NEWSFLASH! We are receiving news that Queen Camilla of England has been prevented from enjoying a day at the races because of light showers over Newmarket.
Events are moving quickly but the latest reports are that there is indeed a squally shower heading towards the popular Suffolk race track. A spokesman for the usurper queen said Camilla was “vewy, vewy sowwy, but she would twy to come back when the wain had thtopped.”
In other breaking weather news…
MAN’S PHONE POSSIBLY DAMAGED
A nondescript man from Ilketshall St Lawrence got his phone wet when he walked to his car whilst reading the sports headlines during a light shower.
Witnesses say that the man in his mid-forties wiped the water droplets from the screen of his Samsung S20 with the sleeve of his anorak after entering his blue 2014 Vauxhall Astra leaving a smear across the phone’s transparent protective cover. It is not known whether any lasting damage was done to the phone.
PANE-FUL DEATH
The recent inclement weather affecting Suffolk has caused a bereaved window cleaner in North Cove to get mild chilblains in his fingers. John Capsi (42) took over his father Brian’s window-cleaning business last year after his dad died suddenly after contracting cholera from a dirty cleaning rag.
Formerly known as ‘Brian Capsi & Son windows’, ‘John Capsi Windows’ is the third most successful independent window cleaning firm in the local area. Speaking of his chilblains, the grieving vision technician told the GAZETTE, “I get them from time to time, especially in the cold.
It’s because you’re constantly putting your hands in and out of the hot bucket. They’ll be fine this time tomorrow. At least I ain’t got cholera like me dad got.”
SNOW BLIND
The Royal National Institute of Blind People (RNIB) has issued a warning that blind people (people whose eyes don’t exist or work) are especially vulnerable after a snowfall.
Listed among the added dangers faced by unseeing people venturing out into snow-covered landscapes are: Catching pneumonia due to not wearing proper warm clothing because they don’t know it’s snowing, not knowing where the pavement ends and the road starts (dangerous to seeing people also), walking into snowmen that weren’t there before, and, a heightened risk of being bowled over like a skittle by tobogganing children.
A spokesman for the RNIB asked the public to be vigilant and advised that yodeling like an alpine shepherd when around blind people lost in the snow helps them find their bearings and leads to fewer accidents.
Planning for retirement has taken on a new meaning over the last few years. With so much economic uncertainty in the UK, high levels of inflation, a cost-of-living crisis and increases in the retirement age, it can be difficult if you’re looking to finally put your feet up after working hard your entire life.
While traditional investment products such as savings bonds are still popular instruments that many people use in their older years, plenty of folks are looking for other ways to plan for retirement. In addition, with inflation regularly exceeding 10% over the last 18 months, many senior citizens hope to find an investment product to keep up with inflation.
You can plan to save for your retirement in several ways, but today we will highlight three key ones that may perk your interest.
Property
Considered by some economists to be heavily insulated against a market downturn, the idea of investing in property has been something that the wealthy have done for hundreds of years. While this takes a substantial bit of wealth, it should also be noted that if you’re in the property sector and have a portfolio of rental properties, you aren’t precisely retired.
Some people who have retired and invested in property had had to spend more hours and money than when they worked full-time! In addition, it involves other overheads, such as paying for bills, damages to property, renovations and even storage costs for items.
It’s all about a wise investment, and with property, there are many avenues where people can invest. Alternatively, if you have paid off your mortgage, that is a solid retirement plan. Having equity in a property in today’s market is a great way to hedge your investments. Even though the economy is shaky, house prices have remained solid, and many have appreciated in the current climate.
It is a complex issue that is difficult to explain, but a simple case of high demand and insufficient supply combined with colossal investment ensures that property prices remain stable, even in a severe economic crash. This means it could be a wise investment if you can stomach some of the turbulence of being a landlord and maintaining a property.
Investment funds
Many of the biggest banks in the world have funds where you can invest your cash. Thousands of options are available with some of the world’s biggest high-street retail banks. You can also look at some of the funds that investment banks offer.
Some will offer high-risk investments; this can include anything from emerging markets to volatile sectors. Sometimes these investments can pay off; however, they are considered volatile because they also have a high risk of incurring losses.
While they aren’t quite as risky as highly volatile assets such as cryptocurrency, emerging market funds can sometimes drop 10 to 15% over a year. Likewise, they can appreciate similarly if the investment is in the right sector or industry.
Mid-level investment funds are less volatile but will provide a lower rate of return. This is not investment advice. If you are looking to invest in this type of fund or are interested in this type of product, but you are unsure what to invest in, you should speak to a qualified financial advisor who can provide professional service and advice.
Get your books in order
Our final advice is to ensure you have organised your financials so that you can manage your funds appropriately in retirement.
Some people work all their lives only to mismanage their pension funds in their older age. However, if you have a plan of how much money you can spend and how much you can spend in retirement, you may not even have to explore other options outside of good account management.
Likewise, if you have enough investments and have your books in good order, you can pay yourself dividends from your assets. With the right financial advice, you can enjoy your retirement as you wish.
Although it can require a bit of administration and time out of your day to get your finances in order, it could pay dividends with the amount of extra time you can spend with your friends and family. In addition, it is one less worry if you don’t have to want concerns about maintaining a property or having your money in a risky investment which has the potential to shift in a highly volatile manner.
A Bury St Edmunds pizza parlour is fighting back at the news of a new wonder weight loss drug being made available on the NHS.
Wegovy, the miracle drug for fatties, can help people reduce weight by over 10 per cent so long as they steer clear of pies, crisps, chocolate, and lard while on the course.
However, Peter’s Pizza Parlour on Cannon St, Bury St Edmunds, is advising its customers, especially the chubby ones, to ignore the advice and keep eating its delicious pizza which it says costs only £5. Hmmmm.
Say no to drugs & yes to £5 pizza
As is usually the case with attention-grabbing sales slogans, a closer look at the small print reveals that the £5 offer only applies to boring old Margherita pizzas purchased between 12-5pm weekdays, when no-one really wants it.
More worrying is the fast food retaurant’s plea for customers to keep eating its high in saturated fat pizza against the advice of health experts promoting the use of the Wegovy drug.
Obesity, or ‘fat-piggery’ to give it its proper name, can lead to early death, an inability to sit comfortably on a train or aeroplane, and a greater likelihood of knocking dainty collectables off of shelves when wobbling around a gift shop at Christmas.
Other health problems arising from being a greedy, fat bastard include: dysglycaemia, hypertension, dyslipidaemia, obstructive sleep apnoea, and cardiovascular disease, although these are just posh names for not being able to breathe properly when getting up out of your lazyboy chair, and for sweating profusely when you brush your teeth.
Margherita eater
We asked one seriously overweight customer we saw coming out of Peter’s Pizzas what he thought… “Chomp, chomp, mleeurgh, chomp, burp, chew, comp, mleeurgh, burp, belch, fart.”
So there it is. The lard-arses of Bury St Edmunds all agree – Say no to drugs & yes to £5 pizza!
With interest rates going up is it worth leasing instead?
As interest rates continue to climb, many consumers are looking for alternative options to buying a car outright. One such option is car leasing, and for environmentally conscious consumers,the Nissan Leaf electric vehicle (EV) may be an attractive option. In this article, we’ll explore the benefits and drawbacks of leasing a Nissan Leaf and compare it to traditional car loan options to help you determine if a Auto Trader car lease deal is worth it for you.
What is a Car Lease?
A car lease is a contract between a lender and a lessee (you) in which you pay to use a car for a specified period of time, usually two to four years. The lender (usually a dealership or a manufacturer’s financing arm) owns the car and is responsible for maintenance, repairs, and residual value. At the end of the lease term, you can choose to return the car, purchase it for its residual value, or trade it in for a new vehicle.
Benefits of Leasing a Nissan Leaf
Lower Monthly Payments
One of the biggest advantages of leasing a Nissan Leaf on Auto Trader is that you’ll have lower monthly payments compared to buying the same vehicle with a car loan. This is because you’re only paying for the depreciation of the vehicle during the lease term, rather than its full purchase price. As a result, you can drive a newer, more expensive vehicle for a lower monthly payment.
Fixed Maintenance Costs
Another advantage of leasing a Nissan Leaf is that the lender is responsible for maintenance, repairs, and residual value. This means that you won’t have to worry about the cost of repairs or the eventual resale value of the car, as the lender takes care of all of that.
Ability to Drive a Newer Car More Often
Because the lease term is usually two to four years, you’ll have the opportunity to drive a newer car more often than if you bought the same car outright. This can be particularly appealing for tech-savvy consumers who like to stay up-to-date with the latest advancements in automotive technology.
Tax Benefits
For those who use their Nissan Leaf for business purposes, there may be tax benefits to leasing. In some cases, you may be able to deduct your monthly lease payments from your taxable income, reducing your overall tax liability.
Comparing Leasing to Buying
When deciding whether to lease or buy a Nissan Leaf, it’s important to consider both the benefits and drawbacks of each option and compare them to your own driving needs and budget. Here’s a quick comparison of the two options:
Leasing
Lower monthly payments
Fixed maintenance costs
Ability to drive a newer car more often
Tax benefits (for business use)
Limited mileage
Lack of ownership
No customizations allowed
Restricted driving
Buying
No mileage restrictions
Full ownership of the vehicle
Ability to make permanent changes to the car
No restrictions on driving
Higher monthly payments (due to interest on car loan)
Responsible for maintenance and repairs
No tax benefits (for business use)
Long-term financial commitment
Ultimately, the best option for you will depend on your driving needs, budget, and personal preferences. If you have a low monthly budget and don’t mind the restrictions on driving and customizations, leasing may be the better option for you. However, if you prefer to have full ownership of your vehicle, don’t mind higher monthly payments, and want the freedom to make permanent changes to your car, buying may be the better choice.
Conclusion
Leasing a Nissan Leaf can be a great option for consumers looking to save on monthly payments and have fixed maintenance costs. However, it’s important to consider the drawbacks of leasing, such as limited mileage, lack of ownership, and restricted driving, before making a decision.
When deciding whether to lease or buy a Nissan Leaf, it’s essential to consider your driving needs, budget, and personal preferences and compare the benefits and drawbacks of each option. Only then can you make an informed decision about what’s best for you. If you’re considering a Nissan Leaf, be sure to compare car lease deals and car loan options to find the best deal for you. Whether you choose to lease or buy, you’ll be making an investment in a sustainable future and doing your part to help the environment.
A Suffolk supermarket has reported sales of Notella chocolate spread have gone straight down the toilet.
Slightly scruffy-looking budget convenience store, Singhsbury’s, owned and managed by local trader, Barry Singh reported on its twitter feed that Notella sales have declined 7550% since a recent rejig in the shop. Mr Singh told this reporter “So its really disappointing what’s happened. Everybody loves Notella innit? Especially the kids and the fat lasses. We sell a lot of the stuff, at least we used to.”
Crap breakfast
Notella is produced mainly out of sugar and palm oil which together comprise over 50% of its ingredients. Hazelnuts make up only about 13%. Despite this, many working-class parents still force their kids to eat it for breakfast spread over toast, crumpets, pancakes, or custard donuts.
I asked Mr Singh what was behind the recent slump in sales? “Shit.”
Excuse me?
“Shit. Innit?”
Sorry, how do you mean?
“So two weeks ago, my cousin came up from Wanstead in East London to help me rejig the place. We do it every 6 months to keep the place looking fresh and to confuse our customers a bit. Anyway, Jamal, my cousin, said why don’t we move the nappies to aisle 29, closer to the Notella to make it easier for mums to buy both at the same time? It sounded like a good idea so we did it. It took bloody ages, I can tell you.”
But it didn’t work?
“No, it bloody didn’t work.”
Why not?
“Because the picture of the kid eating Notella, which we moved closer to the nappies aisle, looks like he is spreading his own shit all over his face, innit? And then he is eating it. It is a turn-off to the mums. So the sales – pthffffff – straight down the toilet, where the kid’s shit should have gone, lol.”
We all dread those moments. The phone rings in the office, and you pick up to find a particularly disgruntled client on the line. It can be the ultimate test of your patience and sanity, but it’s important to understand, as a business leader, that those moments are to be expected.
It is impossible to keep every client happy all the time, and your business is bound to fall into a few potholes as it begins to develop and discover itself.
These potholes will lead to disgruntled clients, but it’s your job to appease these clients and ensure you are saying the right thing to calm the situation and keep them invested in your company – especially as a B2B company that thrives on existing clients over newcomers.
With this in mind, there are certain things you should never say if you want to avoid losing disgruntled customers. As a business leader, it is likely that you already know the most obvious ones, but it is essential that you refresh your memory and relay the information to your team – who will be experiencing those clients on the front line.
Here are five particular phrases you should keep underwraps to ensure you do not lose a client with a single phone call:
“Calm Down!”
The big one. But probably the phrase you will want to say immediately. Nevertheless, telling a client to calm down immediately gives the impression that you don’t believe there is an adequate reason for them to be worked up. News flash: there very well might be.
As a fully operating company, you are likely utilising all of your b2b communication channels, but face-to-face (or ear-to-ear) communication ultimately gives you the best indication of client sentiment. Listen to their concerns, let them vent, keep your own inflection calm, and a solution will be found for the issue.
“I’m Not Sure”
While this is not a particularly bad phrase to use, it should always be avoided whilst on the phone to a client. As a successful B2B company – that is actively trying to achieve loyalty – you are likely using your marketing channels to show that you are experts in your trade.
Being an expert and ensuring you know all the terminologies and exactly what the clients are looking for, you should never give an indication that you are “unsure” about a certain query. Especially if there’s no follow up. If you are truly stumped about what might have gone wrong, simply tell them that you’re “going to find out” and do it immediately. This will at least retain the image that you are the experts and, although you are struggling to pinpoint an issue, you are doing everything you can to resolve the issue there and then.
“You’re Wrong”
Ever wondered why the customer is always right? It is because happy customers mean loyal customers and more spending for your business. Telling your client that they are wrong – even if they might be – is never a good route to go down. That’s not to say you cannot protect your business if you believe you are in the right, however.
Instead, you need to focus on other phrases such as “miscommunication” or “honest mistake”. These are far less confrontational and will bring you a step further to solving the issue. Remember, 70% of clients end their loyalty with an organisation because they felt they were treated rudely. Saying “you’re wrong” will only rile up a client and risk losing them forever.
“You’re Through To The Wrong Person, Let Me Put You On Hold”
This is specifically for small-business leaders – or those who are at the top of the chain. It can be easy to get comfortable with your own job and leave the problems with clients to your employees. Bad move.
As a small business, your team is probably small too, so everyone has a part to play in securing the most important part of the business: your clients. If you know you can help, do not pass the task on to someone else. The client has got through to you, so you are the person who has to deal with the problem and help them to find a resolution.
“We Can’t Do That”
Lastly, always make sure the call ends with a resolution. As a business, there should be nothing you can’t do to help a client. The reason this is important is because as many as 95% of customers will share a bad experience with others – with 45% sharing their negative experience on social media.
This means that, by failing to solve the issue, you are risking the loss of that client and damage to your existing marketing channels. Acquiring new customers is still important as a B2B company, and refuting a client will only strain your ability to do this. Make sure the call ends with a positive resolution and you will find yourself in a much better position with that client and all the potential clients that you are looking to attain.
Surveys reveal that competition is one of the main things that intimidate job seekers and prevent them from applying for positions in top companies, even more so if they’re in a super competitive industry. But as Arnold Glasow once said, “Without the spur of competition, we’d loaf out our life.”
The competition keeps companies, employers, and job seekers alike on their toes. With today’s competitive job market, finding a job might be a long process, filled with rejection. But with the right strategies and mindset and the help of Skillhub resume writers, it’s possible to bypass other candidates and land your dream job. Here’s how.
Networking is the key to finding hidden job opportunities that may not be advertised on job boards or social media. By building a strong network of professionals in your industry, you’ll be able to hear about job openings before they are advertised publicly. Attend industry conferences, join professional organizations, and connect with known industry experts.
Even if you’re an introvert discouraged by the idea of having to socialize with professional connections in person, not everything’s lost for you. These days, one of the best places for accessible and productive networking is LinkedIn. To encourage you, here’s a story of Jenna, a market analyst who has successfully landed her dream job thanks to LinkedIn networking.
LinkedIn Networking Success Story
Jenna had always dreamed of working at Mindshare, but with the high competition for market analyst positions, she knew it would take more than just submitting her resume and cover letter online. So she decided to leverage the power of LinkedIn networking to increase her chances of getting noticed by the hiring team at Mindshare.
Jenna started by reaching out to people in her network who worked at Mindshare and others in the industry who might have connections or insights. She sent personalized messages to hiring managers, recruiters, and those Mindshare employees whose profiles looked the most approachable. She also joined relevant LinkedIn groups and actively participated in discussions to make herself more noticeable.
It took her a few months, but eventually, her efforts paid off. One day, Jenna received a message from a person with whom she’d once had a heated discussion about the best ways of analyzing the market demand and has occasionally messaged back and forth with. They had recently found out about a job opening at Mindshare and remembered Jenna’s interest in the company.
They reached out to Jenna and offered to refer her. They also gave her valuable insights into the company’s culture and hiring process to make things easier for her. In two weeks, Jenna became Mindshare’s newest market analyst.
#2 Perfect Your Resume and Cover Letter
Start by tailoring your resume and cover letter to each job you apply for. Hiring managers receive hundreds of applications for a single position, and they’re looking for candidates who stand out from the crowd. By customizing your applications to the specific job, you’ll show your potential employer that you’ve taken the time to understand the role and are genuinely interested.
Also, did you know that, on average, hiring teams see only 3 out of 10 resumes submitted for a job opening? Most top companies use Applicant Tracking Systems (ATS) these days. Unless your resume includes all the necessary keywords and is deemed “relevant” by this software, you have zero chances of hearing back from the recruiter. So unless you’re a true resume and cover letter-writing pro, consider getting expert help.
#3 Come to the Interview Prepared
Once you’ve secured an interview, it’s time to shine. Research the company and the position thoroughly to demonstrate your interest and knowledge. Memorize the key milestones in the company’s history, read up on its corporate culture, and check its mission and vision. Show the interviewer that you’ve done your homework.
Also, never neglect to prepare for common interview questions and practice your responses. And think of exciting and well-informed questions to ask the interviewer; they like that. Dress appropriately, arrive early, and project confidence. Remember, the interview is your chance to show the hiring manager why you’re the best candidate.
#4 Be Persistent
Immunity to rejections is key when it comes to job hunting. Don’t get discouraged if you don’t get the job after the first interview (even if, in your opinion, it went perfectly). Keep applying for jobs that match your qualifications and interests. The more you apply and interview, the better you’ll become at presenting yourself as the best candidate for the job.
Also, don’t hesitate to ask for feedback on your application materials or interview performance. Some hiring managers are willing to give it, which is an excellent way for you to learn what your mistakes are and fix them. Many job seekers land jobs at their dream companies on the second, third, or even fourth try. Openness to criticism and commitment always pays off.
#5 Develop New Skills
Finally, one of the best ways to bypass other candidates is to develop new skills that make you stand out. Take online courses, attend workshops, and pursue certifications in your field to demonstrate your dedication to your profession. The more skills and qualifications you have, the more valuable you’ll be to potential employers.
By the way, don’t forget about soft skills. This often comes as a surprise to job seekers, but some of the top employers value soft over hard skills. And if you’re wondering where to begin, these are the most in-demand ones among them:
Analytical thinking;
Stellar communication;
Ability to work independently;
Customer service;
Ability to both accept and deliver negative feedback;
Exceptional time management.
That’s the list, according to LinkedIn. But it depends on the industry you work in and the position you’re after.
To Sum Up
Finding your dream job combines networking, perfecting your applications, interview preparation, persistence, and skill development. Investing your time and effort in all of these will increase your chances of standing out from other candidates and getting the position you want. As to your resume, resume writing professionals are always there to help you with it.
A care home nurse who retired after 45 years of devoted service in the same care home was essentially told to fuck off on her last day.
Mavis Baloney (62), had worked at Bright Futures care home in Gazely, W.Suffolk since first joining as a trainee care worker in 1978 – the year Ipswich beat Arsenal 0-1 in the FA cup final at Wembley.
It was a match dominated by an energetic and creative Ipswich side, managed by England legend, Bobby Robson. The underdogs were unlucky not to go ahead earlier in the first half of the match when Paul Mariner hit the bar, and later in the second half after John Wark had twice hit the post. The game was all but won when Roger Osborne flashed in the winner from close range on 77 minutes. The victory was Ipswich’s first and only in an FA cup final.
Getting back to the story
After clocking off for the final time, Mavis (the care home nurse), who had cared for over 16,000 geriatric residents during her career, was surprised by a small gathering of colleagues and guests in the lounge area, which had been decorated with a single balloon and a hastily manufactured and misspelled ‘Goodbye Mvis’ sign.
It was an emotional occasion and there wasn’t a dry eye (or mattress) in the home when a card and collection totaling £14.92 were presented to a surprised and appreciative Mavis.
Did anyone appraise the care home nurse?
After a short speech in which Manageress, Deidre Feathers, recognized Mavis’s dedication and professionalism during her many years at the home, and also her extraordinary effort during the Covid-19 pandemic during which she assisted in the deaths of over 27 guests, a farewell cake was wheeled out by oldest living resident, Vera (96), herself in a wheelchair.
At this point, Brian Savage, Managing Director of UK Care, the multinational health provider contracted by the NHS to offer private care to the elderly across the UK, stepped forward and removed the tin foil covering the cake.
Completely false
Upon revealing the farewell cake with it’s badly-drawn and slightly ungenerous message ‘Fuck U Quitter!’, pandemonium broke out in the care home. Three geriatrics pissed themselves with fear, two with laughter.
The old dear in the wheelchair rammed herself into a tall rubber plant which fell over and landed on another old timer, Eric, who was sitting half asleep in a tobacco-infused armchair. Waking with a start, the bewildered OAP spat out his loose-fitting false teeth which landed in the middle of the lounge, where two more demented nonagenarians were waltzing to imaginary music they last heard in the 1940’s.
As they stumbled, arm in arm around the urine-stained carpet, one of them, carefully watched by Molly the cat, kicked Eric’s falsies across the room straight into the goldfish tank.
By the time this was all over, Mavis (the care home nurse) was already on the No.312 on her way home, sans cake but £14.92 better off.
