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Jeremy Corbyn updates LinkedIn profile to say he’s open to new opportunities

The Editor
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Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has updated his LinkedIn profile to reveal he will be open to new opportunities from June.

He expects to be looking for a new role after Prime Minister Theresa May today called a snap general election for June 8.

Current predictions show Labour will be battered at the polls, and may even be wiped off the map completely in places like East Anglia.

Mr Corbyn is, therefore, taking no chances about being dumped as Leader of the Opposition, and has carefully ticked the box on LinkedIn to reveal he is looking for a new challenge.

The business social networking site is used by millions to upload CVs and look for new jobs. Recruiters routinely scour the network looking for candidates open to approaches.

A pal of Mr Corbyn said: “He’s quite open-minded about what he could do for a new job. A cycle courier is one thing that interests him, as does being a train conductor – although Virgin Rail would not touch him with a barge-pole.”

Phil Rowles, who runs Bury St Edmunds recruitment firm I Do Big Jobs, said: “It’s clever of Mr Corbyn to update his LinkedIn profile, but sadly his recent work performance will make it hard to find something new.

“However, after Brexit we are searching for thousands of casual farm labourer jobs here in East Anglia. He’d be welcome to apply, but he is getting on a bit.”

Suffolk Liberation Front retreats to history

The Editor
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Suffolk Liberation Front retreats to history

SLF uniforms

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

In this poignant final despatch, the commanding officer of the Suffolk Liberation Front reveals how the once-mighty organisation has been forced to hang up its uniforms and retreat into the shadows. For the time being, anyway.

Sir,

This could be the final despatch from the Suffolk Liberation Front.

I had hoped that I would be conveying a message of hope and deliverance to the residents of Suffolk on this Easter Day, 2017. Sadly it is not.

The SLF has, it seems, lost ground and men. We have been destroyed as an effective fighting force; we no longer have the teeth to carry out any sort of action beyond saving ourselves.

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The reasons for our demise are varied and unfortunate. Firstly our expansion into Spain went badly. We had hoped to help Gibraltar expand over the whole of Spain, but promised reinforcements did not arrive and our supply lines were cut. We lost many good men in scenes reminiscent of the fall of Saigon. I myself, the commanding officer was on the final transport out of Spain.

Added stressors to the SLF was the Suffolk Gazette appearing to move to Norfolk – this was later exposed as a foolish prank, but we lost a lot of morale over it.

Also, the presence of the leader of the DPRK in North Korea on the Suffolk coast took up a lot of resources as we were being paid a lot of money to safeguard the Dear Leader’s safety and peace from inquisitive residents of Leiston.

Upon my return to Suffolk from Spain, I was disappointed to hear from the acting commander, SLF that the promised Chinese reinforcements had not arrived in the county. Apparently they were needed to reinforce China’s border with North Korea and had been diverted there. All 150,000 of them.

I felt that the SLF would endure and decided to visit our recently seized border town of Great Yarmouth. Unperturbed by the lack of SLF patrols, I went into the town, only to find myself surrounded by members of the Norfolk Defence Force. They had created one way systems and others obstacles, and the NDF sabotaged my vehicle, which then broke down on my return to safety. The vehicle had to be dumped and for several days the commanding officer was seen driving a Nissan Micra, quite a come down for him.

A vehicle was soon found and fitted with bullet proof glass for the CO at great cost to the SLF.

Sadly there is now an attempt to inter the CO of the SLF as a war criminal for making threats and for looting Norfolk, crimes that are vehemently denied. The CO was briefly captured in Suffolk and taken to a Norfolk friendly facility in Martlesham and questioned, but luckily the CO managed to escape with his life.

In even more devastating news for the residents of a beleaguered Suffolk, the funds of the SLF have been seized, bank accounts frozen and assets taken. There was literally nothing left, save what the brigadier could carry himself personally to safety.

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There are rumours of a stash of gold and cash, but unfortunately this is not true; we are broke and reliant on the kindness and hospitality of those still sympathetic to the SLF.

Many of our fighters are already interned in a POW camp in Norwich (HMP Norwich) on charges of racketeering, criminal damage and other such made up war crimes.

The SLF currently exists only in name and the odd bit of graffiti put up in rural areas.

The final message to the fighters of the SLF and the agents still in Norfolk and other areas is to fight on in a desperate guerrilla war, ensuring the overlords sent from London are never fully at peace and always wary. We will rise again. Remaining forces are to gather support, resources and train for the uprising that will come again to hold suffolk under a new reign of terror save Suffolk from Norfolk enslavement.

In a final embarrassment to the SLF, Norfolk flags fly over the streets of Suffolk towns this day.

We shall be starting a crowd funding effort to save the leader of the SLF from false internment and to build campaign funds.

To the editor personally, there are forces loyal to the SLF still out there who will burn your home and give you a Chinese burn if you refuse to publish this despatch.

For now the SLF exists officially as the CO, the deputy commander and two others. We operate out of a van.

Falsely accused of crimes we did not commit, we promptly escaped from unlawful custody and make our living on the East Anglian underground, if you can find us, if no one else can help you, you can hire the SLF.

Suffolk and proud until we die.

Sincerely
Suffolk Liberation Front
Commanding officer
Rank Brigadier
Status: On the run from unlawful custody.

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New one-way system to solve Ipswich traffic nightmare

The Editor
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New one-way system to solve Ipswich traffic nightmare

 

Ipswich traffic

A creative new one-way system will make the nightmare of Ipswich traffic jams a thing of the past, we can reveal.

Highways bosses are to recommend that Spring Road and Norwich Road will be open to inbound traffic only, while Woodbridge Road and Handford Road onto London Road will be restricted to outbound road users.

The dramatic measures will be put before the county council highways committee at its meeting later this month.

Officers say the £400,000 alterations are necessary to reduce the crippling delays experienced by commuters into Ipswich every day.

Ipswich traffic flow

A highways memo seen by the Suffolk Gazette states: “There may well be some disruption while everybody gets used to the new one-way system, but our Ipswich traffic flow software clearly shows this is the way to go.

“Also, when the Orwell Bridge is closed, these new measures will help ease congestion.”

But not all residents are pleased. Mavis Scroat, 71, who lives in Spring Road, said she works as a cleaner in Kesgrave. “I just head straight there at the moment, but under this new scheme I will have to drive all the way into Ipswich town centre and then back out again along Woodbridge Road. Will the council compensate me?”

White House spokesman Sean Spicer joins United Airlines as new PR boss

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White House spokesman Sean Spicer

Under-fire White House spokesman Sean Spicer is to become the new PR Director for United Airlines, it emerged today.

Mr Spicer, 45, who yesterday claimed Adolf Hitler did not use gas during World War Two, will take up his new position with immediate effect.

United, one of world’s biggest airlines, is in urgent need of a safe communicator after global condemnation for the way it violently forced a paid-up passenger from one of its flights.

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Dr David Dao, 69, was injured as beefy security men dragged him from the plane kicking and screaming, because they had overbooked tickets and needed a seat for their own staff.

Video footage of the shocking incident went viral and sent United’s stock crashing by four per cent as the airline faced a PR disaster.

David DaoBloodied: David Dao is dragged from his United Airlines seat

But United believes it can rebuild confidence in its damaged brand with the appointment of President Trump’s press secretary Sean Spicer.

A United spokesman said: “We messed up badly by physically throwing David Dao of his flight, even though he had paid for his ticket.

“We then made things worse with ill-conceived comments from our CEO – and our crisis communications were, quite frankly, a disaster.

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“Mr Spicer is an inspired appointment. He has a superb track record for avoiding controversy and putting out media and social media fires.

“We look forward to a long future together, and expect him to arrive soon because we suddenly have lots of spare seats.”

Mr Spicer, whose press conferences are riddled with controversy, yesterday made his biggest gaffe yet when he attempted to claim Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad was worse than Hitler.

He said not even the Nazi leader used chemical weapons on his own people – seemingly ignoring the millions of Jews who were gassed to death in the Holocaust.

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Village churchwarden banned from wearing crucifix

The Editor
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Village churchwarden banned from wearing crucifix

A Suffolk village churchwarden has been told she can no longer wear her crucifix necklace in case it upsets people from other faiths.

Mary Barry, who has been an active parishioner at St Warren Parish Church in Little Brimmer for 47 years, was said to be “terribly upset” by the ruling.

Vicar The Rev Evan Elpuss has insisted that the exciting new world of diverse cultures means his followers and church volunteers need to be careful about offending others.

But Mrs Barry, 79, points out that no person of alternative faith has ever been into parts of deepest rural Suffolk like Little Brimmer, which is near Stowmarket.

A village churchwarden has been told not to wear a crucifix in case it offends othersVery cross: Churchwarden Mary Barry wearing her banned crucifix
She has promised to appeal to the local bishop, claiming the crucifix is simply a sign of her devotion to her religion, and not anything to be considered inflammatory to others.

“I am a Christian, but I am also extremely tolerant of people with other beliefs. So why should I be banned from wearing a crucifix that my late husband bought me for our 25th wedding anniversary? It makes me sad and angry.”

One villager, who asked not to be named, said: “We all feel the vicar has gone a little too far. Mrs Barry is a very sweet lady who will do anything for anyone. It seems a little ironic that a churchwarden cannot wear the cross.”

Mrs Barry has reluctantly removed her necklace until the bishop has heard her appeal, but she hopes to have won her case in time for the busy Easter period.

She is a popular figure in St Warren’s, where she regularly lays out the hymn books for church services, and even mows the grass in the graveyard once a week as part of her duties.

Couple granted quickie divorce over Marmite row

The Editor
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Couple granted quickie divorce over Marmite row

Couple divorce over Marmite row

A Suffolk couple have been granted a quickie divorce after falling out over the popular toast spread, Marmite.

Ipswich County Court and Family Hearing Centre was the dramatic scene for what is thought to be the first marriage split caused by the yeasty love-it-or-hate-it spread.

Wedded bliss ended after 31 years for lorry driver Mr Kevin Mone, 55, of Saxmundham, who was forced to watch his wife Linda gouge her knife into the butter and then, without wiping it properly, plunge it straight into his beloved breakfast Marmite, leaving unseemly slithers of butter in the jar.

Mr Mone said the habit disgusted him, and no matter how many times he raised it with Linda, 54, she continued the filthy practice.

He cited it as unreasonable behavior and was granted a decree nisi in a hushed courtroom yesterday.

Judge Henry Oppenheimer said: “I will accept that the marriage has irretrievably broken down. Sometimes these little aggravating habits like not putting the top on the toothpaste can turn love sour… sometimes to the point this couple have reached.

“The butter-smeared knife in the Marmite proved the final straw that broke the back of this otherwise pleasant marriage.”

A spokesman for Marmite said: “We are sorry for the Mone marriage issues, but there were surely other, more serious underlying reasons for the split.

“Regardless, we do recommend our customers wipe the knife clean after they have spread the butter or it will leave buttery marks in the Marmite jar.”

New one pound coin worth only 58p after Article 50 triggered tomorrow

The Editor
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New one pound coin worth only 58p after Article 50 triggered tomorrow

New one pound coin

The new one pound coin will be worth only 58p after Article 50 is triggered by Prime Minister Theresa May tomorrow, it has emerged.

Experts warn the pound will take another hammering on the foreign exchange markets when the official Brexit process begins.

And that means the shiny new one pound coin, which enters circulation today, will nearly half in value in just 24 hours, and may as well be called the new 50p.

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“Everyone is going on about how lovely the 12-sided new one pound coin is. But it will very quickly be known as the new 50p coin.

“The pound has been falling ever since Britain voted to leave the EU – and the triggering of Article 50 will add further pressure.

“But at least the industry that services coin operated machines is coining it in as they change the mechanisms on everything from lockers to shopping trolleys.”

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But some economists claimed the currency will soon recover and the new one pound coin will be worth having.

Article 50 will not be triggered with some huge fanfare as one might imagine. Instead, Mrs May will simply write a letter to the European Council to inform them we’re off.

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Prospectors strike oil worth billions on Suffolk coast

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Prospectors strike oil worth billions on Suffolk coast

Prospectors on the Suffolk coast have struck oil worth billions of pounds, it has emerged.

They have been test drilling on Sizewell beach for weeks and today tapped into a huge oil field thought to contain around four billion barrels.

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Never before has oil been discovered in such a posh area, sandwiched as it is between Southwold and Aldeburgh, and experts say that as a result it will produce the most refined oil ever brought to market.

And experts say because it comes from such a well-heeled source, consumers can expect to pay a premium for the end product to fuel their cars and homes.

The discovery was made close to Sizewell B Nuclear power station, and makes it likely that the proposed Sizewell C will be put on hold so a new oil pipeline can be built linking to a state-of-the-art oil refinery at Thorpeness.

Drilling for oil at SizewellBlack gold: prospectors drilling for oil at Sizewell this week

While new oil money will be welcome, making the Suffolk coast the Dallas of Europe, environmentalists are less enthusiastic.

“We should be looking at alternative energy like wind farms, not fishing about for fossil fuels,” a green campaigner said.

But Mr Bob Ewing, of Well Oiled and Lubricated Ltd, which struck gold at Sizewell, said: “This new oil field will provide fuel for Britain for generations.

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“Who needs green alternative energies when we’ve got all this oil right under our feet.”

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