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Arsene Wenger keeps Arsenal job, takes on Spurs role as well

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Arsene Wenger keeps Arsenal job, takes on Spurs role as well

Arsene Wenger

Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has done such a good job that he has been appointed Spurs boss as well.

Despite everyone else in the country thinking Wenger has plunged Arsenal into a winter crisis yet again, he has been rewarded with an expanded role.

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Mrs May has been busy reshuffling her cabinet amid perceived turmoil, especially in north London.

But in an extraordinary twist, it is claimed Wenger not only refused to leave his position at the Emirates, but was then handed the Tottenham job as well.

Commentator Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Wenger has been in charge since 1996 and it’s been downhill for years.

“Arsenal fans have been calling for him to step down, and the winter crisis deepened beyond despair at the weekend when the Gunners were knocked out of the FA Cup by Championship side Nottingham Forest.

“But just when everyone assumed he would be losing his job, Theresa May has ensured he has kept it – and added another job for good measure.”

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Spurs fans were shaking their heads in disbelief today.

Steve Walshe, from Harlow in Essex said: “Theresa May’s reshuffle has backfired spectacularly. Wenger is not welcome.”

Meanwhile, in unrelated news, Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has not only kept his role in today’s reshuffle, he has added the department for Social Care to his portfolio.

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A14 in Suffolk upgraded to a motorway

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A14 in Suffolk upgraded to a motorway

A14 in Suffolk

By Laurie Hall, Transport Editor

Google Maps has leaked news that the A14 in Suffolk is being upgraded to motorway status.

Newspapers such as this have been under strict embargo not to publish the revelation until next week – but Google has jumped the gun.

Anyone looking at Google Maps today (reprinted above) will clearly see A14(M) in blue along the length of the A14 from Newmarket in the west to Felixstowe in the east.

Motorists who are fed up with constant delays and poor surfacing on the A14, currently only a dual carriageway, will be delighted by the news.

Plans to be announced officially by the Department of Transport next week include making the A14 three lanes throughout, and forcing lorries to stick to the inside lane from 7am to 7pm each week day.

The upgrade, which will cost £790 million and be completed within two years, will bring the first ever motorway to Suffolk, so often seen as a transport backwater.

It will reduce travel time and also help the local business infrastructure.

Felixstowe Port, in particular, will benefit from the news.

Suffolk motorist Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “This is fantastic news – we have suffered on the A14 in Suffolk for too long. Turning it into a motorway is very exciting and will bring huge benefits to local people and businesses.

“Now we can only hope they will also upgrade the A12 through the county – and even the A140 to Norwich, so that we can get away from Norfolk as quickly as possible.”

Chris Salamé, spokesman for the Department of Transport said: “We can not comment on this until next week.”

American giant targets much-loved Suffolk business

The Editor
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American giant targets much-loved Suffolk business

Following news that Aspall cider has been snapped up by American giant Molson Coors for £40 million, it has emerged another leading Suffolk business is being targeted by the Americans.

The Suffolk Gazette, Britain’s favourite local newspaper, has been approached by US-based The Onion in a £9.99 hostile takeover bid.

The Aspall deal shocked Suffolk consumers over the weekend, but news that The Onion, America’s huge satirical website, is after the Suffolk Gazette is a real blow to the community.

Residents value the independence and factual reporting of the Suffolk Gazette, which has published all the goings on in the county, and a few from Norfolk, on its website for hundreds of years.

A spokesman for the newspaper said: “We can confirm that The Onion has made an approach to purchase the Suffolk Gazette and all its assets for £9.99.

“This amount includes the Suffolk Gazette’s debt, which amounts to an unpaid bar tab at the Greyhound Public house in Ipswich.

“The board of the Suffolk Gazette does not want to sell the newspaper, but is happy for The Onion to pay the bar bill.”

American giant targets Suffolk Gazette

Records at Companies House indicate the Suffolk Gazette turned over £2.99 last year with a gross profit of £1.05, making The Onion’s £9.99 valuation a fair one.

But staff at the Ipswich-based media empire believe it will be a terrible decision to allow The Onion to take over.

Crime correspondent Hugh Dunnett, speaking on condition of anonymity, said: “The Americans would ruin the Suffolk Gazette. They don’t really get the British humour. They even spell humour humor.

“We will consider taking strike action if this goes ahead. We are fully behind the editor, except when he has had five pints of Adnams and a curry.”

The Suffolk Gazette is famous for cutting-edge exclusives such as ‘Seagull rips off nude sunbather’s tesicle’, and ‘Morris dancers and blind footballers in mass brawl’.

Ipswich dumped out of FA Cup to concentrate on mid-table finish

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Ipswich dumped out of FA Cup to concentrate on mid-table finish

Ipswich fans FA Cup final

Ipswich Town lost in the FA Cup so they could concentrate on finishing in a boring mid-table league position again, it has emerged.

Manager Mick McCarthy’s tactics ensured the Tractor Boys lost in the third round of the FA Cup for the EIGHTH year running.

Now Ipswich can spend the rest of the season with absolutely nothing to play for, probably finishing anywhere from 12th to 15th in the Championship.

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Fans were perplexed why their team, playing at home against a Sheffield United side that had made eight changes, could not even get one shot on target in the whole 90 minutes.

They were further surprised that in-form striker Joe Garner was left on the bench throughout while Freddie Sears, who has not scored for 15 years, led the front line for the whole game.

Young prospects were left out of the squad and even a new striker from Ireland was not given any game time as Ipswich huffed and puffed to a tedious 1-0 defeat.

But now McCarthy has made clear that avoiding any further FA Cup distractions – especially in the 40th anniversary year of Ipswich winning the trophy – means everyone can now concentrate on being bored rigid.

He told hacks at the post-match press conference he was “pleased” with the performance.

Now we know why – because he can make life as an Ipswich fan as interesting and inspiring as Delia Smith’s cooking.

Supporter Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “We have been in the Championship for 15 years in a row and we are bored out of our skulls watching dull, percentage football.

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“We specialise in finishing mid-table with no promotion-pushing excitement, and no relegation-fearing excitement whatsoever.

“But praise the Lord! McCarthy has yet again made sure we do not have any fun in the FA Cup because he detests the competition, which he sees as a distraction.

“What is it distracting us from, exactly? It’s distracting us from the tedium of following a team that is going nowhere, that’s what.”

Losing in the FA Cup third round also ensures Ipswich Town do not get any extra gate receipts or television money.

However, canny club bosses will cover that certainty by selling some of their best players, including centre back Tommy Smith, who will be leaving for Colorado.

Trump proves he has bigger buttons than Kim Jong-un

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Trump proves he has bigger buttons than Kim Jong-un

Trump button

President Trump insists his suit buttons are bigger than Kim Jong-un’s buttons, it has emerged.

The American President slapped down the North Korean leader by showing off his huge buttons in Washington today.

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Mr Jong-un had claimed the button on his shiny suit could be done up at any time he wanted.

But Mr Trump, who has had enough of North Korea’s fastener outrages, hit back with some school playground tit-for-tat baiting.

A White House insider said: “The President wanted to make it perfectly clear that his button was bigger than Kim Jong-un’s button.

“To prove it, he paraded in front of the cameras on the White House lawn today, showing off his ridiculously huge buttons.

“The buttons are massive – about the same size of Jong-un’s haircut.

“We’re now all waiting for Kim Jong-un to come out with even bigger buttons, but we’re not worried because his won’t work.”

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Some clothing experts are concerned that Mr Trump is able to access his buttons so easily.

One said: “It could put the world in peril if he got hold of one of the buttons and released it.

“It would be safer for us all if Mr Trump and irresponsible world leaders like the North Korean chap just wore jumpers instead.”

A spokesman for the North Korean regime said: “There can be no doubt that the Dear Leader has the biggest button in the world – he needs it to keep his fecking trousers up.”

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Rail passengers delighted as ticket hike funds more replacement buses

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Rail passengers delighted as ticket hike funds more replacement buses

Rail replacement bus service

By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

Train bosses insist they had to raise ticket prices in order to hire more rail replacement bus services.

They say customers will be delighted to pay record fares once they realise a comfy bus replacement is waiting in the station car park.

A spokesman for Train Industry Transport Society (TITS), which represents rail operators like Southern trains and Greater Anglia, said: “Hiring a rail replacement bus service is not cheap – it costs us a lot of money.

“Not as much money as running a train, but let’s not get bogged down in figures.

“The point is, if our customers want to get from A to B they should not expect to get on a train, but on a bus.

“And as we need more buses because our trains are shit and the network is screwed, we have to spend more money so the tickets need to go up.

“Instead of moaning, passengers should be pleased to be on a freezing bus with misted-up windows as it trundles from one random rural station to another for hours on end.”

But passenger groups were, for some reason, not so keen about more rail replacement bus services.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, who travels regularly between Suffolk and London using the Greater Anglia “service”, said it was outrageous.

“We have so many rail replacement buses – every weekend and Bank Holiday for years, seemingly – that we should be getting a reduction in ticket prices, not a record increase.”

Greater Anglia has put its prices up by 3.4 per cent, the highest rise for five years.

Only one group is pleased with the latest developments – and they are all rail replacement bus drivers like award-winning Gerald Jenkins.

Greater Anglia price hike arrives on time, trains don’t

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Greater Anglia price hike arrives on time, trains don’t

Ipswich station

By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

The latest train fare hikes arrived bang on time today – unlike many of Greater Anglia’s antiquated services.

Hard-pressed commuters were filled with joy while emptying their pockets for a 3.4% ticket increase – the biggest in five years.

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A quick glance down the official Greater Anglia Twitter feed revealed these issues during the first rush hour back to work after the Christmas and New Year period:

6.00 Stansted to London Liverpool Street 14 minutes late due to earlier points failure

6.33 Norwich to Cambridge 12 minutes late due to earlier train fault

6.45 Norwich to Lowestoft expected to be 10 minutes late due to earlier train fault

7.00 Liverpool Street to Norwich is 10 minutes late. This is due to a fault with the signalling system.

7.00 Stansted to Liverpool Street 8 coaches instead of 12

7.03 Stowmarket to Liverpool Street 8 coaches instead of 12

7.16 Harwich Town to London 8 coaches instead of 12

7.16 Clacton to Colchester 4 coaches instead of 8

7.30 Stansted to London Liverpool Street 8 coaches instead of 12

7.30 Liverpool Street to Norwich is running 10 minutes late. This is due to a fault with the signalling system.

7.35 Lowestoft to Norwich expected to be 10 minutes late due to earlier train fault

7.42 Liverpool Street to Hertford East 4 coaches instead of 8. This is due to a train fault.

7.47 Lowestoft to Norwich cancelled due to train fault

8.09 Norwich to Great Yarmouth cancelled due to a train fault.

8.10 Liverpool Street to Stansted 8 coaches instead of 12.

8.13 Liverpool Street to Southend Victoria expected to be 10 minutes late. This is due to another late running passenger train.

8.16 Southminster to Liverpool Street expected to be 10 minutes late. This is due to a train fault.

8.39 Hertford East to London Liverpool Street will be formed of 4 coaches instead of 8.

8:40 Liverpool Street to Stansted Airport is now expected to be 10 minutes late. This is due to cows on the track.

8.42 Liverpool Street to Hertford East has been cancelled. This is due to a train fault.

8.46 Great Yarmouth to Norwich cancelled due to a train fault

9.15 Stansted to Liverpool Street formed of 8 coaches instead of 12.

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Despite the inconvenience across the network, Greater Anglia regularly Tweeted: “Some updates to note here… otherwise a good service is running.”

Commuter Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Suffolk said: “I was very happy to pay 3.4% more for my service from Suffolk to London.

“Greater Anglia does an amazing job, so what could be better than paying an absolute fortune for sod all?”

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America bringing the NFL to Suffolk

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America bringing the NFL to Suffolk

Claiming that British counties need to embrace “cool” sports, America’s National Football League (NFL) is bringing the sport to football teams in Suffolk. In a bid to replace football, American football will now be played in local stadiums.

This is all in a bid to spread what they call “true football” throughout the UK. Suffolk is only the beginning of a quest for American football supremacy.

The task has already been started, with a range of ways to watch NFL games outside the USA. But the real challenge will be getting it into schools.

“We’re hoping that by 2020, British people will just be calling American football ‘football’ and their version ‘soccer,’” said Roger Goodell, head of the NFL. “By 2022, we aim to make soccer obsolete. Men’s soccer at least. In America, soccer is a women’s sport.”

Meanwhile, reactions from locals range from perplexity to indifference.

“If our football team was winning the Premier League, I’d care,” said Peter Johnson, purportedly a fan of Norwich City. “As is, let the Americans have their fun.”

“Isn’t American football just rugby with more advertisements?” questioned Sally Williamson.

No one quite understands just how the NFL will work in Suffolk. Theorists suspect local soccer teams will start adding their sponsors to the official team name, playing friendlies against “real” NFL teams, and making their goalkeepers the most important players on the field.

Local rugby players are confused as to why the NFL has not approached them, choosing instead to focus on players who actually play the game with their feet, instead of those who already use their hands.

Many American NFL players, for their part, are hoping to join Suffolk’s budding NFL. They say that they’re tired of the nationalism inherent to every single aspect of American life.

“Sometimes you just wanna take a knee without the president getting on your back,” said Colin Kaepernick. “I mean, I love the US, but man do they hate me there. Even before the whole national anthem thing, they hated me for being African-American. I know that the UK embraces all cultures, and loves people from all around the world. That’s why they let foreigners in so easily.”

When asked whether he was worried about the effects Brexit would have on said acceptance of foreigners, Kaepernick asked, “What’s Brexit?”

Regarding the inherent differences between American and British football, American NFL players have few qualms about making it work.

Tom Brady said, “They’re basically the same thing right? Isn’t British football just another name for the female leagues?”

When it was pointed out that British football is played with feet rather than hands, Brady just shrugged and said, “As long as the ball isn’t too hard, I don’t see what the trouble is.”

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