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Donald Trump disinfectant injection idea shocks Norfolk

The Editor
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Donald Trump disinfectant injection idea shocks Norfolk
Norfolk people urged to wash
Norfolk people usually wash just once a year

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

The residents of Norfolk were astonished by President Trump’s COVID-19 Dettol or bleach solution – because they had never heard of disinfectant before.

Mr Trump’s revelations have opened a whole new world of cleanliness and personal hygiene for Norfolk residents.

Traditionally, folk’s from the rural East Anglian backwater take just one community shower each year, at a Norfolk Day festival.

But now they have found out there is something called disinfectant, their hygiene options have taken a massive step forward.

Director of East Anglian Public Health Dr Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “The President’s comments about injecting disinfectant were ridiculous.

“But the positive is that people in Norfolk have now heard of disinfectant.

“We will be busy educating them about the benefits of Dettol and bleach.

“This will go a long way to bringing their hovels up to modern day cleanliness expectations.”

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President Trump: I have been drinking Dettol for years

The Editor
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President Trump: I have been drinking Dettol for years
President Trump

President Trump has reassured Americans that injecting themselves with a disinfectant is a perfectly safe way to combat COVID-19.

Indeed, he confirmed he had been drinking neat Dettol for the past 40 years – and it hadn’t apparently done him any harm.

The President told an astonished press conference yesterday that perhaps injecting disinfectant was a great way to “clean the lungs” and rid the body of the coronavirus.

He told perplexed aids afterwards: “I’ve been drinking three bottles of Dettol a day for years. Believe me. It’s why I look so great. Really great.

“Bleach, I drink that too. Got white teeth, best white teeth in the world. People are saying, ‘How does Donald get such brilliant white teeth’. They tell me I look great.

“It’s now up to the Governors to start detergent injection programs. They asked for them, I provided them. More than any other country. The biggest Dettol injection program in history. No-one’s ever done it before, believe me.”

Doctors were quick to urge dumb Trump supporters not to start injecting themselves with anything, let alone disinfectant.

Dr Lorraine Fisher, 34, explained: “Donald Trump is living proof that doing so will make your hair go weird, your skin go orange and turn you into a gibbering moron.”

Don’t inject Dettol, it’s a mug’s game

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Harry and Meghan refuse to cut ties with the Suffolk Gazette

The Editor
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Harry and Meghan refuse to cut ties with the Suffolk Gazette

By The Editor

For more than 124 years, the Suffolk Gazette has been an online newspaper of record, beloved and respected by kings, queens and common people.

As a trusted truth-seeker, we have watched aghast as certain periodicals played fast and loose with the facts while covering the Duke and Duchess of Sussex.

It was no surprise when Harry and Meghan announced this week that they were cutting all cooperation with Britain’s tabloid press.

But we here, from our palatial offices in East Anglia, were never concerned. We have only ever written the truth about the Sussex newly-weds.

It was no coincidence that the Royal pair will continue their cooperation with your favourite newspaper.

Harry’s press attache Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Both Harry and Meghan have always admired the Suffolk Gazette’s high standards.

“We are hoping to invite the Editor to Los Angeles shortly to give him an exclusive interview.”

Editor to Take Mug With Him

The Editor reveals tonight he will take a topical mug as a belated wedding gift for Harry and Meghan. The mugs are produced by our exclusive partner, DirtyOldGoat.com (which has nothing to do with Camilla).

Waitrose takes advantage of social distancing to ban common people

The Editor
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Waitrose takes advantage of social distancing to ban common people
Waitrose

Upmarket supermarket Waitrose has taken social distancing to a whole new level – by banning all the working classes from its premises.

The new rules, which came into force this week, ensure that common people are kept well apart from the nice middle-classes shoppers.

Waitrose spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “We wish our shoppers to feel like they are king or queen of the store when they visit.

“They should be able to park the Audi or Volvo and walk around without the prospect of coming into any sort of contact with the great unwashed.

“The coronavirus social distancing requirements have given us the perfect cover to do what we always wanted – ban the oiks.”

Waitrose security staff will now man the doors carrying out working class detector tests, involving studying visitors clothing brands and checking how they smell.

But common person Steve Walshe hit back.

“The can stick their artichoke hearts where the sun don’t shine,” he said.

Buy a mug online, no social distancing required

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Top tips on how to keep up with all things Royal: news and more

The Editor
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Top tips on how to keep up with all things Royal: news and more

If you love finding out about the royal family and everything about all the royals past and present then, there are many ways that you can do this. For example, you can read some information watch TV and use many other methods.

In this article, we will discuss some top tips on how you can keep up with all things royal. If this is something that you would like to do then keep reading to find out more.

Watch the News

One of the best ways that you can keep up with all things royal is by making sure that you watch the news. This is because when you watch the news, you will be able to find out all the latest news and information about the royals and what they are doing. News channels are always updating the public on royal activities, so you’ll be sure to find out some information there. The information on the news is always up to date and broadcasted as soon as the information is received so you can also read it online before it comes on TV.

Do Your Research

One of the other ways that you can keep up with all things royal is by making sure that you do your research. This is because when you do your research you will be able to find out a lot of information about the royals both in the past and present. There is a lot of information online where you can find out about royals from the past or present which can help you get a better understanding of history and what is going on now.

Play Games

The next way that you can keep up with all things royal is by making sure that you consider playing games based on royals. There are many different games that you can play which are based on royals such as online games including slot games and more. If you would like to play casino games based on royals then, make sure you consider playing casino games by visiting casino UK and choose a royal-themed game that suits you. At this site, there are plenty of games for you to play so, make sure you head over and take a look at the different ones you can choose from and play.

Read Articles

Another way that you can keep up with all things royal is by making sure that you read over articles and, this is because there are plenty online that you can choose from. As well as reading articles online, you can also consider reading articles from the newspapers so you can find out all the information that has been published by journalists that specialise in this kind of topic.

Watch Documentaries

Have you ever watched one of the many documentaries that focus on the royal family? This is something to try if not because when you watch documentaries you will be able to find out factual information that is relevant and interesting. There are a lot of different documentaries based on the royals so, you will be able to find out one that you are interested in watching.

Visit the Museum

Another way that you can keep up with all things royal is by making sure you visit different museums. When you visit the museum you will be able to see and read about different pieces of information about royals from the past. For example, when you visit the museum you will be able to see pieces of clothing from different royals as well as crowns, jewels and many other interesting objects that were used by royals.

Keep This Information in Mind

Overall, there are a lot of ways that you can keep up with all things royal including by watching documentaries and reading the new every day. Make sure you read the information in this article and use it as a guide to help you keep up with all things royal. Soon, you’ll know everything there is to know about this family.

Kim Jong Un shock as grossly obese chain smoker falls ill

The Editor
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Kim Jong Un shock as grossly obese chain smoker falls ill
Kim Jong Un heart surgery
What a drag: Kim Jong Un smoking

There was widespread surprise today over claims a morbidly obese, stressed chain smoker had fallen gravely ill.

Normally super fit, it is unclear what may have caused the North Korean dictator to be under the weather.

Some suggest he has had heart surgery that went wrong, and he is now in a critical condition.

If that is true, his heart surgeon will be unavailable to comment for some time.

But South Korea says it is impossible to verify the claims, and experts this newspaper has spoken to indicate Mr Jong Un is fit and healthy.

Heart surgeon Lorraine Fisher, 34, of Ipswich Hospital, explained: “We have seen from many images that Kim Jong Un is fit and healthy, like most 36-year-olds.

“The fact he likes the occasional pie, pint and cigarette should not deflect from the fact he is a fine specimen of a man.

“No doubt he’s out jogging around his palace grounds as we speak.”

This newspaper is particularly fond of the North Korean leader, who raised eyebrows when he purchased a holiday caravan on the Suffolk coast.

Is North Korea mugging us off?

Who can tell? But you can get your very own exclusive mug from Dirty Old Goat, our very own mug empire. Here are some current goodies:

Ban on credit cards: how it can influence slots players

The Editor
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Ban on credit cards: how it can influence slots players

With the recent ban on credit cards set to come into play as of 14th April, some players of online casino games have been finding this a somewhat frustrating change to the payment methods from free slot sites. But there are some very good and valid reasons as to why it was decided that credit cards needed to be banned.

There was a momentary dip in the gambling shares but they soon started appreciating more again and gained back the two per cent they had lost since the decision was made for credit cards to be banned. But who is affected by this decision and why has this decision been made? 

The impact of banning credit cards

With only a few short weeks to go until the credit card ban occurs, many people have begun to query as to why this has been necessary.  But start scratching around for details and you don’t have to dig very deep to find out the real reasons. It seems that there are so many problem gamblers, supposedly the highest figures ever recorded, that the impact of gambling online, the accessibility, and the fact that using credit cards means that the money never runs out because there is absolutely no limit, has led to many wider implications.

Not only have there been huge issues with debt across the UK with many players using credit cards to increase their credit without actually having the necessary finances to be able to do so, but there have also been implications on the mental health of players who find themselves in financial difficulty.  With multiple recorded cases of online gamblers having lost everything due to the debt they have got themselves in to with credit cards, they have turned to self-harm and even suicide as they have felt that this has been their only way out. 

Another pay way

Online slots players have had to seek alternative solutions to be able to play their favourite games online.  With many people already have opted to use PayPal due to the ease, convenience and speed, this has not been too much of an inconvenience for many players.  The issue will be for the players who want to place larger bets or more frequent bets which cannot always be permitted instantly through PayPal.

Instead, players who like placing larger bets have begun to use cryptocurrency as their deposit method.  This is a relatively new payment method but one which has seen a large increase in its popularity over a short period of time.  It is instantaneous, has no limits in place and enables players to access their favourites slot games from any location in the world. 

For players who spend their time residing in countries that do not permit gambling of any form, this is an added bonus because cryptocurrency actually enables players to remain totally anonymous.  No credit or debit card is required for players opting to use this payment method and no personal information is asked for in order for an account to be verified which means that it is actually a much safer and less financially risky way to play slots games online.

Woman unsubscribes from email marketing, gets email confirming she unsubscribed

The Editor
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Woman unsubscribes from email marketing, gets email confirming she unsubscribed

A woman was surprised to receive an email just moments after unsubscribing from an email list, it has been revealed.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, was fed up with the daily email spam from a company she purchased a tin opener from in 1998.

So, she finally got around to clicking on the unsubscribe link at the bottom of the latest email to arrive this morning, advertising novelty food processors.

“Imagine my surprise and annoyance,” explained Lorraine, “when moments later an email arrived confirming I wouldn’t get any more emails.

“What’s the point in that?

“It’s like my husband saying we should get our wedding vows renewed just moments after I told him I want a divorce.”

Digital marketing expert Steve Walshe explained it was a marketing department’s way of saying: “F8ck you.”

He said: “If you finally decide you’ve had enough of their inane daily emails clogging up your inbox even though you never read them, it’s your right to unsubscribe.

“But before you leave with a smug smile on your face, they will send you one last email confirming you have unsubscribed. Just to be a tosser.”

A marketing offer you WILL want

Yes, the Suffolk Gazette works with Dirty Old Goat to send out funny mugs to a grateful nation. Here are some topical ones you can buy. You can even subscribe to emails if you wish!

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