I woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
My plumber has a strange sense of humour.
Get your next joke in 30 minutes! They may not be the best jokes, but we have to get through the lockdown somehow.
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The lack of traffic and man-made pollution is having extraordinary benefits for the environment, as this picture of Lowestoft today shows.
As streets remain empty and an eery calm returns, the Suffolk resort’s beach and seawater are slowly returning to their beautiful natural state.
The amazing transformation comes after reports and photographs showed the canals in Venice were becoming clear and you could see to the bottom.
Locals are amazed at how beautiful Lowestoft really is, compared with how it normally looks, below.
Environmental expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “You might normally expect Lowestoft to have a dull grey sea, concrete monstrosities and overcast skies.
“But a ban on human activity has allowed the town to revert to its natural state, with turquoise blue seas, cobalt blue skies, exquisite sands, tropical palms and more.
“It just goes to show what a mess we normally make of the place.”
Locals are urged not to go out and enjoy the beautiful scenes until the coronavirus lockdown is over.
Town councillor Mark Solomons said: “You’ll just have to trust us that it looks nice.”
Britain’s women have discovered that drinking wine regularly helps them cope with coronavirus self-isolation.
There is, however, clearly some confusion over how “regularly” the wine should be drunk.
Medics say the odd glass a day could be beneficial for physical health, and will certainly help keep the spirits up.
But woman Lorraine Fisher, 34, said downing two bottles a day was helping her.
“I read alcohol is a good way to combat Covid-19, so I am doing my bit for Britain.
“I’m getting through some lovely reds and roses. I’ll save the white for tonight.
“It’s a little disappointing that the Government has not acknowledged that wine shops are essential. Their staff should be key workers.”
While trips to the shops are being discouraged, women are increasingly looking to buy wine online from places like Suffolk’s Alchemy Wines.
Ms Fisher added: “I’ve ordered a few boxes which should last me well enough.
“Then I’ll do the same next week.”
The coronavirus has been forced into self-isolation after catching deadly Mike Ashley.
Covid-19 was simply out and about getting essential supplies from a Sports Direct shop when it came into contact with the dangerous multi-millionaire businessman.
It must now spend weeks alone in order to prevent others from catching Mike Ashley as well.
Medics say the businessman is the biggest challenge to this nation since World War Two.
Government Health spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Mike Ashley is a very dangerous condition.
“Symptoms are a flagrant disregard for fellow human beings, particularly your staff, a burning desire to make money and an uncommonly large appetite.”
Despite the UK being put into effective lockdown, Sports Direct initially announced it wanted to keep all of its stores open, claiming it was providing a key service to the British public. It even wrote to Boris Johnson for clarification.
But after a massive outcry, it said it would now close its shops.
Everyone who plays casino games will have a favourite, but what one person likes the best might not be what someone else loves to play. Whenever having a discussion about the best casino games, there is always sure to be some disagreement. This is not a problem for seasoned players; they will know their own minds and they will know what is best for them. However, for those who are just starting out and have no idea which games at King Casino are best, it can be extremely confusing. Read on to find out what the casino games are that one must play – you’ll get a much better idea of just what’s on offer, and you’ll discover your true likes and dislikes along the way.
Blackjack is an ever-popular card game that is played in casinos across the world, as well as online. If you enjoy playing a game where you have to interact with others (even if it’s only the dealer when you’re playing alone) then this is a good one for you – if you’re more introverted, of course, you might like to try something else.
Blackjack is popular due to its simplicity. You just have to pull cards and not get over 21 when the numbers are added up. If you do, you are ‘bust’ and are out of the game. You are always going to be playing against the dealer, and sometimes other players depending on where you are and who else is around. But it’s that number 21 that you really have to keep in mind at all times.
Blackjack usually has the lowest house edge in any casino meaning that you have more chance of winning.
Poker is a game that has been around for centuries, but thanks to the digital age, there is now an option to play video poker. This kind of game is similar to a slot machine, but the odds are usually better (which is impressive to start with). Unlike blackjack, there is no need to interact with anyone else, so it can be ideal for those who prefer to be by themselves. Of course, this is not something that will determine the kind of game that someone plays for the most part, but it can help some to decide what they want to do.
Unlike a lot of casino games, video poker relies on skill – at least partly. Although slots and blackjack and other games are all about luck, when playing video poker (and other forms of poker) you need to know what each card means, you need to know how to read your hand and what makes a good hand and what you should definitely just fold with and try again next time. This means that people can feel good about playing poker and understanding all the different rules and nuances.
Despite the fact that craps is the game you most often see depicted in casino scenes or advertisements, and although that iconic image of throwing the two dice after blowing on them for good luck is everywhere, it’s perhaps not the first game you’ll head to when you go to a casino, either physically or online. Other games are more popular, or more understandable.
That said, if you don’t play craps you might well be missing out. Even though some find it intimidating because so many people watch the games as they are played, and because each throw has a different name, and it takes a number of people to run each game, it is still worth trying at least once. If you don’t like it you don’t have to do it again, but you might find that you enjoy it immensely.
Remember, although the rules and gameplay of craps is complicated (we’re not going to sugarcoat it) it really boils down to just one thing; throwing the dice and hoping to roll specific number combinations.
It’s also important to remember that although craps is the game in which you can win hundreds of pounds, dollars, or whatever other currency you might be working in a matter of mere moments, it’s also the one in which you can lose it all again just as quickly. The odds are high, the winning is high, the losses can be high. So it’s not perhaps a game for beginners; if you’ve never played before and you’re thinking of giving it a go, make sure you read up on the rules first and watch other people playing to get an idea of what to expect. Going in blind can cause you a lot of trouble.
All that said, craps is massively fun. It’s exciting. There’s a certain glamour and glitz to it. So, of course, people are always going to play, even if it’s not something that they immediately think of when attending a casino.
There is something about the good old fashioned slots that a casino visitor always loves. At some point, it’s likely they will try their hand at a game or two on a slot machine, even if it’s just to spend the last of their change. However, even though slots might not be considered ‘real’ gambling by those who love the thrill of poker or craps, it is still a well-loved and much-enjoyed way to spend time in a casino.
There are the graphics, to start with. Although online slots are often much more interesting to look at than those standing in casinos, things are changing, and the physical slots are beginning to be designed a lot more eye-catching; they have to be to catch up with the online world, otherwise, everyone would play on their computers and not bother with the physical slot machines at all.
The RTPs on most slot machines are good too, meaning that you can often win your stake back at the very least. Sometimes the prizes are enormous too, especially on games that are linked to others around the country or around the world. It’s not unheard of for players to win many hundreds of thousands or even millions just through playing slots, and sometimes with a very small stake of just a few coins.
Mike Ashley’s Sports Direct stores tried to remain open to thoughtfully offer the coronavirus somewhere to exercise freely.
After Prime Minister Boris Johnson ruled everyone is only allowed out to exercise, Mr Ashley spotted that the poor coronavirus cannot walk a dog or enjoy a bike ride.
So he has decided to unselfishly keep his shops open so the virus can jump around from one member of staff or shopper to another.
Lorraine Fisher, 34, a spokesperson for Sports Direct, said: “We have racks upon racks of cheap Firetrap t-shirts and Lonsdale tracksuits where the coronavirus can lurk after being placed there by the public.
“Then they can hop on to the next hapless person who comes along. It’s the only exercise the virus can get thanks to Mr Johnson’s new lockdown measures.
“Mr Ashley and Sports Direct are doing the public a great service and should be applauded.”
However, Brits were not sure Mr Ashley’s excuse for remaining open will go down well.
Shopper Steve Walshe said: “He’s just a money-grabbing, irresponsible tosspot.”
After a huge public outcry, Sports Direct announced that, despite writing to the Prime Minister asking for clarification if it could open, it would now shut.
If you are finding a tad bit boring playing the slots online by yourself, why not enter one of the many tournaments that are available these days to spice things up a little. One of the benefits of entering one of these tournaments is the fact that many casino operators love to showcase the new games they have to offer at barbadosbingo.com, and what better way to do this than by hosting a tournament.
It was not until pretty recently that players could enter a slot game tournament. Tournaments were reserved for poker players because at the time those were the only casino game tournaments on offer. These days, with the progression of technology, players are able to find tournaments for numerous different games.
It is quite simple to join one of these tournaments and even though they may not hold the same prestige as their poker counterpart, there is something about seeing your name at the top of the leaderboard, even if it is just for a game that is based solely on luck rather than skill.
The best things to look out for when trying to decide on which tournament to enter are the following points. Make sure that the tournament offers players the chance to keep what they win. Most tournaments will be run using the latest games, sometimes this will be the first time the game is being played, it is always nice to be the first to play a game, even if you don’t end up winning the tournament.
Tournaments are usually extremely fast-paced and will keep you on your toes to say the least. The object of the game is simple, spin the reels over and over again and try to make sure that you accumulate more points than your competition. Obviously, your end goal is to make it onto the leaderboard as this is a good indicator that you have done well, whether or not you win the overall tournament.
The best tip that we could offer is this; spin those reels as fast as you possibly can, like your lively-hood depended on it actually. The reason for this is due to the fact that all tournaments have a set time frame of which you need to play in, it goes without saying that the faster you spin, the more spins you will make therefore directly translating into more winning opportunities.
Make sure you read the rules before entering into a competition. Keep an eye out for points such as, is it free or do you need to buy-in. Tournaments that have buy-ins usually offer much better prizes than the free ones.
We think that a deciding factor in which tournament you choose to enter is based on fun, it’s not like anyone likes playing a boring game, so make sure it’s a game you enjoy and full of thrills.
Many tournaments will implement a minimum bet; this means that any spins made under this threshold will not count towards your overall score.
Slot Fighter, Golden Legend, Enchanted Meadow, Diamond Strike, Irish Gold, Blazin’ Buffalo, Golden Ticket and many more tournaments are available, so get online and find that one that tickles your fancy.
The ancient tradition of burning witches could be banned in rural Suffolk as early as next year, it has emerged.
Human rights campaigners have lobbied hard for police and local authorities to clamp down on the fiery public executions.
The rest of Britain banned witch-burning hundreds of years ago, but around five witches are executed in Suffolk each year, mostly in the rural north and west of the county.
Up until now, authorities have turned a blind eye because it’s a tradition going back hundreds of years – and nobody likes witches.
But now civil rights group Witch Watch has forced a rethink. Chairperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Suffolk is the last place in the UK where witches are routinely burnt at the stake.
“One or two drown during dunking trials in The Fens, but burning is barbaric.
“Witch hunts have to come to an end. This isn’t the Middle Ages any more.”
Some rural community leaders and church officials are furious at the move.
The Rev Evan Elpuss, who preaches around the Brandon area in north-west Suffolk, said: “Witch Watch and their cronies are the work of the devil. We’ll still catch and burn witches whether they like it or not.
“The work of the WitchFinder General continues here in Suffolk.”
Suffolk County Council’s rural affairs committee will vote on the witch-burning ban later this summer. If they approve, police have said they will have no choice but to enforce it.
A spokesman said: “If we catch any villagers burning a witch, there will be consequences.”
Currently, anyone found doing so faces a maximum fine of £25 plus £10 compensation to the witch’s family.
It is believed there have been one or two errors with rabble-rousers burning innocent people, including a BT Open Reach engineer who was simply trying to install new-fangled internet functionality in Buttsford.
