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Police to be dangled from crane to spot crime across town

The Editor
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Police to be dangled from crane to spot crime across town

Police dangle crane

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

A policeman will be dangled from a crane 300 feet above Ipswich town centre in a brilliant new crime-fighting initiative.

The officer will be attached to a special harness and have high-powered binoculars to get a birds-eye view of the whole town, and a torch to see at night.

It means criminals will be spotted easily for miles around, slashing the number of robberies and traffic offences at a stroke.

But while the new plan, to be introduced by Suffolk Police next month, will save a fortune on the number of beat constables required, critics believe they have discovered a flaw.

Civil rights campaigner Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “What happens when the officer hanging from the crane spots a crime in progress? He can’t do anything about it because he’s dangling hundreds of feet in the air. And his colleagues would have been made redundant so he has no back-up.

“It’s a ridiculous idea and just another way of saving money.”

Suffolk Police chiefs are keen to see the crane, which will be erected on the Cornhill, in action. If successful, it will be used in towns across the county.

A police insider told the Suffolk Gazette: “We have been putting a few officers through rigorous training at HQ. They are hauled up by the crane and left dangling there for seven hours at time. They soon get used to it, and have confirmed that while they are up there, they can see a long way away.”

The insider refused to comment when asked what would happen when it is foggy – days which could result in a huge crime wave sweeping Ipswich.

Ipswich, Haverhill and Lowestoft accidentally left off 10 Happiest Places to Live in Britain list

The Editor
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Ipswich, Haverhill and Lowestoft accidentally left off 10 Happiest Places to Live in Britain list
Real Ipswich town centre
Inviting: Ipswich town centre is happy after all

Organisers of the 10 Happiest Places to Live in Britain list have admitted they accidentally missed off Ipswich, Lowestoft and Haverhill.

The three Suffolk towns are all gorgeous, friendly and crime-free – and were marked as all being in the top ten when Rightmove surveyed 22,000 people across the UK.

But an administration error meant none made it to the list that was widely published this week.

Instead, horrendous and grubby places like Hexham in Northumberland, Harrogate in North Yorkshire and Dorset’s Dorchester were celebrated.

Rightmove insider Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “We would like to apologise for missing Ipswich, Haverhill and Lowestoft from the list.

“They were all in the top ten – Ipswich was second – but somehow they all dropped out between the survey ending and publication.”

It is believed a member of staff from Norwich removed the Suffolk towns after being furious that nowhere from Norfolk made the list either.

“I cannot confirm or deny that,” added Ms Fisher.

The published list is (with house price average):

1 Hexham, Northumberland £254K*
2 Harrogate, North Yorkshire £341K
3 Richmond-upon-Thames, London £815K
4 Skipton, North Yorkshire £233K
5 Llandrindod Wells, Powys £145K
6 Altrincham, Gtr Manchester £520K
7 Monmouth, Monmouthshire £310K
8 Dorchester, Dorset £295K
9 Sevenoaks, Kent £684K
10 Southport, Merseyside £209K

However, the actual list should have been:

1 Hexham, Northumberland £254K*
2 Ipswich, Suffolk £589K
3 Harrogate, North Yorkshire £341K
4 Richmond-upon-Thames, London £815K
5 Lowestoft, Suffolk £101K
6 Llandrindod Wells, Powys £145K
7 Monmouth, Monmouthshire £310K
8 Dorchester, Dorset £295K
9 Sevenoaks, Kent £684K
10 Haverhill, Suffolk £63K

How small businesses can make the most of their office space

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How small businesses can make the most of their office space
Nice office space

As you and your team will be spending the majority of your working lives in your office, it’s important that it is optimised for productivity and designed to make your staff feel comfortable.

Organisations with limited office space might find it hard to fit everything they need into their base, but with these tips, you can maximise your space and make the most out of every inch of your office.

Use Space Saving Storage Solutions

When you’ve got limited office space, it’s important that you use it all intelligently so that you can make the most out of all of the space you do have. There are a number of different ways you can maximise your space and make sure that you don’t clutter up your floors and surfaces with all of your business paperwork. Try to find furniture and technology that can be fitted into other storage options when not in use so that you can make the most out of the space you have already.

Get Rid Of Any Unneeded Clutter

It’s always easy to hoard mementoes of your business venture, but this can limit your office space and leave you with less space to work in. As such, it’s important that you take the time to work out what you need and what you can bear to throw away so that you have the room in your office to make new memories, rather than just holding onto the old ones.

Keep Your Space Clean

Dirty offices with surfaces that are not clean and usable are inefficient, so keep your office space clean and tidy. If you and your team struggle to find the time to clean as thoroughly as you would like then work with a specialist office cleaning firm who can make sure that all of your space is clean and fit for your staff to work in. You can learn more about what you can get out of a service like this by visiting this link which will take you to one of the country’s most popular services. 

Go Paperless

Getting rid of paperwork and taking your business online will not only save your firm time and money but also save space and help your business to do its bit for the environment. It also helps your business to comply with regulations and generally offers a wide range of benefits. Try getting an integrated CRM system to help you process all of your business dealings online and save you the space that paperwork used to take up.

Create An Open Workplace

Cubicles, booths and separate office spaces divide your office and make it feel much smaller than it actually is, so consider making your office open plan. This will give the feeling of a larger space and make it easier for your staff to communicate and collaborate.

Rent A Storage Space

For businesses with a lot of stock or additional items to store, leaders should consider renting additional storage space such as a warehouse or space in a business storage centre. Take the time to find the best business storage option that will work for your organisation and leave you with a tidy office space and keep your items safe and secure.

Nellie the elephant on the loose in Suffolk

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Nellie the elephant on the loose in Suffolk
nellie the elephant
Packed her trunk: Nellie the elephant on her Suffolk farm

An elephant called Nellie is on the run after escaping from her private enclosure on a Suffolk farm.

She has been roaming free in the countryside for two days, and police are urging the public to be vigilant.

Nothing has been seen of the 34-year-old female elephant since she escaped from her home near the Lakenheath US airbase on Monday.

Police spokeswoman Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Elephants are quite large and you’d have thought Nellie the elephant would have been spotted by now.

“It’s quite possible she has been grazing contentedly and wandered into nearby Thetford Forest, where it would be difficult to spot her.

“But we and the US military have concerns she may get on the runway at Lakenheath, or drop by the local primary school.”

Potato farmer Maurice Piper is a well-known keeper of animals at his farm near Lakenheath north-west Suffolk.

He told the Suffolk Gazette: “We went to give Nellie her morning feed and water on Tuesday morning and she was gone. She has a two-acre site in which to roam, but we saw one the fences was broken. She must have wandered through.

“The public should not be alarmed if they come across a fully-grown elephant. She won’t cause any harm unless you happen to be driving along when she crosses the A134. An elephant won’t use a zebra crossing.”

Nellie the elephant

Mr Piper, who also keeps a tiger and three monkeys, said he had looked after Nellie for 15 years, ever since she packed her trunk and said goodbye to the circus.

“It’s a bit embarrassing that she has got out,” he added.

Police have sent search teams and used the Suffolk police helicopter to look for Nellie the Elephant, but so far without luck.

Ms Fisher, based at Martlesham police headquarters, concluded: “There is a terrible old joke that says elephants paint their toenails yellow so they can hide upside-down in custard.

“However, there is no evidence to suggest that Nellie is hiding in a giant pot of custard. It’s far more likely she’s happily foraging in Thetford Forest.”

Unexpectedly for sale: 30,000 Toyota Prius cars

The Editor
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Unexpectedly for sale: 30,000 Toyota Prius cars

Used Toyota Prius

FOR SALE!

Owing to unforeseen circumstances, 30,000 used Toyota Prius cars have become available in London.

Even though each of them is under three years old, they have probably had several owners and likely have more than 200,000 miles on the clock.

And they probably smell a little fuzzy inside.

But they normally come with free seat covers and an air freshener hanging from the rear-view mirror.

The hybrid cars may look the ugliest thing on the road, but they are extremely economical.

Buyers will have to put up with Black Cab drivers laughing at them uncontrollably while waving £50 notes in a Harry Enfield ‘Loadsa Money’ fashion.

Each Toyota Prius is available for only £3,000, but a job lot of more than 100 of them could drive the price right down.

Used Toyota Prius

Potential buyers are advised to stand on any street corner in London and flag one of the vehicles down using an app on their mobile phone.

It is likely buyers will be in a tremendous position to haggle with the stressed driver, who has just lost his living, and will be keen to get any cash he can.

Meanwhile, in unrelated news, taxi company Uber is to appeal against Transport For London’s decision not to renew its minicab licence in London.

It leaves millions of Londoners forced to get into more expensive Black Cabs, if one happens to be “going your way, mate”.

Pop-up body armour shop opens in Norwich Road, Ipswich

The Editor
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Pop-up body armour shop opens in Norwich Road, Ipswich
Busting Norwich Road in Ipswich (Photo: Google maps)

There was good news for Ipswich’s beleaguered shopping districts today after a new pop-up store opened in the town’s Norwich Road.

The store specialises in selling body armour and is already doing a roaring trade.

Locals have been flooding into the shop, squeezed between seventeen exotic cafes and nine barbers, after what other local newspapers described only as a “police incident” yesterday.

Suffolk retail expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Body armour has become the must-have present this Christmas, and this new pop-up store is taking full advantage.

“Ipswich people can now walk the streets of the town without fear of being caught up in any sporadic gang warfare, not that this sort of thing goes on in Ipswich, you understand.”

It is believed posh outlet Coes, also on Norwich Road, is watching the new pop-up store with interest and is considering stocking a range of purple moleskin body armour.

Shopping analysts say the body armour range overtook sacks of onions as Norwich Road’s best-selling products within minutes of the pop-up store opening.

The Queen cancels Prince Andrew’s 60th birthday stripogram

The Editor
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The Queen cancels Prince Andrew’s 60th birthday stripogram
Prince Andrew party

By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

The Queen has cancelled a raunchy stripogram booked to appear at the Duke of York’s grand old 60th birthday bash.

Her Majesty was furious when she discovered cheeky pals of wayward Andrew had booked the risque act to appear inside Buckingham Palace on February 19.

Keeper of the Royal Diary Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It would not be fair on the Prince to enjoy a policewoman stripogram, as had originally been intended.

“He’s already said he will cooperate with Jeffrey Epstein investigators, so it might be too close to the bone yet for this kind of party gag.

“Andrew is under pressure and it might be too much for his heart to take, as he’s not in the best of health these days.”

A more appropriate form of entertainment has now been booked – a party package at Pizza Express in Woking.

Meanwhile, palace laundry workers are complaining about the extra workload since the Prince’s sweat glands started working again.

A source said that lots had been drawn to determine who was going to handle the cleaning of his birthday suit, and the unlucky staff member who drew the short straw is thankful that the stripogram after-dinner entertainment has now been cancelled.

Mystery man appears waving at Windsor job centre

The Editor
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Mystery man appears waving at Windsor job centre
prince andrew job centre
Mystery man waves from job centre doorway

Tongues were wagging in Windsor today when a friendly mystery man turned up at the job centre.

The dashing gentleman was very polite and was even seen waving at a pretty passing blonde woman from behind the job centre door.

Our exclusive photograph shows the job-seeker earlier today. He seemed a little worried about being spotted.

Even though he is unemployed and presumably short of cash, the man left the job centre and popped into the Pizza Express next door.

He sprinted inside, but must be fit as he didn’t even break into a sweat.

Unemployed Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “I was at my appointment at the Jobcentre Plus when this man came in.

“He was very polite but clearly had no idea what he was doing. I don’t think he’s been unemployed for long.

“At one point he began waving at women from behind the door. Perhaps he’s just lonely.”

More news as we get it.

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