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Veganuary participant managing to mention it every five minutes

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Vegan gives up being smug for Lent

A woman who is trying out Veganuary for the first time is somehow managing to work it into conversation every five minutes.

Now, all friends and relatives of Lorraine Fisher, 34, know she is “doing her bit” to save the planet after watching some dodgy documentary about meat on Netflix.

And within an hour of getting back to work today, her colleagues had heard all about it, too.

Ms Fisher said: “It’s a new year and a new me. Now, I am better than everyone else because I shall be meat and dairy-free – and all that other unhealthy stuff.

“Did I tell you how much damage cows do to the environment?”

Family friend Steve Walshe was not quite so fond of Lorraine’s animal-friendly diet.

He said: “She bored us rigid over Christmas saying she was going to do Veganuary – and now she is telling us in great detail about every meal she is preparing.

“She is lecturing and hectoring while being oh so woke.

“And we all know she’ll celebrate the end of Veganuary with a huge bacon sandwich on February 1, so what’s the point?”

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Ipswich Town to play rugby union from 2020

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ITFC ground

After a ruling made by the official Court of Social Media, Ipswich Town have been stripped of their right to play football.

It was found that the Suffolk outfit has flouted rules contrary to trading standards since 2004, having ceased to play what can realistically be described as ‘football’ around said time when ex-Norwich hard man and former MP for South Northampton Joe Royle accomplished his dastardly inside mission of stopping Ipswich from gaining promotion.

Despite facing a backlash from the pitchfork-wielding Portman Road faithful, and the dozens of fans that infest the terraces every other Saturday, a spokesperson for the prosecution has stated that this is a “justified, long-overdue move”. He added that the team had “stagnated like an awful Dad Joke at a wedding” in the Fizzy Pop Championship, taking up room needed for teams with genuine promotion aspirations, such as Greys Athletic, Arsenal reserves and Sacramento Kings.

Ipswich fans, along with many locals of Suffolk’s thriving answer to Swindon, are split as to how the club can now be repurposed. While there are isolated calls from an invisible, silent, non-existent minority of residents to turn the stadium into a Turnip Bowling green – as it was in the years prior Ipswich Town FC’s formation in 1784 – it is believed that the club will now play rugby from 2020 onwards.

In addition to such reports, there are plans in place to hire several players from the World Cup-winning South Africa squad. Consistently in the top three of the latest rugby union betting outright odds, the Boks are the very best around, so a few signings from South Africa could truly bolster Ipswich’s team of underdog rugby union sensations.

The ‘Boks’ are, of course, named aptly after the sound the egg-ball makes upon contact with a boot, prior to flying over the extra-high crossbar – which for some inexplicable reason causes the crowd to cheer.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFgfGlbkrII&feature=emb_logo

Former South Africa players Francois Louw and ‘The Beast’ have already gone from the Boks’ squad, but the pipeline is still full of players that can fit into the Ipswich starting XV and have success. That is not to say Ipswich’s desperate pursuit of sporting glory in any earthly form will not be without some star quality, which many argue will get the fans turning up en-masse and mouthing off as if they could play better.

Already in the pipeline to play rugby for Ipswich Town are up and coming singer/ginger/songwriter Edward Sheeran, early-2000s cult hero Fabian Wilnis and three blokes from iconic television series Love Island. Ultimately, there is a feeling of optimism that the team will progress nicely in the coming years, finally giving Suffolk’s array of big-eared boys on farms good reason to leave their sheds full of twenty-foot high chickens of a weekend and roar on a new team made up of (mostly) local heroes.

The Top 25 Suffolk Gazette Stories of 2019

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By The Editor

It’s that time of year absolutely nobody has been waiting for – finding out which stories have been most read on the Suffolk Gazette in 2019.

Most are new articles, while some were published years ago but are still being lapped up by gullible fools, mainly from Norfolk or America.

As is usually the case, the mainstream media has fallen for several of our well-researched articles this year and published them without checking any facts for themselves.

So, without further waffle, here are the top 25 stories of 2019 by page views, in reverse order. There were millions of you enjoying our extensive news coverage, and I thank you all.

25. Southwold twinned with Clacton

The posh second homeowners of Southwold were left choking on their Waitrose avocados after the Suffolk Gazette revealed the posh resort had been twinned with Clacton in Essex.

Southwold lighthouse chav attraction

In a surprising turn of events, the story annoyed many residents of Clacton, who felt the move was patronising. “We’re not thick,” one wrote later in an angry email to the editor, while believing every word of the story.

24. Nellie the Elephant on the loose in Suffolk

Alarming news emerged from north Suffolk. where local potato farmer Maurice Piper somehow allowed his elephant, Nellie, to escape from the private enclosure on his estate.

The 34-year-old beast was roaming free in the countryside and was feared to be hiding out in Thetford Forest. Motorists on the A134 were advised to be extra vigilant, even though it’s not a trunk road.

23. Climate protesters call off Heathrow demo so Emma Thompson can fly back to LA

The luvvy actress joined in with London’s Extinction Rebellion protesters – after flying in from the US to do so, generating nearly a tonne of CO2.

Emma Thompson climate

Helpfully, the protesters stopped a planned blockade of Heathrow, so the fragrant Emma could get a flight home again.

22. Prehistoric tribe found alive and well in Norfolk

We all knew Norfolk was a backward place, full of weird inbred people and dragons in the rural wastelands, so it was perhaps no great surprise when a 5,000-year-old tribe was found living in mud huts.

Norfolk tribe

The Suffolk Gazette’s Norfolk correspondent, Ian Bred, was soon on the scene and sent this detailed report about the Homo Caneriensis tribe.

21. Now Labour promises to bring electricity to Norfolk

In another story poking fun at our “friends” from north of the border, we revealed how, following his election offer of free broadband for all, Jeremy Corbyn was proposing to introduce electricity to Norfolk.

Of course, no-one believed our story because everyone knows locals there don’t believe in “electrickery”.

20. Released bears eat family in Thetford Forest

There was sad news in the summer when it was revealed a pack of bears, released in a re-wilding project in Thetford Forest, had eaten a family.

bears thetford forest
Bears crossing the A134 near Thetford

Authorities had kept the attack secret so as not to cause alarm, but this newspaper felt it deserved publishing in the public interest. Unfortunately, it did cause some alarm to those people stupid enough to read it and think it was true.

19. I was at Pizza Express in Woking in 1996, insists Bill Clinton

While Prince Andrew was giving a car crash TV interview about his alleged antics with Jeffrey Epstein, Bill Clinton came up with an alibi for his alleged affair with Monica Lewinsky.

The former US President insisted he was at Pizza Express in Woking at the time, so could not possibly have been seeing the voluptuous intern.

18. World hide and seek champion found dead in wardrobe

Sad news from international sport, when we reported the world hide and seek champion was found dead in a wardrobe, where he had been hiding successfully for two weeks.

Police spokeswoman Sgt Lorraine Fisher, 34, told us: “It’s this sort of skill which makes a hide and seek world champion – but unfortunately it was also the death of him.”

This story was first published in 2018 but has received repeated bursts of virality, nudging it into the 2019 list, too.

17. Jacob Rees-Mogg appointed Viceroy of India

In breaking political news, the Suffolk Gazette revealed that Jacob Rees-Mogg had been made Viceroy of India in the latest cabinet reshuffle.

The new Viceroy of India, Jacob Rees-Mogg (Photo Cantab 12 CC)

The news came just months after this newspaper also reported on Mr Rees-Mogg investing in a company that is building workhouses for the poor.

16. I was drunk and thought I had bought a border collie, says woman

A Suffolk woman, who was worse for wear for drink, thought she had purchased a border collie from a bloke in the pub, only to wake up the next morning with this creature sitting on her sofa

Buy border collile when drunk

15. France on alert for tide of British refugees

In concerning news from across the Channel, it was revealed thousands of Brits are risking their lives trying to escape from the tyranny of Brexit.

French humanitarian Madame Lorraine Fisheur, 34, told this newspaper: “These people are desperate.”

14. The Queen asks Philip to take Prince Andrew for a drive

Prince Andrew’s 2019 woes took a drastic turn for the worse when Her Majesty insisted her doddery husband “take him for a drive”.

The request came months after Philip overturned his Range Rover, and was labelled as one of the most dangerous things on the road.

13. Suffolk Police launch cost-cutting patrol car

This article is three years old but is still being shared merrily around the internet. We revealed how Suffolk Police, desperate to save money, had introduced a new electric police patrol car.

However, cops complained the charge soon runs out and local kids have been throwing eggs at them as they trundle past.

New Suffolk Police car

Some readers were fooled, with one writing in: “How are they supposed to take criminals in? Ridiculous! Good on them for trying to lower their carbon footprint, though.”

12. Russian cathedral fans devastated by Notre-Dame inferno

The terrible fire at the Notre-Dame in Paris particularly affected these two Russian fans of cathedrals.

The pair had become famous for travelling from their motherland just to see the big spire at Salisbury Cathedral.

11. Williams F1 announces new driver line-up for 2019 season

Prince Philip makes the list for a second time as he was a surprise new driver for Williams F1.

Prince Philip joins Williams F1 team

F1 bosses said the Prince was a “keen and fearless driver” who had only had one or two bumps on the circuit during testing.

And now, we move into the all-important Top Ten Suffolk Gazette stories of 2019…

10. Theresa May furious as Scotland boss takes just 90 minutes to leave Europe

Poor Theresa May had been trying unsuccessfully to take Britain out of Europe for years – only for Scotland manager Alex McLeish to secure Scotland’s exit after just one European Championship qualifier, when they lost 3-0 to mighty Kazakhstan.

9. Awkward: Prince Philip welcomes Donald Trump and ‘Stormy’ to Buckingham Palace

For once, it wasn’t Prince Philip’s driving in the news. Instead, we revealed that when Donald Trump and his wife visited Buckingham Palace, Philip called Melania “Stormy”, after the porn star Stormy Daniels, who her husband allegedly had an affair with.

Philip shook the President’s hand then turned to Melania and quipped: “And Stormy, I’ve seen all your films.”

This story was taken a little too seriously in the United States and was one of many Suffolk Gazette stories to be “fact-check” by Snopes, the US internet police.

8. The Queen joins National Take Your Child to Work Day

In more heart-warming Royal news, our Royal Editor Jane Seymour revealed the Queen joined in National Take Your Child to Work Day for the Queen’s Speech.

naitonal take your child to work day

One observer told us: “Charles was dressed smartly and had combed what is left of his hair.”

7. Seaborne Freight trials first ferry crossing from Ramsgate

Our cameraman was on hand when under-fire Seaborne Feight launched its first sea trials to ease Britain’s Brexit transport crisis.

World's smallest container ship

The company was awarded a £13.8 million Government contract by Chris Grayling even though it had no ships.

6. Girl, 9, disappears using cream that makes you ten years younger

A story from over a year ago that continues to circulate on the internet, with Americans, in particular, getting very cross about it. One wrote: “How misleading and disturbing. To use this as publicity for the cream is wrong.”

Doh!

5. London Underground introduces first-class carriages

There was good news for well-heeled London commuters, as the Suffolk Gazette revealed tube trains would contain first-class carriages complete with leather chairs and a bar.

The new first-class carriages being prepared for Central Line trains (Photo: Simon Pielow, published under CC BY-SA 2.0)

This story was already going well when the Drudge Report, one of the most influential news aggregators in America, picked it up and ran it as fact, linking to our story. Cue tens of thousands of confused American readers.

4. I’m in charge now, says Larry the Downing Street cat

Larry the Downing Street cat reassured Britain that he is now running the country.

After political disaster upon political disaster, Larry stepped forward and proclaimed: “Where there is discord, may we bring harmony. Where there is error, may we bring truth. Where there is doubt, may we bring faith. Where there is despair, may we bring hope, and where there is an empty dish, may we bring Whiskas.”

3. First post-Brexit British car rolls off production line

The future of British car making is secure despite fears it could implode after Brexit. We revealed a photograph of the first car to roll off the production line.

British Brexit car

The car has an impressive spec list, including air conditioning, which is achieved simply by winding down the window.

This story first appeared three years ago but is still getting gazillions of page views.

2. Queen sends Prince Philip to pick up Donald Trump from the airport

In yet another successful ‘Prince Philip driving story’, it was revealed The Queen had asked Prince Philp to pick up Mr Trump from the airport for his state visit.

Palace officials wondered if Her Majesty had some cunning ulterior motive for the kind offer of a lift – but many American readers questioned the story’s validity, insisting Mr Trump would only use his armoured car.

1. Seagull rips off man’s testicle as he sunbathes naked

It may be more than two years old, but this unsavoury story remained the Suffolk Gazette’s best-read story of 2019.

Experts say the fearsome bird mistook the man’s exposed privates as a couple of birds eggs and swooped for a tasty snack.

seagull

So, there you have it, the top 25 Suffolk Gazette stories of 2019. We hope you enjoyed reading them as much as we did in writing and publicising them.

Happy New Year to all our readers, and here’s to wondering what on earth we’ll be reporting on in 2020.

Norfolk banned from competitive Gurning after doping scandal

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Norfolk gurner Bubba Spuckler faces ban (Photo by Jonathan Rolande, CC 2.0)

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

The worldwide anti-doping agency (WADA) has handed down a four-year ban to Norfolk, following repeat doping failures by several leading county gurners.

WADA had originally intended to take action only against specific individuals, however county officials were also implicated via interference with laboratory test results at the most recent Gurning World Championship.

The event, held at Egremont Crab Fair, was once again won by 17-times world gurning champion Tommy Mattinson, who was relieved to have won, despite the cheating by several of the Norfolk-based contestants.

He said: “It takes a lot of training and effort to pull championship-winning faces and I’m horrified that some contestants try to take the easy root to victory.”

The ban means that no athletes can compete under the county name or use the Norfolk County Arms as a visual identifier. The Norfolk county anthem or other songs associated with the county – such as the Singing Postman, will not be allowed either.

The news has disappointed Norfolk-born Queen drummer Roger Taylor, as We are the Champions is now one of the banned pieces of music. However, as has been pointed out by many, this will have no actual impact, as Norfolk have never been champions of anything.

It is believed that individual athletes who can prove they haven’t doped may be allowed to compete but under a neutral banner. Several “honest” Norfolk Gurners have already decided to compete again next year and have decided to use the identifier #notinmyface as their team name.

WADA spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Rules are rules, so Norfolk gurners will simply have to grin and bear it.”

Adnams Ghost Ship spotted on River Orwell

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Adnams ghost ship

The legendary Adnams Ghost Ship has been spotted and photographed for the first time in years, sailing under the Orwell Bridge.

The mystery ship, with 15 lost souls on board, is believed to have gone upriver to spook Ipswich but was terrified by what the town had become, so fled.

Local drinker Pete Wright, said he had been to the pub on Monday night and was staggering home when he saw the extraordinary Ghost Ship sailing past, and took this exclusive photograph.

“The ghostly crew appeared to be celebrating Roger the cabin boy’s birthday. At least that’s what they were shouting, something about Roger the cabin boy.

“Adnams Ghost Ship is a fine beer and named after the legendary ghost ships that appear around the Suffolk coast.

“It was only a matter of time before one came upriver. But instead of giving Ipswich a fright, the crew must have been scared off by ghoulish locals, which isn’t surprising.”

Local paranormal expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “This is the first time the Adnams Ghost Ship has been caught on camera.

“It just goes to show that sometimes great things happen after drinking six pints.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: If you’d like to buy the Suffolk Gazette editor an Adnams beer for Christmas, please go to our Buy Us a Beer page. The Suffolk Gazette is fueled by Adnams.

How to choose a reliable bookmaker for EPL betting?

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The English Premier League is, without a doubt, the most popular football competition in the world. We might even say that the Premiership could be the most popular when it comes to all sports.

With such a reputation, it is normal that EPL attracts bettors from around the globe. According to certain studies, Premiership betting generates higher figures that any other football competition, including the international ones. Of course, the number of games plays an important role there, but either way, the top tier of English football is perfect for placing wagers.

Now, for one punter to bet on some match, he needs to determine where to do that. The process of choosing your bookmaker is maybe the most important thing after making the right picks.

With a reliable and good bookmaker at your disposal,  lots of other things will be much more comfortable, and eventually, you will increase the chances of winning some money. But what needs to be done to find a  good bookie? Which ones are most trusted bookmakers in the UK?

The process of generating the list of the best bookies is very complicated. You’ll need to dig deep and invest a lot of effort while analyzing a vast material. But luckily for you, we already did that.

First of all, you need to check the reputation of the bookie and check whether there is a license issued by the government. That should be the first step in the process. Nobody wants to be a victim of a scam, and this is your safety precaution. State institutions in charge of the betting business have their standards every reliable bookie has to meet. Otherwise, he can’t operate on the market.

Following the safety check, the technical details are on the menu. If you don’t have an account and want to open one, bonuses and promotions need to be a very important factor in your decision. A lot of bookies these days have offers, which include these two features and are linked with the Premiership. Therefore, see which one is the best and the most suitable for you.

Customer service is your connection with the bookmaker; therefore, it has to be impeccable. Many brands have excellent odds and superb promotions, but their relationship with the punters is not at the same level precisely because of poor communication. Also, every trustworthy brand offers fast, precise, and high-quality customer service, and you can easily separate good from the bad ones.

When it comes to actual betting, the thing which attracts most of the punters are the odds. Some have better odds for specific sports, and you’ll need to inform about that. In our case, particularly regarding the Premier League. See which one has the best outright offers, because we know that EPL has numerous things interesting for an outright bet. Will Liverpool win the title? Is Norwich capable of  avoiding relegation? Just think about the amount of potential bets you can take.

For the punters who prefer live-betting, mobile compatibility of the website or the application will be essential. If your brand doesn’t have either of these two, be sure that they aren’t what you need. It is a sign of their mediocrity, and that is something punters don’t like. Having a fast and organized interface in these situations is the most important thing, and there is no compromise with that.

In short, all these factors are helpful when determining which bookie is the best for betting. We’ve supplied you with a list containing a few of them, and now it is up to you to decide.

Can Norwich City win without Teemu Pukki?

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Norwich City need striker Teemu Pukki to score goals. More times than not, when Pukki has scored goals this season for the Canaries, they have picked up Premier League points. Eight of Norwich City’s 12 points this season have come when Pukki has scored at least one goal in a match.

Norwich City fans are hoping for a great escape from the relegation zone. Wolverhampton Wanderers will arrive this weekend as the Canaries seek unlikely points against the Midlands club. Fans can visit BetRivers for the latest bet bonuses before wagering on the team they believe will win the fixture.

The Finnish striker has tallied three assists as well and a further one point has been tallied when Pukki creates a goal-scoring opportunity. That is nine of 12 points that Pukki has been directly responsible for Norwich City obtaining.

With Daniel Farke’s team in 19th-place and three points above the relegation zone, the question is, can Norwich City win without Teemu Pukki?

Will Pukki play versus Wolves?

Pukki suffered a suspected fractured toe against Leicester City last weekend as he led Norwich City to a 1-1 away draw. The striker’s grit and determination showed during the fixture as he played through the pain barrier. Every touch, pass, shot, and step would have sent pain shooting up Pukki’s foot, ankle, and leg. Supporters can use the Fanpromocode during the Premier League’s busy holiday period to get bet bonuses before wagering on the matches. It was revealed this week that the toe is not broken but badly beaten up.

His presence in the side is vital to Norwich City picking up points with Wolverhampton Wanderers arriving on Saturday. Wolves are midtable and have a shot at cracking the top four. Nuno Espirito Santo’s side has played 31 matches in all competitions due to Europa League commitments. The side is fatigued and Norwich City have the opportunity to take points off of Wolverhampton Wanderers this weekend at home. Just three points separate Norwich City from 17th-placed Aston Villa. A win could see the Canaries near a great escape.

The importance of Pukki

Pukki has tallied 53% of Norwich City’s scoring this term. No player in the Premier League’s top 10 scoring chart has been as important for their team statistically as Pukki has been for Norwich City. Arsenal forward Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang has tallied 46% of the team’s scoring which is the second-most in the top 10. However, Arsenal have other players who could step in for Aubameyang. Norwich City do not have the same luxury when it comes to a vice-Pukki in the team.

If Pukki is unable to play on Saturday, or over the holiday period due to his injured toe, Norwich City would be in grave danger. By the time the forward returned from the injury, Norwich City would possibly be too far behind the rest of the league to overcome relegation. That is a thought Norwich City fans do not want to consider at this point.

The striker’s toe may not have been broken last weekend, but damage to it could cause issues down the line. A mis-timed tackle from a Wolves defender could send Pukki to the turf grasping his foot. Norwich City supporters will watch every touch Pukki takes on Saturday with bated breath.

Woman ‘danced naked through village with carrot between buttocks’

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By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

A woman who danced naked through a Suffolk village with a carrot clenched between her buttocks was “only trying to liven things up”, a court heard today.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, had grown tired of the slow pace of village life, so decided to give locals something interesting to talk about, Ipswich Magistrates Court heard.

Fisher, a self-employed artist, stripped off and walked out of her quaint, picture-postcard cottage in Bruisyard, near Framlingham, at 1.30pm on Thursday, October 12, prosecutor Steve Walshe said.

“And if that was not enough, she clenched a six-inch carrot between her buttocks,” he added.

Fisher then began skipping along the lane and past the local pub, where members of the Framlingham Rotary club were enjoying lunch.

One diner, retired bank clerk Royston Beevis, 76, couldn’t believe his eyes when the “shapely” artist paused outside the pub’s front door and then wagged her behind, revealing the protruding orange vegetable.

Mr Walshe said Fisher than danced off up the lane and waved at a passing car before turning around and strolling casually back to her house.

Unfortunately for her, the motorist was the wife of local vicar, the Rev Evan Elpuss, who rang the police as soon as she got back to the vicarage.

Two officers from Woodbridge visited Ms Fisher and found her peeling carrots at her sink, still without any clothes on.

She was arrested and bailed to appear before court today.

Emily Lloyd, representing Fisher, told stunned magistrates that her client did not make a habit of stripping in public.

“She had enjoyed a lunchtime sherry or two and the urge came over her to do something daring,” Ms Lloyd said. “She accepts that the carrot was perhaps a step too far.

“She only wanted to liven up yet another quiet day in rural Suffolk, but would now like to apologise to the court. She promises to remain dressed in future.”

Magistrates fined Fisher £250 for outraging public decency, and ordered her to pay £75 costs.

Fisher refused to comment to the Suffolk Gazette outside of court.