Bill Clinton was at Woking Pizza Express in 1996, not shagging Monica Lewinsky
Bill Clinton claims he could not have had sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky because he was at Pizza Express in Woking at the time.
The former US President distinctly remembers tucking into a family-sized pizza with wife Hillary and daughter Chelsea on January 11, 1996.
“I could not have had sexual relations with that woman,” Mr Clinton said in an extraordinary interview last night.
“I was at the Pizza Express in Woking. I remember it well because I spilt some mayonnaise down Hillary’s blue dress.
“The food was fit for a prince. It was so good, I was there on many occasions between 1995 and 1997.”
Former Woking Pizza Express waitress Lorraine Fisher, 34, said the Pizza Express branch was strangely popular with famous guests, who enjoyed tucking into the restaurant’s famous Alibi Pizza.
“We’ve had a few well-known faces through the door,” she said. “Lord Lucan popped in on November 8, 1974.”
Mr Clinton was prompted to remember his hungry trip to Surrey in 1996 after Prince Andrew last night claimed he was could not have had sex with teenager Virginia Guiffre because he was in Pizza Express in Woking with his daughter at the time, in 2001.
Following news that Jeremy Corbyn will connect electricity to Norfolk, Boris Johnson has trumped him by promising to bring hi-tech CEEFAX to the county.
The backward rural county has become an unlikely key battleground in the general election campaign as leading parties seek to win favour with the local numpties.
Critics have already pointed out that Norfolk people won’t have a clue what to do with “electrickery”, while the notion of CEEFAX is a non-starter since none of them can read, let alone have a TV set.
The rest of Britain dumped CEEFAX decades ago, preferring to get information from the internet via their computers, tablets or mobile phones.
Conservative campaign spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Boris is a man of the people and wants to help drag Norfolk into the 19th century.
“Labour only went as far as promising to add electricity to every home in the county – well Boris is going one better by bringing them CEEFAX.
“Norfolk famously doesn’t like anything newfangled – although a recent archaeological dig found they used tools as far back as 1946 – but we think they’ll come round to the idea of seeing how much Norwich City lost by on CEEFAX page 390.”
However, even locals don’t seem too impressed with the idea.
“What’s television?” asked, Edna Spratt, 84, from Downham Market.
After his extraordinary election pledge of free broadband to every home in the country, Jeremy Corbyn has now promised to bring electricity to Norfolk.
If elected as Prime Minister, the Labour leader says electricity will be made available to every mud hut and treehouse in the backward rural county.
He will need to nationalise UK Power Networks to deliver the election promise, a move that has not gone down well with the markets.
Already, BT shares have plunged after Labour said it would nationalise Openreach and other tech components of the BT empire, much of it based in Suffolk.
Political commentator Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Bringing electricity to Norfolk is fantasy politics. It will come at a huge expense, and even if it’s done, the locals won’t know what to do with it.”
People in Norfolk still point at cars and think aeroplanes are a devil from a far-off land.
Norwich politician Bubba Spuckler, who lives with his sister and their eight children said: “I’m not sure electricity is a priority. We would like to be connected to sewage systems and running water first.
“There’s no point in Labour just promising the earth. Who’s going to pay for it all?”
Edgar the Dragon returns to burn mean villagers (Photo: HBO, Game of Thrones)
The John Lewis Christmas TV advert takes a surprising twist when the dragon grows up and returns to kill all the mean-spirited villagers.
Edgar is widely shunned by locals in the ad because he accidentally sets fire to things. It’s only after gifting them a fiery Christmas pudding that they show him any sort of love or respect.
Enraged by this childhood of loneliness and bullying, especially leading up to Christmas, a grown-up Edgar returns to the village to burn the whole place down.
No longer will anyone dare criticise his fire-breathing antics.
Edgar with his Christmas pud (Photo: screenshot of John Lewis TV ad)
The remarkable true story behind Edgar’s violent return inspired makers of the hit TV show Game of Thrones, where a dragon burns King’s Landing to the ground, slaughtering its residents.
Mother of Dragons Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “They may look cute when they are young, but don’t ever get on the wrong side of a dragon.
“They have a long memory and will come back one day and barbecue you.”
A Norfolk parliamentary constituency with just seven voters is being investigated as a rotten borough, it has emerged.
Downham Market has been the House of Commons seat of Conservative Bubba Spuckler for 27 years – and his family has provided a Member of Parliament there for 265 years.
Rotten Borough
Now questions have been asked because all seven voters are members of the extended Spuckler family, and one of them is a goat.
Lorraine Fisher, 34, a spokesperson for the Electoral Commission said: “We had hoped rotten boroughs were a thing of the past when the English democratic system was rife with corruption, bribery and violent crime.
“We’re not sure how Downham Market escaped our notice until now – perhaps being in the wilds of rural Norfolk was a perfect disguise.”
Vote ‘Mr B’: Election poster backs Bubba
Ms Fisher added: “We’re quite certain that with only seven voters, one of them cloven-hoofed and six others with webbed-feet, and all of them with the same surname, that the democratic process in Downham Market is corrupt.
“Anyone standing against Bubba Spuckler is unlikely to get much support on the hustings, let alone the ballot box, and in all probability will be fed to the pigs.”
General Election
The investigation is expected to be completed before the December 12 general election, and if found to be a rotten borough, the Downham Market seat will be merged with neighbouring Swaffham South, which is much larger with 25 voters.
The United Kingdom has always been at the forefront of careful regulation of the online gambling market, ensuring operators follow strict guidelines to protect players.
Online
casinos, poker, sports betting and bingo are the key platforms used by a
growing number of customers in Britain, and knowing they are playing on a fair
brand, where their money is safe is critical. For the genuine large operators,
like PartyCasino, being licensed in this way gives them the credibility
needed to attract new business.
Online
gambling platforms are licensed in the UK by the UK Gambling Commission, which continues
to tighten rules for operators to follow to make all games safe and fair. Regulations
implemented this year, following extensive public consultation, go further than
ever to protect children by speeding up the customer age and identity
processes.
Safety
for the under 18s
Previously,
online gambling companies were allowed a period of up to 72 hours to carry out
these identity checks, often referred to as KYC – know your customer. The
regulations ensured a customer could not withdraw any winnings until the KYC
checks were complete. If the player was found to be underage, any stakes had to
be returned.
Now,
however, things have been tightened up, meaning the same licensed operators
must complete the identification process before the customer can deposit money
in the first place. It also restricts customers from playing via a free bet or
bonus until KYC is complete.
One
additional step that is well received prevents young people from taking part in
free versions of any online game run under a licence. Of course, this is not
technically gambling because no money changes hands, but the benefits of
restricting minors from accessing these games are clear.
Withdrawal
delays
Players
gamble online partly for fun, but also in the expectation they might win
something. When they do run well on the roulette or blackjack tables, win the
jackpot on a slot, scoop a sports accumulator bet or take down a big-prize
poker tournament, the player is justified to expect to withdraw their winnings
promptly.
However, one
of the gripes filtering through to the Gambling Commission was that some operators have been too slow in paying
out – hitting the player with an unexpected demand for further proof of ID.
Under the cloak of “being responsible”, this makes for a frustrating experience
for players while allowing online businesses to keep hold of their money for a
little longer. Delays like these accounted for 15% of complaints to the
Commission.
The new
rules make clear exactly what process operators must follow to prevent
withdrawal pains. Operators must:
At a minimum, verify a player’s name,
address and date of birth before allowing any form of gambling
If further verification details are
required, this must be done promptly
Make clear to all players what forms
of documentation might be required, when it might be needed and how it can be
sent in. This must all be made clear before any deposit
Make provisions to ensure all
customers’ identity details remain accurate and up to date.
New measures
like this mean the operator not only knows their customers better, preventing
underage gambling and potentially other criminal activity such as money
laundering but it also greatly improves the onboarding experience for genuine
players. Platforms will no longer be able to demand further ID during a cashout
request if that information could have been obtained upon registration.
Firming
up self-exclusion
All
operators licensed by the Gambling Commission sign up to helping to tackle
problem gambling, acting responsibly to identify and act upon those customers
who might have an issue.
Self-exclusion
is one way for players to cut their online gambling, and the Commission has
further tightened ways of preventing self-excluded players from suddenly
placing wagers again. The process will involve resubmission of ID details
before accounts can be activated again.
The UK
Gambling Commission chief executive, Neil McArthur is confident the latest
changes will protect children and vulnerable customers from “gambling-related
harm”. He added: “They will also make gambling fairer by helping consumers
collect their winnings without unnecessary delay.”
Next on the Gambling Commission radar?
The Commission has stated that it is turning its attention to how licence holders interact with a player who may be going through gambling-related harm. One course of action will involve investigating, and seeking the use of, gambling blocking software, which will help ensure problem gamblers cannot find action.
NORFOLK – Norwich City FC, died after a brief illness in the Premier League on Friday night.
Norwich City leaves no trophies and a handful of delusional supporters.
Born in 1920 and raised by local kitchen hand, Delia Smith, Norwich City led a largely undistinguished life before luckboxing it to the Premier League this season.
Unfortunately, while gloating at the fortunes of bigger cousin Ipswich Town, Norwich City became sick and retreated to its care home in Carrow Road, where it suffered a fatal dose of Being Beaten By Bottom Club Watford on Friday night.
Symptoms were debilitating and included Norwich City replacing useless Watford at the bottom of the table. Fortunately, the end was quick and death came within 90 minutes.
It came as a relief to the handful of supporters present at Carrow Road that the death peaceful. You could have heard a pin drop.
The last known photograph of Norwich City is printed below, with the kind permission of the Norwich City Supporters’ Club.
Details of the funeral service will be released shortly. Delia Smith has asked for no flowers, but donations of bottles of wine can be made to her office.
Police fear for the safety of a missionary who has gone missing after venturing into deepest Norfolk to preach the word of God.
The Rev Evan Elpuss has not been seen since last Tuesday when he crossed into the county from the Suffolk town of Beccles.
He had told worried relatives that it was his calling to introduce God to the lawless and backward tribes living across Norfolk.
Traveling alone in the rural backwaters, especially for a man of the cloth, is extremely perilous.
Reports of vicars and priests being hung and even boiled alive in pots and eaten have been rife for years.
Now police in Suffolk fear Rev Elpuss, who comes from Felixstowe, has become a cannibal’s breakfast.
Force spokeswoman Sgt Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It’s like the Middle Ages in parts of rural Norfolk, especially around Downham Market, and local tribes have not taken kindly to strange men turning up with a book trying to preach the word of God.
“We have open files on five missionaries who have gone missing while working north of the border.
“Bones found next to a large cauldron at a settlement near Dereham were found to be human. It’s not difficult to work out what has happened to these poor people.”
Rev Elpuss, 29, has been working as a missionary for five years. There was little God-fearing work to do in Suffolk, so he had to travel wider to seek those who needed support from above.
Parts of Essex and Cambridgeshire was hard enough, but he told his boss, The Rev Neil Cushion, that it was his ambition to create a flock in Norfolk and build the county’s first church.
He left earlier this week with nothing more than his trusty bible and a bicycle and has not been seen since.
A Church of England spokesman said: “Not since the days of avoiding cannibals and vicious tribes in South America, Australia and Africa has missionary work been so dangerous.
“We would urge anyone with information about the whereabouts of the Rev Evan Elpuss to contact police immediately.”
