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Norfolk accidents rise as locals point at cars

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Norfolk accidents rise as locals point at cars

Pointing at cars

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Accidents in Norfolk are on the rise because locals are standing around pointing at cars.

Motor vehicles have only recently been introduced to many parts of the county, and the new technology has astounded residents.

They stop in the middle of dirt tracks with their mouths open, pointing at passing cars and grunting in wonder.

But 16 of them have already been run over by drivers desperate to escape, fearing they have stumbled into a real-life version of The Deliverance. It’s as if they can hear the Duelling Banjos as they drive through.

Sales representative Pete Burgess-Biggerstaff said: “I was somewhere near Downham Market, driving down this terrible dirt road when all these yokels ran out of their hovels and started pointing at me and making weird noises.

“It was like a scene from The Walking Dead. I couldn’t wait to get away, so I turned south and headed for the safety of Suffolk.”

A spokesman for Norfolk police confirmed the car had been seen for several years in Norwich and even Great Yarmouth, but in more far-flung areas of the county it is a novelty.

“As a result, the locals there have not quite got the hang of road safety,” confirmed Inspector Noah Clowes. “Unfortunately this has led to many accidents because they simply stand in the road and point at stare at any car that approaches. Sixteen have been hit and injured.

“Unfortunately for motorists, many insurance companies will not offer Norfolk cover, so they have to pick up the repair bills themselves.”

Broadchurch takes another bizarre twist as Beth Latimer turns into Doctor Who

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Broadchurch takes another bizarre twist as Beth Latimer turns into Doctor Who

Beth Latimer Doctor Who

Far-fetched rural crime drama Broadchurch took another bizarre plot twist today when Beth Latimer left Dorset to become the new Doctor Who.

Mrs Latimer, whose son was murdered in series one, and who coincidentally went on to become a rape counsellor in series three, handily putting her back at the centre of another weird storyline, will swap the sleepy south-west coastal town for interplanetary travel in the Tardis.

She will be the 13th Doctor Who – and the first woman doctor.

But in a further blow to Broadchurch’s claim to be a normal place, she is not the first person from the town to be the doctor.

That was detective inspector Alec Hardy, who took a sabbatical from the police force in order to battle Daleks and Cybermen from 2005 to 2010.

DI Alec Hardy was Doctor Who

Beth Latimer’s estranged husband, Mark, was furious she was leaving Broadchurch to save the universe. “Our boy is dead and she wants to play doctors.

“She could end up getting hurt, which happens to a lot of people in Broadchurch. The Daleks could get her, but I have advised her to run upstairs if they turn up because they won’t be able to follow her.”

Broadchurch TV drama

Beth Latimer’s appointment as the BBC’s new Doctor was announced in a special trailer video just after the Wimbledon Men’s Singles tennis final, won by Roger Federer, who has never been to Broadchurch.

BBC insiders are now speculating if the doctor’s new assistant might also come from Broadchurch, with detective sergeant Ellie Miller hotly tipped to join up.

But the Broadchurch vicar, the Rev Paul Coates, is known to be increasingly frustrated doing God’s work, and might fancy a spin with Beth Latimer in the blue police phone box.

Country folk furious as EU bans straw sucking

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Country folk furious as EU bans straw sucking

Straw sucking

It’s been a simple pleasure for country folk for hundreds of years, but now a ridiculous EU ruling has banned straw sucking.

Generations of yokels, farmers and village idiots have wandered about with a piece of wheat or barley in their mouths without coming to any harm.

But now meddling Brussels bureaucrats fear pesticides used on modern-day crops could cause harm if straw is sucked upon.

The ruling was tucked away in the small print of a recent Agriculture bill passed through the House of Commons at the behest of the European court.

It means any person caught with a piece of straw in the mouth could be fined £100 on the spot.

Farmers are furious because they could also be fined if someone takes a piece of straw from one of their fields and pops it in their mouth.

Straw sucking

“Are we supposed to put warning signs up?” fumed farmer’s wife Amanda Payne, of Cavendish in Suffolk. “My husband has been sucking on straw all his life and he has never come to any harm.

“I also am partial to a piece of straw. What am I going to suck on now?”

A spokesman for the EU agriculture department explained: “We cannot stand idly by and watch country folk ingesting pesticides and goodness know what else while sucking on endless bits of untreated straw.

“It may seem petty but we have a responsibility to look after the health and well-being of the public.”

Brexit campaigners fear this is just one of hundreds of bonkers measures the EU may force on Britain before it leaves.

Queen offers Lowestoft to Spain in order to keep Gibraltar

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Queen offers Lowestoft to Spain in order to keep Gibraltar

By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

The Queen has offered the Suffolk port of Lowestoft to Spain – if they agree Gibraltar should remain a British territory.

At a state banquet at Buckingham Palace last night, she told King Felipe of Spain that Lowestoft was a key gateway to the North Sea, and a fair swap for Gibraltar’s prime spot between the Atlantic and the Mediterranean.

King Felipe asked his aides to review the town, and was impressed to learn it is Britain’s most easterly point, a nice reflection of Gibraltar’s spot on the southern tip of Spain.

But it is feared he may now send ambassadors to the Suffolk town, who will very quickly realise that Lowestoft is not quite the jewel in the crown that Her Majesty was portraying.

A Buckingham Palace insider said: “Gibraltar has glorious weather, warm blue seas, and a tremendous culture with loads of history.

“Lowestoft is gloomy, the sea is grey, it is full of charity shops and its only cultural high point was being the home town of rockers The Darkness.

Lowestoft's Claremont Pier

Lowestoft: could Spain take over? (Photo: Steve Daniels, CC2.0)
“The Queen is not confident that the Spaniards will go for the deal – she is probably more concerned about being told she has to keep Lowestoft herself. Nobody really wants it.”

Gibraltar has been a thorny issue with the Spanish ever since it was ceded to the British in 1713. Both countries have been arguing ever since, with regular skirmishes between naval vessels off the Rock.

The territory, which is only 6.8 square kilometres and has its own airport, has a population of 32,000, less than half that of Lowestoft, which the Suffolk Gazette revealed recently was going for City of Culture status.

But the two places do have one thing in common – they both have hundreds of apes who roam around stealing things from tourists.

Commuters get cattle troughs and feeder at Ipswich station

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Commuters get cattle troughs and feeder at Ipswich station

Cattle trough

The refurbishment of Ipswich railway station was completed today when long-awaited cattle troughs and feeders were installed for passengers.

Greater Anglia described the equipment as perfect for commuters who are used to cramming onto trains in order to travel to and from London each day.

Three cattle troughs have been set up – two on platform 2 and one on platform 3 – and a feeder is now on the main concourse.

Passenger Roy Everett, 27, from Ipswich, said: “We are treated like cattle on the commute, so it is kind of Greater Anglia to think of our well-being at the station while we wait for the train. Sometimes it is a long wait, after all.”

The units (one of them pictured above) were built on a farm near Westerfield and purchased for just £25,000 each.

A Greater Anglia insider said: “Our critics claim unfairly that it is our management who have their snouts in the trough, a cruel reference to them greedily taking so much money from hard-working passengers.

“But in fact it is those very passengers we are looking after with these feeding stations. Being herded about like cattle is not too bad when you get free refreshment services like this.”

Cattle troughs

During peak hours, when passengers are routinely standing all the way home from London, the cattle feeders and troughs at the station will be refilled regularly.

“This means when they are herded off the train, all tired, grumpy and sweaty, they can grab a free drink from one of the troughs or even some free food from the feeder,” said the Greater Anglia insider.

Former Ipswich MP Ben Gummer had approved the cattle-trough-and-feeder plan – but he is now out of a job and working at McDonalds.

It’s about bloody time, says Virginia Wade

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It’s about bloody time, says Virginia Wade

Virginia Wade

Former Wimbledon champion Virginia Wade says it’s about bloody time that another Brit – Jo Konta – made it to the tournament’s semi-final stages.

No British woman has reached the last four since Wade in 1978, the year after her famous victory in the Queen’s Jubilee Year.

And Wade, 72, was fed up with waiting, suspecting she might have to come out of retirement to give the Brits a chance.

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A pal said: “Each year at Wimbledon, Virginia would watch dejectedly as British contender after British contender failed to trouble the later rounds.

“Finally, Konta’s quarter-final win today against Simona Halep means Virginia can be left in peace every July.”

Konta won her thrilling match 6-7, 7-6, 6-4 in front an ecstatic Centre Court home crowd, many of whom expected it would be another 39 years before a British woman makes it to the semis again.

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Norfolk seeks naming rights to the sandwich

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Norfolk seeks naming rights to the sandwich

Sandwich

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

The rural county of Norfolk has caused outrage throughout Britain by claiming the sole rights to producing the humble sandwich.

Council leaders insist only the Norfolk Sandwich can be sold in UK shops, and have applied to the EU for a Protected Designation Origin Order (PDO).

A statement said the tasty bread-enclosed convenience snack is quite clearly a local invention “because Norfolk has been so in bread for generations”.

The EU issues PDOs for local foodstuffs to prevent copycat enterprises stealing the heritage.

There are more than 70 orders in the UK, including protection for the Melton Mowbray Pie, Cornish pasties, Whitstable oysters, Scotch beef and Jersey royal potatoes.

But an EU insider said Norfolk may struggle in its claim to the sandwich.

A spokesman said: “The application claims everyone in Norfolk is in bread, but this is clearly a typo, so we expect this case to be thrown out.

Norfolk County Council leader Bubba Spuckler, who runs a smallholding near Downham Market with his sister and their eight children, said: “We are in bread in a big way. We demand only Norfolk businesses be allowed to sell a sandwich.”

Traditionally it is said the sandwich was, in fact, invented by John Montagu, the fourth Earl of Sandwich (1718-1792), a British statesman and notorious profligate and gambler. He allegedly was the first to stuff some meat inside two bits of bread in order to eat without having to leave the gaming table.

Dad with tattoo evicted from Aldeburgh home

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Dad with tattoo evicted from Aldeburgh home

A young family has been evicted from their Aldeburgh home because the father was found to have a tattoo.

Dave Smith, 37, kept quiet about the inked tribal-style image on his upper left arm when he signed up for a rental property near the posh town’s seafront.

But residents were horrified when they spotted the tattoo while Mr Smith was washing his van while wearing a vest.

They complained to the town council, and Mr Smith was given the option to remove the tattoo with laser treatment by the end of the month, or face eviction from the town.

The father of two refused to comply, and has now been forced out of his rented terraced home, which would have cost £750,000 on the open market, and moved to Ipswich instead.

“They don’t mind tattoos in Ipswich. In fact you look a bit odd there if you don’t have one,” Mr Smith, a builder, told the Suffolk Gazette.

Tribal tattoo

It’s tattoo much: Mr Smith’s arm went against Aldeburgh bylaws

A spokesman for Aldeburgh Town Council confirmed: “Our bylaws clearly state that you are not allowed to display a tattoo in a public place.

“They are tacky, ugly things designed purely for common people, and having them in a town like ours can only drag down our reputation.

“If these people really want to live by the seaside, we suggest they move to Lowestoft instead, where they will feel completely at home.”

Aldeburgh resident Margery Daw saw Mr Smith with his vest and was furious. “He was cleaning his white van – that’s another thing that should be banned in Aldeburgh – and I saw the tattoo.

“I was enraged, I felt physically sick, and it’s all my friends have talked about at the golf club since.”

Suffolk tattoo artist Clare Phillips said she had never done a tattoo for anyone from Aldeburgh. “They wouldn’t be seen dead in my studio,” she said.

The well-heeled town of Aldeburgh has been accused of snobbery before. We have exposed them for disguising Asda delivery vans as being from Harrods, for having police tanks prevent commoners from reaching town, and even a local police campaign to remove underwear from washing lines.

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