Officers were called to the Futura Park branch of Waitrose yesterday after gangs of hungry customers fought over limited quantities of packets of crisps.
The Waitrose lunchtime meal deal retails for around six quid, and includes a gourmet sandwich.or wrap, posh drink, and usually a family-size bag of of Tyrells’s potato, veg, or lentil crisps.
However, due to war, famine, Brexit, postal strikes, rail strikes, inclement weather,. the endangered status of the Javan Rhinocerous, institutional racism in the fire service, and England being knocked out of the World Cup (it’s only a matter of time), Tyrell’s crisps have been in short supply, and yesterday were replaced on the shelves with the lower prestige Walker’s brand.
The Walker’s brand, favoured by working-class people, was apparently not deemed an acceptable replacement by the bougie clientele of Waitrose, despite the fact that they were in Ipswich, which they seemed to have forgotten.
Blame it on the Bougie
The trouble started when one particularly stressed-out head teacher of a local primary school,.took her meal deal to the checkout. With Tyrell’s unavailable, she had reportedly taken a bag of Brindisa Torres Spanish Black Truffle Nibbles (£4) as a replacement.
It was when the store assistant pointed out that the Brindisa branded crisps were not part of the meal deal that the shit hit the fan. Throwing the crisps over her shoulder in frustration,.she inadvertently hit another customer – a 6’4” professional wrestler by the name of ‘The Dumptruck’ – on the side of his masked face.
What followed was a classic Laurel and Hardy-style series of misunderstandings and false accusations.replete with violent retaliations ranging from mixed berry trifles (£3.65) being tipped into trousers, baguettes (£1.15) being used as baseball bats, and a seafood platter (£17) peppering a young man’s Jackson 5 style afro.
Here we go again
A spokesman for Waitrose told this reporter “Yes, it’s true. There was an incident in the store yesterday. A number of minor altercations occurred which appeared to be connected to the temporary change in our crisp offerings. We would like to apologize to our customers.for the problems caused which were largely outside of our control, and thank Suffolk Police for its quick response and handling of the situation.
I can confirm that Tyrell’s crisps will be available in store tomorrow.and we will be offering an additional free bag to everyone purchasing a lunchtime meal deal. However, due to the recent announcement of the reformation of The Pussycat Dolls, we must warn customers that our entire range of sandwiches, wraps, and posh drinks will not be available to form part of the deal.”
The territorial army is on standby.