President Trump has reassured Americans that injecting themselves with a disinfectant is a perfectly safe way to combat COVID-19.
Indeed, he confirmed he had been drinking neat Dettol for the past 40 years – and it hadn’t apparently done him any harm.
The President told an astonished press conference yesterday that perhaps injecting disinfectant was a great way to “clean the lungs” and rid the body of the coronavirus.
He told perplexed aids afterwards: “I’ve been drinking three bottles of Dettol a day for years. Believe me. It’s why I look so great. Really great.
“Bleach, I drink that too. Got white teeth, best white teeth in the world. People are saying, ‘How does Donald get such brilliant white teeth’. They tell me I look great.
“It’s now up to the Governors to start detergent injection programs. They asked for them, I provided them. More than any other country. The biggest Dettol injection program in history. No-one’s ever done it before, believe me.”
Doctors were quick to urge dumb Trump supporters not to start injecting themselves with anything, let alone disinfectant.
Dr Lorraine Fisher, 34, explained: “Donald Trump is living proof that doing so will make your hair go weird, your skin go orange and turn you into a gibbering moron.”
Don’t inject Dettol, it’s a mug’s game
Brits know better than inject bleach. They are no mugs. Instead, you quietly go about your business and buy funny mugs. Like these, for example…