clear that phytocannabinoids interact with the body’s unique endocannabinoid system which is responsible for maintaining homeostasis. 

The endocannabinoid system regulates different functions in the body including pain and inflammation, sleep, memory, hunger and appetite, reproduction, metabolism, and mood. It has been called “the universal regulator.”

CBD is a weak agonist (supporter) at the CB2 receptor which is one of the two receptors of the endocannabinoid system. 

CBD oil supports, maintains, and optimizes the functions of a healthy ECS.

Is CBD legal in the UK?

CBD is legal in the UK so long as it contains less than 1mg of the psychoactive compound THC in the finished product, it is sold as a food supplement and consequently, no medical claims should be made about CBD products. Products that are considered medicinal must get approval from the Medicines & Healthcare products Regulatory Agency (MHRA).

A few tips to keeping in mind when shopping for CBD

Not all CBD is created equal, in fact, a study last year found that many CBD products for sale on the high-street contain little to no CBD in them, worse still, there is always the risk of buying CBD oil that has been adulterated with harmful compounds. Remember that the CBD market is still largely unregulated.

So how do you go about finding high-quality CBD product in the UK? Here are a few tips taken from CBD Shopy’s top CBD oil review.

1.   Lab-Reports/COA

When buying high-quality CBD oil in the UK, make sure it is backed by third-party results from an independent lab. This will tell you the exact amount of CBD, THC and other cannabinoids found in the product.

The certificate of analysis (COA) from the independent lab should also indicate the presence or absence of contaminants such as heavy metals and pesticides. Make sure that the COA report is from an accredited testing facility. 

2.   CBD Potency

CBD products come in different strengths and concentrations. The potency is the amount of CBD in each mL or serving. Ultimately, you should be paying for CBD potency and not bottle size. Find out how much CBD is contained in the product before purchasing it. It is also important to confirm the presence and concentration of CBD by counterchecking with the COA report.  The average market price in the UK ranges from £25.00 to £40.00 for 500mg of CBD.

3.   Labelling- No Medical Claims

Some unscrupulous CBD retailers are out to entice customers by making unsubstantiated claims about CBD oil. The MRHA has very clear guidelines on the marketing of CBD. Make sure that there are no unsubstantiated medical claims on the CBD product that you want to buy. 

4.   Full-spectrum CBD Vs CBD Isolate

Full-spectrum CBD products contain additional compounds apart from the CBD. This includes extra beneficial cannabinoids and terpenes. Science has shown that full-spectrum CBD offers greater benefits for supporting homeostasis as compared to pure CBD alone. Unless you require high amounts of pure CBD, consider going for full-spectrum CBD with full entourage benefits.

5.   Consult with Your Doctor

Since CBD affects the endocannabinoid system, it is important to consult with your doctor before starting on CBD. CBD also interacts with some drugs and affects how they are metabolized. A qualified physician or pharmacist will be able to advise you based on what other drugs you are taking.

Once you are confident about the genuineness of the vendor and the quality of the CBD, you can now consider your individual preferences.

CBD comes in different formulations which include oils, capsules, creams, and edibles such as ZenBears CBD gummies.

Each CBD formulation has its own unique advantages and appeals to different people groups. Ask for the most convenient CBD formulation that will suit your preference and lifestyle. 

Ultimately, make sure that you are dealing with a verified CBD vendor with numerous positive reviews. It always helps when other customers are saying good things about a vendor that you want to try.

Terrified roofer can only work on bungalows

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Roofer

A roofer will only work on bungalows – because he is afraid of heights.

Karl Robinson, from Ipswich, has to turn down loads of work because he suffers from vertigo.

His problems started three years ago when he had a panic attack while working on 34-year-old Lorraine Fisher’s two-storey terraced house in the town’s Bramford Road.

“I looked down and that was it,” explained the 38-year-old. “I was terrified and clung on to the chimney like a baby.

“I could not move my legs, let alone climb down, so the owner of the house had to call the fire brigade to rescue me.

“It was so embarrassing, and ever since I have only been able to work on bungalows where I am much closer to the ground.”

He said he had now got a reputation for specialising in bungalow roofs, and picked up a lot of repair work in places like Kesgrave, near Ipswich, as a result.

“But it means I have to turn down a lot of work on normal houses and so lose out on a lot of money,” added Mr Robinson.

“The only good part is I only have to invest in one small ladder and do not need to pay for scaffolding.”

He says he can not do another job, because “roofing is all I know”.

Doctors say there is no cure for his fear of heights, but have suggested he attends some hypnotherapy.

Mug sales through the roof

Sales of mugs from dirtyoldgoat.com, the Suffolk Gazette’s potty pottery partner are going through the roof. Buy one here….