Wednesday, April 30, 2025
Home Blog Page 215

Gunnersaurus to retrain as Prime Minister

0

After yet another botched Government communication, this time suggesting cultural stars could retrain during COVID-19, Gunnersaurus is set to become Prime Minister.

The former Arsenal mascot, a victim of coronavirus-related cuts at the Premier League club, is taking up the Government advice to train for a new career.

Mascot manager Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Gunnersaurus has had a lot of public sympathy after losing his job during COVID-19.

“He has decided to retrain like the Government advises, and will now become Prime Minister.

“He certainly can’t do much worse than the dinosaurs currently in Downing Street.”

A Government poster caused outrage this morning, suggesting ballet dancer ‘Fatima’s next job could be in cyber, but she just doesn’t know it yet’.

Buy a mug now

Our mugs are jolly good products, delivered in just a few days and ideal for your lovely kitchen or as a gift (get early Christmas shopping!). Buy direct below, or visit the dirtyoldgoat.com website to view the collections…

Ipswich Town injury list prompts new training ground hospital wing

0
The new Ipswich Town FC medical room
The new medical room at Ipswich Town FC

This is the new Ipswich Town medical centre, opened this week to cope with unprecedented numbers of injuries.

The squad is being decimated by one injury after another, with midfielder Cole Skuse the latest to be out for three months with a freak knee injury.

The unit at Town’s Playford Road training ground fits 30 beds with a nursing station. It is already full.

Our exclusive picture shows striker James Norwood in the first bed on the left, with new injury worry Cole Skuse next to him.

Ipswich’s injury list is getting a little silly now:

  • Cole Skuse, knee, three months
  • James Norwood, hamstring, seven weeks
  • Stephen Ward, Achilles, one week
  • Flynn Downs, knee, two months
  • Kane Vincent-Young, Achilles, two months
  • Tristan Nydam, ankle, two months
  • Aaron Drinan, thigh, two months
  • Ben Morris, knee, out for the season
  • Luke Woolfenden, groin, just back to training
  • Kayden Jackson, groin, just back to training

Sporting medical expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, “Ipswich seem to be having a spot of bad luck with injuries.

“It is good to see club owner Marcus Evans has invested in this hospital wing at the training ground to look after the poor players.”

Here is a nice football mug

Yes, it’s a nice Uppa Towen mug. Is it too early to mention Christmas? Buy direct below, or see lots of mugs at our partner DirtyOldGoat.com



Mike Pence fly says it has never been so embarrassed

0
Lorraine on the Vice President’s head

The fly that landed on Vice President Mike Pence’s head during the US election television debate has admitted it was a terrible mistake.

Viewers watched transfixed as the insect arrived on set, landed on Pence’s head and refused to budge.

Fly Lorraine Fisher, 34, in her first interview since the incident watched by millions prior to the election of 2020, said: “I made a mistake.

“I was buzzing around looking for something to eat and smelt something off. It looked like a white dog poo. You don’t see many of those these days, so I went to investigate.

“Once I landed, I got my legs stuck on the Vice President’s hair lacquer. When you have six legs, that’s a problem.

“Anyway, I couldn’t get away and there I was in front of the cameras for everyone to see.

“Some people get a buzz from being on TV but I hated it. It was so embarrassing.”

The Mike Pence fly
Lorraine the fly in happier times

Told that her appearance was the most compelling thing about the Vice Presidential debate, Lorraine added: “You think that was extraordinary? Let me tell you I laid 100 eggs on that man’s head. Wait until he wakes up tomorrow.”

But Lorraine is now worried about COVID-19. She will be tested today and hopes to get the all-clear after her close brush with Donald Trump’s running mate.

Buy an early Christmas gift

Our selection of mugs is ideal for drinking from while you watch your favourite political debate. Buy direct below or visit the Dirty Old Goat mugs website

COVID-19 forces closure of Norfolk community washing baths

0
Downham Market community washing bath

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Norfolk’s community washing baths, used by yokels for centuries to attempt some semblance of cleanliness, are closing because of the coronavirus.

Local councils kept the washing facilities open for as long as possible, but cases of infection are rising.

Norfolk people like to wash each other in community baths once a month – a tradition going back centuries.

With no running water in most local hovels, it’s the only wash most Norfolk people get.

Now there are fears that while they cannot now catch COVID at the baths, they will simply die in their own filth.

One of the biggest community washing baths is in Downham Market and is pictured at the top of this page.

It allows up to 50 naked peasants at a time, male and female, although it’s sometimes difficult to tell the difference.

Suffolk public health inspector Lorraine Fisher, 34, explained: “It’s hard for the rest of us to comprehend why these places still exist.

“It’s like something from the Middle Ages. But Norfolk people like this way to get their monthly wash.”

The Government has ordered all 25 of the county’s communal washing baths to shut tomorrow, meaning there will be something of a rush on today.

Local man Bubba Spuckler, who lives with his sister and their eight children, said: “Luckily I had a wash two weeks ago, so this doesn’t affect me at all.”

Buy a Suffolk or Norfolk mug

The Suffolk Gazette adores Norfolk and its people. So much so that we made some mugs for them. Buy one below, a great Christmas gift, or visit our pottery site Dirty Old Goat mugs.

New AC/DC single restores some order to 2020 at last

0

By Simon Young, Editor (no relation to Angus)

The madness of 2020 finally sees some normality return today as legendary rockers AC/DC release their first single since 2014.

Fans are reassured the classic guitar riff sound is as strong as ever – and allows us all to forget about COVID-19, politics, jobs and Donald Trump for three minutes and five seconds.

More if you play it on loop.

AC/DC biographer Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “We’ve waited since 2014 for a new AC/DC single. Shot in the Dark is the band at its best. Listen now, with the volume up high, and forget about what a sh*t time we’re all having.”

Guitarist Angus Young used the song’s launch to pay tribute to musician Eddie Van Halen, who died yesterday.

Shot in the Dark is the first single since Angus’ elder brother, Malcolm Young, who had been with the band since launching in 1973, died in 2017.

Sort some early Christmas gifts

Why not get one or two Christmas gifts in early with our DirtyOldGoat.com mugs? Visit the website direct or buy from one of the beauties below…

The demise of Belle Vue Stadium

0
Greyhound racing

For over 40 years, Belle Vue Stadium stood proudly as the home of greyhound racing in Greater Manchester – ever since the Albion Greyhound Racecourse in Salford was forced to close in 1976.

But sadly, in what has been a difficult year for many industries, Belle Vue has had to follow suit and shut its doors.

A statement from the Arena Racing Company said: “As a stadium that relies heavily on attendance, catering and hospitality, the national lockdown has had a particularly negative effect on Belle Vue, with racing behind closed doors simply unable to sustain the business.

“The significant uncertainty over the return of crowds to live sporting venues means that, despite exploring every avenue, there is no choice but to confirm closure.”

Punters can no longer expect to see the stadium and its races listed on bet exchange sites – and for those in the North West, there is nowhere to go to see the dogs, with White City and Bolton also no longer in existence for some time. It was the first purpose-built dog track in the country – and was considered the biggest, too.

A long history

Belle Vue opened in 1926 when more than 1,700 people were in attendance at the first meeting. That day, six races took place, each featuring seven dogs. A greyhound called Mistley won the opening race – and 50 years later, a stand was named after the historic winner.

The following year, the stadium began to attract many more fans – as many as 70,000 a week. That same time, the Northern Flat was introduced as the first major event – and Belle Vue went on to host many more important races and competitions over the years. Post-war, the stadium hosted the Greyhound Derby for the first time in 1964. Before also becoming home to the classic race, Cesarewitch.

Iconic races

The Scurry Gold Cup was hosted at Belle Vue for a decade between 2009 and 2019, having been raced at various stadia over the years. Winner of last year’s Trainers Championship, Angela Gorton was also successful at Belle Vue, with Droopys Reel winning the Gold Cup, over a distance of 260m. It has since been moved to Harlow.

The Laurels is an original classic competition, that too has been raced in numerous stadia. It moved to Belle Vue in 1998 and remained there until 2017 when it was then transferred to Newcastle. The Laurels has been raced at various distances – from as short as 460m, up to 480m, as it raced today. Having first been run in 1930, it is one of the earliest competitions, and thus, is very prestigious.

The Oaks was originally raced in 1927 at White City – and it wasn’t until 1939 that it gained classic status, becoming the seventh classic. It was moved to Belle Vue in 2013, but sadly the Manchester stadium only held five editions of the race, before it was moved to Swindon, following the closure of Towcester Racecourse. To this day, it’s an iconic race, only open to bitches.

The future?

At the end of last year, it was announced that the land would be demolished and a housing estate would be built on the site. It would be a sorry end for years of history and what is such a big part of the community. However, it’s believed that campaigners are battling to save Belle Vue. Chair of the Friends of Belle Vue Stadium, Simon Walmsley told the Manchester Evening News: “Whilst it is very early days in the process, it is encouraging to know that there is keen interest in seeing the stadium continue which is what we’ve worked hard to protect”.

He continued: “This is one of the best-situated tracks in the country in terms of bringing in crowds – we were still very busy pre-lockdown as the crowds were good.”

Kim Jong-un advises Trump to tone down the stage management a bit

0
Trump to press nuclear button

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un thinks President Trump is taking his illness stage management to realms of make-believe.

He has sent an urgent dispatch to the White House advising him to tone down the staged appearances because they are simply too unbelievable.

Mr Jong-un, a world expert on making things seem marvelous, was stunned to watch Mr Trump’s performances in hospital, followed by his balcony appearance on the White House.

A North Korean regime insider said: “Our glorious leader makes everything in North Korea look perfect, even when he’s supposedly dead.

“Hundreds of minions hanging on his every word, writing everything he says down in little notebooks, sets just the right image.

“But these Trump appearances are beyond parody. Glorious leader has advised his to dial back on it a bit.”

White House insider Lorraine Fisher, 34, replied: “The President is very well and in complete control. You did not notice him struggling to breathe on the balcony, being unsteady on his feet, looking worried or, er, trying to suppress a cough.”

Meanwhile, mug sales are going well

The Suffolk Gazette economy continues to grow as readers snap up early Christmas gifts from our store. Visit DirtyOldGoat.com mugs for the full seleciton, or buy a topical mug from the ones below…

5 reasons why people love private number plates

0
private number plates

There are plenty of reasons people love custom number plates, and it seems to be a continuously popular trend that car enthusiasts gush over.

Adding a custom number plate to your vehicle can add a lot of class or uniqueness that is difficult to do without spending a lot of money elsewhere. It can also bring added value to your automobile along with these other benefits.

They’re affordable and easy to obtain

Number plates are really affordable and can often cost less than $100 dollars if you’re looking for a registration that hasn’t already been bought. As another positive, getting a number plate is easy because you can get one when you renew your licence or online on websites that usually have hundreds of private number plates. Online retailers often have rare plates you can’t find anywhere else, so they’re worth a look if you want a unique piece for your vehicle. 

Keeps your vehicle original

The most attractive thing that pulled enthusiasts to number plates is their originality. Once a private number plate is registered, there can’t be another one like it. Someone else may try to mimic your licence plate by using a number that looks like a letter (1 for L, or 5 for S), but there will never be another plate precisely like yours. On top of that, you can look at your licence plate as an investment. Since your car will be original with that licence plate on it, you can sell your vehicle at a higher price than what you initially would without it.

You’ll always remember your plate number

As much as some of us would like to remember our plate number, it seems to always slip our minds when we need it. Paying for parking can be frustrating if you have to constantly run back to your vehicle or write down your plate so you won’t forget it by the time you reach the machine. With a unique licence plate number, you’ll never forget it when you need to renew your licence, pay for parking, or handle any other transaction related to your car.

Makes your car look new

Before you know it, your car will start to show its age. Your licence plate will likely look older faster than the rest of your vehicle because they can be difficult to clean, or the paint might start to chip off as time goes on. On top of that, those registration stickers will begin to add up – making it look like you’ve owned the car for ages. A new number plate will effectively remove multiple years off your car, and make it look well-taken care of.

A creative way to show your brand

If you have your own business, it can be difficult to market it while you’re not on the internet. Many companies have started to incorporate their branding with their private number plates, which is a cheap and effective way to draw attention to your product. Now all you need to do is add a few stickers to your window or bumper to fully market whatever you’re selling, and you’re golden. Just don’t overdo it!