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King Charles opens fast food restaurant

The Editor
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King Charles opens fast food restaurant
King Charles opens fast food restaurant

King of England, King Charles – who is most famous for flogging Organic Duchy Originals biscuits to posh people to have with their daily cup of Tetley – is moving away from health food and into fast food.

And in a barbed broadside at his backstabbing spare son, Prince Harry of Los Angeles, contained within an advertisement displayed at his Windsor fast food restaurant, the elderly monarch beseeches working people, not to work for his mutinous ginger turncoat son, but to work for him instead.

‘Work for a King, not a clown!’ reads the stinging castigation of his treasonous ‘number two’ offspring.

Supersize Fanta

Speaking at the grand opening of the flagship ‘King Burger’ restaurant, situated just outside the walls of Windsor Castle, the ‘Burger King’ himself said “Er, it was dearest mama’s last earthly wish that I open this fast food restaurant to feed the poor, hungry people of Windsor.

The late queen loved nothing more, after returning home from a hard day at the races, than to tuck into a fat, greasy quarter pounder with cheese, large fries, and a supersize Fanta. So today, Camilla and I, hereby pronounce this drive-through… open for business! God save the King… burger.”

Dainty dishes to set before a king

Items on the King Burger menu include: the Coronation Chicken Burger Deluxe, the Constitutional Monarchy Meal for two, Camilla Parker Bowles of Salad, four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie, Kate Middleton’s Big Royal Family Bucket, Imperial Chicken Wings, and Six Gold Nuggets with Sweet Chilli or BBQ dip.

King’s Fast Food

Eat-in customers will be treated to the finest bone china plates, solid silver cutlery, and cut glass tumblers for their milkshakes. While, for those who wish to eat on the go, the drive-through is wide enough to accommodate a gold state coach and eight horses.

Portcullis left open

A royal insider told this reporter that King Charles was leaving the door open for Prince Harry to come and work in the kitchen of King Burger when everything goes to shit in America.

Lost stash of WWII road signs found

The Editor
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Lost stash of WWII road signs found
Lost stash of WWII road signs found

A lost stash of road signs dating from the second world war has been found… somewhere in England.

During WWII, as Britain prepared for an expected German invasion, road signs were removed to confuse and delay the Wehrmacht‘s progress through the southern English countryside on its way to London.

Fortunately, thanks to the skill and superiority of ‘the few’ patrolling the skies above this formerly great nation, the invasion never happened and, consequently, the road signs began to go back up. Now, more than seventy years on, it feels like they didn’t know when to stop.

Göring round in circles

Second only to electricity pylons, road signs are surely the ugliest thing that ever happened to the green and pleasant lands of the United Kingdom (and northern Ireland. And Southern Ireland for that matter.)

It wouldn’t be so bad if the never-ending stream of bright yellow, red, green, & blue signage actually made navigating the highways and byways of the UK easier, but they don’t. How many times have you driven three times around a roundabout desperately trying to decipher which is the correct exit, or swerved into what you believed to be the correct lane two seconds before missing your junction? Frankly, the signs may as well not be there for all the good they do. Removing them would probably have helped, not hindered the Nazis traverse across the counties of Kent and Sussex in 1940.

Multiple nettle stings

Bert Kavanagh (86), a retired ball-bearing polisher from Yeovil, Somerset, last week discovered a lost stash of road signs dating back to the time of the Battle for Britain. Bert was working on his allotment, rummaging through an old shed that had belonged to his geriatric friend, George, who had recently passed away from old age exacerbated by multiple nettle stings. I asked Bert what he found.

“Signs.”

How many?

“Lots.”

How many is lots?

“Loads.”

Not knowing what to do with the informative relics from a bygone, infinitely better version of Britain, Bert decided to wheel the road signs into town in his barrow and reinstate them, randomly, on the first signpost that he came to, paying no heed to actual directions. Having done so, he retired to the Red Lion pub on the corner opposite the new multi-directional signpost he had just created and sat, nursing a glass of ale as he looked out of the window admiring his handy work.

What did you do then, Bert? I asked him.

“Warched people make monkeys of ‘emselves arl a’ternoon. MWAAAAAAHHHH HA HA HA!!!!”

Prepare for English Civil War 4.0

The Editor
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Prepare for English Civil War 4.0
Prepare for English Civil War 4.0

Who wants another English civil war? Put your hands up.

The last proper civil war in England took place in the second half of the 17th Century – if you don’t include the bloodier Brexit referendum of 2016, that is.

The long, drawn-out battles between the Royalists and the Parliamentarians ended with the Parliamentarians, led by the rabble-rousing military commander, Oliver Cromwell, victorious – until he died, at least, and his lot invited Charles II back from exile to be King under a restored monarchy. What a waste of bloody time.

So, if we are to have a new civil war, let’s do it properly this time.

State of the nation

Everyone knows that Northerners are as hard as fuck, and that cissy Southerners are basically rent boys willing to bend over for any Tom, Dick, Francois, or Muhammad that drags themself ashore on a beach anywhere from Devon to Dover.

The residents of the home counties still live at home with mummy and daddy so don’t expect them to have a decisive impact in the battle.

We Suffolkers are of course, as tough as nails, and with our battalions of heavy farm machinery, can easily stand our ground. A potential alliance with the counties of the South West could prove effective by combining their heavy muck artillery with ours, and the artists and artisans of Devon and Cornwall can also be utilized as war artists and poets.

The counties

The counties of the midlands, or ‘no man’s land’, will likely prove key battlegrounds and will ultimately have to pick sides. Whether they ally themselves with King Charles III, or a hodge-podge coalition of the parliamentary parties remains to be seen, although my money’s on the King, not least because he is still Commander-in-Chief of the military – or at least those parts that aren’t currently in Cyprus, Kenya, Batuk, Belize, The South Atlantic Islands, Gibraltar, Germany, The Baltics, Iraq, Brunei, Nigeria, Somalia, South Sudan, Mali, and let’s face it, Ukraine.

Wales will provide the catering, while the Scots are currently preoccupied with their own civil war between those who do, and do not wish to rejoin the European Union. If the Scots do decide to fight, expect them to empty the prisons of thousands of transexuals who will almost definitely have something up their kilts.

English Civil War

So there we have it. The stage is set. Let battle commence…

Business class banana palaver

The Editor
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Business class banana palaver
Business class banana palaver

A vegan business class passenger on Suffolk Airlines was given a single banana for breakfast.

Despite bananas fitting the vegan criteria, the high-powered businesswoman passenger was less than impressed with the meal offered to her as she travelled to Hong Kong for a important, multi-million dollar business meeting.

Ms Cyril Jeffers, VP of Products for Asia Connect investment bank, based in the City of London, reportedly threw a massive hissy-fit when she was handed the single piece of fruit on a cardboard plate approximately half way through her twelve-hour, £1,025 flight to the far east.

Thai the knot

The SUFFOLK GAZETTE spoke to a fellow passenger on the flight who was travelling cattle class but ventured, uninvited into business class to a take a posh shit. Brian Greenwood told us “I was headed to Thailand. Bangkok to be precise, to find meself a new wife, you know, one of those pudgy Malaysian-looking lasses with the fat cheeks and the rosebud lips.

I’m not that bothered if she’s been around the block a few times, or if her arse has a bit of cellulite, because I’m looking to find true love. I want someone who wants me for me, who will love me for who I really am. I know I can find her in Bangkok because I have 650,000 Thai Baht in cash, and a British passport.” 

Yes, but what happened on the flight over, with the woman?

“Oh yeah, well there was that posh tart who was sitting across the aisle from me. All she kept doing the whole way was listen to Berlin’s greatest hits on her Sony Walkman. It was so annoying hearing the non-stop tingy-tingy-wishy-washy sound coming out of her sponge-covered headphones. She must have played ‘Take my breath away’  fifty times, but then again, I s’pose it was the only hit they had.”

It seemed as though Mr Greenwood was suffering from jet lag during our interview as he was totally incapable of getting to the point, but we persevered.

But what about the banana?

“Oh yeah. Well when the banana turned up, the lady got all shirty. She pressed stop on her Walkman with a beautifully nail-varnished thumb, removed the headphones from her ears and rested them around her neck.

Actually, she was an attractive lady – in a manly, business-suited dominatrix kind of way – and I remember noticing the juxtaposition of the steel band of the headphones set against the exquisite string of pearls she wore around her long, slightly scrawny neck.

She stood up, took the banana in one hand, mouthed something (I had headphones on as well) and with her other hand, grabbed the very camp flight attendant by the hair on the back of his head. Then she slowly but forcefully inserted the unpeeled banana into his mouth. It went in quite far. Everyone on the flight gasped, well not everyone but some of us did. I did.”

Then what happened?

“Well, I don’t really know because that’s when the fella came out of the toilet and I went in for my posh Tom Tit.”

FFS.

A Day to Remember? Aussie’s Odds Slashed for the 2023 PGA Championship

The Editor
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A Day to Remember? Aussie’s Odds Slashed for the 2023 PGA Championship
Aussie’s Odds Slashed for the 2023 PGA Championship

There’s a saying in sports that ‘form is temporary, class is permanent.’ But if you can combine the two? Well, that’s a heady mix for potential success and explains why Jason Day has been so well-backed to win this year’s PGA Championship at the Oak Hill Country Club in New York.

That Winning Feeling

In every sport, there’s a clear connection between form, confidence, and winning – the three very much go hand in hand. So Day’s victory at the AT&T Byron Nelson, which acts as the final warm-up event for the second major of 2023, was both timely and noteworthy. And it didn’t go unnoticed, with the Australian backed into 22/1 from 40/1 by those that have bet on PGA golf in the past few days.

Of course, Day still sits behind the hot trio of Scottie Scheffler (15/2), Jon Rahm (15/2), and Rory McIlroy (10/1) in the betting, but he has the benefit of that recent success to call upon – no wonder so many PGA tips columns are heralding the 35-year-old as such a likely contender for the tournament that gets underway on May 18.

Mind you, he certainly took the circuitous route to success at the Byron Nelson, which is played each year at the TPC Craig Ranch Club in Dallas, Texas. Day opened up his account with a round of 64 there but meandered down the leaderboard as others – notably Scheffler and Ryan Palmer – exerted authority at the top of the standings.

But an outstanding final round of 62, which featured nine birdies – including a clutch four at the Par 5 final hole – and zero bogeys, ultimately saw Day hold off the chasing pack and land what is his thirteenth PGA TOUR title; albeit his first since claiming the Wells Fargo Championship in May 2018. If timing is everything in sports, Day could not have wished for a better lead-in display than his dynamics in Dallas.

Horses for Courses

Golf is a sport where the stats don’t lie – they reveal plenty about each player and their specific talents (and weaknesses). Across the entirety of the 2022/23 season, Day is one of the few players on the PGA TOUR who ranks inside the top 30 for all four of the most important Strokes Gained categories: Off the Tee, Approach, Around the Green, and Putting. The takeaway point? His all-around game is in the rudest of health.

The Aussie will need to utilize all of those weapons at Oak Hill, a golf course that tests every single department of a player’s game. It typically favors those who are long off the tee as it’s a very demanding layout with tiny, contoured greens – those that hit the ball further are able to take more lofted clubs on approach, which will ensure a softer landing on the slick greens from a higher trajectory.

Day averages 303 yards with his drives this season, which will be ample to compete at Oak Hill, and as we have learned he is also excellent on approach and in tidying up around the greens when he does miss with his irons. When any player or team’s betting odds are slashed in half ahead of a fixture, you know that there’s a strong feeling about their chances. In Day’s case, such positivity about his chances at the 2023 PGA Championship seems to be wholly justified.

What Features Make Ford Rangers So Popular?

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What Features Make Ford Rangers So Popular?
What Features Make Ford Rangers So Popular?

The Ford Ranger has become an increasingly popular choice among pickup truck enthusiasts and those seeking a versatile, practical, and stylish vehicle. Its popularity can be attributed to a range of features that cater to a wide variety of needs and preferences. In this blog post, we’ll explore some of the key features that make Ford Rangers so popular among drivers.

Performance and Capability

One of the primary reasons behind the Ford Ranger’s popularity is its impressive performance and capability. Regardless of whether you are opting for a long-term Ford Ranger lease or purchasing a vehicle, you’ll gain access to a powerful engine lineup, remarkable towing capacity, and robust off-road capabilities. The Ranger is available with several engine options, including fuel-efficient diesel engines and a potent 2.0-litre EcoBlue bi-turbo diesel engine, providing a balance of power and efficiency that appeals to many drivers.

The Ranger’s towing capacity of up to 3,500 kg and a payload capacity of up to 1,252 kg make it an ideal choice for those who need a vehicle capable of hauling heavy loads or towing recreational equipment, such as boats or caravans. Additionally, the Ranger’s off-road prowess allows it to tackle a variety of terrains with ease, making it a popular choice for adventurers and outdoor enthusiasts.

Interior Comfort and Technology

While pickup trucks may not traditionally be known for their interior comfort, the Ford Ranger defies expectations with its spacious, well-appointed cabin. The Ranger is available in several cab configurations, with the Double Cab variant offering the most space for passengers. The Double Cab features ample seating for up to five passengers, with rear seat space that can comfortably accommodate children and adults alike.

Inside the cabin, you’ll find high-quality materials and a range of features designed to enhance comfort and convenience. These include dual-zone automatic climate control, heated front seats, and an 8-inch touchscreen infotainment system with smartphone connectivity.

Styling and Customisation Options

The Ford Ranger’s bold, rugged styling has contributed to its popularity among pickup truck enthusiasts. With its aggressive grille, flared wheel arches, and athletic stance, the Ranger exudes confidence and capability. Additionally, Ford offers a range of customisation options, such as various wheel designs, exterior colours, and accessory packages, allowing drivers to personalise their Ranger to suit their tastes and needs.

Safety Features and Ratings

Safety is a crucial consideration for many drivers, and the Ford Ranger excels in this area. The Ranger comes equipped with a variety of advanced safety features designed to protect both passengers and other road users. Some of these features include:

  • Pre-Collision Assist with Autonomous Emergency Braking: This system detects potential collisions with vehicles or pedestrians and automatically applies the brakes if necessary to avoid or mitigate the impact.
  • Lane Keeping System: This feature alerts the driver if the Ranger begins to drift out of its lane and can even apply gentle steering torque to guide the vehicle back into its lane.
  • Adaptive Cruise Control: This system maintains a pre-set distance from the vehicle ahead, adjusting the Ranger’s speed to maintain that distance and ensuring a safe following distance is maintained.
  • Traffic Sign Recognition: This feature displays the current speed limit and other traffic signs on the instrument cluster, helping the driver stay informed and avoid potential traffic violations.

These advanced safety features, combined with the Ranger’s robust build quality and high-strength steel body, have contributed to the vehicle’s strong safety ratings. In the UK, the Ranger was awarded a 5-star rating by the European New Car Assessment Programme (Euro NCAP), further enhancing its appeal as a safe and reliable vehicle.

How to Improve the Quality of Your CSR Report ?

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How to Improve the Quality of Your CSR Report ?
How to Improve the Quality of Your CSR Report ?

Improving the quality of your Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR) report is crucial for effectively communicating your organization’s social and environmental impact. 

This short guide shows you how to enhance your Corporate Social Responsibility report. Read on!

Tips for Improving Your Corporate Social Responsibility Report 

Below are some tips you can use to enhance the quality of your CSR report:

Set clear objectives

Clearly define the purpose and goals of your CSR report. 

Identify the key stakeholders you want to address and determine the information that is most relevant and meaningful to them.

Conduct materiality assessment

Perform a materiality assessment to identify the social, environmental, and economic issues that are most significant to your organization and stakeholders. 

Let your report center on these material issues to make it more impactful and relevant.

Provide context and narratives

Don’t just present data and figures; provide context and narratives that help stakeholders understand the impact of your CSR initiatives. 

Share stories, case studies, and real-life examples that demonstrate the outcomes and benefits of your actions.

Be transparent about challenges

Acknowledge and address the challenges and shortcomings your organization faces. 

Discuss the steps you are taking to overcome them, and be transparent about any limitations or areas for improvement. This transparency builds credibility and trust.

Prioritize readability and accessibility

Make your CSR report easily accessible and readable. Use clear and concise language – avoid jargon. Consider utilizing visual elements like charts, infographics, and images to present complex information in an engaging manner.

Seek external feedback

Share your CSR report with external stakeholders, experts, or organizations specializing in sustainability reporting. Seek their feedback and suggestions for improvement. 

External perspectives can help identify blind spots and provide insights for enhancing the quality of your report.

Monitor and evaluate impact

Continuously monitor and evaluate the impact of your CSR initiatives. Collect feedback from stakeholders, track key performance indicators, and assess the outcomes of your programs.

Use this information to inform future reporting and refine your CSR strategies.

Conclusion 

Remember, a high-quality CSR report is an ongoing process. It should reflect your organization’s commitment to transparency, accountability, and sustainability. 

Always review and update the report for it to remain relevant. It should align with the evolving Corporate Social Responsibility priorities. Finally, click the link here to learn more about CSR.

Chip shop open as usual

The Editor
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Chip shop open as usual
Chip shop open as usual

In an age when the certainties of the past can so seldom be relied upon, thank God (can we still say that?) for the Great British chippy (Chip Shop).

Through the thick and thin of war, famine, Brexit, postal strikes, rail strikes, nurses strikes, inclement weather, disease, poverty, the endangered status of the Sumatran tiger, and institutional racism within the Ghanaian Royal Family (terribly black balcony), the chip shop down the road is always there, ready to serve up delicious, golden, chipped King Edwards, and battered cod – as white as Adjoa Andoh’s worst nightmare, and as delicious to us Brits as it is to all the Pollock in the sea.

Praise be to British fish & chips! (Am I still allowed to say that?)

Britannia rules the waves

Not even road closures can come between a Brit and their fish supper. If we have to leave the car on the drive and actually walk to retrieve our Friday dose of grease, we will… and nobody can stop us.

For fish and chips is a birthright of the British. We are synonymous with it, and it with us, and everybody knows it. Just like black taxis, red buses, or the Queen, whoops! King, people all over the world acknowledge that when it comes to eating smelly, oversalted, greasy food from a sheet of yesterday’s well-thumbed newspaper, no-one does it quite like the Brits.

And for most of us, that’s about as good as it gets – but it’s enough. Whatever the real reason for the British tradition of eating fish on a Friday, part of it is that our much-loved fish tea is a treat. A reward, for all the crap we have to put up with during the rest of the week.

Queuing for fish and chips, for that is what can be witnessed in every village, town, and city across Britain on a Friday evening – queues of people waiting in line patiently to be served – is akin to queuing for tickets to the theatre, or to meet a famous author, or to ride on a Ferris wheel, yet without the impatience or mild annoyance that goes with the latter. Queuing for fish and chips (or a pie, saveloy, or sausage in batter, if that’s what you fancy) is a pleasure and a privilege that all who partake in, enjoy – thoroughly.

So a word to the wise. For all you woke warriors out there, waiting for an opportunity to find a problem with this one, enduring and cherished British tradition – keep your greasy hands off!

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