XR protestor kicks an East Ender trying to drag him off a commuter train
The human race will become extinct and the world will implode in a fireball if anyone ever messes with Canning Town again, it has emerged.
Extinction Rebellion protestors realised today there is something far more life-threatening than climate change – the working classes from the East End.
As self-entitled middle-class XR dissenters climbed on the roof of Underground trains at Canning Town, they were soon dragged off and roughed up by the baying locals.
East End historian Lorriane Fisher, 34, said: “Everyone knows you don’t mess with East Enders.
“Quite why Extinction Rebellion thought it was a good idea to hold up commuter trains there when locals were trying to get to work is beyond me.
“People in Canning Town are honest, working-class people who just want to earn a living for their family. Stand in their way and you’re asking for trouble.
“This is what happens when XR protests meet real life.”
Drinking is only remaining Scottish national sport
Scotland’s dismal exit from the Rugby World Cup has confirmed the only sport the nation is good at is drinking.
With Scotland’s football team also failing to impress in the Euro Qualifiers, currently behind even Cyprus, sports fans north of the border have turned to drink.
But what good drinkers they are!
Sports expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Heavy drinking has been a national sport in Scotland for hundreds of years. Scottish men and certainly the women excel at it.
“The English might think they can pack it away, but come on, the Scots have boozing sewn up.
“Just let them have some sporting success with the drinking. It’s all they’ve got.”
Scotland crashed out of the Rugby World Cup today when they were beaten by rugby giants, Japan.
Coleen Rooney will star in Line of Duty after her brilliant detective work allegedly exposed Rebekah Vardy as the source of her Instagram leaks to The Sun.
Wayne Rooney’s missus will join ace detectives Det Sgt Steve Arnott and Det Insp Kate Fleming as they attempt to crack another case of betrayal.
Coleen caused an internet sensation when she alleged Leicester striker Jamie Vardy’s other half was behind leaks to The Sun.
She thought it was one of her private Instagram followers, suspected Rebekah, blocked everyone else and planted some false stories to see if they appeared in the media. With only Rebekah allegedly able to see them, the fake stories duly appeared.
Now her police detective skills have landed her a starring role in the next hit BBC series, where Supt Ted Hastings will no doubt be surprised when she walks into the incident room, declaring: “Mother of God.”
BBC insider Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Executives were impressed with Colleen’s policing skills. It’s this sort of lateral thinking that gets results and, therefore, her appearance in Line of Duty is entirely believable.”
The Suffolk Gazette was unable to get a comment from Colleen, which is surprising because we follow her private Instagram account.
Pizza Express is on the verge of collapse after running out of dough, it has emerged.
The restaurant chain is said to owe £1.1 billion and has called in financial advisers ahead of talks with creditors.
Pizza expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “A company that relies on dough has run out it.
“There may be a chance of restructuring the debt, but it’s just as likely the company could be sliced up.”
Meanwhile, fans are already suggesting that because pizzas are Italian, Brexit is to blame for the crisis.
Idiot Steve Walshe said: “It’s a national disgrace. The Government should step in and nationalise Pizza Express, saving it for the nation.
“It managed to find a fleet of planes to rescue stranded Thomas Cook passengers, so why can’t it get together a fleet of mopeds to carry our pizza deliveries?”
The Suffolk Gazette resolutely refuses to do any more pizza jokes, because that would be too cheesy.
Famous St Helens rugby league fan and comedian Johnny Vegas will be named in the starting line-up alongside his heroes in this season’s Super League Grand Final, as the club look to make a contest of a game that otherwise wouldn’t be.
St Helens reached their first Super League Grand Final since 2014 by thrashing reigning champions Wigan, their third victory over the Warriors this season. If there was any doubt as to just how big a gap there has been between the Saints and the rest of the league this season, they never looked worried against the league’s second-best side during their easy win.
Vegas, a lifelong Saints fan, made an off-the-cuff joke to club officials after a long lunch – one which will now see him line up at hooker in this season’s Grand Final. The 49-year old may not have the pace he was once blessed with, something that came in useful during his time as a door-to-door boiler insurance salesman, but the thought is that Vegas’ experience will see him hold his own against players half his age and double his muscle mass.
Having made his debut for Saints in 2005, when Vegas appeared in Kieron Cunningham’s testimonial, not to mention Sky 1’s Duck Quacks Don’t Echo, the occasion isn’t something expected to trouble the veteran. What will likely give St Helens’ opponents a chance will be later in the game when Vegas may tire, but when you look at this season it’s likely the gap will be big enough by that point that it won’t stop Saints from lifting the trophy.
St Helens, who are now as short as 3/10 to lift the Super League Trophy with the latest rugby league odds, may well be one of the best teams we’ve seen in this league for a while. So much so that there are rumours beginning to circulate suggesting other celebrity fans, actor Ricky Tomlinson and darts player Stephen Bunting, could be named on the bench by head coach Justin Holbrook.
The Australian, who will return to Australia to join the Gold Coast Titans at the end of the season, has always wanted to go out on a high, which could now mean Jim from The Royle Family scoring a last-minute, field-length interception.
While fairness isn’t applicable in sports, this St Helens team has ticked every box this season and couldn’t be in a stronger position heading into this crucial part of the campaign. With Vegas, and potentially Tomlinson and Bunting, in the team, you’d have to say St Helens won’t be quite as strong as they have been for much of the season.
But based on just how big a gap there is between Saints and the rest of the league, you’d have to say it will probably take a lot more than a couple of overweight middle-aged men in their midfield to weaken this team enough to give their opponents even a sniff of walking away from Old Trafford with as champions.
Former Tory leadership hopeful Rory Stewart has revealed “you can’t always get what you want” in politics and quit Parliament.
He now intends to be a full-time Mick Jagger lookalike and earn a respectable living.
He told the Suffolk Gazette: “It’s time to start me up on something new and time is on my side, but it won’t be for much longer.
“Demand for Jagger lookalikes beyond his early-fifties appearance era is low. I’m in my mid-forties now so I’ve still got a good few years left in me.”
With the real Sir Mick being ill recently and unavailable for public appearances, Jagger lookalikes are in high demand right now, so the timing of the career switch couldn’t have been better.
“I completed a training course in lower body and hip movement recently so I’m in good shape now to emulate the moves of The Rolling Stones frontman.
“I’ll miss sessions in the house with Boris, Raab and co, but I have a new stage to strut my stuff on now. I’ll have one farewell speech, the last time.”
Mr Stewart said he was fed-up with stories of Boris Johnson and his little red rooster, and wild horses couldn’t change his mind. Mr Stewart was particularly shocked by recent revelations concerning the Prime Minister and a pushy honky tonk woman from America. “Unlike him, it seems I can’t get no satisfaction,” he lamented.
Within minutes of the announcement, Mr Stewart was cut adrift by the House of Commons IT department, with head of IT operations Lorriane Fisher, 34, demanding he return his laptop and “get off my cloud”.
Mr Stewart was speaking to the Suffolk Gazette over a coffee (white with brown sugar) before retiring for a curry at the Ruby Tuesday in Westminster.
