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Lowestoft time zone moves forward one hour

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Lowestoft is so far east that the time zone there is being brought forward one hour to compensate, it has emerged.

Town residents have been given just ten days notice about the disruptive change, which will undoubtedly create much confusion.

Britain’s most easterly point, Lowestoft gets the sun much earlier in the day and is plunged into darkness while the rest of the country is still out and about.

Experts say this might explain some of the odd behaviour of the town’s residents, who appear to have little in common with the rest of Suffolk.

Now the Government has bowed to local farmers’ pressure and agreed that clocks in the town will move forward one hour on Sunday March 25.

Then townsfolk will see a more natural spread of daylight over the day, and the switch will bring Lowestoft in line with much of Europe to the east.

But some business users are angry that they have not been given enough time to prepare for the change.

For example, Greater Anglia is trying to get its head around the concept that a train leaving Lowestoft will effectively arrive in Ipswich at the same time.

And tourist operators in the seaside resort, which is bidding for the 2021 UK City of Culture, fear day trippers will be unaware of the switch and miss out on an hour of glorious sunshine on the golden beaches.

Seafront ice cream kiosk owner Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “This will cause chaos. When someone says to a friend, ‘Come and meet me in Lowestoft at 11am’ they will miss each other, and then they may fall out.

“Plus some local people might not be aware of the change – ten days is not enough notice for something this big.

“Kids will be late for school, the rush-hour will be all over the place and we will have to get used to watching the ten o’clock news at 11pm, which is far too late for a lot of old people.”

The town made the national news last year when The Queen offered to give Lowestoft to Spain in order to keep Gibraltar.

Norfolk people told to wash occasionally

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Norfolk people urged to wash

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

The people of Norfolk have been advised that it might be a good idea to have an occasional wash.

Public health experts say it is no longer acceptable for them to be so filthy.

Cases of disease and festering sores are on the rise in the remote county, with fears that infections could cross the border into Suffolk.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, a spokesperson for Public Health England, said: “It’s a matter of education, really.

“Norfolk people are not used to body cleanliness.

“Working out in the bogs and marshes is dirty work, and they certainly do not have bathrooms.

“To be honest, once they get home to their sisters at night, the men folk have more on their mind than scrubbing up.”

Traditionally, the people of Norfolk have an annual community shower day.

Dirty Norfolk

A cattle trough full of water is set up on the village green every May Day, and villagers, high on cider and weird berries, take it in turns to jump in and scrub the year’s filth of their bodies.

Dr Neville Carragher, from Norwich Hospital, said: “This tradition unfortunately does more harm than good, because after the first couple of people have washed in it, the water trough is disgusting.

“By the time several hundred of them have sloshed about, it is an infectious pit of everything horrible known to man.”

Away supporters who travel to Norwich City’s Carrow Road ‘stadium’ will be relieved if locals start taking more care of themselves.

Ipswich fan Steve Walshe said: “It absolutely stinks up there in Norfolk.

“If you pass one or two in the street it is not so bad because the wind might be in the opposite direction.

“But when you get thousands of them crowded together under one roof, you can see this acrid, shimmering cloud rising up to the rafters.

“The Russians could start harvesting it – it would be far more deadly than any nerve agent.”

Noddy sues council over car’s pothole damage

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Noddy the taxi driver

Busy local businessman Noddy has been forced to take legal action after his car was damaged by a pothole.

The hat-wearing taxi driver is seeking damages from Toyland Council to repair the suspension on his car.

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Noddy said he was driving down Toyland High Street when his left wheel hit the pothole, causing £1,500 of damage.

“The state of the roads is shocking,” he wrote in a letter supporting his claim.

“I drive a taxi and everyone says they are fed up. My friend Big Ears says it is the worst he has seen in his lifetime.”

The car damage has been a further blow to Noddy, who is already suffering from the cheap competition from Uber, which nearly put him out of business last year.

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“It’s one thing after another,” he said.

“How am I meant to make a living with my car stuck in a garage getting repaired?

“Toyland Council will hopefully pay me some compensation soon so I can get back to work.”

A spokesman for the council said: “We can confirm we have received a compensation claim from a Mr Noddy, of Toyland.

“We will investigate as soon as possible, but would stress paying out compensation for pothole damage means we have less money to spend on repairing potholes.”

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International Men’s Day set for November 19

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International Men's Day

Following International Women’s Day, a special men’s day is being planned for them to get their own back.

Many men tweeted on the women’s equality day: “So much for that… when is International Men’s Day?”

Elderly comedian Richard Herring reminded them that it is on November 19, so groups need to start organising

Suffolk Men’s Liberation Society has pencilled the day in for events around the county.

A spokesman said last night: “The highlight of the day will be the Ipswich Loading The Dishwasher Disco, a light-hearted way of bringing awareness to men having their own way at putting the crockery and knives in the machine without women tutting and storming off in a huff.

“Stowmarket will feature a Parallel Parking Parade, while Needham will stage the Women Must Put The Bins Out rally.

“Back at Ipswich in the evening there will be a men’s football tournament at Portman Road with a special pre-match lecture on the offside rule.

“Men feel that in this day and age, they should have equal rights with women, whether in the home, the workplace, in sport, down the pub, and in pursuits like beard and moustache-growing.

Richard Herring, who is touring the country at different venues from his ex-Lee and Herring comedy partner, Stewart Lee, said: “I do my bit to promote men’s day and I’m glad Suffolk is getting behind it.

“Men are edging their way to equality every day but there is still a long way to go before men feel comfortable on a Spa Day.”

The news follows our revelation yesterday that a man had remarked an International Women’s Day banner needed ironing.

You’ll never need to mow the lawn again

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You won't have to mow the lawn

A Suffolk company has invented a type of grass that never needs to be cut, it has emerged.

Gardeners will be delighted to ditch their lawnmowers as the special seed formula ensures each blade never reaches more than an inch in height.

Instead it stops growing, leaving a beautiful, uniform finish across the garden.

Weekends will never be the same again as householders will no longer have to huff and puff with an expensive lawnmower, or worry about what to do with the grass cuttings.

But there is one downside to the wonder grass – lawnmower manufacturers and retailers will have to brace themselves for a huge downturn in business.

The new seeds were developed by InchPerfect Grass Ltd of Lavenham, in a secret testing facility behind one of the village’s chocolate-box houses.

InchPerfect is now being stocked in bags at all good garden centres and DIY stores. A £15.99 bag should be enough for lawns of up to one quarter of an acre.

The seed kills off the existing grass, which now grows alarmingly fast for around ten months of the year, and then grows itself – to just one inch.

Managing Director Lorraine Fisher, 34, revealed: “We’ve spent years developing the grass and it works a treat.

“However, we have to proceed carefully to ensure the grass seed does not cross-contaminate nearby farmers’ fields, because there’s every chance none of their crops would grow above an inch in height – and no-one likes a stubby carrot.”

She said InchPerfect grass was the perfect natural alternative to the awful artificial grass used by some lazy people – or those who get hayfever.

Women allowed to read the Suffolk Gazette for free

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From the desk of the Editor

The Suffolk Gazette is celebrating International Women’s Day by allowing women across the world to read the newspaper for FREE.

For a period of ONE MONTH from midnight tonight, the popular publication is prepared to lose a small fortune in revenues simply to recognise the important role women have played in Suffolk life.

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Head of the paper’s Equal Opportunities Board, Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “The Suffolk Gazette has championed women across the county, and hired some of the best female writers for decades, such as the much-missed, late In My Lady Garden columnist, Anita Bush.

“But we want to do more to celebrate women and to show our appreciation.

“For that reason, women everywhere will be able to read the Suffolk Gazette for free for a whole month.”

Ms Fisher explained that women can walk away with a free print version of the newspaper from any newsagent – while modern-day technology can detect the sex of any visitor to a website.

“We will know if you are a man pretending to be a woman while reading the online news, hoping to get something for nothing. So don’t try it.”

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Staff at the newspaper, which is read by hundreds of thousands of people a day, hope the initiative will prompt other local businesses to serve women for free.

Steve Walshe, head of finance, said: “This is going to leave a severe hole in our cash flow. But it’s important to take a stand.

“We urge colleagues at Adnams to give women free beer, and for local restaurants to allow them to eat for free.”

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Amazing WiFi BBQ will revolutionise summer cooking

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A fuel-free barbecue that runs off the household WiFi is set to take Britain by storm this summer.

The hi-tech grill does not need expensive gas or grubby charcoal to power up its flames.

Instead, you simply use a phone app to connect the BBQ to your WiFi signal.

The connection powers the grill, giving off brilliant flames or low heat, depending on the chef’s choice. If the BBQ is not your thing, you can find some genuinely cool gear for outdoor sporting pursuits at Globo Surf.

Experts say the WiFi BBQ, which will be available at all good DIY stockists from next week, will revolutionise how Britons enjoy their garden barbecue fun. With this feature, grilling in an outdoor kitchen will become easier and more convenient while still producing delicious results.

WiFi BBQ inventor Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Suffolk, said her product had already received advance orders numbering in their tens of thousands.

She said: “You can set up the WiFi BBQ anywhere in the garden without having to lug a heavy gas canister around – so long as it is within your house WiFi range (extenders are available).

“Once logged on, the grill lights up instantly, and the flames and heat can be adjusted just like any other barbecue.

“Anyone bored of trying to light charcoal BBQs and then disposing of the used charcoal afterward will find the WiFi BBQ is brilliant.”

Better than other crazy business ideas, it will come with a recommended retail price of just £79.99, and the phone app will be available to download for free.

Ms Fisher declined to explain exactly how a WiFi signal could power the barbecue, which is being made at her factory near the RAF Bentwaters airbase outside Woodbridge.

But experts say it is likely the WiFi BBQ will harness similar technology used by the cordless garden hose we featured in this newspaper last year.

Mugs that don’t even need WiFi

You can buy a mug that operates perfectly well without WiFi. They are provided by our partners Dirty Old Goat.

How to create a winning 10-page paper

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A large piece of writing is always scary. Students get worried thinking that they have no idea what to put into ten pages or how to complete such a big task in a short-term. However, every single student has to deal with a 10-page paper at least once. In this article, you will find out how to write a large paper successfully and make it stand out.

Here are some working tips that will help you to manage the task and complete it successfully. We gathered these recommendations to help you write a 10 page paper and break it down into bites, so the whole process of writing will become interesting and challenging (in a good sense).

Best tips to help you to compose a 10-page paper

– The best tip that will help you to write a large paper and make it successful is to start in advance. The more time you leave for preparing, the faster you will complete a paper. Start doing research as early as possible. Depending on the topic complexity, you may need to research it for a week. Some information can be taken from students, some from the Internet, and some somewhere far on the shelf of a library.
– Another reason to start in advance is to give yourself time to write and rewrite every bit if necessary. If you aim to deliver the best paper possible, then proofreading, editing and rewriting are important steps your paper should go through.
– Make a plan. Separate your paper into bits and plan how much time you will need to devote to each. When you are composing a winning paper in stages, it makes the whole process much easier. A timeline table with dates and tasks will help you to stick to the plan and complete every bit on time. For example, divide the whole task of writing a 10-page paper into obtaining knowledge about the topic, finding resources, taking notes, writing a two-page overview of a source of information, defining five major aspects of the topic and writing about them, dividing a topic into subtopics and discussing them, composing a few paragraphs of analysis, developing a thesis statement, writing a draft of the paper.
– Never leave writing a 10-page paper for the last-minute. The worst case scenario is that you may not find appropriate information. Therefore, you might struggle with writing even the few first pages. Remember that every paper needs a strong thesis statement, and if there is no supporting information, you will have to look for a new topic or just face failure.

The Structure of a winning 10-Page paper

As we have already mentioned above, it is important to break large papers into small units. Usually, a 10-page paper consists of approximately twenty-two paragraphs. So, how to divide the paper and information into twenty-two paragraphs? Follow experts’ advice and deliver a smartly structured paper, and get a high-grade:

– Two paragraphs of the introduction. Start the first paragraph with a question. Tell a brief story and explain why the story needs interpretation. In the second paragraph, you need to answer the question that you placed in the beginning. The second paragraph should end with a thesis statement and should catch readers’ attention and make them interested in reading your paper to the end.
– Eighteen paragraphs of the body. The body is the biggest part of any paper. So, eighteen paragraphs are the right number for a 10-page paper. Divide the body part into subheads. State one side’s position in the first part of the body and discuss the opposing opinion in the next. In the last part of the body, you can explain how the conflict was resolved supporting it with evidence. Therefore, to write such a big number of paragraphs and provide interesting information, and avoid repeating the same information just to extend the content as much as possible, you need to conduct research on the topic in advance.
– Two paragraphs of the conclusion. Replicate your thesis statement and explain why your idea or thought is the best in understanding the topic in the first paragraph. Prove the importance of your argument and the story in general in the second part of the conclusion.

Hopefully, those recommendations will make you feel calm about an upcoming task of writing a 10-page paper. Try them and see how easy it is to compose a large paper when you divide it into parts and plan your work in advance.