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An Ipswich Town giant: Kevin Beattie obituary Haiku

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Kevin Beattie

It was with immense sadness that we, like every other Ipswich Town fan, and the wider sporting community, heard about the death of Kevin Beattie, aged just 64.

Here, the Suffolk Gazette’s resident obituary Haiku writer, Richard Standen, offers his unique reflection.

Final whistle blows
Kevin Beattie leaves the field
Ipswich Town applauds.

The Suffolk Gazette editor adds: “The Beat was a colossus in defence for Ipswich Town in the 1970s and early 80s. He was regarded by Sir Bobby Robson as the best player who had ever played for him.

“Had it not been for injury problems, which forced him to retire at 28 years old, Kevin Beattie would have been the England legend he so richly deserved. As it was, he won nine caps, scoring one goal.

“As a kid, I was fortunate to watch Kevin playing for Ipswich many times. We’ll never see the likes of him again.

“Rest in peace, big man.”

Kevin Beattie
Born: December 18, 1953, Carlisle
Died: September 16, 2018, Ipswich

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Suffolk cathedral launches Russian tourist campaign

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By Evan Elpuss, Religious Affairs Correspondent

St Edmundsbury Cathedral is launching a marketing campaign in Russia to cater for unprecedented interest in British places of worship.

Russians are flocking to the UK to see our “very high spires” and big clocks, and to drop in on ancient sites like Stonehenge.

The cathedral in Bury St Edmunds in Suffolk, which originates from the 11th century, is keen to cash in on the extraordinary popularity of big churches among Russian tourists.

And the strapline for the campaign highlights that it “rarely snows in Suffolk”, making tourist conditions ideal.

Two keen Russian tourists told yesterday how they went to see Salisbury Cathedral but were put off staying in the city for too long because it had snowed and there was slush on the ground.

Russians visit cathedral

Good lord: Russians love an English cathedral like St Edmundsbury
Neal Cushion, who works in the marketing department for the Bishop of St Edmundsbury and Ipswich’s office, said Russian tourists could visit the town without getting cold.

“We have a perfect climate in Suffolk. We understand our friends in Russia are used to tropical conditions, so it’s no surprise they don’t want to hang around in places like Salisbury, which is known for Arctic-like weather.

“There is a big market for pairs of burly men who look like they should be nightclub bouncers, coming to the UK, staying in a low-profile east London hotel, and visiting a cathedral before flying home the same day.

“We want to make sure we seize some of that market and show the Russian people just what St Edmundsbury Cathedral has to offer.

“We have a Norman Tower that they will find particularly interesting.”

Mr Cushion said an online marketing campaign in Russia was well underway, and that an advert had been placed in Pravda, the local newspaper.

“We’re already seeing lots of shifty men from Russia, poking around the cathedral. They are very nice people who clearly care about their appearance as they always have a bottle of perfume with them.

“They say this is opening new doors for them.”

It’s not the first time Russian visitors to Suffolk have been in the news. The Suffolk Gazette revealed recently how a Russian submarine was caught spying on Felixstowe.

Diesel jeans to be phased out over foul emissions

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Diesel jeans to be phased out

Diesel jeans are to be phased out because people wearing them give off more foul emissions.

Tests also show Diesel jeans aficionados make more noise and smoke, the Government has confirmed.

Environmentalists says men and women should trade in their jeans for a pair of electric trousers, which can be silent but deadly (especially in the rain).

However, fans say they have been stitched up by the Government.

Diesel jeans owner Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Suffolk, said: “Only a few years ago the Government was encouraging us to buy Diesel jeans because they were better for the environment.

“Now we’ve spent our money as they advised, and they’re telling us to ditch them.

“They won’t even give us a Diesel jeans scrappage scheme.”

Diesel jeans

Electric trousers are becoming increasingly common in the UK, with charging points in most town centres.

With ever more hi-tech versions coming onto the market, some owners say they can now walk two miles before having to top up.

Prime Minister Theresa May has said she wants Britain to be at the forefront of the electric trousers industry.

Boris Johnson hit by £350 million-a-week divorce bill

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Leave campaign pin-up boy Boris Johnson has been hit with an astonishing £350 million-a-week divorce settlement by his estranged wife.

After claims that he “f*cked the whole country”, wife Marina Wheeler, herself a high-flying lawyer, has nailed down a massive pay-day.

By a strange coincidence, the nosebleed figure is exactly the same as the Leave campaign claimed the UK would save, £350 million a week, by leaving the EU.

But there were suggestions in Whitehall today that the split would hit major roadblocks.

Prime Minister Theresa May is handling the couple’s break-up negotiations herself, and they might now end up tied closer together rather than divorced.

Boris Johnson divorce deal

Boris Johnson: Expensive break-up (Photo: Chatham House CC)
Political commentator Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Marina Wheeler is no mug. She has slapped a sign on the side of her car saying she’ll get £350 million a week from the break-up.

“Boris simply has nowhere to turn. He has to pay up because if it’s driven around on the side of a vehicle, it must be true.”

In other news, Jacob Rees-Mogg has said he intends to help his friend Mr Johnson find a new home.

“There’s a nice terraced house in central London that will suit him perfectly,” the upper-class politician said.

“The address?

“Number 10 Downing Street.”

Relationship counsellors said the biggest irony of the situation was that Boris Johnson had now officially joined the single market.

“He spent years campaigning against the single market, now he’s a big player in the single market,” one said.

In industry news, the first British-made car to roll off the production line after the Brexit vote has been unveiled.

Senior citizens forced out of bingo halls by hipsters

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It’s the battle of the hipsters as Suffolk’s edgiest residents have begun flocking to the bingo halls and forcing the regular clientele, many of whom have replacement hips, to take to the streets in search of alternative entertainment. Most bingo regulars believed their halls to be a haven free from the scourge of millennials but recent events have demonstrated that there is nothing that hipsters won’t ruin.

When the BBC reported on the trendiness of bingo in 2016, stating how the UK accommodated 45 million visits to bingo halls in a year, it was received as positive news for the game. Unfortunately, the growing popularity of bingo attracted the attention of the hipster crowd looking for something “retro” to do. This has shaken communities across Suffolk to their very foundations.

With younger people filling up the bingo halls, the natural order of society has been affected. To restore balance, many of these senior citizens have claimed the streets in response to losing one of their natural habitats. Many pedestrians have reported how congregations of elderly individuals in dark alleys have forced them to look for alternative routes, not because of intimidation but because their Zimmer frames take up a lot of space.

Early reports suggest that one of the hipsters did attempt to give bingo hall regulars some advice as they pushed past them on their way into the building, suggesting that elderly folk should try to load up a bingo game on their tablet instead. Unfortunately, this advice was muttered at such a low volume that it created tablet-related confusion, with those who heard fragments taking the comment as a reminder to have their medication.

But it’s not all doom and gloom. Some of the savviest bingo lovers have deployed a technique regularly used “back in their day” by actually bothering to travel somewhere rather than sitting in front of a screen. Many have been commuting to the Buzz Bingo club in Clacton-on-Sea to get their bingo fix. A large proportion of these bingo players would have been among the 100,000 tourists that used to travel to Clacton-on-Sea each week in the late 1930s, so the combined power of bingo and nostalgia is difficult to resist for this crowd.

These brave travellers will be hoping that the hipsters do not find their way to Clacton-on-Sea too. While bingo is in vogue, going out of one’s way is not yet in fashion. This should buy travellers to Clacton-on-Sea some time. Yet, if the growing success of bingo continues, it may grip the whole country. Hipsters across the nation will religiously copy what happens in places like Camden, with even The Guardian deigning to report on how a new crowd were filling the bingo halls in London. But this is not just a London problem any more.

This fervour for bingo has spread to Suffolk, and its implications could be irreversible. Bingo halls may have to start serving craft beer and using emojis rather than numbers to cater to a generation incapable of expressing genuine emotion with words. True bingo lovers will yearn for a simpler time, with elderly gangs stood outside of the local supermarket loudly reminiscing about the glory days when they won big in the bingo hall.

Wonga ‘on verge of collapse’ after accidentally lending itself £50

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wonga on brink of collapse

Payday lender Wonga is said to be “on the brink of financial collapse” after accidentally lending itself £50.

Financial experts say the business mistakenly borrowed the cash six months ago and now owes £20 million thanks to its own astronomical interest rate.

Sky News revealed the business had approached Grant Thornton to act as administrator if it became insolvent.

An urgent internal inquiry is now underway to establish why finance teams mistakenly sanctioned lending itself £50.

Industry expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It was an error in accounts as no-one at Wonga in their right mind would have used their own toe-curling loans.

“Getting a loan from Wonga at 1,509% interest rates can be ruinous, as many desperate members of the public will tell you.”

An insider at Wonga said it was ironic that the company accidentally lent money to itself and was now on the brink of collapse.

“It was only £50,” he said. “And before we knew it the debt had risen to millions.

“We started getting constant letters and phone calls from our own people demanding money back.

“It seems we may have to go under now.”

Wonga has been facing increasing financial pressure after surging compensation claims from customers.

Several years ago it was forced to slash its astonishing 5,000% interest rates to a cap of 1,509%, a rate that still meant if you borrowed £100, you’d owe £1,500 just 12 months later.

4 warning signs in an online relationship

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In an ideal world, singles could embrace online dating uk without any misgivings, engaging in friendly conversation before arranging romantic get-togethers. But life is never that simple. For all that matchmaking websites are dedicated to providing a convenient platform for singles to get to know each other, the very nature of this method of communicating can be problematic. So how can you tell if the person you are messaging is telling you the truth all the time? What are the giveaways which indicate they might be toying with your affections? In short, when it comes to identifying when your relationship might be about to implode, what are the warning signs to look for?

Trust issues
Just as in the offline world, online relationships rely on trust. When this becomes eroded, this is a clear sign all is not as it should be. In order to forge a real and genuine connection in an online environment, it is always vital for both parties to be above board at all times, giving an honest account of their feelings. But if the person you are communicating with is consistently coming out with stories which seem difficult to believe, or they repeat themselves with different variations each time, you have to read between the lines. Why are they not telling the truth? Is it because they are feeding exactly the same lines to other site users they are connecting with?

Communication lapses
Another dead giveaway is communication. Does the person you are connecting with sometimes go off-radar for a considerable period of time? It would only be natural to give them the benefit of the doubt, thinking there may be something going on in their private life, such as someone requiring hospital treatment. But another assumption it would only be natural for you to make is they are playing the field when it comes to their online connections. Perhaps they are hedging their bets, chatting up someone else before getting back to you again.

This is even more exacerbated if they are continually making excuses why they don’t want to web chat with you. What do they have to hide? Is there any possibility the version which would presents itself during a Skype call would radically differ from the profile picture they’ve been using?

Lack of images
What about that profile? Another warning sign would be if they have presented scant images. Do you really think this means they are shy? Or isn’t it more likely they just haven’t got the same intensity of feelings as yourself? After all, if you truly care about them, you would have no qualms about sending them as many pictures as they wished to see. If this is not reciprocated, it would only be natural for you to wonder why they don’t feel the same connection. If the emotions within a relationship are unbalanced, this will be even more exacerbated in an online environment.

Offline commitment
Finally, the greatest warning sign of all concerning an online relationship comes about when discussion centers on taking matters to the next level. For most people, a dating site is merely an introductory platform, somewhere to make the initial connection and get to know a potential partner before embarking on the actual face-to-face dates. But if the person is continually making excuses about not wanting to meet you, then you have to ask yourself why this might be? Would it be because they have an existing girlfriend or even wife whom they do not want you to ever find out about?

4 tips to strengthen any relationship

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Even the most apparently healthy relationships will go through ups and downs. In the early stages, whether you met through online dating site or in your local pub, couples will be experiencing the first flushes of potential love. This honeymoon period will be characterized by excitement. You’ll be finding out all about each other’s personalities and passions, and discovering activities to enjoy together.

With time, all that enthusiasm will diminish, replaced by contentment and habit. But even in any relationship where the partners have become completely comfortable with each other, complacency can have a negative impact on their happiness. Here are four tips which will guarantee any partnership remains strong.

Meet issues head on
Whenever there are disagreements or contentious issues, the worst thing you could do is simply try to hope these will sort out themselves. Whenever anything arises which has the potential to cause long-term resentment, no matter what the source of the problem might be, it is imperative these are dealt with from the outset. There is no point putting on a brave face because you don’t wish to rock the boat. This ‘head in the sand’ attitude will only lead to conflict further down the line. It’s far better to maintain an open and honest arena where any problems can be debated. Some couples go out of their way to avoid confrontation, but dealing with anything head one will actually bring you closer as a couple.

Learn how to deal with friction
It’s important to be able to put disagreements in perspective. It would be unnatural for a relationship to coast along, with neither party ever feeling the need to disagree with the other. But arguments can always be controlled if both partners are prepared to compromise and not allow the situation to spiral out of control. As a couple, you should relish healthy and vigorous debates on any subject. Even if these do become heated, they can actually be a satisfying way to let off steam. It’s healthy to have opposing viewpoints. As long as you accept there are lines which must never be crossed, and compromises which must always be reached, your relationship will be strengthened.

Keep an upbeat attitude
Another excellent tip towards maintaining the positivity in any partnership is to try and maintain an optimistic outlook at all times. It is only natural there will be incidents which arise that can provoke feelings of disappointment. But stress and trauma can be overcome by striving to remain positive. This is where one partner can be particularly supportive of their other half. No matter how despondent they might feel about something, if you can be on their side, providing support and encouragement at all times, then the old adage will prove to be true: a problem shared is a problem halved.

Accept no relationship is perfect
There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. The reason for this is quite straightforward. Relationships involve human beings and each and every one of us is flawed in some way. Being less than perfect is one of the prime characteristics which makes us human.

This can actually be a source of positivity for any couple if they accept there will be times when unpleasant characteristics come to the fore. Aspects like weakness, selfishness, greed and many others may not be that pleasant when they are exhibited. But they are nothing to get unduly concerned about when placed in this context. We are all capable of behaving to less than impeccable standards. The important thing is to accept shortcomings and to be prepared to forgive and move on.