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Village shop owner dead at till for six years

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Little Brimmer shop keeper

A village shop keeper sat dead at his till for six years before anyone noticed, it has emerged.

Terence Todd was still upright with a magazine open in from of him, while his trusty wireless was still broadcasting BBC Radio Suffolk.

Mr Todd, 72, was discovered by Sean Francis, who was visiting Little Brimmer, near Bury St Edmunds on business. He said the only pulse he could find was a 250g bag of red lentils in the food section.

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Examinations of the body showed that Mr Todd had been dead for over six years, apparently having suffered from terminal loneliness.

Local villagers claimed they were very upset by the news – despite having not bothered to support Little Brimmer General Stores in a decade, preferring instead to shop at nearby out-of-town supermarkets.

A shocked Mr Francis, 33, told the Suffolk Gazette how he found the body on Friday afternoon.

He said: “I noticed instantly that something was wrong and called for help as soon as I got there,” although CCTV footage actually showed he failed to realise the cashier was dead for eight minutes, browsing the shop and even attempting to engage Mr Todd in conversation.

“I rang for an ambulance. Looking back, I’m not sure why. They weren’t really able to do anything for him.”

A weekend stock-take showed that the general store’s goods had not been replaced for six years. Newspapers on the shop shelves were datelined 1st November, 2011.

“I did wonder why all the headlines were about David Cameron,” said Francis, a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman. “And there was a funny smell, but sometimes you get funny smells in little village shops.

“I thought maybe some of the food was stale – instead it was poor Mr Todd who had passed his expiry date.”

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Mr Todd’s death has led to an outpouring of grief from fellow villagers, despite the fact that none of them crossed his shop’s threshold for the better part of a decade.

“Our village needs its local shop,” said Martha Langham, 42. “It’s the centre of the community, a vital institution.”

When asked when she had last visited the shop, Langham said she couldn’t remember, “Although I recall we had a conversation about John Major.”

“I once bought some vegetarian sausages from the shop in 1998,” said fellow resident Leanne Cresswell, 42. “They were quite good. A little overpriced, perhaps. Oh, it’s so sad that he’s gone.”

Mr Todd’s funeral will take place next week, and Sean Francis, from Newmarket, has promised to attend. “I may as well,” he sighed. “After all, it would be terrible if nobody turned up.”

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Police hunt missing working class folk as new butcher shops open

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Peasants for sale

By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

Police are investigating the mystery disappearance of dozens of working class people around Lowestoft in Suffolk.

Officers have been inundated with calls about loved ones who have failed to return home after a night out at the pub or bingo.

They say there may be a link into the missing 74 people, all of whom lived in or around Lowestoft, and all of whom were said to be on the bread line.

Police say the disappearances coincided with the opening of two new butchers’ shops in the town, which have been advertising some strange meats.

One has a sign outside saying ‘Fresh local peasants, £4.49 each’, adding ‘naturally reared meats, taste the difference’.

Another one has a display informing shoppers ‘Fresh, local oven ready peasants’

Neighbours say there has been some strange coming and goings late at night, with deliveries arriving in rolled-up carpets for some reason.

A Suffolk police spokesman said: “There is no obvious link at this time, but we find it curious that two local butchers have started selling peasant meat just as lots of poor people go missing.

“We are sending round some detectives to investigate if the owners are telling porkie pies.”

Mr Sweeney Todd, who runs one of the outlets under police watch, said: “Our peasants are of the finest quality.

“All have been plucked and can be de-boned on request.

“And because they are peasants, there isn’t an ounce of fat on them.”

In other news, shop owners in the area are being asked to get some spelling lessons.

Gran finds another painting of Jesus ‘worth $450 million’

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New painting of Jesus

Suffolk grandmother Beryl Lynch claims she has uncovered another painting of Jesus worth $450 million, it has emerged.

Mrs Lynch made the incredible discovery days after a Leonardo da Vinci portrait of Christ sold for the jaw-dropping figure at auction.

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“I was looking in a skip in Halesworth yesterday when I saw the picture of Jesus poking out from under an old lawn mower.

“Only hours earlier I had read about the da Vinci selling for $450 million, and then this image came to me.

“I’m not religious at all, but this was a miracle.”

Mrs Lynch, 77, said her painting, portraying a bearded, long-haired Christ in a fetching blue tunic with red sash, was surely worth just as much as the one sold at Christies in New York this week.

“Finding my picture was a sign from above,” Mrs Lynch, a retired post office worker said.

“The painting is unsigned and was not framed, but you can tell from the quality of the work that it is a priceless masterpiece.

“I reckon it dates back well over 2,000 years.”

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She has not yet taken her portrait to an art expert, and insists they “do not really know what they are talking about anyway”.

Instead, she is thinking of taking it to TW Gaze auctioneers in Diss, Norfolk to put in their next sale.

“I’m not greedy or anything, but I can’t help looking at new houses and cars. And I could really do with a nice holiday.”

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Norwich City add Delia Smith’s royal award to honours list

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Delia Smith

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Desperate Norwich City have added owner Delia Smith’s latest award from the Queen to their own honours list.

The Norfolk club has won nothing of importance, so famously lists things like “UEFA Cup Participants, 1993-94” to its meagre roll of honour.

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Now the club’s official programme has added Order of the Companions of Honour, 2017 to the honours list to try to make it look more impressive.

Owner Delia Smith picked up the honour from Her Majesty The Queen at Buckingham Palace this week – and went on to stick the knife into poncey, chefy restaurants.

A Carrow Road insider said: “We have an inferiority complex about our East Anglian rivals, Ipswich Town, who have got league championship, FA Cup and UEFA Cup titles among their long-list of genuine achievements.

“So we have to be a little bit more creative, hence we have UEFA Cup participants in 1993-94 – and boast about our third-place finish in the Premier League the year before.

“Plus we crow about reaching the FA Cup semi-finals three times, although one of those was back in 1959 when we had to beat Ilford along the way and eventually lost to the mighty Luton Town.”

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Football experts say the Norwich City honours list is an endearing piece of football trivia.

“Let’s not forget Ipswich also gave England its two best managers in Alf Ramsey and Bobby Robson, and arguably two of its best captains in Mick Mills and Terry Butcher.

“At one point, most of the England, Scotland and Dutch national teams were made up of Ipswich Town players – but in total, Norwich players have only 16 England caps between them EVER.

“So it’s no surprise Norwich try to cling on to anything positive.

“But it’s a bit rich adding Delia Smith’s new Order of the Companions of Honour to its supposed achievements.”

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Lidl introduces Middle Class Mondays

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Lidl to launch Middle Class Mondays

Lidl is launching Middle Class Mondays so well-to-do customers can take advantage of cheap shopping without having to meet any common people.

Many snobby shoppers would like to try Lidl instead of Sainsbury or Waitrose – but can not cope with the thought of rubbing shoulders with the working class.

So supermarket bosses will ban the great unwashed on Mondays, and allow only yummy mummies or men called Jeremy through the doors instead.

One middle-class shopper from Suffolk said: “Lidl is supposed to be very good value for money, with some real quality, which is surprising because poor people don’t appreciate nice things.

“I have been wanting to try it for ages – they do nice wines and even lobster.

“I hear they also do surprise price drops on random fun stuff like 216-piece tool kits, bicycle pumps and umbrellas.

“But the thought of coming face-to-face with a large working class woman and her loud children fills me with horror.

“So Lidl’s Middle Class Mondays is a great idea. I can shop without fear, and also common people won’t feel inadequate by being in the same social space as me.”

Dwayne Smith, 27, from Ipswich, said Middle Class Mondays were a great idea. “I am working class and wear trackie bottoms and a baseball cap.

“If I accidentally bump into an intelligent or posh person in a shop I get embarrassed because I can not think of the right words to say, so it comes out in a sort of rude, sweary rant.

“Then I nick their purse.”

A Lidl spokesman said: “Finally snobs can come and experience our great deals. We now challenge Waitrose to hold Working Class Mondays so our customers have somewhere to shop when we turn them away.”

Boris Johnson insists Robert Mugabe was only on holiday in Zimbabwe

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Boris Johnson and Robert Mugabe

Bungling Boris Johnson insists detained dictator Robert Mugabe was only in Zimbabwe on holiday and should be released immediately.

The under-pressure Foreign Secretary was speaking after the Army staged a peaceful coup in the rogue African country, putting Mr Mugabe and his henchmen under house arrest.

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He made a huge gaffe this week by saying British-Iranian citizen Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe, jailed for five years on espionage charges while on holiday in Iran, had indeed been in the country training journalists.

His error could make her situation worse, and entitle the Iranians to keep her locked up for longer.

Desperate to avoid a repeat of his embarrassing gaffe, Mr Johnson told the House of Commons that Mr Mugabe, 93, had really only been in Zimbabwe on vacation.

He had been “enjoying the wildlife and beautiful countryside since 1987”.

Mr Johnson added: “It is clear Mr Mugabe and his lovely wife, Grace, had only been visiting Zimbabwe on holiday, and he had in no way been working there as a tyrannical dictator.

“There is certainly no evidence he caused misery and poverty to millions while denying human rights and eradicating all opposition.

“It is therefore right and proper that the Zimbabwe armed forces let Mr Mugabe go so he can return home to England to be with his friends and family.”

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Downing Street insiders tried to brush aside Mr Johnson’s latest howler, with one saying: “Well at least it takes everyone’s minds off the Iranian affair.”

Labour demanded the Foreign Secretary’s resignation.

“The man gets it horribly wrong every time he opens his mouth,”a spokesman said.

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Irish to cheer on England at World Cup

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Irish fans cheer England

By Phil McCracken, Ireland Correspondent

The Irish are looking forward to cheering on England at the World Cup now that their own team has been eliminated, it has been confirmed.

Ireland lost to Denmark in a play-off meaning they will not go to Russia to compete in the World Cup next summer.

Now the Irish will turn their affections to the English, who have long been their second favourite team.

Football fan Dermot O’Leary, 37, from Dublin, said: “Everyone here loves the cheeky-chappy English, with their sense of humour and endearing sporting attitude.

“During the World Cup bars across Ireland will be packed with locals roaring on the Three Lions and belting out the English National Anthem.

“It certainly takes some of the pain away from our own heartbreaking elimination.”

Ireland played Denmark in Dublin after drawing 0-0 in the first leg of the tense play-off in Copenhagen.

Yet despite scoring first, the men in green went on to lose 5-1, meaning it is the Danes who will be enjoying their summer in Russia.

A pub landlord in Cork said: “There were a few long faces tonight, but then someone mentioned the English got to the World Cup and everyone cheered up.

“They are everyone’s favourite second team. We all celebrate St George’s Day and everything.”

Gym poser’s testicles EXPLODED as he lifted too much weight

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Testicles explode

A keep fit fanatic’s testicles EXPLODED after his vain attempt to lift more weight went terribly wrong, it has emerged.

Scott Wells, 24, was left screaming in agony and covered in blood after the horrendous accident in his Ipswich gym.

He had been trying to impress his mates by lifting 150 pounds (68 kilos) – 15 more than he had managed before.

But he strained so much that both his testicles exploded in his shorts.

An ambulance was called and paramedics stemmed the blood loss before taking Mr Wells, a car mechanic, to Ipswich Hospital.

Doctors were unable to save his testicles, and informed him he will never be able to have children.

A witness at the Mr Muscles gym said: “I have never seen anything like it. This bloke fancied himself a bit and was bragging to his mates that he could beat his personal best.

“He loaded more weight onto the bar and then went for it. He was really struggling, going red in the face – and then it happened.

“There was a sort of loud popping, he dropped the bar and collapsed on the floor, rolling around in agony.

“I suppose it serves him right for showing off.”

A member of staff at the gym said: “The ambulance guys said when you strain too much, one of two things can happen – either your rectum becomes prolapsed or your testicles explode. Not in women, obviously.

“Unfortunately for Mr Wells, it was the latter. We do not expect to see him here for a while.”