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Concrete tank traps will see off invading Russians

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Concrete tank traps will see off invading Russians

Tank traps

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

World War Two-style tank traps are to be Britain’s main defence against enemy invasion for the next century, it has been confirmed.

Secretary of State for Defence Michael Fallon has revealed the simple concrete blocks are the most cost-effective deterrent in times of austerity.

The traps are being placed randomly along parts of East Anglia’s coastline in a show of strength that will make Putin and his Russian forces think twice before launching an attack.

A defence insider said: “We haven’t got any budget to speak of, so these concrete blocks seem like a good idea.

“They only cost a few quid each and a fork lift truck to put them in place.

“Our top-level strategic review revealed our most likely threat comes from the East – so it makes sense to place some concrete blocks along parts of the East Anglian coastline.

“These will be a brilliant way of stopping the Russians should they think about launching an invasion using tanks from the sea.

“Once the might of the Russian army comes ashore they will be dumfounded by our concrete blocks.

“They’ll have to get back on their ships and go home again.”

Asked what would happen if the Russians decided to launch an attack from the air, or simply launched an assault further up the coast, the insider was unable to answer.

Suffolk residents fear the blocks may not be an effective deterrent after all.

“They’re a bit Dad’s Army, aren’t they?” one beach walker near Sizewell said yesterday as he sat on a block enjoying his lunch.

A spokesman for the Ministry of Defence would not be drawn on the subject.

“This is a top secret operation and we do not discuss sensitive information like this.

“All I can do is reassure the public that these tank traps are effective – the Germans never invaded successfully in World War Two, did they.”

Stay-away Ipswich fan secretly annoyed by great start to season

The Editor
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Stay-away Ipswich fan secretly annoyed by great start to season

ITFC ground

An Ipswich fan has privately admitted that he’s disappointed by Town’s promising start to the new season, after refusing to re-new his season ticket.

Raymond Stubbs – who had previously attended every home game at Portman Road for the past 20 seasons – surrendered his seat citing the ‘stubborn’ nature of Blues boss Mick McCarthy.

Ipswich have since started the new season with four wins from four games, with promising new signings being blended with exciting youngsters, giving fans reason to be cheerful, after one of the worst seasons in the club’s history last time out.

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Speaking to an undercover Suffolk Gazette reporter, Raymond, from Sizewell, revealed that he got fed up with McCarthy’s approach last season.

“Time and time again he failed to acknowledge that times had changed.

“One thing that really annoyed me was how he refused to give the young players an opportunity in the first team, and I’m sure it’s the same this time around.

“McCarthy is a dinosaur and the most stubborn man in Suffolk.

“I haven’t been following the team this year, and only heard about the results due to my daft son continuing to follow the team.”

The perceived change of direction at the club was on show on Tuesday night at Millwall, where the Blues won an exhilarating game 4-3, despite an injury list longer than a bank holiday queue for Fish & Chips in Aldeburgh.

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“Frankly I don’t care how well Ipswich do in the short-term, I won’t be going to Portman Road with that stubborn old dinosaur in charge of the team. And I bet he still plays that Jonathan Douglas bloke.”

Is there anything the former Sunderland and Wolves manager could do to win back Raymond, and other stay-away supporters?

“No.

“He never admits when he’s made a mistake, and his colourful language when speaking to the media really p****s me off.

“I won’t be changing my mind and going back.

“He’s the most stubborn man in Suffolk is McCarthy. And he’s always repeating himself as well.”

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Man employed to sit on Big Ben and shout ‘BONG!’ every hour

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Man employed to sit on Big Ben and shout ‘BONG!’ every hour

Big Ben

A man has been employed to sit at the top of Big Ben and shout “BONG!” very loudly while the bell is being repaired.

Jonathan Squires, 57, of Bury St Edmunds in Suffolk, has to live 24/7 in the clock tower and shout into a megaphone on the hour, every hour.

News that the traditional bell would be silent for four years was met with howls of protest by people with too much time on their hands.

Even Prime Minister Theresa May interrupted her work on important global crises to say it was wrong for Big Ben to be quiet during a lengthy restoration project.

Parliamentary officials decided the best compromise would be to employ a man to shout “BONG!” so tourists would still experience the charm of Big Ben’s chimes.

Mr Squires, a former geography teacher, was selected after proving he emitted the loudest and most realistic “BONG!” out of all the candidates.

He will be paid £24,000 a year, plus meals and accommodation in the 96-metre clock tower, which was built in 1859.

Speaking to journalists at a press conference to unveil him today, Mr Squires said: “I’m looking forward to keeping the nation abreast of the time.

“It’s a simple enough job – I just have to shout “BONG!” into my megaphone the required number of times, on the hour every hour.

“It is an honour to serve my country in this way, and I hope the Prime Minister is satisfied.”

Mr Squires takes up his position next Monday.

More and more Brits are playing American lotteries

The Editor
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More and more Brits are playing American lotteries

The British have a longstanding passion for the lottery, which has made the National Lottery and the EuroMillions thrive these past few years. But while the local games are still going strong, it seems that Brits have developed quite the passion for American lotteries. In this article, we are going to tell you how English players have fallen deep into the temptation of the big foreign lotteries and why.

The entire lottery market has boomed in the past decade, with jackpots reaching unprecedented amounts in big games from all around the world. But while everything got bigger and better, there was one lottery jackpot that got larger than life.

In 2016, the US Powerball has broken the world record for the largest jackpot with its gargantuan prize worth $1.58 billion. It was the first time in the entire history of the lottery when a prize got past the $1 billion threshold.

As you can imagine, the Powerball frenzy of 2016 was not limited to the US because everybody wanted to be part of the game. People were playing Powerball all over the world for a chance to be a part of the legendary draw of January 13th, 2016.

There were three winning tickets for the biggest jackpot of all times, and the enormous excitement of the draw left lottery players everywhere craving for more. As you can imagine, this kept them playing Powerball even after the big draw and it quickly turned them into fans.

Lottery winner

Moreover, the US Powerball is not the only lottery in America to make headlines. Before 2016, the holder of the world record for the largest jackpot was the Mega Millions, which had a staggering $656 million jackpot in 2012.

While these two titans of the American lottery fight each other for the first spot in the game, there are more and more record-breaking prizes to play for, which keeps the temptation of the US lotteries very much alive for Brits.

Considering that the jackpots in the US lotteries are almost twice as big as those in the EuroMillions, it comes as no surprise that the British have expanded their lotto preferences outside European borders.

Moreover, lottery ticket concierge platforms make it incredibly simple to play the lottery online and to participate in games from all over the world. This has broken the special barriers of the game and it has opened players to a worldwide range of lotteries.

It’s an exciting time to play the lottery with the biggest games in the world fighting to steal the show. And it seems that Brits want to be a part of it every step of the way. As long as the top US lotteries are going to have large prizes available, even more Brits are expected to play the American games.

Powdered water to change our lives forever

The Editor
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Powdered water to change our lives forever

H2-ooh powdered water

A Suffolk company has launched a brilliant powdered water product that could revolutionise the way we drink.

Instead of lugging heavy bottles of water about, you now only need a small sachet of the special powdered water which weighs hardly anything at all.

Simply add water to the H2-ooh Powder, stir and you’ll enjoy a perfect drink of water every time.

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The remarkable invention is the brainchild of snake oil sellers Monty’s Python Liniments Inc, based in Haverhill, Suffolk.

Company boss Monty Burns, 59, said they had already received a bulk order for H2-ooh from Norfolk, and were now looking to expand sales elsewhere.

“It’s very easy to make tasty water every time, simply by adding water to one small sachet of H2-ooh. It has gone down a storm in our test market of Norfolk. They’ll buy anything there.”

H2-ooh comes in packets of ten sachets, each capable of making one litre of water. Each pack of ten costs just £7.99 – much cheaper than bottled water.

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“We see this as a great labour-saving invention,” Mr Burns added. “There’s just no need to carry around a bottle of water anymore.”

Monty’s Python Liniments is refusing to say what secret ingredients go in to making H2-ooh.

“It’s a closely-guarded secret,” Mr Burns said. “We don’t want anyone ripping us off.”

H2-ooh is the second exciting invention to come out of Suffolk this summer. Last month we revealed how the HoseAway cordless garden hose, operated by Wifi, was taking the gardening world by storm.

Mr Paul Eaton, of Trading Standards, said he was aware of the new product and would be looking into it.

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Man spotted driving Fiat 500

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Man spotted driving Fiat 500

Man drives Fiat 500

A man has been seen driving a Fiat 500, it has emerged.

Police are now keen to speak to the male motorist, fearing he may be in need of medical attention.

The sighting happened on the B1083 near Alderton in Suffolk on Sunday morning.

Officers say the man with Fiat 500 may have deliberately used quiet country roads to avoid being recognised.

“His plan backfired when he was spotted behind the wheel by a passing cyclist,” a Suffolk Police spokesman explained.

“He was heading towards Woodbridge, where he undoubtedly intended to park in a quiet field outside of the town and walk the rest of the way.

“There is a remote possibility that he could not care that anyone saw him, in which case we’d like to speak with him to make sure he is okay.”

The police were called when the concerned cyclist stopped at the Alderton village shop and asked to use the telephone.

It has been legal for women only to drive the Fiat 500 since it was relaunched to widespread acclaim in 2007.

A Fiat insider said: “We often get males in the showrooms looking around – but only when they are with their wives or girlfriends.

“They often remark about what nice little cars they are but decline the offer of taking them out for a test drive.”

Women can buy a new Fiat 500 from only £10,700. They are available in a range of colours, so long as it is white.

Norfolk locals fear giant washed-up pipe is sea monster

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Norfolk locals fear giant washed-up pipe is sea monster

Pipe washed up

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Norfolk police have been called in to calm restless locals who believe a huge washed-up pipe is a sea monster.

The massive rubber piping came loose while being towed by a ship to Algeria.

It ended up on several Norfolk beaches in massive sections up to 480 metres long and eight foot in diameter.

Terrified locals are convinced the menacing black pipes are monsters from the deep that will move inland to kill them all.

They have been fighting amongst themselves and ransacking local stores for provisions before locking themselves in their cellars.

Inspector Will Knabham, of Norfolk Police, said: “We appeal for calm in Norfolk. These are not sea monsters, at least we don’t think they are.

“Even if they are, they appear to be dead, so there is no need for looting and violence. Everyone should just get back to work.”

Sea monster

Local Winterton-on Sea-resident Chris George said: “There are lots of pipes, but you can count them on one hand. So six.

“The police might say they are not monsters, but we can tell they are. Or it could be witchcraft like this internet thing.”

The rubber pipes were being towed from Norway, where they were built for a huge construction project in Algeria, when they came loose and landed on shore yesterday.

Pipelife, the Norwegian firm which made the pipes, urged people to keep away, warning they risked being crushed.

“See, they are bloody dangerous,” added Mr George.

Orwell Bridge to be closed weekly for livestock crossing

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Orwell Bridge to be closed weekly for livestock crossing

The Orwell Bridge

The discovery of an ancient bylaw means the Orwell Bridge will be closed every Wednesday morning to allow local livestock to cross, it has been revealed.

Police say the three-hour closure is likely to cause traffic chaos in and around Ipswich every week, but the move is unavoidable as they must enforce the law.

Local farmers unearthed an old manuscript at the county records office, dated from 1847, that confirms cattle have “roighte of waye oer the Orwell stream” should a crossing ever be built.

It means at least three farmers who have land on both banks of the river can now exercise their right to move cows and sheep across the huge bridge to fresh pastures.

Suffolk county highways chiefs have called on County Hall lawyers to draw up urgent plans to get the bylaw quashed.

A spokesman said: “When this ancient manuscript was drawn up, it was intended to relate to area in old Ipswich where the river is only 20 feet or so wide. It would have made sense in those days for cattle to be able to cross any wooden structure on Wednesday mornings – market day.

“But the document leaves the interpretation of what makes a ‘crossing’ open to debate. For now, local farmers have shown they can use the Orwell Bridge as it is quite clearly a crossing over the River Orwell.

Livestock on Orwell Bridge

“We have to go along with it and close the bridge – although we doubt any farmers would actually dare use the facility.

“It would be quicker for them to load the animals into trailers and simply drive them across to the fields on the other side.”

For now, motorists are advised to avoid the crossing next Wednesday morning.

Council chiefs are confident the council’s highways committee will revoke the bylaw in time for the following Wednesday (August 23) – although they cannot guarantee councillors will vote for the measure.

Driver Diana Majdalani said she did not mind sitting in her car at a police roadblock waiting for the animals to cross.

“It would make for a rather marvelous sight,” she said, adding: “and they were on this earth before cars and lorries anyway.”

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