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Not the Katie Hopkins Column: Taxing foreigners and bashing food banks

The Editor
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Not the Katie Hopkins Column: Taxing foreigners and bashing food banks

Not Katie Hopkins

I wish I had stood in this election for the Katie Hopkins Party as I know I would have swept the board with my common sense and popular views.

Instead of taxing the rich, my manifesto would simply increase tax for anyone with a foreign name, including Irish, Scottish, Welsh and anything I can’t pronounce.

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Many of you will know my view of fat people with their lack of discipline, stuffing themselves with junk food and foreign muck.

I would have brought in a law to put a set of weighing scales at every food bank. Anyone with an abnormal Body Mass Index would have to leave.

And why are they called food “banks”?

These people are so thick they don’t know how a bank works. It goes like this. On pay day, your money goes in the “bank”. And when you are a bit skint you go and draw some out.

Now food “banks” don’t work like that. The low-lifes who use them should pay in (deposit) on benefits day. Say a tin of Alphabetti Spaghetti, some tuna, a tin of Spam and some Ambrosia custard.
Then as the week goes on and they are short of money, they could draw one or all of the tins out.

Can you imagine me going to my bank, Coutts, and asking for some money I hadn’t paid in?

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Anyway, I will just have to work on my manifesto for the next General Election, which will probably be in four years, or six months if Diane Abbott is doing the calculations.

I’m sorry you won’t all have a fascist candidate in your area. By next week we will know what we are in for. I will be giving the winning side the benefit of my advice on social care, immigration and the health service and of course will be keeping you all informed on the paper of record, the Suffolk Gazette. Happy voting!

Katie x

Editor’s note: This column is not written by Katie Hopkins, even though she is apparently looking for a new newspaper column

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Restaurant laced fried chicken with cocaine to boost sales

The Editor
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Restaurant laced fried chicken with cocaine to boost sales

Fried chicken and cocaine
EXCLUSIVE
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

A fast-food restaurant has been accused of lacing its fried chicken with small traces of cocaine to make it more appealing.

The takeaway in Ipswich was investigated after a former worker with a grudge tipped off police.

They raided the kitchen and found a quantity of cocaine on a shelf, which was being added to the flour mix before the chicken pieces went in the deep fryer.

Fried chicken laced with cocaineHigh tea: pieces of fried chicken laced with cocaine
The owner of the late-night takeaway, who has not been named, admitted what he had done to cops, claiming no one had been put at risk.

But he insisted the Class A drug made his fried chicken more enjoyable, and left customers wanting more. Some even came back to eat twice in one evening.

Some employers regularly test employees for cocaine use.  This article explains how long cocaine stays in the system.

The shop owner told police: “Customers couldn’t get enough of my chicken. They did not understand why they were experiencing a high while eating it.

“I did not have to put much cocaine in the batter mix, so the benefits of selling more chicken outweighed the cost of the drug.”

The outlet has now been closed, and the owner is set to appear before Ipswich Magistrates within weeks.

Officers believe the drug had been used for nearly four months, and that as many as a thousand customers in Ipswich, some children, had unwittingly taken cocaine and may never know.

Tory law forces grandparents to babysit grandchildren every weekend

The Editor
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Tory law forces grandparents to babysit grandchildren every weekend

Grandparents across Britain will be forced to look after their grandchildren every weekend for free – or face a £3,000 fine, it has emerged.

Theresa May will push through the draconian new law if the Conservatives win next week’s general election.

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But while mums and dads will welcome the news, grandparents are furious that they will be taken advantage of.

Bury St Edmunds pensioners Jeremy Lyall, 78 and his wife Tate, 77, currently look after grandchildren Archie, aged two, and Esther, just seven months, around two weekends every month.

Grandparents babysitUpset: The Lyalls with Esther and Archie

“Why should we be forced to do more?” said Mr Lyall, a retired pilot. “This is slave labour – we don’t get paid to look after the little sods, so while it’s nice to see them once in a while, being stuck with them every weekend is not on. We have a life, too.

“And to be fined if we refuse is simply ridiculous. It’s like living in a police state.”

But parents Thomas and Charleen Lyall, both aged 35, said the new law was an excellent idea, and denied it was just a brash attempt by Mrs May to win more middle class votes.

Thomas said: “We need a break from the kids at weekends so we can go to the farmers market, go to the pub and to the cinema. If grandparents refuse to take the kids for free then of course they should be fined.”

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Mrs May confirmed the plan in a brief interview with the Suffolk Gazette while she toured an agriculture machinery factory in Beccles.

She said: “I am very clear that what this country needs is a strong and stable family group, and to enter negotiations about babysitting with a firm and decisive strategy.

“That is the clear choice we face: strong and stable babysitting under the Conservatives, or a coalition of weekend chaos led by Jeremy Corbyn.”

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My CakeWatchers super smoothies to soothe your tum

The Editor
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My CakeWatchers super smoothies to soothe your tum

CakeWatchers
Did you know smoothies started out as liquidised food for invalids who had trouble chewing or digesting their grub? Now every lazy bastard who can’t be asked to use cutlery is at it.

Atkins Protein shakes, and that SLIMFART stuff. And the hipsters who swish up green gunk from kale and spinach and spirulina, a foul-tasting fluorescent blue-green algae from the sea. It’s a wonder they don’t glow in the dark…and you don’t want to get downwind from them.

SlimfartSlimfart: a load of hot air
Now here at CakeWatchers, our team of experts have devised some more tantalising smoothies, with our simple LARDpoints to keep you on track.

* THE TROPICAL: Put a tin of pineapple in the blender, add a scoop of Banana Nesquick and tip in half a bottle of Malibu and a couple of shots of rum. Shettle yourshelf in a deckchair and shtick shame shun lotion on. Cheers! (37 LARDpoints)

* THE CHOC-A-BLOCK: Put some full fat milk in the blender with a dollop of clotted cream. Add a packet of chocolate buttons, six Oreo Cookies, two Crunchie Bars, two Cadbury’s Flakes and a large swoosh of Baileys. (83 LARDpoints)

* THE FULL ENGLISH: Fry two eggs, three sausages, some black pudding, four hash browns and mushrooms. Put the lot in a blender with a tin of beans, some tomatoes and a pot of tea with milk and three sugars. Great if you’re in a hurry. (90 LARDpoints)

* THE IPSWICH TOWN: Shove a Portman football pie or two in the blender with a bag of chips a blue-icing Krispy Kreme Donut and a pint of Adnams (do it on “pulse action” or the beer will fizz all over the worktop.) A great post-match snack. (75 LARDpoints).

Until next time,
Fatima.

Gardening writer Anita Bush found drowned at home

The Editor
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Gardening writer Anita Bush found drowned at home

By The Editor

It is my sad duty to confirm that the esteemed Suffolk Gazette gardening correspondent, Anita Bush has been found drowned in a water feature at her home.

Ms Bush, whose In My Lady Garden column featured in this newspaper for 36 years, built a global fan base and counted Her Majesty The Queen as one of her loyal readers.

She was a hugely influential horticulture expert, and wrote her Suffolk Gazette column until late last year when it became clear that her lifetime love of alcohol was getting the better of her.

The last time she was seen in public was at the Suffolk Gazette Christmas party, where she got rather drunk and tried to get off with our Thought For The Day writer, The Rev Evan Elpuss.

Police called to investigate her tragic death on Tuesday found her face down in a mini waterfall feature in her beloved garden near Stowmarket. Her skirt was around her ankles and officers believe she tripped over it before hitting her head on the fountain and drowning.

An empty bottle of gin was laying next to her body.

Ms Bush, 69, leaves a husband, Norbert, many close gentlemen friends and her glorious two-acre garden, which may now be opened to the public because Mr Bush needs the money.

He has already placed a memorial bench in the garden for his late wife, together with a poignant plaque, which reads: “In loving memory of Anita Bush… and all those who kept her in trim”.

The Anita Bush memorial bench

Anita Bush plaqueLoving memory: The plaque on the Anita Bush memorial bench

The funeral will be held next Wednesday at Stowmarket crematorium. The family have asked for no flowers – they have grown fed up with them because it’s all Anita ever talked about. Instead, they have asked that donations be sent to the Suffolk Gazette Beer Fund.

Most of Ms Bush’s finest columns were famously educational and rude, given that whenever she was asked about double entendres, her reply was always, with a wink: “I’ll give you one.”

Headlines included I took a photo of my neighbour’s cock, My crack is getting very big, I’m so sad about my small pear, and Water those herbs and find thyme for a right good stuffing.

Gridlocked town renamed Slowmarket

The Editor
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Gridlocked town renamed Slowmarket

Slowmarket

The Suffolk town of Stowmarket has been renamed because so many roadworks have disrupted traffic.

Residents are so fed up with hold-ups that they persuaded local council chiefs to rename the town as Slowmarket.

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The new name will stay in place until the roadworks are finished, which is expected to be some time in 2023.

Resident campaigner Barry Smith, 63, said: “We can’t move for people digging up the road and sending us on diversions all over the place.

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“Slowmarket is now an ideal name for the town, and it will get us a little bit of publicity to boost all the local businesses who are being affected by the poor traffic situation.”

All road signs in and out of the town have now been changed to Slowmarket at a cost of £25,000.

One local, grandmother Sheila Jennings, welcomed the move. “People say Suffolk is a slow pace of life, so this goes to show they are right.

“I wanted to pop to the Co-Op yesterday, and it took me over an hour.”

An inisder at Suffolk County Council confirmed: “This is just our idea of a little joke. We’re sure the people of Slowmarket see the funny side.”

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Passenger checks in at airport on Facebook, forgets to check in for flight

The Editor
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Passenger checks in at airport on Facebook, forgets to check in for flight

A man was so busy using his Facebook check-in feature at Heathrow to boast he was going on holiday that forgot to check in for the actual flight.

Recruitment consultant Gerry Dammers, of Halesworth, Suffolk missed his flight with pals to Las Vegas and had to pay more than £600 to buy a ticket for the next day.

As soon as he arrived at Heathrow Airport he had begun posting on Facebook about his dream trip while all his followers were busy grafting away at work.

Then the 27-year-old used the Facebook check-in feature to show how impressive it was that the flight would leave Heathrow, head over the Atlantic and across America to Nevada.

facebook check inLook at me: Man’s airport boast cost him his flight

But while refreshing his Facebook feed constantly to see if anyone had ‘liked’ his showy status, he completely forgot that he needed to actually check in at the airline desk for the flight.

When his friends, who had already checked in and gone through security, eventually rang him from the gate, it was too late.

Travel expert Roger Wynn-Jones said: “People seem to think everyone else will be totally impressed if they update their Facebook status with a check in from the airport.

“The reality is that everyone else is busy working and don’t give a toss, so it is rather amusing that this man missed his flight because of it.”

Mr Dammers was too embarrassed to speak to the Suffolk Gazette from his room in the MGM Grand in Las Vegas today.

“Let’s just say I won’t bother posting a check-in status from the airport before I fly home,” he said.

Statement: Suffolk Gazette avoids use of covfefe

The Editor
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Statement: Suffolk Gazette avoids use of covfefe

The Suffolk Gazette moved today to reassure readers it does not use negative covfefe.

US President Donald Trump caused an internet sensation overnight when he Tweeted his annoyance at the “constant negative press covfefe”.

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But a spokesman for Britain’s leading local newspaper, the Suffolk Gazette said: “We would like to make clear we avoid the use of covfefe, especially negatively.

“Covfefe is an outdated journalistic practice that has no place in the modern media, and Mr Trump was entirely correct to call it out.”

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The President made his astute observation just after midnight Washington time this morning, then appears to have gone to bed without further elaboration. His Tweet remains on his Twitter account at the time of going to press.

The Suffolk Gazette spokesman insisted no more needed to be said. “Covfefe is now out in the open as a bad thing. We are happy to distance ourselves from it.”

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