Pizza Express is on the verge of collapse after running out of dough, it has emerged.
The restaurant chain is said to owe £1.1 billion and has called in financial advisers ahead of talks with creditors.
Pizza expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “A company that relies on dough has run out it.
“There may be a chance of restructuring the debt, but it’s just as likely the company could be sliced up.”
Meanwhile, fans are already suggesting that because pizzas are Italian, Brexit is to blame for the crisis.
Idiot Steve Walshe said: “It’s a national disgrace. The Government should step in and nationalise Pizza Express, saving it for the nation.
“It managed to find a fleet of planes to rescue stranded Thomas Cook passengers, so why can’t it get together a fleet of mopeds to carry our pizza deliveries?”
The Suffolk Gazette resolutely refuses to do any more pizza jokes, because that would be too cheesy.
Famous St Helens rugby league fan and comedian Johnny Vegas will be named in the starting line-up alongside his heroes in this season’s Super League Grand Final, as the club look to make a contest of a game that otherwise wouldn’t be.
St Helens reached their first Super League Grand Final since 2014 by thrashing reigning champions Wigan, their third victory over the Warriors this season. If there was any doubt as to just how big a gap there has been between the Saints and the rest of the league this season, they never looked worried against the league’s second-best side during their easy win.
Vegas, a lifelong Saints fan, made an off-the-cuff joke to club officials after a long lunch – one which will now see him line up at hooker in this season’s Grand Final. The 49-year old may not have the pace he was once blessed with, something that came in useful during his time as a door-to-door boiler insurance salesman, but the thought is that Vegas’ experience will see him hold his own against players half his age and double his muscle mass.
Having made his debut for Saints in 2005, when Vegas appeared in Kieron
Cunningham’s testimonial, not to mention Sky 1’s Duck Quacks Don’t Echo, the
occasion isn’t something expected to trouble the veteran. What will likely give
St Helens’ opponents a chance will be later in the game when Vegas may tire,
but when you look at this season it’s likely the gap will be big enough by that
point that it won’t stop Saints from lifting the trophy.
St Helens, who are now as short as 3/10 to lift the Super League Trophy with
the latest rugby league odds, may well be one of the best teams we’ve seen
in this league for a while. So much so that there are rumours beginning to
circulate suggesting other celebrity fans, actor Ricky Tomlinson and darts
player Stephen Bunting, could be named on the bench by head coach Justin
Holbrook.
The Australian, who will return to Australia to join the Gold Coast Titans at the end of the season, has always wanted to go out on a high, which could now mean Jim from The Royle Family scoring a last-minute, field-length interception.
While fairness isn’t applicable in sports, this St Helens team has ticked
every box this season and couldn’t be in a stronger position heading into this
crucial part of the campaign. With Vegas, and potentially Tomlinson and Bunting,
in the team, you’d have to say St Helens won’t be quite as strong as they have
been for much of the season.
But based on just how big a gap there is between Saints and the rest of the
league, you’d have to say it will probably take a lot more than a couple of
overweight middle-aged men in their midfield to weaken this team enough to give
their opponents even a sniff of walking away from Old Trafford with as
champions.
Former Tory leadership hopeful Rory Stewart has revealed “you can’t always get what you want” in politics and quit Parliament.
He now intends to be a full-time Mick Jagger lookalike and earn a respectable living.
He told the Suffolk Gazette: “It’s time to start me up on something new and time is on my side, but it won’t be for much longer.
“Demand for Jagger lookalikes beyond his early-fifties appearance era is low. I’m in my mid-forties now so I’ve still got a good few years left in me.”
With the real Sir Mick being ill recently and unavailable for public appearances, Jagger lookalikes are in high demand right now, so the timing of the career switch couldn’t have been better.
“I completed a training course in lower body and hip movement recently so I’m in good shape now to emulate the moves of The Rolling Stones frontman.
“I’ll miss sessions in the house with Boris, Raab and co, but I have a new stage to strut my stuff on now. I’ll have one farewell speech, the last time.”
Mr Stewart said he was fed-up with stories of Boris Johnson and his little red rooster, and wild horses couldn’t change his mind. Mr Stewart was particularly shocked by recent revelations concerning the Prime Minister and a pushy honky tonk woman from America. “Unlike him, it seems I can’t get no satisfaction,” he lamented.
Within minutes of the announcement, Mr Stewart was cut adrift by the House of Commons IT department, with head of IT operations Lorriane Fisher, 34, demanding he return his laptop and “get off my cloud”.
Mr Stewart was speaking to the Suffolk Gazette over a coffee (white with brown sugar) before retiring for a curry at the Ruby Tuesday in Westminster.
CCTV captured this image of the dodgy builder at the victim’s London home
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent
A dodgy builder persuaded a vulnerable old lady that her whole roof needs replacing as a matter of urgency.
The trickster knocked on the door of the large, detached residence in central London and persuaded the elderly resident that repairs were essential.
But after marching the grey-haired great granny to a cashpoint to withdraw £200,000 as an upfront payment for the work, a group of nearby sleuths cottoned on to his devious plan and put a stop to it.
Local police spokesperson Constable Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “What sort of a person tries to trick an old lady like this?
“One of the tiles on her roof was slightly loose but he persuaded her the whole lot needed replacing. He then quoted her £200,000 which he wanted as an upfront payment. In cash.
“The poor resident was completely taken in as he seemed like a genuine sort, and she didn’t want her roof to leak.”
Constable Fisher said the builder, described as dishevelled and slightly deranged, was only stopped when 11 members of a local law society spotted what he was up to.
One of the group, a rather dour lady with a large pet spider on her jumper, gave him a right rollicking and told him he was being unlawful. She said he had told untruths to the elderly lady and should get back to his proper job immediately.
The victim had her money returned and is said to be none the worse for her ordeal.
A family friend said: “She said if he comes around here again, it’s orf with his head.”
Image: Boris part from Andrew Parsons/ i-images under CC 2.0
Suffolk just so happens to be one of the best places in the UK to dress up and celebrate the odd American holiday of Halloween, with events taking place all over the county that are far better than those across the border in Norfolk.
Of course, this year in the UK, we may be treated to a double holiday, with
All Hallows’ Eve coinciding with the infinitely scarier Brexit deadline. This
schedule clash, along with
other preparations, has led to a few tweaks in Suffolk’s packed
Halloween events line-up, so let’s check out the events that are being
staged here and the costumes that you can deploy to be both edgy but within the
boundaries of modern demands.
Stockpiling Scares in Suffolk on 31 October
Along with the pubs and clubs in Ipswich and across the county likely
putting up decorations and having kooky-coloured shots on offer, there are many
organised events taking place around Suffolk. One of the most notable is
ScaresVille: The Haunted Village, which is now, spookily, entering its 13th
year. It’s a popular event around here, taking place at Kentwell Hall each
October.
While they advise against wearing Halloween costumes, they’ve said nothing
about sporting some Brexit-wear. Why not improvise a mummy costume using Union
Jack bunting? Or better yet, you could celebrate the severing of our union with
the body of the EU by crafting a headless horseman costume? Just be careful of
where you leave your head lying around if you go with this choice, as we’re
sure Brexiteers won’t want to lose their heads on this auspicious day.
Politically
Appropriate Costumes for Halloween 2019
Picking a good, recognisable, and possibly funny costume can be very
difficult for Halloween, but there are a few key characters, and items, which
can help you stand out on the night. Avoiding inappropriate stereotypes and
being culturally considerate in the face of the impending doom of a possible
Irish backstop, the classic leprechaun costume is a perfectly apt choice this
year.
Leprechauns are cheeky little creatures, loved the nation over, much like
all of our MPs. This is most likely because they are still the main characters
in popular gambling games like
Slots O’ Gold, Rainbow Jackpots, and Rainbow Riches, allowing people to
recognise and see the fun in big green costumes and top hats.
Considering the political horror show that has been the last three years,
you need not look further than our current parliamentary representatives for
costume ideas! Want to emulate BoJo for that touch of conservatism? Simply buy
a suit three sizes too big and do nothing with your hair. Is a hard Brexit more
your speed? With a few tweaks, any old gargoyle or frog costume can be
repurposed into an impassioned Farage facade. Can’t decide on either option?
That’s great! You’ve already got your Corbyn costume sorted.
Where pop culture is concerned, Avengers Endgame will be cornering the single market as the highest-grossing film ever, so you’re bound to see a few Caps, Hulks, and Iron Men bouncing around Halloween 2019. But what about costume ideas based on our unsung heroes, the political correspondents that have had the arguably most interesting years of their lives? Swap out that Black Widow outfit and light up Twitter with a homage to Laura Kuenssberg, with most M&S suits doing the trick. Better yet, double down on the pop-culture element and go as an entirely different sort of Jon Snow!
Whatever your political leaning, one thing is for certain: October 31st,
2019 is going to be the scariest Halloween yet!
Larry the Downing Street cat has again reassured Britain that he is now running the country.
After the Supreme Court ruled Prime Minister Boris Johnson had acted illegally and lied to the Queen, Larry wanted to calm the nation’s fears.
Larry, 12, declared: “Don’t worry, Britain. I’m in charge now.”
As he has moved from his favourite doorstep outside Number 10 to take up office inside, he insisted he is the right cat for the job and would never have prrrrrrrorogued Parliament.
Larry makes his grand entrance to Number 10 earlier today
In a powerful address to the nation, he promised to bring a divided country back together.
He said: “This is the greatest honour that can come to any cat in a democracy. I know full well the responsibilities that await me as I enter the door of No. 10 and I’ll strive unceasingly to try to fulfil the trust and confidence that the British people have placed in me and the things in which I believe.
“And I would just like to remember some words of St. Francis of Assisi, which I think are really just particularly apt at the moment. ‘Where there is discord, may we bring harmony. Where there is error, may we bring truth. Where there is doubt, may we bring faith. Where there is despair, may we bring hope, and where there is an empty dish, may we bring Whiskas’.”
Larry prepares for his first Cabinet meeting
Larry’s first job, after a nap in the sunshine, will be to form his first Cabinet.
Political commentator Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Speculation is rife about who will join Larry in Cabinet. He thinks Michael Gove is a rat, so for his own safety he might like to keep away.”
It’s unclear where Larry stands on the Brexit debate. One minute he asks to go out, then he’s in, then he asks to go out again. Some campaigners fear he’ll simply push Brexit off the table. That would certainly put bookmakers in the litterbox, who have happily collected future bets while giving both remain and leave a sporting chance.
Removal teams were today arriving in Downing Street with some of Larry’s belongings to help him settle in, including a scratching post and a clockwork mouse.
Downing Street staff must expect many changes, including allowing the Prime Minister to poo in the rose garden.
