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Ipswich Town relegation; it’s not THAT likely?!

The Editor
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Are Ipswich going down? You bet!

There’s lots of doom and gloom around Portman Road right now. Ipswich Town are rooted to the bottom of the Championship and their first 22 league games of the season have delivered a measly two wins. So dire are their straits, in fact, that if you shop around you can find odds of around 5/1 against them staying up come the end of the campaign.

Given that there is still more than half a season to go and no other teams’ odds for staying up are any longer than around 7/4, that suggests the UK’s top betting sites feel survival for the Tractor Boys is pretty unlikely. Before Ipswich fans start sinking too far into depression, however, let’s provide a little wider context. There are plenty of other things, after all, which the odds makers still reckon are far more unlikely than a great escape down Ipswich way.

Baddiel, Skinner & The Lightning Seeds to be Xmas Number One

Sticking with the world of football – just about – it’s currently around 200/1 that Three Lions by Baddiel, Skinner and the Lightning Seeds will be sitting at the top of the charts come Christmas. As glory starved as us England fans are, a fourth-placed finish at the World Cup and success in a tournament that didn’t exist this time last year surely can’t be enough to make that happen!  

Margaret Thatcher to Feature on the New £50 Note

There’s currently a search ongoing for a new public figure from the world of science to feature on £50 notes. Given her academic background – she was a research chemist at Oxford University – Margaret Thatcher has been given odds of 50/1 to receive the honour. It seems inconceivable that ‘the milk snatcher’ could realistically get the nod, but then again, it’s only really Tory supporters who ever see any fifties anyway.

Conor McGregor to Become Irish Ambassador to Russia

UFC fighter Conor McGregor is a lot of things, but diplomatic certainly isn’t one of them! The odds of around 500/1 offered by a famous Irish bookie for him to become the country’s ambassador to Russia, therefore, could even be described as a bit on the short side. That’s especially true when you consider the high-profile and ugly incident which followed McGregor’s fight with Russian Khabib Nurmagomedov earlier this year. Where Vladimir Putin’s concerned, though, you just never know.

Prince Harry & Meghan Markle to Name Their Child Joffrey

Whilst the activities of the royal family would undoubtedly be a lot more entertaining if they more closely resembled Game of Thrones, it still seems a long shot that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle would go the whole hog and name their new baby Joffrey. The currently available odds of around 500/1 certainly reflect that. One thing’s for sure, however, if it were to come to pass Princes Charles and William, along with the other royals ahead of the new Prince Joffrey on the order of succession had better watch out.         

Nigel Farage to be the Next Tory Leader

Currently priced up at around 200/1, Nigel Farage is just one of a whole host of unlikely candidates to take the poison chalice of the Tory leadership after Theresa May has finished supping from it. Those odds are understandable given that Farage has failed to gain a seat in any of the general elections he’s run in and is, of course, a divisive figure at best (that’s the diplomatic way of saying most people hate him). The state of UK politics as they are right now, however, it would hardly be the biggest surprise to see Farage in number ten.

Katie Hopkins to be the Next Dr Who

Speaking of divisive figures (you know what that means now), former Apprentice contestant turned professional s**t stirrer, Katie Hopkins, is an unlikely option to follow Jodie Whittaker into the TARDIS. That is, at least, according to the bookies who place her at around 110/1 to become the second ever female doctor. If it were to happen, though, the show’s writers would likely have to cope with the fact that Hopkins would surely refuse to visit any foreign countries, let alone planets.

Helen Mirren to be the New James Bond

As we’ve already mentioned, there is now a female Dr Who, so what odds on the James Bond producers following suit and giving a woman their top job? 500/1 is the answer to that, if the woman in question is to be Dame Helen Mirren; at least according to the bookies. It seems that there’s little chance of it happening, then, but I for one would pay good money to see a film where Mirren parachutes into some baddies’ lair and beats the living daylights out of a clutch of seven-foot-tall henchmen.

MPs deserve their relaxing Christmas holiday, agrees Britain

The Editor
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MPs deserve their relaxing Christmas holiday, agrees Britain

Members of Parliament fully deserve their extended Christmas holiday because they have done such a marvellous job this year, Britain agrees.

Every person in the country, no matter which side of the Brexit debate they are on, says Parliament has really set the bar at a new high in 2018.

And because so much has been achieved in the past few months, the nation hopes its MPs have a jolly good rest for more than two weeks while the rest of us take two days off.

Parliamentary observer Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “We can only hope they return from this extended break on January 7 and find the country is still standing.

“Because, let’s face it, the whole place is in grave danger of going tits up any day now.”

Warehouse worker Steve Walsh, from Woodbridge in Suffolk, said he could only afford to take two days off this Christmas, and hopes the current uncertainty means he still has a job to return to.

He added: “But it fills me with Christmas cheer knowing our local MPs have managed to find time for more than two weeks off.

“At least we all know Parliament will still be there for them when they go back.”

A spokesman for all MPs said: “Look, we haven’t had our finest hour recently, but all those late nights enjoying subsidised booze in the Commons bars takes its toll, so we need a break.

“But don’t worry, this whole Brexit mess will still be there when we get back.”

Rock band Foreigner still doesn’t know what love is

The Editor
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Rock band Foreigner still doesn’t know what love is
Love? It’s foreign to me

The rock group Foreigner still has absolutely no idea what love is, it has emerged.

More than 30 years after imploring to the world: “I want you to show me”, the British-American band is still none the wiser.

The group had hoped it would soon find an answer after releasing I Want to Know What Love Is as a single late in 1984.

Hopes were high after it became a smash hit, knocking Band Aid’s Do They Know It’s Christmas? off the top of the charts to become the UK number one for several weeks.

It also topped the US charts, replacing Madonna’s Like a Virgin.

But despite the huge publicity around the song, nobody has actually told the long-haired musicians what love is.

Foreigner’s biographer Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It’s lead singer Lou Gramm’s biggest regret.

“He’s had to go through life still trying to work out what love is.

“You’d think with all the fame and fortune they amassed from the song that someone would have told him.”

When approached by the Suffolk Gazette for a comment, singer Gramm, now 68, said: “I gotta take a little time. A little time to think things over.”

Ipswich nativity scene captures the spirit of Christmas

The Editor
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Ipswich nativity scene captures the spirit of Christmas

A delightful Ipswich nativity scene is melting the hearts of the nation, serving as a reminder in troubled times that Britain has so much to offer.

Set in a cosy-looking bus stop, the nativity shows three wise chavs presenting gifts of booze, a stolen electrical item and a mystery box – presumed to contain crack cocaine – to baby Jesus in his buggy.

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Mum Mary has a fag on, but seems delighted by the men’s gesture. It is believed they are being so generous because any one of them could be the father.

Meanwhile, Joseph looks on with keen interest, sitting underneath a photograph of himself that was put up by the friendly folk at the local constabulary.

The happy family’s pet pit bull is shown sitting patiently, just before shitting on the pavement.

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Artist Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “This touching nativity really puts Ipswich on the map.

“It’s important we all remember the true meaning of Christmas and nicking stuff while getting boozed and drugged up helps us to that perfectly.”

Do you know the identity of the “models” posing for the Ipswich nativity? If so, please tell Ipswich Police.

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French riot game to top UK Christmas toy charts

The Editor
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French riot game to top UK Christmas toy charts

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

A new game, imported directly from France, is expected to take British shops by storm this Christmas.

The Build Your Own Riot game promises thrills and spills as you place your very own rioters around the streets and attempt to overthrow the Government.

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For ages five years and up, the game is perfectly timed to top the Christmas toys list, and begin a revolution as Britain is split in two over Brexit.

Suffolk importer Lorraine Fisher, 34, spotted the popularity of the riot kit during a recent trip to Paris and knew it could be a best seller back in the UK.

“The French love it,” she said. “They currently spend every weekend creating their own riots.

“The mood in Britain is now perfect. It’s much more fun than Monopoly, although that normally ends in tears as well.”

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Suffolk police are keeping a beady eye on the game, which may have a UK adaptation with its own Tommy Robinson figure.

“To make it more acceptable to the British audience there will be a Tommy Robinson figure and an opposing Owen Jones figure, which is waving a copy of The Guardian, for everyone to play with,” explained Ms Fisher.

“There is hours of fun to be had.”

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People of all ages will have fun placing their rioters and then jumping for joy as they take on the police in heated battle. Marvel at the petrol bombs and cover your face as the cops return fire with tear gas.

Already five thousand advance orders of the game have been placed in toy shops around Britain.

Terrifying Black Shuck devil dog reappears in Ipswich

The Editor
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Terrifying Black Shuck devil dog reappears in Ipswich

This exclusive, extraordinary footage reveals the legendary Black Shuck devil dog, which terrorised East Anglia in the 16th-century, has reappeared in Ipswich.

The seven-foot ghost animal, with terrifying flaming red eyes, has been seen several times this week in the town’s Christchurch Park and has now been caught on film for the first time.

Experts say it has likely been attracted by the scent of blood from the new guillotines at the nearby Cornhill.

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Hell-hound Black Shuck can tear a human to shreds in seconds with its savage claws and huge razor-sharp teeth.

Now, families are being warned to keep an eye on their children while out and about in Christchurch Park.

“Perhaps it is wise to keep them close. It might also be sensible to keep your own dogs on a lead because Black Shuck will make light work of them,” said Ipswich council parks official Lorraine Fisher, 34.

There were complaints when the guillotines were built in Ipswich town centre that they were unsightly.

Guillotine Ipswich

But no-one predicted the smell of blood from local beheaded criminals would re-awaken Black Shuck.

The huge animal makes a terrifying howl but you can not hear it running towards you. And by then it’s too late.

It famously killed churchgoers in the Holy Trinity church in Blythburgh during a fierce storm in 1577. Its claw marks are still visible on the church door.

More hapless Christians were torn to shreds in Bungay, and Black Shuck is now incorporated in the town’s crest.

Black shuck suffolk

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Anyone spotting Black Shuck is advised to stand as still as possible. There is only one foolproof defence method known to man – and that’s to hold up a photograph of Norwich City owner Delia Smith.

Doing so will send the 14-stone blood-curdling beast (Black Shuck, not Delia) running for cover.

Meanwhile, Ipswich parks department has brought in a team of big-game hunters to track down the dog and kill it before it runs amok.

Our exclusive video shows a sighting of Black Shuck running across the front of the Christchurch Park mansion.

“It was a terrifying moment,” said one local dog walker. “There was an ear-splitting howl and a foul smell. I thought at first it was my wife, but then everything else in the park went eerily quiet.

“I got my phone out and managed to get this video of Black Shuck, which looked like it was after a squirrel.

“The hell-hound is obviously driven to a frenzy by the heads and blood of the local criminals executed on the Cornhill guillotines.”

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Sprout shortage set to ruin Christmas

The Editor
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Sprout shortage set to ruin Christmas

sprout shortage

By Ivor Traktor, Farming Correspondent (intern)

As if Britain hasn’t had a bad news this year already, it’s emerged there will be a shortage of sprouts this Christmas.

Everyone’s favourite festive vegetable will be missing from many Christmas Day dinners.

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The drought-like conditions across the country in the summer made for virtually impossible planting and growing conditions for the tasty green treats.

Now supermarkets are bracing themselves for shortages ahead of the traditional Yuletide rush to stock up for the holidays.

Retail bosses fear there could be near rioting in the aisles as shoppers push and shove to grab whatever meagre sprout rations are put on the shelves.

National Sprout Federation chairperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, warned: “It’s been a terrible time for the sprout crop.

“We’re predicting outages across Britain, bringing misery to most Christmas meal celebrations.

“The summer heatwave, while pleasant enough at the time, has meant most sprouts will not grow in time for the winter harvest.

“You’ll have to have peas with your turkey this year.”

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However, the sprout shortage news was met with joy by Britain’s children.

Steve Walshe, aged seven, from Woodbridge, said: “It’s the worst part of Christmas. Sprouts make me sick yet I am forced to eat one or I can’t have Christmas Pudding.”

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Kevin the Carrot leading gay double life shocker

The Editor
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Kevin the Carrot leading gay double life shocker
Kevin the carrot is secretly gay

Superstar Kevin the Carrot, whose showbiz career was launched by Aldi Christmas TV ads, is leading a double life, The Suffolk Gazette on Sunday can reveal.

Fan hysteria has hit Aldi stores where Kevin makes regular appearances. Shoppers can’t wait to get their hands on him.

He shot to fame when Aldi did a spoof of the famous Christmas Coca-Cola truck hurtling into town.

Kevin was driving and ended up with the giant truck hanging off a cliff. But he and wife Katie were saved for Christmas.

But on Friday night, Kevin, father of three, was seen sneaking out the back entrance of Aldi in Ipswich – with Colin the Courgette.

They were both literally legless and holding on to each other. An eye-witness saw them lurch over to a group of men dressed like The Village People who were heading off to a Pride Rally at a nearby nightclub.

Kevin the Carrot

In the early hours, a Suffolk Gazette investigative reporter and a paparazzi snapper confronted Kevin the Carrot and Colin to get to the root of the story.

Fans had no idea that their married idol had been leading a life underground.

Kevin admitted: “I’m so ashamed for cheating on my wife, Katie. She will be boiling mad. Carrots often lead mucky lives but they try to keep it from the public.

“Actually, I’m glad it’s out. I’ve been blackmailed by wicked Pascal the Parsnip.”

Katie said: “Now That Kevin’s admitted it I will try to make our marriage grate again.

Colin the Courgette confessed: “It was all my fault, man. I groomed Kevin and thought we could have a simmering affair. I was wrong and will back off now he’s given me the chop.”

Ipswich Vegetable Liaison Officer Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “In enlightened times there is nothing wrong with being gay.

“But people will be shocked that Kev has come out of the kitchen closet because he has made a fortune by building his image as a family man.

“Poor Katie has enough on her plate as it is.”

Cheeky mugs to buy

Here are some Suffolk Gazette mugs you should buy…

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