Chris Rea was forced to turn back on the M1 (Photo: official YouTube video)
Rock star Chris Rea has been forced to turn around on the M1 and will no longer be driving home for Christmas.
Mr Rea had set off for his Middlesbrough home from London and was singing Driving Home for Christmas in his car when news broke on the radio.
Boris Johnson announced London had moved into Tier 4 and no-one could travel or join another household for Christmas.
Lorraine Fisher, 34, Mr Rea’s spokesperson said: “It put him in quite the pickle. He had just got on to the M1 and was looking forward to the 250-mile journey.
“But he then realised he was not allowed to drive home for Christmas after all. So, he had to turn around near Watford and go back to London again.”
It is not known how Mr Rea will pass the time in London. He might take up chess or poker, but is advised to visit the best poker training sites first.
Comforting mugs
You can buy one of our special mugs from the Dirty Old Goat website, or direct from the list below. We cannot guarantee delivery in time for Christmas – Royal Mail had suggested Monday is the last posting day but there could be delays (maybe Chris Rea getting in the way returning to London)…
Britain’s children have been told to leave out a substantial meal for Santa on Christmas Eve because a measly mince pie flouts the rules.
Kids usually leave out a snack and a glass of sherry for Father Christmas and a carrot for Rudolph, even though that’s a little unfair on the other reindeer.
But this year, for Santa to be allowed anywhere near your home, he must do so while consuming a substantial meal.
Government spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Four scotch eggs should do the trick. He is absolutely not allowed a drink without a substantial meal.
“But a mince pie won’t cut it. It will just encourage the coronavirus to spread and that won’t do.”
Asked whether Santa can cope with tens of millions of substantial meals in one night, Ms Fisher added: “Well he looks like he can put it away.”
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The 15th of November 2020 was a landmark day for Lewis Hamilton as he matched Michael Schumacher’s record of seven Formula One world titles.
It was a momentous day back on the British Isles and the world’s media descended on high-streets across the land to interview Lewis’ proud countrymen. “Can’t be arsed”, was the general response from most of the public, who were far more concerned that Mason Mount was going to start ahead of Jack Grealish during a meaningless international football match on the same day.
But how has it come to this? Why have Hamilton’s countrymen shunned a man who grew up in the slums of Stevenage and brought so much pride to a nation? It’s an absolute disgrace and, if anything, the English public should be down on bended knee thanking Lewis for all he does for the country from his penthouse in the heavily-taxed paradise of Monaco.
Of course, with the Sports Personality of the Year awards coming up, the BBC SPOTY odds tell a different story and make the man who is best friends with Justin Bieber out to be very popular. He is odds on favourite at 8/11 to win it after all. However, we all know, as we face the prospect of having to acquire visas on our European summer holidays from 2021 onwards, what a fool’s game it is predicting the outcome of a public vote.
However, despite the latest positive odds, the public’s indifference to Hamilton’s success isn’t lost on the Formula One driver and neither is the possibility that he may not win BBC’s Sports Personality of the Year award. That’s given that, in reality, he is about as likeable as the neglected toffee finger in the Quality Street packet on Boxing Day.
In fact, the results of a recent YouGov poll have suggested that the British public would vote for former Number 10 adviser Dominic Cummings ahead of Lewis Hamilton if given the choice. It’s unclear if the Great British public knew that Cummings was ineligible for the title as he was not a sportsman. Perhaps they thought his road trip to Barnard Castle automatically qualified him as a professional driver. Who knows?
With this damming poll in mind, the word coming from Hamilton’s camp is that the 35-year-old has already sounded out Donald Trump’s lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, should he not be crowned the winner of the award.
Giuliani, recent star of Borat 2 and Trump’s personal lawyer, has been fighting tooth and nail on behalf of the POTUS in the bid to shine a light on the fact that, in spite of official results and ballots counted, the Donald actually won at the polls.
Hamilton is said to have been exceptionally impressed at Giuliani’s ability to cast doubt over whether the sky is even blue, and feels that he is the right man to help him with SPOTY, once the inevitable voter fraud has taken place. Trump has even weighed in on Lewis’s decision to call in his top dog and has said: “Lewis is a great champion, some say the best champion ever, Lewis makes Michael Schumacher look slower than Joe Biden before his afternoon siesta, and the British public would be making a YUGE mistake should they not vote for him.”
Could Lewis be claiming a victory from the jaws of defeat? Or a victory from the jaws of victory? It’s 2020 – who can predict it?
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With the weather being, well, very wintery now, and Covid-19 is still around causing its usual destruction to almost every part of our lives, not only do we deserve to spend some quality time with the people we love, but we also deserve it to be inside, where it is nice and warm, and there is the opportunity to relax just a little bit.
There is a good chance you have not had much time to spend free with your partner or friends, even if you live with them, but Christmas is very much the time for enjoying each other’s company and quality time, so with that in mind, put aside an evening you can all do (a challenge, we know) and prepare for the perfect indoor date night.
Snug up
Duvet tents are not just for kids; they are absolutely for adults who are tired (or not) of the real world, too – which is why your front room should become a pillow fortress. You are aiming for the feeling that you get when you first get into bed after a long day, but over your whole living room. So, get those duvets combined, accumulate all of the pillows and cushions in the house, and then create something spectacular for your date base.
Get entertained
While there is a good chance many of us would just be happy with the mere prospect of saying in a room-sized bed tent for the whole night as our idea of fun, there is a good chance you might want some entertainment too. Pick your favourite films together, decide on a theme for the night, or make a playlist together you can put on in the background when you chat. There is also a good opportunity here for some card games too!
Grub up
Is any date night complete without food? Absolutely not, and if you happen to be with your other half for the date evening, then why not prepare in advance? A Deliveroo Gift Card from https://www.giftsvouchers.co.uk/gift-cards/deliveroo would make the perfect thing to send to your date to get them excited about date night, especially if the way to their heart is through their stomach! For those who prefer to put an apron on, decide whether you will be cooking in preparation or together, but do not end up falling out about who does the dishes after!
A PowerPoint party
While many of us will almost definitely not equate PowerPoint with a date (we hope), this new trend will be sure to have you laughing your socks off. Perfect for doing with either a bunch of friends or your other half; a PowerPoint party is where a presentation is created on whatever you like and then presented to the room. It can be on the most random or obscure, niche things you love and will guarantee to be a fun, unique evening. What is even better is that for those who are isolating, they don’t have to miss out, as you can also do this socially distanced too!
Britain is bringing HMS Belfast back into service to keep the French out of our fishing waters.
Govt wants gunboat diplomacy to maintain our sovereignty after Brexit.
But he has discovered decades of defence cuts means we have no gunboats.
In a cunning plan, worthy of anything Baldrick came up with in Blackadder, the Prime Minister has ordered HMS Belfast, now a museum piece by Tower Bridge, back into service.
Decommissioned in 1963, the engine room is currently being updated and the 12 six-inch guns greased up in preparation for “giving the French the fright of their lives”.
“Macron’s fishing fleet is in for a shock if it thinks it can hoover up our marine life any more,” claimed a Downing Street insider.
“HMS Belfast will be patrolling our seas ready to blast any filthy feisty Frenchman out of the water.”
But the news has not gone down well in France.
Appropriately named French fisheries minister Madame Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper!
“I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!”
They have been dumped in hedges, canals and gardens across the country – now a supermarket shopping trolley has been found abandoned at the NORTH POLE.
The Lidl trolley is believed to have been stuck in the polar ice and snow for four years.
But mystery surrounds how a lazy shopper got to dump the trolley at the North Pole because he or she was too lazy to take it back to the store.
The trolley, which has begun to sink slowly “nose-first” into the ice, now has the undisputed record for being dumped the furthest away from its shop.
Lidl says the trolley has been identified as originating from its store in Stowmarket, Suffolk and have demanded its return.
It was found at the North Pole by a team of polar explorers from Estonia, who contacted Lidl about their extraordinary find.
“We understand it is about 2,680 miles from Stowmarket to the North Pole, so this trolley has had quite a journey,” expedition leader Aleksander Salumäe said.
“We know people are lazy and can’t be bothered to return trolleys to the supermarket, but this was extraordinary.”
Mr Salumäe, 31, said his team only spotted the trolley because a fearsome polar bear was sniffing around it.
“We had to keep an eye on the bear because it looked hungry and we did not want to become its breakfast.
“Then we spotted the trolley! We hid behind an igloo and waited for the bear to go, then went to have a look. It had the Lidl logo on the bar, so we contacted their headquarters.”
Lidl bosses used the code stamped on the trolley to identify it as originating from the Suffolk store.
Spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “We urge all our customers to return trolleys to our stores once they have finished unloading them.
“We have had them turn up in strange places before, but the North Pole is definitely the strangest.”
Despite sitting third in the League One table, Ipswich boss Paul Lambert has expressed his desire to improve team spirit within the squad on multiple occasions.
As a consequence, the former midfielder has introduced a series of unconventional team-building exercises to the weekly schedule, including a Sunday morning car boot sale at a popular location just off the A12.
Although the Scot’s suggestion was initially met with a fair amount of resistance, the majority of players are now beginning to embrace the chance to flog their unwanted bric-a-brac.
The Tractor Boys have also been assisted by arch-rivals Norwich, who have donated several items in recent weeks including manager Daniel Farke’s entire prog-rock record collection. The German boss, whose side are 29/10 second favourites to win the division in the Championship odds at Betfair, was more than happy to chip in, but his limited edition Emerson, Lake and Palmer 7″ vinyl currently remains unsold.
The Ipswich Town trestle table, which was decorated in club colours, has attracted plenty of interest from local bargain hunters with a number of items including Emyr Huws’ coal scuttle and Freddie Sears’ Hot Wheels collection having sparked an unexpected bidding war.
Stephen Ward, who was signed from Stoke in mid-August, has enjoyed the most success so far. The defender has sold several high-ticket items including a brass candelabra, a VHS player and a silk cravat signed by musician Lenny Kravitz. The Irishman managed to raise just shy of £400 throughout November, with all of the proceeds being donated to ‘Cash for Asses’, a local charity which specialises in re-homing Suffolk-based donkeys.
Although some of his teammates have attributed his success at the sales to his natural Irish charm, the 35-year old is a self-confessed Bargain Hunt devotee, and freely admits that he has picked up a variety of techniques from the long-running BBC1 daytime show.
With previous team bonding exercises such as life drawing and crocheting having failed to hit the mark, Lambert will undoubtedly be pleased with the reaction to his latest suggestion.
Kane Vincent-Young, who has recently returned to training following an achilles injury has admitted that he had never previously heard of the concept, however, he’s fully embracing the chance to declutter his conservatory. The 24-year old has even suggested the idea to a handful of his former Colchester United teammates.
Following a three-match winless run, Ipswich got back to winning ways on December 5th at Home Park, Plymouth. During his post-match press conference, Lambert highlighted the increased togetherness and unity within the squad. The 51-year old told reporters that “being huddled around a wonky trestle table on a windy Sunday morning has undoubtedly helped my players to bond”, before going on to add that it has also instilled “some much-needed healthy competition” within the camp.
? The highlights from yesterday afternoon's 2-1 victory at Plymouth.
Ipswich aren’t the only League One side to eschew traditional training sessions in favour of more unconventional methods. Fleetwood manager Joey Barton has recently sent his players litter picking, whilst Portsmouth boss Kenny Jackett regularly asks his squad to shadow local morris dancing troupes.
It remains to be seen whether the Suffolk club will continue this practice throughout 2021, however, on current evidence, it appears to be working. The players are clearly relishing the opportunity to have a decent clearout, and the Ipswich fans have enjoyed the chance to rifle through the unwanted belongings of their footballing heroes.
You won’t find these at a car boot
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Ambitious plans have been announced to transform the sleepy Suffolk market town of Sudbury into a leisure and entertainment mecca to rival Las Vegas.
Often called “The Jewel of the Stour Valley”, in recent years Sudbury has started to lose some of its lustre, something the initiative backed wholeheartedly by Suffolk County Council hopes to reverse.
The plan, which is anticipated to be put into action as soon as 2029, will see large areas of the town demolished to make way for a number of super casinos and an 80,000 seater entertainment centre. The latter will be located where the Quay Theatre currently stands and will represent a considerable increase in its current 125-seat capacity.
Viva Las Sudbury!
Other features that are hoped will draw in visitors not just from East Anglia but from across the world will be half-size recreations of both the Hanging Gardens of Babylon and Pompeii before its devastation in 79AD.
Lorraine Fisher, 34, Gurney, a councillor for the Great Cornard ward, told reporters at the press launch of the proposals: “Up until now, the major draw for visitors to Sudbury has been the twice-weekly market along with the chance to see the birthplace of Thomas Gainsborough.
“While these are undoubtedly appealing to certain sectors of society, they will be knocked into a cocked hat by the attractions we have planned.”
Las Vegas in Nevada (Photo: Google)
The announcement has received mixed reactions from Sudbury residents whose opinions have been canvassed. Car parking is an obvious issue with the feeling that it’s often hard enough to find a space in the town even without the additional 3 million visitors projected to arrive each year.
Standing room only
It also seems like the 237, 700, 751 bus services will be overwhelmed by the influx of visitors, with probably no seats available for anyone attempting to board in Glemsford or Long Melford.
Many local residents have expressed scepticism as to whether there really is even a need for casinos in Sudbury. One gentleman, Roger Scoffit, has written to the Suffolk Free Press. He claimed that, while land-based casinos have their place in certain locations, when people want to find casinos in Sudbury they generally turn to an article by Bonusfinder UK, where they can easily identify the online casinos offering the best bonuses and offers.
He added: “Moreover, I can play from the comfort of my Borley home without having to dress up in my Sunday best as if I was heading into the bright lights of Ipswich for the night.”
Restaurateurs are also concerned that their trade may be affected when resort hotels offering international cuisine 24 hours a day become a feature of the town. One, who asked to remain anonymous, has gone on the record as saying that this could make the last earthquake to hit the town’s restaurant scene, the opening of the McDonalds on the Chilton Industrial Estate, seem like a storm in a teacup.
So, it seems like there may be many obstacles to overcome before everyone gives the green light to the plans. But rest assured that the more forward-thinking Haverhill will be keen to seize on the opportunity if a new location is required.
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