Tuesday, April 2, 2024

Confirmed: Queen Elizabeth II in Heaven

Queen Elizabeth spotted in cloud formation after her death

The Queen Elizabeth is in heaven. This was confirmed today by the sighting of our dear departed Queen mum in the skies above the royalist market town of Bungay in Suffolk. The spectacular sighting was made by Brigitte Hillis, a retired head teacher who was visiting family in the Waveney Valley on the day of our beloved late Queen’s passing.

By environment correspondent Lorraine Fisher – 34.

Hillis, a keen amateur photographer, told this reporter “I was riding along the B1062 near Flixton on my electric bicycle, minding my own business. I had just visited my sister who had laid on scones, cheese straws, tea and coffee etc. and I was looking for a place to wee.

I saw a layby up ahead so I stopped. All of a sudden (obviously) I felt a warmth come to my whole body, especially my ankles. I turned to face the sun and saw a single, laser-like sun beam emerging from the clouds. I thought to myself ‘That’s strange because the weather report said rain.’”

Vague Resemblance of Queen Elizabeth

The ex-head of an Essex primary who has a degree in meteorology from Trumpton College, thought the weather pattern unusual. “I thought the weather pattern unusual, so I returned to my bicycle to retrieve my instamatic camera. As I turned back, well, I couldn’t believe my ears, I mean eyes. There before me, hovering majestically (perfect adjective) above the horizon was… the queen. Made of clouds!” Instinctively, Brigitte snapped away frantically to capture the once-every-few-hours opportunity everyone gets to catch a random and fleeting cloud formation vaguely resembling something familiar to you.

The Woolly Bit

Tapping into her broad scientific knowledge of meteorology, a demented Hillis explained why what had appeared before her could not have been a natural phenomenon, but rather a clear and undeniable act of God. “Well, first of all, clouds are fluffy or wispy and usually come in the shape of the woolly bit of a sheep. Secondly, clouds are actually transparent, but I could see the queen clearly. Thirdly, it looked exactly like her – in every detail, and lastly… she spoke to me.”

At this last extraordinary claim, the Suffolk Gazette reminded Mrs Hillis that in return for the £250 we paid her for her story, she must stick to the truth. “No word of a lie.” Said the occasional bicycler touching her nose and momentarily looking down to her left. “She said… erm… errr… what was it? Oh yes, that was it…’This is the queen. It’s O.K. I’m in heaven with God. Diana is here but I haven’t seen Philip yet. Oh, and tell Charles that I left the keys to Buckingham Palace next to the fruit bowl.’”

God’s Finger

Because of the incredible nature of Mrs.Hillis’s utterly implausible claims, we tried to corroborate her story with other local residents. A Rory McBannister who works at the nearby ‘Fun Farm Dairy’ told us ‘What time was it? About four? On the 8th? Hang on…no. No. No, I don’t remember anything unusual happening on… hang on. Wait. Yes, I do remember looking out of the window at around 4 pm and seeing the biggest rainbow I’ve ever seen.

In fact, it was a triple rainbow, but only in the colours red, white and blue. It wasn’t in an arc like usual, it was more like someone had taken a humongous tube of Aquafresh toothpaste and written ‘Queen Elizabeth’ across the sky with it. I think maybe God wrote it with his finger. I didn’t think anything of it at the time. But now you mention it. £75 did you say?”

Did you take a photo of anything completely normal on the day the Queen Elizabeth died?

Send your pics to editor@suffolkgazette.com

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