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Anusol to sponsor the A140 because it’s a pain in the backside

The Editor
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Anusol to sponsor the A140 because it’s a pain in the backside

Anusol A140

The A140 in Suffolk is to be rebranded as the Anusol A140 – because the road is a pain in the arse.

The haemorrhoids cream and suppository company acted after cash-strapped Suffolk County Council offered businesses the chance to sponsor the region’s major roads.

In a clever piece of marketing, Anusol executives realised their soothing product was a perfect fit for the A140, a road which is as irritating and painful as piles.

Other routes in Suffolk are also being offered to businesses as the county council seeks to raise £2 million in additional funding. Offers already on the table include:

Waitrose – A1094 into Aldeburgh
Lidl – B1069 into Leiston
Jockey Underwear – A1304 into Newmarket
John Deere tractors – the A12

An Anusol executive said: “Haemorrhoids is not a particularly sexy subject, so our marketing opportunities are limited.

“However, the A140 is such a pain in the backside that it was the perfect fit for us.”

The company is believed to have offered £250,000 to have their name on the road, including logos on road signs along the route.

As a first step, Anusol has been allowed to sponsor a roundabout sign featuring the A140, with Norwich being left, and Ipswich right (Ipswich is always right).

The A140 is notorious for being frustratingly slow all the way between Ipswich and Norwich. Recently a driver was pulled over by police for reaching the dizzying speed of 35mph.

And huge tailbacks of tractors built up on the A140 when the border was closed to keep Norfolk oiks out of Suffolk – a time when the two counties were dangerously close to conflict.

Suffolk Gazette editor enters enemy territory, please help

The Editor
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Suffolk Gazette editor enters enemy territory, please help

Simon Young
The editor of the Suffolk Gazette will be going behind enemy lines this Sunday when he crosses into Norfolk – and he needs your help.

Simon Young and 100 other members of Team ITFC are cycling 150 miles for charity on a route that will include a daring overnight stay in the yellow-and-green territory of Potters holiday camp near Great Yarmouth.

After a night in the bar a good night’s sleep, the group, which includes many ex Ipswich Town players, will then cycle back to Portman Road having raised tens of thousands of pounds for Prostate Cancer and the Ipswich Town FC community charity.

Mr Young, an Ipswich copywriter, is still welcoming donations from the generous readers of the Suffolk Gazette, which is East Anglia’s premier newspaper and even has some readers from Norfolk (despite being quite rude about them on occasions).

Please visit his fundraising page – called Simon Young’s Epic Sore Bum – by clicking here and donating anything you can!

“I may not be quite as fit as Chris Froome or Bradley Wiggins,” Mr Young said in an exclusive interview with himself. “But I am fuelled by Adnams, a secret weapon that should see me through this tough physical challenge.”

Football clubs turn to ‘blokes down the pub’ for new tactics

The Editor
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Football clubs turn to ‘blokes down the pub’ for new tactics

Blokes down the pub

Desperate football clubs are turning to “blokes down the pub” for expert coaching advice, it has emerged.

With relegation bringing huge financial losses, club owners have realised bar talk throws up brilliant new tactics that their own coaches seem to miss.

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Anyone visiting a public house on match day, such as the Suffolk Gazette’s corporate HQ The Greyhound in Ipswich, will be treated to high-level tactical discussions not seen in any professional club’s changing room.

Ipswich Town FC owner Marcus Evans is keen to hire at least one pub-goer to help turn the Tractor Boys’ fortunes around – which explains why under-fire manager Mick McCarthy doesn’t want to go to the pub.

Asked recently what he thought of fans’ criticism of his midfield set-up, McCarthy told a press conference: “That’s why I don’t go to the pub and listen to all that nonsense.”

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But we can today reveal just some of the innovative coaching terms introduced by blokes down the pub that are being adopted for pre-season training later this summer.

“Get rid” – clear danger by launching the football into Row Z
“Hit him” – tackle the opposing player in a manner that is likely to cause serious injury
“Get it forward” – lump the football to the Big Man up front
“The referee’s a w**ker” – make sure the referee has a good and fair game
“Keeper’s!” – enable the goalkeeper to leave his line and catch the football
“4-1-3-2” – four pints before the game, one at half-time, three after the match and two more at the curry house
“Keep it” – do not allow the opposition to get near the football
“Get him off” – substitute a player who is not performing as well as he might
“Run it off” – encourages a player whose leg is clearly broken to keep going
“Buy a new striker” – a brilliant tactic which will solve everything

An insider at the League Managers’ Association said: “We accept these are innovative coaching ideas, and that the blokes down the pub are obviously untapped sources of football expertise, but we believe these things should be left to professional football managers who are actually involved in the game 24/7.”

Mr Dan Johnson, who is a bloke down the pub, said: “I have been going to football for 21 years and know everything about the game. I should be running the team – we’d be promoted in no time at all.”

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Suffolk woman puts bins out, defies Prime Minister

The Editor
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Suffolk woman puts bins out, defies Prime Minister

Put bins out

A rebellious Suffolk woman has shocked neighbours by putting the bins out, which according to Prime Minister Theresa May is a “boys’ job”.

Mrs Vera Brooks, of Combs, sneaked out under cover of darkness, clutching the heavy bin bag, then pushed the wheelie bin to the kerb ready for the big dustbin boys to collect next morning.

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But the racket of the rolling wheelie bin alerted a neighbour, who saw the act take place.

Freddie Clark told the Suffolk Gazette: “We always suspected that family of being a bit funny. I once went round and saw her husband doing the ironing. And there is a rumour in the village that they have a son who’s a nurse and a daughter who’s a fireman.

“Everyone knows there are girls’ jobs and boys’ jobs and you expect people to stick to it. I thought it was bad enough when we got a woman prime minister again. There are no standards anymore.”

The Mays on the One ShowRubbish conversation: Theresa and Philip May on the One Show

Mrs May and her husband Philip appeared on the BBC’s One Show sofa last night. Asked if he had much of a say at home, the Prime Minister’s husband said: “I get to decide when I take the bins out, not if I take the bins out.”

The PM then added: “There’s boy jobs and girl jobs.”

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But Suffolk’s Mrs Brooks refuses to play along with the Prime Minister, and seems insistent on doing the bins again one day.

She refused to answer further questions when our reporter called at her house, but shouted through the door: “Go away. I’ve got to mend a fuse.”

If the Prime Minister is re-elected, she is expected to draw up new laws about gender-specific jobs, like Fox Hunt Master and lap dancer.

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Police snipers to shoot people dawdling while looking at their phone

The Editor
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Police snipers to shoot people dawdling while looking at their phone

Police shoot dawdlers

By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

People walking slowly (dawdling) because they are looking at their mobile phone are to be shot under an exciting new police initiative, it has emerged.

Suffolk Police have been selected to test the radical approach to eradicate one of life’s major irritations.

Police snipers will take up positions on rooftops around Ipswich town centre, and fire a single bullet to dispatch idiots who get in everyone else’s way.

Shopping while dawdling

Shoppers who get stuck behind someone who has slowed down to a snail’s pace due to dawdling while reading an important Facebook post, or responding to an urgent WhatsApp message about dinner, have welcomed the initiative.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Ipswich, said: “It’s bloody annoying when someone gets in your way because they are not looking where they’re going.

“You end up bumping into them or having to swerve out of the way.

“I think having police snipers simply shoot them is a great idea. I’m not worried about being caught up as collateral damage – these guys are well-trained crack shots.”

Similar to the way criminals were left hanging on the gallows in the Middle Ages, Suffolk Police say shot dawdlers will be left to rot on the pavement as a warning to others.

Top men for the job

A spokesman said: “We are proud that the Home Office has selected Ipswich as a pilot for this new scheme. We have carefully chosen our snipers and found the best rooftop positions for surveying the town centre.

“We expect work to start immediately, so we hope your readers have read this at home or at work, and not on their phone while out shopping.”

But Civil liberty groups are furious, claiming the initiative is “barbaric” and over the top.

Dawdling is a crime

Ivor Smith-Wesson, of the anti-gun lobby Don’t Shoot, said: “This is ridiculous. What if an innocent person happened to get out their phone while walking down Westgate Street – who is to say a trigger-happy cop won’t just blast them away?”

Greater Anglia introduces new rail service for pensioners

The Editor
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Greater Anglia introduces new rail service for pensioners

Greater Anglia
By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

Greater Anglia has introduced a comfortable new rail service for elderly customers, it has emerged.

The new single-seater, open-air carriages, pictured above on the Felixstowe line, can reach speeds of up to 15 mph and are already in use throughout Suffolk and Norfolk.

For just £2, customers over the age of 65 can climb aboard and drive their own carriage up the track – so long as they take a test on railway signalling systems first.

Each carriage has natural air conditioning, but there is no buffet service, aside from a cup holder for the passenger to place a mug of soup.

Greater Anglia already has 25 units running but wants to build up a fleet of 500 by the end of the year.

An insider at the rail firm said: “This gives our senior customers complete freedom. Now, for just £2 they can travel from Ipswich to Felixstowe in their own luxury carriage. They just need to look out for the freight trains.”

Rail watchdogs are not convinced by the new units, which run off battery power as they are unable to connect to the overhead wire.

“We have had reports of a couple of unfortunate head-on collisions. Plus several of the mainline InterCity services have been stuck behind these new single-seaters because there are no overtaking opportunities on rails.”

Count your LARDPoints with our new CakeWatchers diet club

The Editor
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Count your LARDPoints with our new CakeWatchers diet club

CakeWatchers


Welcome to CakeWatchers, the new Suffolk Gazette Slimming club. And congratulations to all you dumpy dieters! By just reading this page, you are taking a giant step (longer than a giant buttery baguette full of salami) to a curvy new you.

At CakeWatchers, we understand the realities of dieting and will motivate you like no other club.

* WE will never make you feel guilty about what you stuff inside you.
* WE have our exclusive copyright LARDpoints, like Weightwatchers Smartpoints or Slimming World Syns BUT FAR MORE GENEROUS. You have between 60 to 500 LARDpoints a day for a realistic day’s food.
* WE won’t keep taking money off your credit card for years when you only stuck to the Diet for three days!
* WE have healthy extras to keep you on track.
* WE have an expert team on hand, with me as your Slimming Consultant, our medical adviser Dr Heidi Chipps, recipe co-ordinator Barbie Kew and fitness trainer Ivana Kipp.
* WE welcome MEN who want to shape up their builder’s bum cracks.

First, we want you to empty your kitchen of all the things you don’t like. Bin the bran flakes to make way for some Crunchy Nut Cornflakes. Now empty the fridge of tofu, quark and Kale, and chuck that cottage cheese, which looks like a baby just sicked up its milk. There! This is a new beginning and you feel better already. Give yourself a round of applause and celebrate with a bottle of Prosecco.

You can save your LARDpoints for a special day, so that you have about 1,000 for a birthday, wedding, anniversary or when EastEnders is on. This is far more flexible than other diets. We want you to keep a food diary, which can be the back of a fag packet in an emergency, so that you can track your success and favourite meals.

To get you started, while you learn the system, we have devised a typical day’s menu.

DAY ONE: Take a cup of tea or coffee back to bed with nine Oreo Cookies. (30 LARDpoints).

Breakfast: Melt a pack of lard in a pan and fry five slices of bread. Top with a half a dozen sausages, five rashers of bacon, half a pound of mushrooms, three eggs and a tin of beans. If you are still hungry, have a chip butty.

Lunch: If you are out, or at work, buy a Big Mac or a bucket of KFC and nip to the nearest pub to wash it down with some stamina-giving Adnams. If you are at home, pop a couple of Ginsters in the oven with some chips.

Kentucky Fried ChickenTuck in: Tasty bucket of KFC

Afternoon tea: crack open some Mr Kipling cakes (they now do a gluten-free range!) a couple of eclairs and a round of cheese and pickle sandwiches cut into dainty triangles with the crusts off.

Dinner: If you have stuck to the diet so far today, you can treat yourself to a takeaway beef vindaloo, sweet and sour pork or cod and chips. Have your grape portion in the form of a bottle of red or white wine. Dessert: small tub of ice cream and a chocolate brownie.

Bedtime: cup of hot chocolate or Horlicks, and some buttered toast.

Today’s healthy extras: an apple pie and fruity Solero lolly. (Total day’s LARDpoints: 470)

Today’s exercise: Instead of using the TV remote today, walk across the room and use the ON button. Stride back to the sofa. If this makes you a little sweaty or out of breath, put your feet up. Do the same later with the OFF button.

At the end of the day, you will be feeling so proud of yourself and our feelgood CakeWatchers team will be here to support you at every step. By the way, if you are hungry during the night, grab a mug of milk and a doughnut. If you are struggling with the diet, tell us your problem and we will try to answer next week. Good luck!

Pension crisis means man only now able to retire, aged 96

The Editor
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Pension crisis means man only now able to retire, aged 96

The cost of providing the British state pension is now so high that a man has only today been able to announce his retirement, aged 96.

Mr Philip Windsor, who lives in London, Berkshire, Norfolk, and Scotland with his wife, Elizabeth, has been forced to work until well into his 90s because the state pension is kicking in later than ever before.

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He will now have to make do with his £155-a-week pension after working for years in the public sector, mainly shaking hands and being a little rude to people.

The news, announced today a month before Mr Windsor’s 96th birthday, was a surprise to many, not least his wife who has been told to keep on working, even though she is 91.

Prince Philip retiresWaving goodbye to work: Mr Windsor at a recent fancy dress party

A pensions industry expert said: “Unfortunately the population is getting older, and so the cost of the state pension to Government coffers is getting ever higher. Initially men could retire at 65. Then it went up to 67, and now it seems it is 95.”

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It is not known how Mr Windsor, whose Instagram name is DukeofHazard, intends to spend his retirement years.

But a family friend said: “I had heard he is thinking of getting himself a motorhome and going on a driving tour of Europe. He’s not really had much chance to see the world because he has always been working, so this will be a great treat.”

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