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Commuters get cattle troughs and feeder at Ipswich station

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Commuters get cattle troughs and feeder at Ipswich station

Cattle trough

The refurbishment of Ipswich railway station was completed today when long-awaited cattle troughs and feeders were installed for passengers.

Greater Anglia described the equipment as perfect for commuters who are used to cramming onto trains in order to travel to and from London each day.

Three cattle troughs have been set up – two on platform 2 and one on platform 3 – and a feeder is now on the main concourse.

Passenger Roy Everett, 27, from Ipswich, said: “We are treated like cattle on the commute, so it is kind of Greater Anglia to think of our well-being at the station while we wait for the train. Sometimes it is a long wait, after all.”

The units (one of them pictured above) were built on a farm near Westerfield and purchased for just £25,000 each.

A Greater Anglia insider said: “Our critics claim unfairly that it is our management who have their snouts in the trough, a cruel reference to them greedily taking so much money from hard-working passengers.

“But in fact it is those very passengers we are looking after with these feeding stations. Being herded about like cattle is not too bad when you get free refreshment services like this.”

Cattle troughs

During peak hours, when passengers are routinely standing all the way home from London, the cattle feeders and troughs at the station will be refilled regularly.

“This means when they are herded off the train, all tired, grumpy and sweaty, they can grab a free drink from one of the troughs or even some free food from the feeder,” said the Greater Anglia insider.

Former Ipswich MP Ben Gummer had approved the cattle-trough-and-feeder plan – but he is now out of a job and working at McDonalds.

It’s about bloody time, says Virginia Wade

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It’s about bloody time, says Virginia Wade

Virginia Wade

Former Wimbledon champion Virginia Wade says it’s about bloody time that another Brit – Jo Konta – made it to the tournament’s semi-final stages.

No British woman has reached the last four since Wade in 1978, the year after her famous victory in the Queen’s Jubilee Year.

And Wade, 72, was fed up with waiting, suspecting she might have to come out of retirement to give the Brits a chance.

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A pal said: “Each year at Wimbledon, Virginia would watch dejectedly as British contender after British contender failed to trouble the later rounds.

“Finally, Konta’s quarter-final win today against Simona Halep means Virginia can be left in peace every July.”

Konta won her thrilling match 6-7, 7-6, 6-4 in front an ecstatic Centre Court home crowd, many of whom expected it would be another 39 years before a British woman makes it to the semis again.

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Norfolk seeks naming rights to the sandwich

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Norfolk seeks naming rights to the sandwich

Sandwich

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

The rural county of Norfolk has caused outrage throughout Britain by claiming the sole rights to producing the humble sandwich.

Council leaders insist only the Norfolk Sandwich can be sold in UK shops, and have applied to the EU for a Protected Designation Origin Order (PDO).

A statement said the tasty bread-enclosed convenience snack is quite clearly a local invention “because Norfolk has been so in bread for generations”.

The EU issues PDOs for local foodstuffs to prevent copycat enterprises stealing the heritage.

There are more than 70 orders in the UK, including protection for the Melton Mowbray Pie, Cornish pasties, Whitstable oysters, Scotch beef and Jersey royal potatoes.

But an EU insider said Norfolk may struggle in its claim to the sandwich.

A spokesman said: “The application claims everyone in Norfolk is in bread, but this is clearly a typo, so we expect this case to be thrown out.

Norfolk County Council leader Bubba Spuckler, who runs a smallholding near Downham Market with his sister and their eight children, said: “We are in bread in a big way. We demand only Norfolk businesses be allowed to sell a sandwich.”

Traditionally it is said the sandwich was, in fact, invented by John Montagu, the fourth Earl of Sandwich (1718-1792), a British statesman and notorious profligate and gambler. He allegedly was the first to stuff some meat inside two bits of bread in order to eat without having to leave the gaming table.

Dad with tattoo evicted from Aldeburgh home

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Dad with tattoo evicted from Aldeburgh home

A young family has been evicted from their Aldeburgh home because the father was found to have a tattoo.

Dave Smith, 37, kept quiet about the inked tribal-style image on his upper left arm when he signed up for a rental property near the posh town’s seafront.

But residents were horrified when they spotted the tattoo while Mr Smith was washing his van while wearing a vest.

They complained to the town council, and Mr Smith was given the option to remove the tattoo with laser treatment by the end of the month, or face eviction from the town.

The father of two refused to comply, and has now been forced out of his rented terraced home, which would have cost £750,000 on the open market, and moved to Ipswich instead.

“They don’t mind tattoos in Ipswich. In fact you look a bit odd there if you don’t have one,” Mr Smith, a builder, told the Suffolk Gazette.

Tribal tattoo

It’s tattoo much: Mr Smith’s arm went against Aldeburgh bylaws

A spokesman for Aldeburgh Town Council confirmed: “Our bylaws clearly state that you are not allowed to display a tattoo in a public place.

“They are tacky, ugly things designed purely for common people, and having them in a town like ours can only drag down our reputation.

“If these people really want to live by the seaside, we suggest they move to Lowestoft instead, where they will feel completely at home.”

Aldeburgh resident Margery Daw saw Mr Smith with his vest and was furious. “He was cleaning his white van – that’s another thing that should be banned in Aldeburgh – and I saw the tattoo.

“I was enraged, I felt physically sick, and it’s all my friends have talked about at the golf club since.”

Suffolk tattoo artist Clare Phillips said she had never done a tattoo for anyone from Aldeburgh. “They wouldn’t be seen dead in my studio,” she said.

The well-heeled town of Aldeburgh has been accused of snobbery before. We have exposed them for disguising Asda delivery vans as being from Harrods, for having police tanks prevent commoners from reaching town, and even a local police campaign to remove underwear from washing lines.

Norfolk arms company loses tank contract

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Norfolk arms company loses tank contract

Norfolk tankBy Doug Trench, Defence Editor

A Norfolk arms company may have to lay off staff after failing to land a lucrative £30 million tank contract with the Ministry of Defence.

Colmans BAE spent seven years developing its fearsome Raleigh Tank, pictured above, but the MoD has announced it will be taking its business elsewhere.

The arms manufacturer exports its Raleigh Tank to North Korea, but orders have dried up since Kim Jong-un switched his arms investment to inter-continental ballistic missiles.

Insiders at the Downham Market factory, which employs seven thousand local men and women, all from the same family, say Colmans BAE needed to win the MoD contract to stay afloat.

“The Raleigh Tank is our most advanced tank yet, and we felt sure the Government would want to buy it as our armed forces deserve the best. It was a shock to miss out,” chief executive officer Bubba Spuckler said.

He declined to confirm jobs are now at risk, but the Suffolk Gazette understand three thousand jobs may have to go.

Jobs were further put at risk when the company’s new jet fighter disappointed defence experts.

MoD spokesman Mark Brownless said: “Four companies have been trying to win the £30 million tank contract, but Colmans BAE has already been told to drop out.

“We had concerns about the Raleigh Tank firepower, and the protection of the driver was suspect at best.”

Ben Gummer now working in McDonald’s

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Ben Gummer now working in McDonald’s

Ben Gummer job

Former Ipswich MP and Cabinet Office Minister Ben Gummer has got a new job after his shock defeat in last month’s general election.

The youthful-looking Conservative is now flipping burgers in a popular McDonald’s restaurant in the town’s Tavern Street.

Mr Gummer was squeezed out of his seat by Labour’s Sandy Martin after paying the price for the Tories’ shambolic election campaign.

Ironically, in his position as Cabinet Office Minister Mr Gummer was responsible for writing the party’s election manifesto, so he was a master of his own downfall.

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Diners at the fast-food outlet were surprised to see him behind the counter today, seemingly enjoying his new job.

“I’m luvin it,” he said when approached by the Suffolk Gazette.

But he could not talk further as his supervisor wanted him to clean one of the grills.

Natalie Bloom, 25, from Ipswich, spotted the ex MP while buying a Big Mac meal for lunch. “I thought I recognised him,” she said.

“McDonald’s could do with some experienced staff like this. Mr Gummer is certainly used to serving up whoppers to the public, so it shouldn’t be long before he has four stars on his shirt.”

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All restaurant staff get awarded stars as they progress through the internal training scheme. Having all four demonstrates a competent knowledge in all areas of the restaurant operations, such as operating a till, preparing products, working in the dining areas and hygiene and safety knowledge.

Mr Martin defeated Mr Gummer by 831 votes on June 8, enjoying a high-profile scalp that had political commentators salivating with excitement throughout election night.

But it will be Mr Martin who will be salivating for another reason – if he gets peckish he could head to McDonald’s and be served by his former political opponent.

An Ipswich Labour Party insider said: “Not that we’re gloating or anything, but we’ve all been going into McDonald’s to have a laugh. Several of us have put on a little weight as a result.”

Mr Gummer is starting on a £7.34 hourly salary, but he hopes soon to grab a management position which will see him bag around £17,500 a year.

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Doctors swamped by cases of Wimbledon Thumb

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Doctors swamped by cases of Wimbledon Thumb

Wimbledon thumb

A surge in repetitive strain injuries caused by viewers repeatedly switching off the tennis on TV has caught doctors by surprise.

Medics across Suffolk cannot cope with the number of patients suffering from Wimbledon Thumb, and have now urged non-urgent patients to keep away.

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A health department spokesman said: “People who don’t often use the television remote control now keep having to switch from BBC1 and BBC2 to avoid watching endless tennis matches.

“They have to click around with the remote to avoid men and women bashing balls about, having tantrums and throwing sweaty towels at poor, innocent children.

“The more they have to use the remote to find Poirot or Pointless or even Last Of The Summer Wine, the more their thumb begins to ache and swell.

“We advise them to put a bag of frozen peas on their swollen digits, but we have had to bandage some people up with their arms in a sling and even had to make a few amputations.

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“Of course we can see the problem with matches constantly switching from one BBC station to another, interrupting normal programming, but it might be safer to mow the lawn or watch a replay of Love Island, though god knows what swollen injuries we would have to deal with after that.”

Dr Finlay Spuckler added: “In Norfolk the amputation of a thumb has left them with only five digits on the hand.”

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Driving test hill start scrapped in East Anglia

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Driving test hill start scrapped in East Anglia

Driving test hill start

They make every learner driver nervous, but now hill starts are to be scrapped from driving tests in East Anglia – because there are no hills.

The DVLA made the announcement today after test centres across the region complained they were pointless.

Hill starts are an essential part of driving if you live up north, in Wales and Scotland, or in hilly regions of the south-west.

But as hills and mountains do not exist in Suffolk, Norfolk, Cambridgeshire and Essex, there is nowhere to practice – or use during an actual driving test.

No hills in Suffolk

Flat as a pancake: No hills in Suffolk
Instead, learners are taken to a road which normally has an uphill gradient no higher than four per cent and told to move off without stalling or sliding backwards.

Not surprisingly, everyone passes with flying colours.

From August 1 this year, the driving test hill start will, therefore, be removed from the practical driving test.

A spokesman for the DVLA said: “It is unnecessary to carry out hill starts in East Anglian counties like Suffolk, where even the worst hills are more like gentle slopes.

“Therefore it will save money by not including hill starts in driving tests, and concentrate more on things like parallel parking and reversing.”

Driving test hill start

Motorists in other areas of Britain complained today this means young drivers from East Anglia will be unprepared if they drive into hilly regions – and there would be multiple accidents as their cars roll back out of control.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, of Keswick in the Lake District, said: “If inexperienced Suffolk drivers come here they will be unprepared for a proper hill. They will be stalling, rolling backwards and causing general chaos.

“It will only be a matter of time before our sheep, which have the freedom to go wherever they like, are run over. And if that happens there will be trouble.”

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