Great Britain (Brittania rules the waves) and not-so-great India are embroiled in a dispute over ownership of some valuable stuff (Kohinoor diamond) that was exchanged between the two countries over 170 years ago. When transportation by elephant was the most popular means of travel.
At the centre of the disagreement is the infamous Indian/British ‘Kohinoor diamond’ – the dazzling 105-carat oval-shaped diamond set in ‘The Queen Mother’s Crown’ which forms part of the crown jewels of the royal house of Windsor.
Lies over Kohinoor Diamond
The sizzling stone – which is valued at around $591 million – is believed to date back to somewhere between the 12th and 14th centuries and was undisputedly discovered somewhere in India – probably by an Indian.
The Indian Government claims Britain stole it (rude) but we say they are liars, citing a peace deal signed between Emperor Singh and the Brits in 1858. A copy of the forged document has been released by the foreign office….
“Clause 3: The massive, spangly gem called the Kohinoor Diamond … shall be surrendered by the naive child Maharajah of Lahore to the all-powerful and heavily-armed Queen of England.”
He’s Got a Point!
Hitting back at the Indians’ ‘unreasonable claim’, a F.O. source told this reporter that H.M. government has lodged a counterclaim with the Indian Government, before adding, with a long sigh of incredulity “Fine.
They can have Kohinoor Diamond back… just as soon as they return the railways we built for them during the Raj.
They can also reimburse us for the technological developments in irrigation and the production of indigo, tea, coffee and silk, etc.
which we bestowed upon them for free around the same time. Then, there’s the introduction of 30 miles of telegraph in 1851 – our doing, and the assembly of their export infrastructure which they are still benefitting from today…”
Peeved But Warming
Warming to his subject, the peeved functionary went on… “And that’s just the material stuff. In the cause of humanity, we improved education for boys and girls, and dismantled the prevailing system of knowledge based on superstition.
Our presence brought about the abolition of sati (ritual sacrifice) and infanticide and destroyed the gangs and thugs that were a menace to peaceful Indian society.
Then there’s the small, but not insignificant matters of promoting freedom of the Indian press and the enhancement of security of life and property in a previously lawless society. We also introduced a law permitting the remarriage of Hindu widows. Need I go on?”
We want you to decide! Shall we give OUR Kohinoor Diamond back to the ungrateful Indians without getting OUR stuff back first?