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Ipswich Town above Norwich City in the league

The Editor
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Ipswich Town above Norwich City in the league

By Our Football Staff

Ipswich Town are already above East Anglian rivals Norwich City in the league, the Suffolk Gazette can confirm.

The Tractor boys sit in a respectable 13th position, a full three places above the struggling Canaries.

What makes Town’s start to the season even more impressive is that Norwich, who were relegated from the Premiership last season, have kept most of their Fancy Dan squad together while Ipswich continues to operate on a shoestring.

You can see the full early-season table below. The league may be tight, but they do say the table never lies. It is surprising, however, to see Barnsley doing so well.

A football expert said: “Norwich fans assumed they would run away with the Championship this season, but it turns out Ipswich are above them already. This is Ipswich’s 17th consecutive season in this division, so they have been a model of consistency.

“Ipswich fans are delighted by this, and point out that promotion or relegation is far too stressful anyway.”

Meanwhile, Norwich owner Delia Smith is desperate for the club to get back to the Premiership before it faces financial ruin.

East Anglian rivals Ipswich and Norwich to merge

The Editor
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East Anglian rivals Ipswich and Norwich to merge

ITFC ground

By Our Football Staff

Fierce East Anglian rivals Ipswich Town and Norwich City are in shock talks to merge and form a new giant of English football.

Ipswich’s secretive owner Marcus Evans and Norwich supremo Delia Smith have ratified the plans.

And the Suffolk Gazette can reveal that Norwich chairman Ed Balls has agreed to Town’s clever suggestion of a fair compromise over the new super-sized club’s name.

They will take the ‘wich’ from Norwich, and the ‘Ips’ from Ipswich to create a brand new team called ‘Ipswich’.

And Mr Balls has also agreed the new team should play at the bigger stadium, meaning it will be based in Ipswich, which has a 30,300 capacity and a substantial trophy cabinet.

A spokesman for Norwich said: “We’d like to thank our friends in Ipswich for working with us on this deal, which makes financial sense because we will also merge finances, therefore wiping out the huge debt currently facing Ipswich Town. I am sure our supporters will be delighted.”

But Canary fan Bubba Spuckler, who is a season ticket holder at Carrow Road with his sister and their eight children, said: “Hang on a minute – Ed Balls seems to have agreed to Norwich City being wiped off the face of the earth, and Ipswich remaining but now with no debt. That can’t be right?”

Ipswich fans were more buoyant. Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It will finally confirm that Ipswich is the only club in East Anglia worth bothering about. However, I will miss the derby matches against Norwich.”

The two sides play each other in the Championship at Portman Road in September, a game that could now end up being the last ever between the two clubs.

Woman who got pregnant in McDonalds given free food for life

The Editor
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Woman who got pregnant in McDonalds given free food for life

A woman who got pregnant romping in a McDonalds restaurant has now given birth and been offered free Big Macs for life.

Staff were delighted when she named her new-born son Ronald after the fast-food chain’s cheery clown mascot.

Managers were initially furious after spotting the amorous 27-year-old woman on CCTV cavorting with a mystery man under a table in a corner of the restaurant.

They identified her next time she came in for a Big Tasty, but agreed not to prosecute after hearing she had fallen pregnant.

Now little Ronald has been born, weighing a bouncing eight pounds, 32 times heavier than a traditional quarter pounder.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, who works at the McDonalds restaurant in the Ipswich area, said: “We’ve offered her and Ronald free food for life.

“To think he was no more than a twinkle in his mother’s eye as she tucked into a Sausage & Egg McMuffin one minute, and the rest is history.

“The boss wanted to prosecute when he saw the CCTV footage of her encounter.

“Her face was put up above McFlurry dispenser and when she next came in three months later, he tackled her about her behaviour.

“But then she revealed she was then pregnant. After promising she could only have conceived in the restaurant, the boss decided to make a positive out of it.

“So she has been told she and little Ronald can eat for free whenever they want.”

It is believed the restaurant is preparing to stage a publicity launch to show the mum and Ronald off to the world’s media.

PR expert Steve Walshe said: “Everyone loves a restaurant visit with a happy ending.”

Disturbing questions asked as cyclist without asthma wins Tour de France

The Editor
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Disturbing questions asked as cyclist without asthma wins Tour de France

Geraint Thomas

By Bernie Legg, Cycling Correspondent

Tough questions are being asked after a professional cyclist who does not suffer from asthma was still able to win this year’s Tour de France.

Geraint Thomas won the world’s most grueling cycling event despite being entirely healthy.

Critics want to know how the Team Sky member could possibly have done so well without having at least one asthma attack while pedaling up an Alp.

Cycling expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It’s well-known you must have asthma in order to do well at this event.

“Previous winners Chris Froome and Bradley Wiggins were classic sufferers from ill-health and were adept at taking entirely legal drugs to help them along.

“Thomas’ victory raises serious questions about how he could have done so without being hampered by wheezing or sneezing attacks.”

Cycling fans say an athlete winning such a high-profile event using talent alone could bring the sport into serious disrepute.

Steve Walshe, 38, from Woodbridge in Suffolk said: “His victory will always be tainted by rumours that he was clean. It’s a disgrace.”

Thomas is the first Welsh man or woman to win the Tour de France.

Cordless garden hose is best seller during heatwave

The Editor
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Cordless garden hose is best seller during heatwave

Cordless hose

A Suffolk company is set to make millions of pounds after inventing the world’s first cordless garden hose.

The clever device ensures gardeners can water any sized garden, even during the current heatwave, because the nozzle can be taken anywhere without the use of a hosepipe.

HoseAway ingeniously runs via wireless internet technology, which means there is no need to lug the traditional rubber hose around the garden.

And another key benefit is not having to spend ages carefully rolling the hose back up afterwards.

Householders can even save money because there is now no need for them to install an expensive outside tap.

Costing just £19.99, HoseAway has already been featured at the Chelsea Flower Show and on the BBC’s popular Gardeners’ World programme.

The device is made by Framlingham-based Gareth Lewis Waterworks Inc and is the result of years of development.

Managing Director Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “HoseAway uses the latest wireless technology, cleverly allowing anyone to water their garden without the need for a heavy hose.

“No longer will gardeners be restricted by the length of their hosepipe, or by the irritation of getting kinks in hoses which result in poor performance.

“We have had lots of interest from home and abroad, and the device is already our best-selling product thanks to the services of our trusted website content writer.”

HoseAway is shortlisted for industry awards and is available in all good garden centres and stockists.

Norbert Bush, the widower of the late Anita Bush, the Suffolk Gazette’s famous gardening writer, said: “The company kindly posted us a HoseAway to test before Anita died. She used it as a portable shower when her shrubbery began wilting.”

The HoseAway is the second major invention to come out of Suffolk in recent years. The Suffolk Gazette also reported on the brilliant new telephone that was hard to break and impossible to lose.

And now a fuel-free BBQ that operates by WiFi has been invented in Suffolk.

Phone app that chills your face takes heatwave Britain by storm

The Editor
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Phone app that chills your face takes heatwave Britain by storm

Thousands of Brits are beating the heatwave with a brilliant new phone app that cools down your face.

The app, which was developed in Suffolk, is taking the country by storm during record-breaking temperatures.

When activated, the app chills your iPhone screen until it’s nearly frozen.

When you then press it against your face, you get instant relief from the heat. It’s like holding a block of ice to your skin!

The £2.99 Cool Face Time app is perfect for hot stuffy offices, and works perfectly on all mobile phones.

And when you’re sweltering while commuting on the train, simply activate the app and press the phone to your cheeks!

Inventor Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Ipswich, said the app had been downloaded 50,000 times since Monday alone.

“It’s really taken off,” she said. “It’s perfect for beating these heatwave conditions when you’re stuck in the office or out and about.”

She claims the app can be used continuously for three hours before your telephone would need recharging.

The only real disadvantage is that you can’t talk on the phone while using Cool Face Time, unless you put it on loud-speaker, which might be inconvenient or annoying to fellow office workers and commuters.

Hot and bothered office worker Steve Walshe, 38, is pictured using the brilliant new app.

“It’s so simple,” he said. “I have no idea why nobody thought of this before.

“Not for the first time, I’m the coolest person in the office.”

Norfolk woman wins Tour de France Stage 16

The Editor
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Norfolk woman wins Tour de France Stage 16

Norfolk woman Tour de France

By Bernie Legg, Cycling Correspondent

A woman from Norfolk was the surprise winner of today’s tough stage of the Tour de France.

Marlene Spuckler, 24, from Downham Market, crossed the line ahead of Team Sky’s Chris Frome and Geraint Thomas, who currently holds the yellow jersey.

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Organisers are hoping Ms Spuckler, who only took up cycling last week, does not continue her form and take the overall race lead – because they haven’t got a yellow jersey big enough.

She surprised everyone by taking today’s hotly-contested stage.

Representing Team Bernard Matthews, her equipment is not as advanced as the other racers.

Certainly her bike does not seem quite as aerodynamic, and does not appear to be made of feather light carbon parts.

Bicycle expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Marlene Spuckler’s stage win is the surprise of the Tour de France so far.

“It’s a victory for women, and it’s certainly a victory for everyone in Norfolk.

“No longer can anyone call it a sporting backwater.”

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Other participants were delighted to ride behind Spuckler for more than 100 miles.

One said: “The drafting was superb. I was being carried along by her slipstream and didn’t really have to pedal all day.”

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Police looking for hardened criminals

The Editor
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Police looking for hardened criminals

Hardened criminals

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Police investigating the theft of a concrete mixer lorry say they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

Officers were called to a concrete-making yard at Bramford, near Ipswich, after reports that a £120,000 lorry had been stolen.

Criminals evaded tight security and guard dogs before driving off with the vehicle, which contained 18,000 kilograms of concrete.

Police spokeswoman Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “They knew exactly what they were looking for.

“They’re hardcore.”

She added that police were appealing for information to help catch the gang because they were bound to strike again.

“This sort of thing will not be an isolated incident. They are clearly set in their ways.

“We’re appealing for witnesses because we have nothing concrete to go on.”

The news comes after a brave cop who caught a lorry load of stolen paint was decorated.

He celebrated by getting plastered with his mates.

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