Due to high gas prices, the citizens of Norfolk are getting creative when it comes to public transportation. A very first Uber spotted in Norfolk.
Tractors and sofas have risen 400% in the last quarter because Uber drivers are using tractors instead of regular vehicles.
You don’t need a special kind of license to drive the tractors, just your normal automobile license. You can also put the tractor under your normal vehicle insurance policy.
After first Uber spotted in Norfolk, Uber drivers have stated that sometimes it can take up to 5 hours to drive 10 miles because the tractor only goes 2 miles an hour. But it is better than paying for the over priced gas.
And when it comes to maintenance, a technician will come to you to service your tractor while you rest in the comfort of your own home.
Lorraine Fisher, 34, is the owner of a tractor company. She had this to say,
“We lease the tractors fully equipped with couches to Uber drivers. Our patented tractors run on Komodo Dragon urine. We made a business deal with Komodo Dragon breeders to sell us the urine at a reasonable price.”
Fisher later stated that her next project will be to build fully reusable rockets that run on Komodo Dragon urine.
Elon Musk might have some competition after first Uber spotted in Norfolk.
Ukraine will not host next year’s competition despite winning this year’s because of the ongoing conflict in the country. Other countries are going to bid to host the 2023 Eurovision Song.
It was announced that the European Broadcasting Union (EBU) would be looking for a different country to host the event in 2023.
The UK has hosted the competition nine times.
In order to host the event, every city is required to meet a minimum criteria, such as being close to an international airport and the resources. Hotel space to accommodate at least 2,000 delegates, journalists and spectators.
The venue has to have a capacity of a minimum of 10,000 spectators.
Other cities that have shown an interest in the competition are willing to bid are New Castle, London Aberdeen, Manchester, Liverpool, CardiffLeeds, Birmingham, Glasgow, Belfast, Bristol, and Ipswich.
Lorraine Fisher, 34, is a vocal coach for dogs. She was born in Ipswich. She had this to say, “I really hope they can allow dogs to compete. Either way I am really excited that my home city canplace a bid to host the next Eurovisioin singing contest.”
The EBU said that in the worst case scenario, we will do the event via zoom. That way everyone can get “front row seats” to the 2023 Eurovision Singing Contest after bid to host the 2023 Eurovision Song
John Jeffs, 74 was caught performing sexual act with a HENRY HOOVER in church while wearing ladies stockings. He claims that the only reason he did it was because his diabetes wasn’t properly medicated.
This happened in Middleton Cheney, Northamptonshire where he was working as a pastoral manager at a christian faith based group. He was in his office when a church goer spotted him standing by the hoover as it was positioned up between two chairs.
The witness walked past and said Jeffs knew he was being watched but continued to perform the sex act with a Hoover because he was feeling ‘naughty’.
Jeff’s solicitor told the court that the retired vet was going through a hard time because he was mourning the death of his wife, ignoring his health, and his diabetes was not medicated.
John Jeffs had to pay £845 in court fees and £200 in compensation to the witness.
He has been placed on the sex offenders list.
Conclusion:
Lorraine Fisher, 34, vacuum engineer had this to say, “Any retired vet from now on has to present a special license to buy a hoover.”
She also stated, “This is something that a teenager would do. I guess we turn into kids when we are old. When you’re young you can blame it on the alcohol. when you’re old you can blame it on the diabetes medication.”
It seems like it was only yesterday when Manchester City were crowned BPL champions for the second year in a row, an eighth title for the Citizens. The Community Shield final between City and Liverpool will be decided very soon, after which the first match of the 2022/2023 English Premier League season will be mere days away.
The first whistle of this season will sound on August 5 as Crystal Palace welcomes Arsenal. The Gunners have not won the trophy since their heroics in 2003–04 when they triumphed in the Premier League under Arsene Wenger without a single defeat that season. Since then, the club has won the FA Cup five times and lifted the Community Shield four times, but the ultimate domestic title has eluded them, with the team failing to finish in the top four for the past six seasons. Will this season prove more optimistic for the Gunners?
Close Call in 2021/2022
Mikel Arteta’s team had a very real chance of finishing among the first four of the EPL last season but missed the mark. As of May, the Londoners had recorded a four-match winning streak, including a 3-1 win against Manchester United, before losing 3-0 to city rivals Tottenham. Another loss followed, this time to Newcastle, which generally put in strong doubt Arsenal’s chances of qualifying in a position to play for the Champions League. In their last game, the Gunners cruised past Everton 5-1 but ultimately failed to finish in the top four.
Overall, last season for the Gunners was accompanied by a number of ups and downs. The team started poorly, recording three consecutive defeats in their first three matches. In the end, the London side finished fifth, out of the Champions League places, but enough to earn a spot in the Europa League groups and far better than a disappointing eighth in 2020-21.
Wenger Set the Bar High
After the Wenger era, the team’s regular participation in the Champions League is no longer part of Arsenal’s legacy, which is sure to frustrate the team and its fans. The last time the Gunners took part in the Champions League was during Wenger’s penultimate season in 2016-2017.
Even before the final standings for last season’s Premier League were decided, Mikel Arteta said it would be disappointing if Arsenal failed to finish in the top four, given the statistical chances they had until almost the very end of the championship.
Better Times Ahead?
All that is now in the past, and the question of whether Arsenal will be able to enter the top four in the upcoming season is on the agenda. It will certainly not be an easy year for any of the top teams, given the fierce competition at the top and the extra workload some players will experience alongside the World Cup. There is a promise for great football spectacles by the end of the year, and fans looking to watch Arsenal live can click here to conveniently buy their tickets for any of Gunner’s games this season.
If the team’s performance in recent years is any indicator, it will be a herculean effort for them to finish in the top four of the Premier League, but not at all unachievable. More than once, the Londoners have proven that they are a tough team and can withstand periods of crisis. The Gunners’ squad is still in the process of being formed and growing, but it’s entirely possible that it won’t take much longer for the team to reach the high bar that Wenger had set after 19 years at the helm.
The met office has issued 3 amber warnings for extreme heat in the next couple of days. Don’t confuse “amber warning” with “amber alert”. The first one is about the “elements” being hot in England and Wales, and the other is about a sick person thinking kids have hot “elements” resulting in abductions in the USA.
A typical British summer looks like rain and grey skies. But not this year.
Warning for extreme heat:
From July 17 to July 26, forecasters are predicting that the UK’s record temperatures of 38 degrees C could be surpassed with a heat wave sent from Luciferhimself.
Experts believe his son, Lucius Baphomithecus messed with the thermostat while Lucifer was tipping the food delivery guy.
Forecasters are predicting that the temperature can climb as high as 35C.
However, after Wednesday, the met office predicts that temperatures will begin to stabilize bringing Suffolk’s heat wave to an end.
Editor’s finding:
For many British citizens, this presents the perfect time to go to the beach and soak up the rays and Vitamin D.
For others, they might want to find a lido and relax with their friends and family.
However, this weather can pose a serious health risk for children and the elderly. It’s best to look after your loved ones if you believe the scorching weather will be harmful to them.
We interviewed a retired weather lady to shine a bright sunlight on these conditions.
Lorraine Fisher, 34 is professional sun watcher and a retired hurricane hunter.
She spends her days staring directly at the sun in order to gauge how harmful it will be.
Fisher stated, “eventually the sun will blow up and I want to watch the exact moment it happens”.
Her record is 40 days. 40 degrees Celsius is about the same temperature human eyeballs melt.
During her stay in Dubai, she said it can reach 121-126 degrees F, following Warning for extreme heat.
She remarked,
“You can’t do jumping jacks outside without having a heat stroke.”
“You can’t touch your car door handle without getting 2nd degree burns.”
“It’s no surprise that they have the deepest swimming pool over there”
Conclusion:
Researchers suggest that the heat will kill the COVID virus. When humans get sick, they get a fever.
The body will increase its temperature. That’s the body’s way of getting rid of the virus because they can’t survive in hot conditions.
The heat however will not kill insects.
Since they are cold-blooded, they will thrive in the heat.
Scientists did a rough calculation stating that the insect population as a whole weighs the same as all the humans in the world combined.
So for the next couple of days and after the warning for extreme heat, you will see an increased amount of insects but a decreased amount of COVID cases. It’s a decent trade off.
A small smooth hound shark was spotted in the River Stour near Manningtree by locals.
Essex Wildlife Trust spokesman said that based on the videos, “it seems like this is a smooth-hound shark”.
These sharks have evolved with rigid teeth because they love feeding on crustaceans which have hard shells.
Do smooth-hound sharks bite humans?
Well, due to their small size and preference for O blood type, they might be considered harmless to humans. They can be seen in aquariums due to their extreme adaptability to living under human care and supervision.
What was this shark doing in this river and how did it even get there, some might wonder?
A “hound dog” and “hound shark” can be interpreted as a “promiscuous” individual.
Since it is a “hound shark”, much like a hound dog, reports say that it was looking for his next victim to “woo” and “seduce”.
Even though they are small in stature, they are the ultimate Alpha Males of the ocean.
They are also known as bully sharks.
An interview with Hammerhead Shark:
An anonymous Hammerhead shark came forth and gave a brief testimony to Suffolk Gazette
Hammerhead shark said that these hound sharks like to make fun of us by saying that we look like we are missing a chromosome. He said we look kinda down “syndromyish”.
Hammerhead sharks would probably make the worst patients when it comes to their eye doctor appointments due to their lack of equipment capable of measuring and assessing their weird cranial anatomy.
Hound sharks are known to be the ultimate “ladies man” of the water. Some sharks can reach speeds of up to 46 miles per hour which is like having a Lamborghini under the sea.
When they pull up in their “Phat Whip” they often show off their ultra smooth skin to the ladies who use designer skin products.
How do sharks get such smooth skin without any designer skin products ?
Well we have someone who might be able to answer some of the most puzzling questions regarding these strange creatures.
Lorraine Fisher, 34 is a shark expert and world renowned shark tooth fairy.
Many people do not know this but she was in Steven Spielberg’s film Jaws. She was inside the large, prosthetic, operating the shark. This is why the movie did so well.
Sink your teeth into that film buffs.
Sharks have the ability to regrow their teeth almost on command. It is said that sharks can replace thousands of teeth where us humans only have a fixed number of teeth.
This is the primary reason why Fisher retired from being a shark tooth fairy because she was working 89 hours a week to salvage the teeth.
Conclusion:
If you ever see one of these sharks along the local coastlines, and you see that it is visibly uncomfortable, don’t try to capture it or eat it, just call 101 and ask for the wildlife police.
In this instance, just admire it from a distance and consider yourself lucky that you encountered such a beautiful creature outside of its normal habitat.
Durham fisherman gets sad as he could not get crabs from river tees.
First COVID-19, then World War 3, then Amber Heard’s dog stepped on a bee, and now we can’t even get crabs.
What’s next, Elon Musk’s neuralink chip is going to display ads in our dreams? What is going on in 2022?
The Actual Tragedy:
Carcasses of thousands of crabs have been found on the coast near the River Tees. Durham Fishermen fear for the future as lobsters and crabs were found washed up off the North East’s coast.
Lorraine Fisher, 34, is a retired pirate and crustacean expert. She is also the author of “That Was Such A Moby Dick Move Sir” and “Moses found Aquaman when parting the sea and kept it a secret”.
Fisher says, “This kind of stuff happens when crabs and lobsters simply get tired of being in the water. You just kind of need a break sometimes ya know” Fisher later stated that she believes that there are secret societies out there that are killing sea life. These societies are severely allergic to seafood.
The Findings:
Lorraine Fisher, 34, is a retired pirate and crustacean expert. She is also the author of “That Was Such A Moby Dick Move Sir” and “Moses found Aquaman when parting the sea and kept it a secret”.
Fisher says, “This kind of stuff happens when crabs and lobsters simply get tired of being in the water. You just kind of need a break sometimes ya know” Fisher later stated that she believes that there are secret societies out there that are killing sea life. These societies are severely allergic to seafood.
Fisher now spends her time consulting with the writers of “Spongebob Squarepants” in order to make the show more believable. She offers invaluable insights about life in the ocean.
The Conclusion:
Fisherman Paul Widdowfield, from Hartlepool, said he had caught “nothing at all” since October. “It’s been abysmal,” he told Suffolk Gazette, adding he had had to let two crew members go.
His son Jamie said: “It’s heart-breaking really. I think by the end of summer if Durham fisherman can’t find a fishing ground I’ll be out of a job.”
Being publicly humiliated in front of the entire world wasn’t enough and she also needed to rub salt into her wounds that’s probably why Amber Heard went to the Court once again.
The legendary Johnny Depp sued his wife, the woman crazy enough to inadvertently make claims about him, for defamation.
It seems Amber Heard is clinging onto the world’s tiniest thread to try and get the defamation trial re-run, but the judge cut that thread with a blunt pair of scissors.
Judge Penney Azcarate practically laughed in her face when she claimed that one of the jurors had not been appropriately vetted. She threw out Heard’s application with an eye roll so big you could hear it.
Why Amber Heard went to the court again?:
Heard’s lawyers claimed that one of the jurors, a 77-year-old man, was replaced by his son of the same name who lived at the same address.
To make matters worse, Heard’s lawyers desperately claimed there was no evidence to support the trial’s verdict. The trial revolved around the 2018 Washington Post article where Heard claimed she was the survivor of domestic abuse, although she never named Johnny.
Her lawyers argued the jury did not focus on this. In other words, their plan didn’t go to plan.
Court’s reaction:
Judge Azcarate, losing patience with Amber’s time-wasting, said she has no leg to stand on with the juror or her claim of domestic abuse.
“The juror was vetted, sat for the entire jury, deliberated, and reached a verdict,” she said.
“The only evidence before this court is that this juror and all jurors followed their oaths, the court’s instructions, and orders. This court is bound by the competent decision of the jury.”
If you thought Heard and her lawyers were already pushing their luck with the defamation trial, this one really took the biscuit. The only thing they didn’t try was getting down on their knees and begging the judge for a re-trial.
