Edgar the Dragon returns to burn mean villagers (Photo: HBO, Game of Thrones)
The John Lewis Christmas TV advert takes a surprising twist when the dragon grows up and returns to kill all the mean-spirited villagers.
Edgar is widely shunned by locals in the ad because he accidentally sets fire to things. It’s only after gifting them a fiery Christmas pudding that they show him any sort of love or respect.
Enraged by this childhood of loneliness and bullying, especially leading up to Christmas, a grown-up Edgar returns to the village to burn the whole place down.
No longer will anyone dare criticise his fire-breathing antics.
Edgar with his Christmas pud (Photo: screenshot of John Lewis TV ad)
The remarkable true story behind Edgar’s violent return inspired makers of the hit TV show Game of Thrones, where a dragon burns King’s Landing to the ground, slaughtering its residents.
Mother of Dragons Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “They may look cute when they are young, but don’t ever get on the wrong side of a dragon.
“They have a long memory and will come back one day and barbecue you.”
A Norfolk parliamentary constituency with just seven voters is being investigated as a rotten borough, it has emerged.
Downham Market has been the House of Commons seat of Conservative Bubba Spuckler for 27 years – and his family has provided a Member of Parliament there for 265 years.
Rotten Borough
Now questions have been asked because all seven voters are members of the extended Spuckler family, and one of them is a goat.
Lorraine Fisher, 34, a spokesperson for the Electoral Commission said: “We had hoped rotten boroughs were a thing of the past when the English democratic system was rife with corruption, bribery and violent crime.
“We’re not sure how Downham Market escaped our notice until now – perhaps being in the wilds of rural Norfolk was a perfect disguise.”
Vote ‘Mr B’: Election poster backs Bubba
Ms Fisher added: “We’re quite certain that with only seven voters, one of them cloven-hoofed and six others with webbed-feet, and all of them with the same surname, that the democratic process in Downham Market is corrupt.
“Anyone standing against Bubba Spuckler is unlikely to get much support on the hustings, let alone the ballot box, and in all probability will be fed to the pigs.”
General Election
The investigation is expected to be completed before the December 12 general election, and if found to be a rotten borough, the Downham Market seat will be merged with neighbouring Swaffham South, which is much larger with 25 voters.
The United Kingdom has always been at the forefront of careful regulation of the online gambling market, ensuring operators follow strict guidelines to protect players.
Online
casinos, poker, sports betting and bingo are the key platforms used by a
growing number of customers in Britain, and knowing they are playing on a fair
brand, where their money is safe is critical. For the genuine large operators,
like PartyCasino, being licensed in this way gives them the credibility
needed to attract new business.
Online
gambling platforms are licensed in the UK by the UK Gambling Commission, which continues
to tighten rules for operators to follow to make all games safe and fair. Regulations
implemented this year, following extensive public consultation, go further than
ever to protect children by speeding up the customer age and identity
processes.
Safety
for the under 18s
Previously,
online gambling companies were allowed a period of up to 72 hours to carry out
these identity checks, often referred to as KYC – know your customer. The
regulations ensured a customer could not withdraw any winnings until the KYC
checks were complete. If the player was found to be underage, any stakes had to
be returned.
Now,
however, things have been tightened up, meaning the same licensed operators
must complete the identification process before the customer can deposit money
in the first place. It also restricts customers from playing via a free bet or
bonus until KYC is complete.
One
additional step that is well received prevents young people from taking part in
free versions of any online game run under a licence. Of course, this is not
technically gambling because no money changes hands, but the benefits of
restricting minors from accessing these games are clear.
Withdrawal
delays
Players
gamble online partly for fun, but also in the expectation they might win
something. When they do run well on the roulette or blackjack tables, win the
jackpot on a slot, scoop a sports accumulator bet or take down a big-prize
poker tournament, the player is justified to expect to withdraw their winnings
promptly.
However, one
of the gripes filtering through to the Gambling Commission was that some operators have been too slow in paying
out – hitting the player with an unexpected demand for further proof of ID.
Under the cloak of “being responsible”, this makes for a frustrating experience
for players while allowing online businesses to keep hold of their money for a
little longer. Delays like these accounted for 15% of complaints to the
Commission.
The new
rules make clear exactly what process operators must follow to prevent
withdrawal pains. Operators must:
At a minimum, verify a player’s name,
address and date of birth before allowing any form of gambling
If further verification details are
required, this must be done promptly
Make clear to all players what forms
of documentation might be required, when it might be needed and how it can be
sent in. This must all be made clear before any deposit
Make provisions to ensure all
customers’ identity details remain accurate and up to date.
New measures
like this mean the operator not only knows their customers better, preventing
underage gambling and potentially other criminal activity such as money
laundering but it also greatly improves the onboarding experience for genuine
players. Platforms will no longer be able to demand further ID during a cashout
request if that information could have been obtained upon registration.
Firming
up self-exclusion
All
operators licensed by the Gambling Commission sign up to helping to tackle
problem gambling, acting responsibly to identify and act upon those customers
who might have an issue.
Self-exclusion
is one way for players to cut their online gambling, and the Commission has
further tightened ways of preventing self-excluded players from suddenly
placing wagers again. The process will involve resubmission of ID details
before accounts can be activated again.
The UK
Gambling Commission chief executive, Neil McArthur is confident the latest
changes will protect children and vulnerable customers from “gambling-related
harm”. He added: “They will also make gambling fairer by helping consumers
collect their winnings without unnecessary delay.”
Next on the Gambling Commission radar?
The Commission has stated that it is turning its attention to how licence holders interact with a player who may be going through gambling-related harm. One course of action will involve investigating, and seeking the use of, gambling blocking software, which will help ensure problem gamblers cannot find action.
NORFOLK – Norwich City FC, died after a brief illness in the Premier League on Friday night.
Norwich City leaves no trophies and a handful of delusional supporters.
Born in 1920 and raised by local kitchen hand, Delia Smith, Norwich City led a largely undistinguished life before luckboxing it to the Premier League this season.
Unfortunately, while gloating at the fortunes of bigger cousin Ipswich Town, Norwich City became sick and retreated to its care home in Carrow Road, where it suffered a fatal dose of Being Beaten By Bottom Club Watford on Friday night.
Symptoms were debilitating and included Norwich City replacing useless Watford at the bottom of the table. Fortunately, the end was quick and death came within 90 minutes.
It came as a relief to the handful of supporters present at Carrow Road that the death peaceful. You could have heard a pin drop.
The last known photograph of Norwich City is printed below, with the kind permission of the Norwich City Supporters’ Club.
Details of the funeral service will be released shortly. Delia Smith has asked for no flowers, but donations of bottles of wine can be made to her office.
Police fear for the safety of a missionary who has gone missing after venturing into deepest Norfolk to preach the word of God.
The Rev Evan Elpuss has not been seen since last Tuesday when he crossed into the county from the Suffolk town of Beccles.
He had told worried relatives that it was his calling to introduce God to the lawless and backward tribes living across Norfolk.
Traveling alone in the rural backwaters, especially for a man of the cloth, is extremely perilous.
Reports of vicars and priests being hung and even boiled alive in pots and eaten have been rife for years.
Now police in Suffolk fear Rev Elpuss, who comes from Felixstowe, has become a cannibal’s breakfast.
Force spokeswoman Sgt Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It’s like the Middle Ages in parts of rural Norfolk, especially around Downham Market, and local tribes have not taken kindly to strange men turning up with a book trying to preach the word of God.
“We have open files on five missionaries who have gone missing while working north of the border.
“Bones found next to a large cauldron at a settlement near Dereham were found to be human. It’s not difficult to work out what has happened to these poor people.”
Rev Elpuss, 29, has been working as a missionary for five years. There was little God-fearing work to do in Suffolk, so he had to travel wider to seek those who needed support from above.
Parts of Essex and Cambridgeshire was hard enough, but he told his boss, The Rev Neil Cushion, that it was his ambition to create a flock in Norfolk and build the county’s first church.
He left earlier this week with nothing more than his trusty bible and a bicycle and has not been seen since.
A Church of England spokesman said: “Not since the days of avoiding cannibals and vicious tribes in South America, Australia and Africa has missionary work been so dangerous.
“We would urge anyone with information about the whereabouts of the Rev Evan Elpuss to contact police immediately.”
If you love all things car-related then you might decide that you want to open your own garage. Owning a place where people can come to get their cars fixed can provide a real heart to your community whether you are in a tiny village or a major city. Here are some of the best things we know when you are thinking about opening a repairs shop.
Invest in Your Staff
Your staff are going to be some of the most important
support you will have. You need to make sure that you are always going to get
the right people when working there. Trying to recruit the right talent might
be difficult at first. You need to find candidates with a drive to succeed, a
passion for cars of all varieties, and a good working knowledge of mechanics.
They also need to have the right sort of protection. While you will provide protective gear and the correct tools, you’ll also need to ensure both your business and your staff have appropriate motor trade insurance in place. Take a look at quotezone.co.uk to find out more about how much this type of insurance might cost – this website can help you to compare multiple insurance policies so you can find one that suits your budget.
Look at Your Competition
You should always keep tabs on your competitors. If you have
the only garage for miles around, you still need to make sure that you have the
right business practices. Looking at either a national chain or your nearest
competitor is going to give you some ideas about what you could do.
Even if you are not an expert, you need to make sure that
you are using social media and the power of the internet to stay ahead. You
cannot hope to rely solely on passing traffic or word of mouth in the modern
age. Make sure that your website is set up properly so people can find you and
see what services you offer. You might have to go to a company which
specialises in SEO for this but it will be more than worth it when you see
results.
Consider Specialisation
One way to stand out from your competition is to consider
specialisation. While this might be difficult to achieve at first since you
will have to invest in the right equipment, it could be worth it in the long
run.
If you live in a densely populated and affluent area, you
might want to look into servicing high-end cars. Putting together a number of
different packages to help you take care of these impressive cars will
hopefully attract some customers who are happy to return to you time and time
again. They will also be able to help you spread the word to their friends,
possibly attracting you even more business.
Out in the countryside? No problem, you just need to change
the way you specialise. In this scenario, specialising
in farming equipment might be a lucrative option for you. Many farmers will
be able to repair their own equipment but there is always the chance that it
might break beyond their technical knowledge. If you can offer them the
services they require, they might come to you for repairs across lots of
different machinery.
Location is Key
While not as important as it would have been, location is
still key for your garage. You are going to need a big lot with enough space to
store all the cars plus the equipment you will need in the workshop itself. You
should also have an office or reception which is a clean and clear space
compared to the grease of the workshop itself.
These needs can restrict the type of lot you hire but you
still need to make sure that it is precisely right. You also need to consider
access to the property. Having your customers approach down a narrow road is
going to be off-putting. If the garage is located somewhere odd, it might also
make them question whether or not they are in the right place even with clear
instructions on your website.
Plenty of Opportunity
Opening your own garage can be difficult but the challenge
also offers plenty of rewards. There are so many car owners out there and they
all need to have their vehicles maintained at some point. If you can find the
right niche in the market and offer brilliant customer service, there is no
reason why you cannot start your own thriving mechanic shop. The points listed
above are just the start for trying to set up this type of business. Make sure
you fully explore what needs to be done and write a brilliant business plan to
get started!
The fact that the grass is green and the girls are pretty does not necessarily make somewhere a paradise, it has been claimed.
Rock legends Guns N’ Roses insist Paradise City is so-called because it has verdant vegetation and reasonably attractive ladies wandering about.
But now contentment, land of luxury and fulfilment expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, has shocked music fans by claiming singer Axl Rose and pals have rather underestimated paradise.
“It shows how music has been dumbed down,” she explained. “Rock stars will write anything so long as it rhymes.
“But, really, paradise has nothing to do with green grass.
“Paradisiacal notions are often laden with pastoral imagery, and may be cosmogonical or eschatological or both, often compared to the miseries of human civilisation: in paradise, there is only peace, prosperity, and happiness.
“I hope that clears things up.”
Nobody from Guns N Roses was available to comment to the Suffolk Gazette, although guitarist Slash, famous for his top hat, should know what a Paradise City really is.
Liverpool FC fans have learned the hard way that with European victory and Premier League competitiveness comes sleeplessness.
Analysis of
more than 30,000 tweets and posts about sleeplessness by bed retailer Happy Beds
found that football was one of the most popular causes for Brits losing sleep
over the last 12 months, with Liverpool being the most common team amongst Britain’s
insomniacs.
In a tumultuous season where Liverpool won the Champions League – including missing out on the Premier League title – their fans suffered from nighttime stress and poor sleep more than any other.
A look at
the hashtags accompanying tweets about sleeplessness found only #StopBrexit and
#Sleep were more common in 2019 than Liverpool’s club motto #YNWA.
Running a
close second were Tottenham fans, who were the second-most likely team to be
mention in conjunction with tweets about sleeplessness.
The common
ground between Liverpool and Tottenham was the Champions League final, which
had the most competition-specific mentions in sleepless tweets over the
year.
Joy
Richards, Sleep Expert at Happy Beds, said: “At Happy Beds, we believe everyone needs and deserves a good night’s sleep. So, in a bid to help our customers get a better kip, we delved into social data to see what really keeps people up at night.
“Whilst we cannot do much to ease the population’s anxiety over their team’s performance, Happy Beds can provide comfort and support to facilitate sleep.
“Maybe if Liverpool get their 19th league title this year their fans will finally get a good night’s kip.”
To find out
more about the ins-and-outs of what kept us awake at night over the last year,
check out the Happy Beds social insomnia research
directly. It even contains a few tips to help you sleep because, obviously, not
watching football isn’t an option!
