Taxidermy. Euurgh. Was there ever a worse idea? I doubt it.
We can apportion some blame on the Ancient Egyptians,.who liked nothing better than to preserve dead stuff in preparation for the afterlife.But the astrologers and apothecaries of the middle ages also bear some responsibility for not leaving well alone.
The preservation and display of dead birds for observational purposes was pioneered by Frenchman, R. A. F. de Reaumur in the 1750s. His method of fixing a bird’s skin to a board, inserting a glass eye,.and then painting on a beak and legs is rumored to have been the same method used by Keith Harris to make Orville.
Get stuffed
Today’s world, however, dominated as it is by high technology (Hi-Tec),.has no more use for the barbaric pursuit of fiddling with wire mesh, sawdust,.and the smelly outards of a bat, zebra, or pangolin, than a cat has for pyjamas. At least, that’s what we’d all hoped…
But then came along, Dr David Smythe-Jones of Suffolk University to breathe new death into a menagerie of post-mortem pied wagtails, peregrines, pigeons, and parrots. Smythe-Jones, an aeronautical engineer specializing in drone technology, has combined his specialism with his other passion – ornothology – and come up with the idea ‘bird drones’ – basically a drone stuffed inside a dead bird. Weird.
Taxidermy for Dr Frankenjones
The Doctor – known as ‘Frankenjones’ to his colleagues, told the SUFFOLK GAZETTE how came up with his freaky idea one Sunday afternoon as he watched his wife stuffing a chicken with Paxo original sage and onion stuffing. “We were in the kitchen, Lydia amd I.
I’d just opened a second bottle of 2011 Château Grand-Puy-Lacoste Pauillac and I remember leaning unsteadily against the rustic central island. I remember it clearly because I rested one hand firmly in a big pile of breadcrumbs, and when I lifted my hand, it looked like a leper’s with all the skin-like crumbs falling off, haha.
Anyway, I was watching my wife stuff the bird and I remember she was droning on about something or other. And that was it. I was so excited I dribbled a whole mouthful of the Pauillac down my chin when I attempted to say ‘Eureka!’, haha”
Global Environmental campaign group, Greenpeace has announced that it is giving up trying to save the planet.
The acclaimed international network of do-gooders, was initially set up in Canada in 1971 by a couple of long-haired,.American hippies, with a stated mission of “ensuring the ability of the Earth to nurture life in all its diversity”. However, fifty-three years later, with issues such as climate change, deforestation, overfishing, and anti-nuclear issues still worsening, the group has announced, via a new marketing campaign, that it is giving up on Earth.
Shitting on our own doorstep
If past experience is anything to go by, the shocking campaign poster showing a papier mache model of planet Earth being unceremoniously dumped in a wheelie bin, is likely to go ignored, just like the group’s thousands of other warnings about humans’ self-destruction of the planet we call ‘home’.
Time and again, we heard them, moaning about how we should stop using spray-on deodorants as they were destroying the Ozone layer, and how we shouldn’t dispose of cotton buds down the toilet because they ended up being used as hobby horses by seahorses.
On and on they went, but were we listening? No, of course not. We were too busy scoffing deforestation burgers from polystyrene boxes we threw out of our car windows, or quaffing six-packs of lager leaving the plastic ringers to throttle and kill innocent marine animals. We basically didn’t give a shit, and now, neither does Greenpeace.
Green Peaced off
Lorraine Fisher – 34, Spokesperson for Greenpeace UK, told this reporter “Screw you. That’s the message. We f*cking give up. What’s the point? You’re all scum anyway. I guarantee, even as I am saying this,.there will be some pikey scumbag somewhere in Suffolk, fly-tipping a piss-stained mattress and some shit-skidded baby clothes all over our beautiful countryside. Or some chavvy wanker throwing a coke can onto a railway track. People obviously don’t care that we are ruining our planet, and that one day our children will have to eat plastic because we have polluted our seas and countryside beyond natural use. We tried, but now you’re on your own, you ignorant f*ckers.”
Salad shipments to UK sunk as cargo ship hits iceberg
Salad shipments to the UK have been lost at sea after a Spanish cargo ship hit an iceberg (lettuce) in the English channel.
The San Juan De Radish set sail out of Bilbao on Tuesday bound for Liverpool, but due to a cold snap in the channel, and unbenkownst to the coast guards of both Spain & the UK, ice bergs (lettuces) had quickly formed the previous night. If you think that is not possible, just think about how you make (lettuce) ice cubes.
The cargo Salad ship is said to have collided with the iceberg (lettuce) at around 3.oo am on Tuesday. In a tragic mix-up reminiscent of the horlicks the Titanic’s lookout made of spotting icebergs (lettuces), the Spanish lookout, who had reportedly been up all night drinking Patxaran and playing cards, had accidentally taken a cucumber to his post instead of a telescope.
Ensalada flotante
The accident caused the loss of 165,000 tons of Spanish salad including: lechuga (iceberg), tomate, cebolla y cebolleta, ajo, palta, pepino, raíz de remolacha, olivos y apio.
The loss of more salad could not have come at a worse time for the hungry people of the United Kingdom, despite the fact that it is currently winter when nobody eats the stuff. This hasn’t stopped the mainstream left-wing media banging on about it of course, as it tries to dupe the stupid working class people of Britain into believing it has something to do with Brexit, forcing them change their tiny minds and agree to rejoin the European Union after the Labour Party wins the next election under Keir ‘Second Referendum’ Starmer. Probably.
Fortunately, no lives were lost in the accident and a happy consequence of the sinking was that thousands of passengers in passing migrant boats on their way to the UK were able to stock up on supplies for their journey.
The growth and development of the internet have transformed the landscape of the online gambling industry, which now offers a wide range of gaming options for players worldwide.
One trend that has emerged in recent years is the rise of 10 pound deposit casino sites, which allow players to enjoy their favourite casino games with a relatively small deposit. These sites have become increasingly popular among players who want to try their luck without risking too much money upfront.
Despite this trend, online casinos have evolved significantly from their early days, when they offered only simple slot machines, to the present day, where players can enjoy various games, including live dealer games. This evolution has been driven by advancements in technology and the introduction of new features, such as mobile compatibility and virtual reality gaming, which have made online gambling more accessible and engaging than ever before.
In this article, we will explore the evolution of online casinos from their early days to the present day and discuss the technologies and trends that have helped shape the industry.
The Birth of Online Casinos
The first online casino was launched in 1994, just four years after the internet became widely available to the public. This casino, which was called Gaming Club, was founded by Microgaming, a company that still develops software for online casinos today. Gaming Club offered just 18 games initially, but it quickly gained popularity, paving the way for other online casinos to follow.
Over the next few years, many more online casinos were launched, each one trying to outdo the others with new games and features. One of the critical factors that helped drive the growth of online casinos was that they could offer much larger payouts than traditional land-based casinos. This was because they had different overheads, such as rent, staff, and utilities, and could pass these savings on to their customers.
The Rise of Slots
In the early days of online casinos, most of the games on offer were simple slot machines. These games were easy to develop and required little in the way of graphics or animation. However, they were also trendy, allowing players to win large amounts of money with a little bet.
As online casinos’ popularity grew, so did the variety of slot machines on offer. Developers started introducing new features, such as bonus rounds and wild symbols, to make the games more exciting and engaging for players. They also started incorporating more complex graphics and animations, making the games more visually appealing.
The Emergence of Table Games
As online casinos continued to grow and evolve, they started to offer a wider variety of games, including table games such as blackjack, roulette, and baccarat. These games were more complex than slots and required more advanced software to run. However, they were also more popular with serious gamblers, as they offered a greater degree of skill and strategy.
To accommodate the growing demand for table games, online casinos developed more sophisticated software that could handle multiple players and complex betting strategies. They also began to offer live dealer games, where real dealers would operate the game via a video link, adding an extra level of realism to the experience.
The Future of Online Casinos
Today, online casinos are more popular than ever before, with millions of players logging on each day to play their favourite games. However, the industry is still evolving, and new technologies are constantly being developed to make the experience even more immersive and engaging.
One of the most exciting developments in recent years has been the rise of virtual reality (VR) casinos. These casinos use VR technology to create a fully immersive gambling experience, where players can interact with each other and with the environment in real time. Another trend that is gaining popularity is using blockchain technology to create more secure and transparent online casinos.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the evolution of online casinos has been a fascinating journey, from simple slot machines to today’s immersive, interactive experiences. As the industry continues to evolve, we can expect to see even more exciting developments in the years to come.
Militant lollipop lady responsible for Ipswich traffic chaos
A militant-extremist lollipop lady was responsible for causing traffic chaos in Ipswich after obstructing vehicles to assist the public crossing a usually busy and dangerous road.
Zebra crossing of no return
Krystyna Kowalczyk, a former toothpaste tube cap tightener from Gdańsk, Poland has been lollipopping the infamous Woodbridge Road Zebra crossing every weekday since 2014, after she and her family moved to the UK. The crossing, nicknamed ‘the Rubicon’ by locals after the river Rubicon crossed by Julius Caesar in 49BC (leading to the ultimate demise of the Roman Empire), is the site of over 80,000 deaths in the last twenty-five years due in part to its faded, virtually invisible white stripes, and the bulb in its Belisha beacon having not been changed since 1982.
Vehicles including, Mini Norfolk electric cars, Suffolk-built Wilko Eco-Buggies, tractors, combine harvesters, and hay balers, regularly speed over the crossing, oblivious to its existence (if only they would do that when I am stuck behind them on the B1077 at Witnesham.)
Innocent women
Former politically moderate traffic warden, Krystyna, told this reporter how she decided to become a militant-extremist lollipop lady to put a stop to the needless deaths of thousands upon thousands of innocent women, children, and toddlers. “I haff been poppink at thees crossink for a long, long time now, and I know how dangerooz eet iss. So I think, why don’t I just close the bleeedink road, full stop. So thees iss what I deed. Mya hussband eee ees a counceel road worker and he let me borrow all thee cones and the fences and the sign to cause my obstruction. I am savink lives.”
Ipswich traffic chaos is usual
The obstructions erected by Kowalczyk, caused traffic chaos during the school run and much of the rest of the day as queues of farm machinery and other rural vehicles attempted to U-turn in the road, prevented as they were from passing the crossing. Amidst the confusion, two chickens were reportedly squashed under a wheel of a slurry tanker.
A spokesperson for the Suffolk Constabulary told reporters that a 48 year-old Polish national was cautioned over a traffic offence, and that access on both sides of the Woodbridge Road had now been restored.
Romantic Valentine’s day dinner, planned by a Suffolk man as a surprise for his plain but befitting wife, was ruined by the incessant rude interruptions of a trash-talking monster formed of potato peelings and spent tea-light candles.
When Deidre Caldecott (51) arrived home from wherever she had been on February 15th – Valentine’s Night. The last thing she expected was for her husband, Graham, to have laid on a sumptuous meal of baked potato with tuna, home-heated rice pudding, and cheese and biscuits, but that’s exactly what she got… and less.
An uncomfortable Valentine’s Night
After Deidre had changed into something more uncomfortable, the two former lovebirds took their seats at opposite corners of the slightly wobbly IKEA dining table. By mutual, unspoken agreement, they decided to sit in silence and gaze past one another into the ill-defined middle distance.
The oppressive atmosphere they had created, amplified by the lack of mood music (an oversight on Graham’s part) was suddenly broken by the sound of someone loudly whispering what sounded like… ‘UGLY BITCH’ from the general direction of the kitchenette. Forced from their apathy, the two endlessly married strangers.
Briefly acknowledged the other’s existence with a momentary, acrimonious glance, before returning dolefully to their spuds. Shortly after the somber tête-à-tête had resumed, the asphyxiating atmosphere was once again punctured by the same anonymous voice, this time muttering sardonically “DRY VAG”.
The un-wanted situation
At this unprovoked vulgarity, the estranged couple had no choice but to communicate. At first, Deidre opted for body language. After shuffling in her chair, and straightening her back, she confidently flicked the bangs of her long, greying, brown hair from her corrugated brow with the bony fingers of her liver-spotted right hand.
Then, with the palms of both hands, she slowly, and disdainfully pushed her unfinished plate toward her sheepish husband. The rising tension in the room was causing pearls of warm sweat which, filled with the refracted light emanating from the table, resembled dislodged golden bogies to accumulate on Graham’s quivering, mustachioed top lip.
Here comes the snow flake
Deliberately avoiding eye contact with the increasingly nervous man in front of her, Deidre twisted a peak into her heavy cotton napkin, and with it, dabbed her already dry lips at both corners of her thin, elongated mouth. After theatrically dropping the napkin onto her discarded plate, Deidre went in for the kill.
Resting freshly crossed arms in the space she had created on the edge of the table, she leaned forward, and fixed Graham with a cold hard stare accompanied by a generous side-serving of well-done cat’s arse mouth. Graham winced.
Ignoring the frantic shouts of “PISS BREATH”, and “MISERABLE OLD COW” coming from the kitchenette, and pressing home her advantage, the truculent spouse exclaimed “F*ck you, AND you’re ventriloquism, Graham. I’m going to my sister’s for dinner.”
Masturbation Notice at University of Liverpool Library Toilet
The University of Liverpool has banned masturbating in its library. A notice posted on the library door warns horny students that jerking off in the alcoves and reading rooms of its literary archive is strictly against University regulations.
The masturbation warning comes after a spate of mysterious unwelcome ‘returns’ were made in the book depository of the University by a scholar or scholars unknown. Worryingly, secret secreta was found stuck not between the pages of ‘Lady Chatterley’s Lover’, ‘Lolita’, or ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’,.but rather several books in Enid Blyton’s ‘Famous Five’ series,.which recount the adventures of a group of young children of the 1940’s – Julian, Dick, Anne, George, and their dog Timmy.
More worrying still, the pages that were found bonded together, when peeled apart, revealed that it was the dog’s playful antics that were of most ‘interest’ to the reader.
Rare copy
Felicity Bland, who volunteers at the University library on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays told this reporter “It’s fookin’ disgoostin’, like. A’mean it’s a University library, norra poblic toilet, la. What’s wrong with Men only or Penthouse f’fooks sayke? Do it at’ome will ya? Y’derty basstuds.”
The works of Enid Blyton are not the only literary masterpieces that have been masturbated on. Stephen Hawking’s speculative analysis of black holes ‘A Brief History of Time’, and a rare copy of Archimedes ‘Geometrical Solutions Derived from Mechanics’ are among other titles which have been used as intellectual wank mags, leading Librarians at the University to suspect that multiple wankaholics have been at work in the library.
Planet of Adventure
Danger Wank
Tandra Grenfell, another volunteer who demanded it be known that
she identifies as a ‘non-binary queer’ told us “Men. They’re disgoostin’. A’mean, wankin’ inna fookin’ booook? Okay, evrybody laikes a danger wank every now n’then, bu’d’yer reeeally have’ta leave your spermatozoa all over chapter wun of ‘Adventures of Huckleberry Finn’? Jeeezus.”
Missing Book
Grenfell asked the SUFFOLK GAZETTE to appeal for the return of a missing book. ‘Servants of the Wankh’ is a 1969 science fiction adventure novel by American writer Jack Vance, which was borrowed from the library last June and has still not been returned. Honestly!
The U.S.A. military has shot down a 9-year-old Chinese boy’s birthday party balloon.
The country’s national missile defence system,.which was wholly ineffective against three massive jumbo jets when the U.S.A.was attacked by Saudi Arabia on 9th September 2011, redeemed itself by hitting the helium balloon almost first time.
Chinese boy, Chang Wang Lee, who lives with his family in Whitefish,.Montana was celebrating his birthday with friends and relatives.when he released the balloon into the sky to the wonderment of those present. According to partygoers, clapping, cheering, and whooping filled the air as the 12ft spherical balloon rose elegantly above the happy gathering.
Shanghai in the sky
Impressed guests risked cricking and ricking as they strained craned necks to watch.the helium-filled rubber orb ascend into the beautiful sun-filled Montana skies. Eyes squinted as the doomed balloon rose above rows and rows of those gathered below.
Chinese takeaway
And then…. BOOM! A ground-based interceptor missiles which appeared to come from nowhere,.intercepted Lee’s harmless balloon, ripping it into a thousand singed rubber particles that scattered across a 25-mile radius around Whitefish.
Understandably, Chinese boy, Lee and some of the other children at the party. began to cry at the distressing sight of his birthday balloon being annihilated by the US’s military-industrial complex. Some of the adults present, especially the men, began to shout and wave their fists in the general direction of the airborne explosion.
However, later on, after the rubber had settled and the fun and games resumed, Little Chang Wang and his friends appeared to have forgotten all about the earlier traumatic event as they happily tucked into some tasty-looking spicy bat wings and greasy Pangolin burgers.
A spokesperson for the US military told the Suffolk Gazette that the balloon had been identified as a U.F.O and as such posed a serious threat to national security. It was destroyed in accordance with security protocols introduced as part of the ‘Grasshopper’ defence strategy introduced by President Donald Trump in 2019.
