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France on alert for tide of British refugees risking lives to cross Channel

The Editor
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France on alert for tide of British refugees risking lives to cross Channel

French authorities are increasingly concerned about the thousands of Brits fleeing the UK for the safety of Europe.

The number of refugees trying to escape the madness of British rule has reached epidemic proportions in recent days.

Desperate men, women and children are dicing with death by heading across the English Channel on any floating device they can find.

Often, they make the perilous journey on nothing more than a raft put together from barrels and wood.

They have started arriving on beaches across Northern France, and now the French coastguard has been forced to increase patrols.

The numbers seeking a new life in Europe reached epic levels yesterday.

French humanitarian worker Madame Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “These poor people are desperate. Their country is unstable, dangerous and there is about to be an economic disaster.”

The madness of UK life became apparent this week when Parliament voted overwhelmingly against the Government’s key Brexit policy. The next day, it confounded logic by voting it had overwhelming confidence in the Government.

Refugee Darren Knight, 27, from Suffolk landed in France last night aboard a raft made from a bathtub.

“I shall be seeking immediate asylum status here in France where it is safe,” he said.

Cracking Suffolk Gazette eggs photo to beat world record

The Editor
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Cracking Suffolk Gazette eggs photo to beat world record
No yolk: eggs are a serious matter

EGGSLUSIVE, by The Editor

After a picture of an egg became the most liked photo on Instagram, we’ve gone one better with two eggs on a plane.

The Suffolk Gazette editor had eggs on a recent flight from the Isle of Man to London.

The polished domes were framed perfectly after he scrambled to take the picture, above.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, the Suffolk Gazette’s PR officer, said: “If this image does not go viral, then I will be surprised.

“Please contact the Suffolk Gazette offices for permission to reproduce the photograph. In the meantime, share this post on all your social media channels and egg on your friends to do the same.

“The Gazette deserves to beat this egg nonsense on Instagram, where the image got 23 million likes.”

The eggs on a plane belonged to mystery travelers on the short flight from Douglas on the Isle of Man to London.

The editor had whisked over to the tax haven to discuss how to invest the millions he makes from the Suffolk Gazette every year.

Mysterious outer space signals were from Radio Norfolk

The Editor
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Mysterious outer space signals were from Radio Norfolk

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

The mysterious radio signals from a distant galaxy last week were actually from Radio Norfolk, it has emerged.

Boffins in Canada made headlines around the world by revealing they had picked up extraordinary repeat signals from 1.5 billion light years away.

But further investigations reveal the CHIME observatory in British Columbia had discovered something far more remote.

Local astrophysicist, Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “This is a remarkable discovery, proving there is life in Norfolk.

“It seems we are not alone, after all.”

Scientists had been working around the clock to untangle the meaning of the mysterious radio signals, which came through in short, repeated bursts.

Now, after bringing in experts from London, they have identified them as repeats of Bubba Spuckler’s Night Time Banjo music sessions.

“We’re all amazed,” continued Ms Fisher. “However, it’s a bit of a stretch to suggest we found signs of intelligent life in Norfolk.”

Special branch hunt perv tree surgeon

The Editor
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Special branch hunt perv tree surgeon
Morning wood…

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

A twisted pervert who leaves x-rated trees in suggestive poses is being hunted by cops.

Special branch detectives were called in to trace the rogue tree surgeon but insiders say they are stumped.

Suffolk Police insider Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “They had a lead but were barking up the wrong tree.

“These suggestive carvings have been left outside a library, an old folks home and the county council headquarters.

“Some people have been shocked, although others find them amusing.”

Anyone with information about the perv with the saw is urged to contact Crimestoppers.

If you want more urgent Suffolk Police stories, check out this Suffolk Police stories link.

Burton Albion confident they’ll turn it around in the second leg

The Editor
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Burton Albion confident they’ll turn it around in the second leg

Cup minnows Burton are confident they’ll overcome a 0-9 deficit to giants Manchester City in the second leg of their League Cup semi-final.

The League 1 side were thrashed at the Etihad Stadium last night. Up 4-0 at half-time, City went on to score another five in the second half romp.

But Burton fans feel they have a “great chance” of scoring at least ten without reply when the Premier League champions travel for the return leg later this month.

Supporter Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “That’s the thing with semi-finals played over two legs. You never know what’s going to happen.

“Plenty of teams have lost the first leg away, only to win the second home leg and go through to the final.

“All plucky little Burton need to do is score ten goals in 90 minutes against a Manchester City team that has only let in 17 league goals all season.

“It won’t be easy, but we’re confident of causing an upset.”

The replay will be at the Pirelli Stadium, where the capacity is just 6,900.

There is no suggestion that Pirelli sponsored Burton because the players were “worn out” and had skid marks in their shorts.

Seaborne Freight trials first ferry crossing from Ramsgate

The Editor
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Seaborne Freight trials first ferry crossing from Ramsgate
World's smallest container ship

Under-fire Seaborne Freight has launched its first sea trials ahead of easing Britain’s transport crisis in the event of a no deal Brexit.

The company, which won a £13.8 million Government contract from Chris Grayling, despite having no ships, ports or even a website, has moved quickly to prove it is ready for business.

The nation’s media was invited to the Port of Ramsgate in Kent today to view the first container being put on Seaborne Freight’s flagship ferry.

At 1pm the shipment left Kent en route to Ostend in Belgium, where it was expect by sometime next week, if the wind is in the right direction.

The sturdy wooden vessel should not sink given the better weather conditions expected from March.

Seaborne Freight was controversially awarded the contract after fears grew that the M20 could get overwhelmed by lorries unable to move swiftly through Dover after Brexit.

The idea was to divert some of that traffic to the new service from Ramsgate.

Seaborne Freight bosses have moved to show they are more than ready with their new £13 million.

Insider Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Today’s departure of one container on our bespoke cross-channel vessel shows how prepared we are.”

She added: “We expect to have another boat like this before Britain tumbles out of the EU in March, so really everyone needs to calm down. We’ve got it all under control.”

China discovers Dark Side of the Moon

The Editor
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China discovers Dark Side of the Moon

By Roger Waters, Space Correspondent

China today shocked the world by revealing its latest lunar explorer spacecraft had discovered an old Pink Floyd album.

The extraordinary news means the Chinese have finally caught up with quirky British prog rock tastes from 1973.

The Chang’e 4 spacecraft touched down on Thursday morning Beijing time, official China Central Television reported.

Moments later, the first sounds of the Dark Side of the Moon album were beamed back to boffins at the Chinese Space Agency. First Breathe, then Great Gig in the Sky, followed by Money.

British space expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “The Chinese couldn’t believe what they were hearing.

“Under a strict regime of state censorship, they had never heard of Pink Floyd before, let alone the Dark Side of the Moon album.

“The country has now taken prog rock to its heart and assumes all western songs must be at least 13 minutes long.”

The album is one of the biggest selling albums of all time, enjoyed by generations of men in their bedrooms when they’ve got nothing better to do.

The mission heralds China’s plan to become a global superpower in space exploration.

It is already planning a new mission to Mars, where it hopes to prove if the rumours of the existence of a David Bowie hit single are true.

You won’t believe this new Norfolk pub meal called a ploughman’s lunch

The Editor
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You won’t believe this new Norfolk pub meal called a ploughman’s lunch

ploughmans lunch


By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Norfolk pubs have discovered a newfangled culinary delicacy called a ploughman’s lunch.

They hope the futuristic food will transform profits by enticing locals to eat in their pubs rather than just drinking ale.

The gourmet meal is considered super difficult to prepare and some landlords are worried the modern cuisine will put customers off.

Pub-goers in Norfolk have been content with munching pickled eggs for years, but food writers have observed some forward-thinking establishments have been dishing up oxtail soup to the more adventurous.

Now the ploughman’s lunch is set to revolutionise the Norfolk pub food scene – so long as punters are willing to accept it.

A ploughman’s takes all the skill of a Norfolk kitchen hand to prepare and many will need retraining.

It is made of two slices of bread, a bit of stale cheddar cheese, some random wilted greenery (including cucumber if it’s in season) and if selected from the a la carte menu, a pickle.

Bubba Spuckler, chairman of the Norfolk Licensed Victuallers Association, said: “We like to consider ourselves as pioneers in the hospitality business.

“And I’m delighted Norfolk is first with this new pub food delicacy. It’s fine dining at its best.

“Just you see – pubs up and down the country will be scrambling to catch up with us now.”

It is believed the meal was called ploughman’s lunch after one Norfolk landlord stole a packed lunch from a passing farmhand. He was so impressed with the contents that he decided to replicate it in his kitchen, where he also has some funny mugs.

Pub-goer Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “I can’t see it catching on.”

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