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Norfolk Dumpling Famine book to top Christmas charts

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By Ivor Traktor, Farming Correspondent (intern)

A fascinating book about the devastating 1840 Norfolk Dumpling Famine is heading for the top of this year’s Christmas best-sellers list.

Suffolk author Derek Trotter has uncovered new evidence about the horrific famine, which wiped out tens of thousands of Norfolk peasants and sparked the war with Suffolk which, like that between North and South Korea, is still not “officially” over.

Mr Trotter, 73, of Lowestoft, has pieced together new claims that it was undercover agents from Suffolk who caused the famine by introducing a virus that prevented the dumplings from growing.

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Upsetting: book reveals full horror of the great Norfolk Dumpling Famine of 1840
The 1840 dumpling crop failed across the whole of Norfolk, leaving entire villages and even small towns with no food supplies.

Rather than starve, and in desperate attempts to escape violence and hardship, tens of thousands of Norfolk peasants began trying to cross the border into wealthy Suffolk from March 1840.

But guards refused entry, sparking skirmishes that escalated quickly into full-scale conflict, with pitchforks and shovels used to awful effect by both sides.

Those so-called Dumpling Dustups began the fierce hostilities that remain between Norfolk and Suffolk today. The war has never been truly declared over, and fights continue in the borderlands and when the counties’ two football teams meet up.

Mr Trotter said: “It took years of research, but my book will for the first time reveal it was Suffolk dirty work that caused the famine.

“It tells how the peasants watched in horror as their dumpling crop failed in front of their eyes, causing social unrest and eventually war with Suffolk.

“The book then details how a scientist from Cromer came up with an antidote for the dumpling virus, and how crops were able to recover from 1841 onwards – but not before 37,000 Norfolk people died.”

Mr Trotter’s book, published by the Suffolk Defence Archive, is available from all good book shops, and some bad ones, priced at a very reasonable £4.99.

Essex woman fury over ‘tight’ scarf

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By Colin Allcabs, Consumer Correspondent

A woman from Essex is furious because a local store will not change her “faulty” tight scarf.

Blonde-haired Chelsea Gooch, 24, claimed the four-foot woollen garment became far too tight each time she tied it around her neck.

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“Debenhams should have exchanged the scarf for another, or given me my money back. It’s disgusting,” she fumed.

Chelsea, an executive assistant trainee administrator beauty technician from Witham, had intended to enjoy a day of shopping in London’s Stratford to stock up her wardrobe for Autumn.

But she stood on the wrong platform and ended up on a train to Ipswich instead.

She said she decided to stay in Ipswich to get her clothes, but will now “never return” because of the tight scarf incident.

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A Debenhams insider told the Suffolk Gazette: “We are sorry Miss Gooch is upset. We did suggest that if she did not pull the ends of the scarf together so hard it would not be tight.

“Sadly she would not take our advice on board. Thousands of women enjoy our scarf collection each Autumn, and no one else has a problem.”

The £5.99 blue-coloured scarf is now discarded in a cupboard at Chelsea’s apartment.

“It’s no use to me,” she said. “I might give it to my mum for Christmas – she’s smaller than me so it will fit her.”

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Mature woman is sexual predator

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Exclusive
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Police are warning men not to be taken in by an attractive older woman who is trawling Suffolk pubs offering to fulfill drinkers’ fantasies of having sex with a mother and her daughter.

Officers say the shapely blonde, believed to be in her late fifties, targets a vulnerable man sitting alone in a bar and offers to buy him a drink.

After a while of innocent chat, she asks if he has ever fantasised about a threesome with a woman and her daughter.

If the man, fuelled by a few pints of lager, shows interest, she invites him back to her house in Ipswich.

One victim, 27, who was too embarrassed to be named, issued a statement via the Suffolk Police press office to explain what happens.

He said: “I had enjoyed a couple of drinks and this woman, although a mature lady, was strikingly attractive.

“I had often wondered what it must be like to have a threesome with a woman and her daughter, so I couldn’t believe my luck when she suggested just that after sidling up to me in the pub.

“When we got back to her place I was getting very excited, and was told to wait in the sitting room.

“Only then did I discover the terrible truth. As I sat there, the woman went to the bottom of the stairs and shouted up, ‘Mum, are you still awake?’

“I’ve never run out of a house so quick in my life.”

A police spokesman said: “This woman is not breaking any laws, but she is not being entirely truthful with the poor young men she is befriending in pubs.”

Suffolk police Apache helicopter is back

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Exclusive
By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

Suffolk Police’s controversial Apache gunship helicopter is patrolling the skies again after the force’s pilots completed a rigorous training regime.

The fearsome helicopter was mothballed earlier this year when confused police pilots accidentally blew up a vicarage in Needham Market.

They became baffled by the gunship’s hi-tech weaponry and navigation systems, and fired off a lethal Hellfire sidewinder missile by mistake, causing severe damage to the vicarage while the vicar Evan Elpuss was hosting members of the local Women’s Institute for afternoon tea.

Thankfully no one was seriously hurt in the incident, which occurred while the Apache was chasing down a bicycle thief, although WI treasurer Gladys Worthington-Smyth was injured by a flower pot.

Now Suffolk Police, under pressure to shave more than £125million from its budget, is bringing back the deadly chopper to become the most effective crime deterrent in the country.

Fearsome: police pilots have completed training so they don’t fire missiles accidentally
With policemen on the beat being axed, and community service officers trimmed back, criminals will be terrified to operate in Suffolk knowing that the police Apache helicopter could appear over the treeline at any moment.

A force spokesman pointed out that the gunship would also prove to be highly effective in combatting the waves of country bumpkin migrants trying to get into Suffolk from Norfolk every night.

A police insider said: “The Apache sends a very powerful message to the criminal fraternity, and this will be a great comfort to the law-abiding people of Suffolk.

“Apple scrumpers, speeding motorists, car-tax dodgers – they’ll all be fair game as we crackdown on crime.

“And now our pilots have completed the new training course, there is much less chance of them accidentally firing off a missile towards a primary school, or spraying the main shopping street in Woodbridge with machine gun fire.”

Meanwhile, The Rev Evan Elpuss has forgiven the police for blowing up his beloved Victorian vicarage.

“These things happen,” he said, while writing this Sunday’s sermon from his caravan.

Tesco shelves random placement of goods

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By Colin Allcabs
Consumer Correspondent

Embattled Tesco bosses have announced a radical plan to start putting produce in logical areas of their stores in order to improve profits.

They intend to help customers find what they’re looking for quickly – and will use stores in Suffolk to test out the improvements.

The supermarket giant announced today its profits had tumbled by half to £354 million in the face of stiff competition. Like-for-like sales were down 1.1% and bosses revealed the outlook remained challenging.

But they were upbeat with claims that logical placement of goods on the shelves would soon turn their fortunes around.

A retail insider said: “For example, Tesco will now put peanuts with the other crisps and savoury snacks instead of randomly putting them on the other side of the store. That really makes no sense at all, and simply causes their customers much anguish and confusion.

“They’ll also put the eggs somewhere obvious. Everyone buys eggs, but no one really knows where they are because Tesco just put them amongst loads of other random stuff. One customer reported recently finding eggs next to flour.

“Many examples come to light – such as lime juice not being positioned next to lemon juice, or cream cheese being nowhere near cheese.”

Shoppers outside one of Ipswich’s Tesco stores, which will begin trials next week, backed the plans. Mum-of-seven Val Timpson said: “If it means I can do my shop quicker, and stop having to walk around and around looking for something, only to find it in the least obvious place, then I’m all for it.”

Customers also said TEsco would do well to help men feel less awkward at checkouts.

Police raid Foo King Chinese restaurant

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EXCLUSIVE
By Hugh Dunnett
Crime Correspondent

Suffolk police have forced a Chinese restaurant to close following complaints about its lewd name and menu.

The Foo King restaurant only opened in Sudbury a month ago, but the town’s residents failed to take warmly to the owners’ food selection.

Police received a stream of complaints and were forced to raid the premises on Tuesday night.

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Wonton destruction: the Foo King restaurant

Owner Wai Hung Lo, 37, was arrested on suspicion of possessing offensive foodstuffs, and was released on bail pending further inquiries.

He was furious when contacted by the Suffolk Gazette, blaming ignorant locals for misinterpreting his Far Eastern delicacies such as Sum Dum Fuc, Hoo Flung Poo and Suk Mi Wang.

“We cook good traditional food from the Fah Flung province of China. It is quite uncommon for this food to be prepared here in England, so I am not surprised some people have not heard of many of the dishes before.

“But to read the names of the dishes and think we are being rude is very offensive to my country and traditions. Sudbury does not deserve us, and we will be looking to take our Suk Mi Wang speciality dish elsewhere.”

A police spokesman said: “We acted in good faith following complaints from residents. Although Mr Hung Lo was preparing genuine traditional dishes, we’re afraid the names simply do not translate very well here.”

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Don’t tell him, Pike

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In this classic Dad’s Army episode from the 1970s, Captain Mainwaring and his men have captured a group of Nazi naval officers. In one of the most famous sitcom lines of its generation, Private Pike gets identified accidentally to the German officer.

The clip is from the episode called ‘The Deadly Attachment’ – and as many of the scenes were filmed in the Thetford area, we can almost claim it as being part of our Suffolk heritage.

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Woman shunned after finishing Christmas shopping

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By Colin Allcabs
Consumer Correspondent

A woman who boasted she had already completed all her Christmas shopping has been shunned by her friends and run out of town.

Judith Pyle-Smith told pals at a charity coffee morning that she had also wrapped all the gifts in glossy paper, tied fabulous red-ribbon bows, and written on delicate home-made name tags.

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And to add insult to injury, the Suffolk mother-of-three then posted a status on Facebook saying she could now sit back and relax while the rest of Britain gets increasingly frenzied in the coming months.

But Pyle-Smith is not smiling now, after her friend became incensed by her smug behaviour.

“She’s just a show-off,” one of her former friends told us. “It’s been the same every year. She thinks she’s so clever getting all her bits and pieces together over the summer while the rest of us leave Christmas shopping to the last minute and end up panicking.

“She’s clearly got way too much time on her hands.”

Ho bloody Ho: keen shopper was shunned

Pyle-Smith, 33, has now been unfriended by everyone on Facebook and been barred from her social circle in Ipswich.

She is now selling up and house-hunting in Norfolk.

“I’m confused,” she told the Suffolk Gazette. “I thought I would be an inspiration to busy mothers everywhere and people would love to hear how clever and efficient I have been.

“I didn’t even get a chance to tell them that I had already booked next summer’s holiday.”

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