SOMEONE’S DOORSTEP, SUFFOLK – Domino’s Pizza proudly unveiled its latest delivery innovation (bike): the HEATED Domino’s DXB e-bike. Ta-da!
By Colin Allcabs, Consumer Editor
The state-of-the-art two-wheeler features a revolutionary “temperature-controlled pizza pod”. Designed to keep pizzas piping hot during their journey from the oven to the customer’s doorstep.
Sporting 20-inch wheels, a discreetly integrated battery in the downtube, and a rear hub-driven motor. The DXB e-bike was poised to redefine the pizza delivery game. A specially designed kickstand ensured stability when loading and unloading the precious cargo. And the addition of lights on the wheels aimed to enhance visibility in the darkest corners of pizza-craving neighbourhoods. It even has a hooter that plays the melody of ‘We’re Going to Ibiza’ by the Venga Boys. AMAZING!
F*ck Ben & Jerry’s
However, even as the pizza giant was fist-pumping itself over its cutting-edge creation, a chilling revelation began to unfold—literally. Domino’s, in its culinary excitement, seemingly forgot about one of the biggest-selling items on its menu: Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. Reports started pouring in that by the time the DXB e-bike completed its delivery circuit. The once-frozen delights of Phish Food and Cookie Dough had transformed into sorrowful puddles of wet chocolate redolent of squitty diarrhoea.
Pizza bike INNOVATION
Domino’s quickly issued a statement, acknowledging the unforeseen consequence of their bi-cyclical innovation. “We regret to inform our customers that the DXB e-bike’s temperature-controlled pizza pod is shit and doesn’t work. Customers shall be entitled to a full refund on any diarrhoea, er, I mean, chocolate ice-cream orders.”
The DXB e-bikes have been hastily pulled off the delivery circuit for a swift redesign. Insiders say that the new model features wheels made of 13.5 inch Tuna Supreme pizzas and pedals fashioned from garlic bread.