HORSHAM, WEST SUSSEX – Scientists say that media personality and former tit model, Katy Price a.k.a. ‘Jordan’ is ‘less intelligent than a horse’.
In news that might shock the worlds of showbiz & hippology (the study of horses – honestly!), clever scientists have revealed that based on a series of scientific comparisons with Katy Price, 54, the average horse is more likely to be able to jump over a bush without breaking its legs than the talented, glamorous ex-wife of South African pop singer, Peter Andre.
The detailed, science-based tests revealed that horses:-
possess the intelligence of a 3-year-old child
can recognize themselves in a mirror
can learn complex tricks or commands
From this data, the horse boffins were able to conclude that horses are in fact way more intelligent than Price.
Are other animals smarter than Katy Price?
Famous zoologist, Dr Doolittle says that there is evidence that demonstrates some other species of animal are in fact, smarter than Katy Price. For example:-
Raccoon
Raccoons’ hearing is so sensitive they can make out earthworms chatting underground.
Octopus
Octopuses are the smartest invertebrates (W.C. ‘animals without backbones’) on the planet. They have eight legs and there is no record in history of an octopus ever breaking one jumping over a bush into an underground car park.
Chimpanzee
Chimps share 95 to 98 percent of DNA with humans. Although this doesn’t necessarily make them smarter than Price, it almost certainly does her car dealer boyfriend, Carl Woods.
CHEDBURGH, EAST SUFFOLK – Three feral goats roam the slopes of Great Wood Hill near Chedburgh, East Suffolk.
We all know the story of the Three Billy Goats Gruff who outwitted a troll to reach a lush green meadow on the far side of the bridge he was guarding. Well now – just like the rebellious Marxist pigs of East Suffolk – the feral goats of East Suffolk have turned the tables on us humans.
In a terrifying reversal of Jørgen Moe and Peter Christen Asbjørnsenthe’s famous children’s story of 1841, it is the goats who now guard the path to the promised land, in this case, the summit of Great Wood Hill.
The highest point in the English county of Suffolk. The Great Wood Hill, a popular hiking destination, has long been a cherished spot for outdoor enthusiasts seeking stunning views of the East Suffolk countryside.
However, the goats, nicknamed; Ferdinand, Houdini, and Ramzilla, have issued a stern warning to any unsuspecting hiker daring to venture toward their newfound kingdom.
Recent attempts by seasoned hikers to traverse the roads and paths leading up the hillside have been met with intimidation, menacing stares, head-tossing demonstrations, the stomping of hooves, and on occasion, vicious butting, kicking and skewering, all designed to dissuade any ambitious hiker from attempting to surpass their coveted domain.
Very disconcerting
One outdoor type who attempted to summit the hill, Jane Fathom, 32, recounted her bizarre experience with the goat overlords. “As I was making my way up the hill, I noticed these three goats standing in a line, staring at me with an air of superiority. One of them turned away from me and took a shit.
The other two started to move towards me. I thought they were just curious at first, but as they got closer, one of them stared me right in the eyes and mouthed the human words ‘Fuck off’. It was very disconcerting.”
Efforts to appease the goats with offerings of grass or food have met with failure, so much so that the local council is now considering various options to ensure the safety of hikers while respecting the goats‘ newfound authority. Ideas range from posting warning signs to re-routing hiking trails or fencing off pathways.
We asked another passing hiker how he would deal with the three Billy Goats? ‘Kick ‘em in the bollocks’ came his curt reply.
How would you handle a stubborn, hill-dwelling goat? Why not discuss it with a bored friend?
Uproar broke out in the quaint English County of Suffolk yesterday as pigs decided they had enough of their traditional sty-bound lives.
Tired of wallowing in mud and hay, the rebellious Marxist swine sought a radical change and a taste of the “big pig city” dream.
In a series of events that read like scenes from George Orwell’s ‘Animal Farm’, a clever pig named Sir Oinkington III, a self-proclaimed connoisseur of human culture, who lived on High Farm in rural East Suffolk, stumbled upon a classified ad for a stylish town apartment while reading the farmer’s discarded newspapers. Enthralled by the idea of not having to live, eat and sleep in his own shit, he decided to start an uprising.
We are all equal…
With oinks and snorts, Sir Oinkington III argued for porkers to have the right to live in houses alongside humans. Other pigs in the county initially dismissed his idea as hogwash, but his charismatic squeals soon won them over. They formed the “Pigs for Integration into Sophisticated Society” (P.I.S.S.) movement and began campaigning to live in peace, side by side with humans – most of whom are fatter than they are.
After their mass escape, Sir Oinkington helped the socialist snorters quickly adapt to city life. Wearing fashionable bow ties and bonnets, they attended tea parties, discussed literature, and even took up playing the piano with their foretrotters. They danced, sang, and made friends with the locals, impressing everyone with their wit, intellect, and charm.
…but some are more equal than others
The integration of the pigs of East Suffolk has been so successful in fact, that Sir Oinkington III was recently appointed as the Conservative leader of East Suffolk Council. I asked one local resident what he thought of the idea of a pig controlling the entire budget for East Suffolk.
“A tory pig in charge of the council? No change there then.”
Popular German (Boooo!) supermarket Lidl has announced it is to close eleven stores in the USA.
Disappointing sales at stores in USA; Las Vegas, Disneyland, New York, The Grand Canyon, and the Yukon trail are cited as the reason for the closures which will reduce the number of stores in the USA to 179.
Frilly Munich-ers
Americans have taken the German (Boooo!) brand to their hearts ever since its first store opened in the Kmart Plaza in Iowa City, Iowa, in 1976. Items on sale in those days included; multi-coloured wooden building blocks, toy tool sets, buffalo meat, roller skates, frilly knickers, and German disco records – the best of which was probably ‘Daddy Cool’ by Boney M.
Money’s too tight to Mönchengladbach
The Editor at the SUFFOLK GAZETTE is too tight to send me to America to follow-up the story, so I picked a random telephone number out of a 1976 Iowa City telephone directory which I was fortunate to find in an Ipswich charity shop…
Riiiiing – Riiiiing – Riiiiing – “Howdy! You’ve all reached 319-335-35001. Aaam afraid no cotton-pickin’ person is at home right now! But if yuur a-callin’ to ask how us folks in Iowa feel about the local Lidl store a-closin’, then leave a message after the goddam tone. Thankya friend! Now y’all have a good day y’hear!”
I couldn’t be arsed to leave a message on that man’s ansaphone so I just scribbled down some made up answers to my questions:
A. Weeeeeeeel, let me tell y’all a little old stowry about when I was a liddle kid and…
Q. Are you upset or not?
A. Weeeeeeeel, I can’t rightly say that I’m naaaaat upset, but….
That’s everything thank you. Goodbye.
Germans declare war on Britain
Following the announcement of its USA closures, a Lidl press release suggests that additional closures in the UK could follow. Yes, that’s correct – LIDL CLOSURES IN THE UK!!!!!!
If you want to find out whether or not this is actually true, keep coming back to read the SUFFOLK GAZETTE – It’s completely FREE on the internet.
Four toothless workers stuck in a treacle factory for the last 85 years have been freed at last, the SUFFOLK GAZETTE can report.
The four old-timers, last seen by their families in 1938 when their ages ranged from 12-16, were discovered playing cards and drinking tea when stunned workmen arrived at the site to reopen its doors after more than eight decades.
History of treacle workers
John Pedant’s Treacle Factory of Lowestoft first opened in 1874, and by 1900 was exporting treacle across the globe, especially to Greece, where the locals used the thick, gloopy treacle to capture sparrows on a long stick for the purposes of eating them.
By the late thirties, with the rise of fascism across Europe, Pedant was forced to stop producing his famous treacle which Adolf Hitler had added to his list of ‘degenerate foodstuffs’. Consequently, the factory closed its doors in 1938 and, until a week last Thursday when the incredible discovery of ‘the treacle four’ was made, had not seen the light of day – or night.
Dead families
Upon Treacle workers release, the four men; Burl Greerson, 96, Logan Jack, 100, Vern Jephcots, 101, and Ossie Wheeler, 99, were taken to Colchester hospital where they are being kept under close supervision. Dr. Guptal Singh told reporters gathered at the hospital that as a result of treacle (along with cups of tea and roll-up cigarettes) being the only sustainable foodstuff available to them in their 85 years trapped inside the factory, the four would have to undergo a gradual process of withdrawal from treacle dependency, as well as be appraised of world events of the last 85 years and the deaths of their entire extended families.
Asked how the four had become trapped in the first place, Singh said that he had asked the four gentlemen but that none of them could remember as it was such a long time ago.
Did you know?
Black Treacle, made from Cane Molasses – a product of the sugar beet and sugar cane refinement processes, is a great source of minerals and is also useful for adhering hairpieces such as toupes and fake mustaches to one’s skin for theatrical or espionage-related purposes.
Following the recent news about an Australian porn star with two vaginas, Wilko has jumped on the fannywagon and started offering cunts for only £2.40!
Now, the craze for additional sex organs is sweeping the nation with women, men, thems and theys of all sexual tastes and persuasions adopting ‘second snatches’ with which they can now urinate at twice the normal speed, indulge in ‘doublesex’, or just impress their friends at dinner parties.
BOGGOF (Buy One Gash, Get One Free)
Also featured in the new ‘extra body parts’ range being introduced into Wilko stores from a fortnight Wednesday are: cock (£2.40), Clitoris (£4.80), anus (£2.40), Fallopian tube (£7.80 each or two for £14), and tits (£4.80 a pair).
With the rest of the world seemingly going mad, it is good to be able to rely on the relative normalcy of being able to simply walk into a shop and buy a cunt or an anus (although to be fair, people have been doing that in London’s Soho for years.)
So with birthdays just around the corner, why not pop down to Wilko and get your best mate a new cock, or treat your wife to a shiny new clitoris to replace her old, worn-out, one!
Making the leap from a small business to something bigger can be as challenging as getting a business going in the first place. Read this guide to make things a little easier, and make your growth sustainable.
The Growth Trajectory
Scaling a small business into a medium-sized enterprise is a significant accomplishment that requires a thorough understanding of the growth trajectory. This transition isn’t a mere increment in the number of employees or sales figures; it is about experiencing structural changes, modifying business strategies, and establishing a strong foundation for further growth.
The journey begins with understanding the difference between a small business and a medium-sized enterprise. A small business typically operates locally or regional with a relatively small workforce and a limited market share. On the other hand, a medium-sized enterprise expands its footprint, offering products or services at a national or even international level, supported by a larger team and more complex operational processes.
Moving from one level to the next necessitates a systematic and strategic approach. Scaling up involves a combination of enhancing operational efficiency, widening the customer base, and diversifying the product or service offerings while ensuring financial sustainability. One must comprehend the dynamics of scaling up to navigate the challenges successfully and utilise opportunities that come with growth.
Preparing For Growth
A solid foundation is crucial for scaling up a small business to a medium-sized enterprise. This involves setting up the groundwork to handle the increased workload, managing new hires, and preparing for the shift in business dynamics. Here are a few essential steps to ensure your business is ready for the leap.
Firstly, defining a clear vision for your business is paramount. This vision should include the direction of your growth and the goals you wish to achieve. Having a clear roadmap guides decision-making and keeps everyone in the organisation aligned.
Secondly, a solid financial plan is critical. Scaling up involves substantial financial investment. Ensure your current and projected cash flows can support your growth plan. Seek external financing if necessary but be careful to avoid over-leveraging your business.
Thirdly, invest in a robust infrastructure. This includes everything from office spaces to technology. Having the right tools will enable your team to manage the increase in workload efficiently.
Lastly, develop your team. Hiring the right people and fostering a growth-minded culture within the organisation is key to success. This will prepare your team to embrace the changes that come with scaling up.
Maintaining The Resources You Need For Growth
In the age of digital transformation, your PC infrastructure becomes an integral part of your business operations as you scale from a small to a medium-sized enterprise. Whether it’s for communication, data storage, or executing specific tasks, the robustness of your PC infrastructure often determines your business’s efficiency and productivity.
Maintaining a healthy PC infrastructure is essential. This entails regular software updates to ensure systems are secure and functioning optimally. A strong cybersecurity plan is crucial, as the risks of data breaches and cyber threats increase with business size. This includes regular backups, using secure networks, and educating your team about best practices.
You can recover a surprising amount of disk space by squeezing pdf files to a smaller size. Smallpdf has a powerful and useful tool that can compress pdf files down and give you back acres of space on your hard drives. This can speed your laptop or PC up, helping you to do more in a shorter amount of time. This simple hack can be incredibly valuable; you cannot buy time.
Invest in reliable hardware that can handle your operations’ increasing demands. Consider the scalability of your equipment, it should be able to accommodate growth without constant replacement or upgrade. Equally important is having a tech support system, either in-house or outsourced, to address technical issues promptly, minimising downtime.
A scalable and resilient PC infrastructure supports your existing operations and provides a platform for future growth. So, make regular audits and proactive maintenance a part of your business routine to ensure the backbone of your enterprise is strong.
Building Your Base
Customer Relationship Management (CRM) tools can help you grow your customer base quickly. This is critical to scaling up from a small business to a medium-sized enterprise and sustaining growth. A robust CRM system captures and organises customer data across various touchpoints, providing insights into customer behaviour, needs, and preferences. This valuable information can drive personalised marketing strategies, enabling your business to attract more customers and retain existing ones.
Beyond marketing, CRM systems also streamline sales processes and improve customer service. This helps ensure a seamless and satisfying experience for your customers. CRM can automate repetitive tasks in a growing business, freeing up your team’s time to focus on strategic growth activities.
Choose a CRM platform that aligns with your business needs and growth plans. It should be scalable, easy to use, and integrated with other business systems. CRM is not just a technology but a strategic approach to managing customer relationships, and its successful implementation requires commitment from all levels of the organisation. Leveraging CRM effectively can accelerate your journey to becoming a medium-sized enterprise by helping you understand, attract, and retain a growing customer base.
Finding Funding
Scaling a small business to a medium-sized enterprise often requires substantial financial investment. Your business will likely need funds to hire more employees, expand product lines, increase marketing efforts, or possibly move into larger premises.
Self-funding or bootstrapping is a common starting point for many businesses. It involves reinvesting profits back into the business to fuel growth. While this method gives you more control, it might not provide sufficient capital for larger scale-up efforts.
Bank loans and credit lines can offer larger sums of money at relatively low-interest rates. However, these options often require collateral and a proven track record of profitability.
Venture capital and private equity funds invest in growing businesses in exchange for equity. These funds can provide substantial financial resources and often come with the added benefit of strategic guidance. However, they typically demand a significant share of your business and can influence its direction.
Crowdfunding and peer-to-peer lending platforms are newer funding options. They can provide access to capital from a large number of investors, but typically at higher interest rates. The right funding can significantly facilitate your journey from a small business to a medium-sized enterprise.
Making More Of Marketing
In today’s digital age, leveraging the right software and online marketing strategies can propel your business growth, making the leap from a small to a medium-sized enterprise smoother and faster. Online marketing tools can extend your reach beyond local or regional boundaries, opening doors to national or even global audiences. Social media platforms, email marketing, search engine optimisation (SEO), and pay-per-click advertising can be powerful drivers of customer acquisition and engagement.
Managing these channels effectively demands the use of robust marketing software. Online tools can help you to automate and streamline your online marketing efforts, providing analytics to help optimize your strategies. These systems can track customer behaviours and preferences, enabling you to create personalised, targeted campaigns that boost conversion rates.
On the operational side, project management software can help coordinate team activities and track progress towards your growth goals. Don’t forget the importance of cybersecurity software to protect your business’s valuable data as you scale. Investing in the right software and online marketing strategies can turbocharge your business expansion, helping you make that crucial leap to becoming a medium-sized enterprise.
Follow these tips and you can expand your business without feeling the strain of stretched resources or a time crunch. Take control of your growth and manage it, so that you can sustain it.
The BBC has announced its plans to revive the classic 1970’s prison comedy ‘Porridge’ with former UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson in the lead role of Norman Stanley Fletcher, originally portrayed by the legendary comedian Ronnie Barker.
The recently retired PM got the nod in a run-off against news anchor and dirty old man, Huw Edwards, who, in light of recent revelations about his not-so-private life was also seriously considered for the role.
BBC plan
BBC executives however decided that Johnson’s impeccable comedic timing and knack for getting into sticky situations made him the perfect candidate to bring the beloved character back to life. After all, who better to navigate the treacherous waters of HMP Slade than a man who has made a career out of high crimes and misdemeanors?
Nerk
The plot will revolve around Fletcher’s attempts to escape from the clutches of the prison system and return triumphantly to Downing Street, with Johnson’s version of the character employing his trademark bluster and bumbling charm.
Viewers can look forward to hilarious scenes of tubby ‘nerk’, Johnson getting stuck in tunnels, accidentally unlocking cell doors, and charming his way out of trouble with his disheveled hair and well-timed one-liners.
The popular character
Rumours that other popular characters from the show are to be portrayed by former party colleagues are unconfirmed but MPs; Matt Hancock, Michael Gove, and James Cleverly are reported to have read for the parts of Lenny Godber, Warren, and McLaren respectively.
The character of gay inmate, Lukewarm, played by Christopher Biggins in the original show could be filled by any number of fat, homosexual Tory MPs.
Scrote
Critics have already begun to speculate about the show’s potential for satire. With Johnson’s colorful political career, it’s hard not to draw parallels between his real-life escapades and the shenanigans of the fictional inmate.
From broken promises to controversial decisions, it seems like ‘scrote’ Johnson has been preparing for this role his whole life.
As news of the casting broke, social media erupted with a mix of excitement and disbelief. While some praised the BBC for their unusually impartial choice, others questioned whether Johnson’s acting chops could live up to Barker’s iconic portrayal.
