They said it could never be done – but 81-year-old Maggie Moore has become the first person to circumnavigate Suffolk by bus.
The thrill-seeking pensioner has climbed Himalayan mountains in the past, but this year Maggie swapped K2 for the number 62 as she left herself at the mercy of public transport.
“I knew that travelling by bus in Suffolk was difficult, but I never realised it was this difficult,” said Maggie as she clambered off the number 173 to a crowd of journalists and well-wishers on her triumphant return to Felixstowe.
“Until you’ve experienced it yourself, you can never understand the extraordinary mental and physical effort it takes to get from Brandon to Eye on a Sunday.
“Climbing six thousand metres at high altitude is nothing compared with trying to figure out the timetable for the number 312.”
Maggie Moore, third left, on the Lowestoft leg of her trip
Moore’s epic trip took her on a treacherous circular route around the edge of the county, taking in the likes of Ipswich, Sudbury, Brandon and Lowestoft, before finally returning to her home town of Felixstowe on Saturday. In total, the journey took 63 days, during which time she consumed 72 flasks of tea, 253 cheese sandwiches and 20 packets of peppermint creams.
“I had to deal with a lot – loneliness, isolation, body odour. There were some dark times,” admitted Maggie. “Anybody who takes a bus in Suffolk and tells you they haven’t thought about suicide is lying.”
Maggie’s epic voyage has proved an inspiration to the people of her home town, as Felixstowe resident Lorraine Fisher, 34, admitted. “She’s a great role model. Young people in Suffolk will look up to Maggie and realise that, one day, if they work hard and are prepared to make sacrifices, they can take a bus journey too.”
But fellow resident John Mortimer, 62, was less enthusiastic. “I don’t agree with taxpayers’ money being wasted on free bus trips for adventurers. What if she had become stranded and had to be rescued?”
The story also made headlines in Essex, where reports claim Maggie’s journey has finally proved that Suffolk is round.
The British Royal Family has been rocked after revelations that the Queen is not who she claims to be. This bombshell came about following a security breach at the MI6 New Years party, where one of the senior spies reportedly forgot to close the gate.
Among the twelve tonnes of stolen material were various documents and video
footage of the woman we now know as the Queen, winning her crown from the
former Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Windsor with a pair of 8’s.
While the Royal Family has been quick to speak against these ‘malicious
untruths’, longstanding friends of the Queen have noted this development ‘makes
a lot of sense’.
Even since the end of WW2, the formerly calm and collected queen was
increasingly rambunctious. This was marked by a rapid shift of interests, such
as her recent turn towards modern online casinos.
Unbeknownst to the public, the fake Queen has enjoyed a long and successful
history of gambling, noting her recent passion at games like baccarat,
blackjack, and the roulette
table from Paddy Power, to name a few. Here she is reported to play the
days away on the variety of different tables, as she waits for the cover of
darkness to escape the palace grounds.
An unnamed insider remarked that this was one of her few
technological-driven passions, as Her Majesty has otherwise turned to more
mechanical thrills.
Retired Butler of the Queen, Geoffrey Duncedom, now breaking his silence, has reported that she spent a long stint as one of London’s premier illegal street drift racers, operating under the name Burnout Betty.
Still, it is her propensity for victorious gambling which has made the fake
Queen a legend within the whispers of Windsor’s hallowed halls. While not
verified, there are reports that, due to her prowess, England technically owns
twelve US states, half of Denmark, the
Loch Ness Monster (should it exist), and whatever is found at the bottom of
the Baltic Sea.
While we have our team rapidly searching over the collection of data
collected from the MI6 leak, questions remain as to what happened to the old
Queen.
We did manage to track down a woman in Newmarket who fit the profile, but
the woman assured us all that she was devoid of royal blood. She also remarked
that were she to bet her entire life on a hand of poker, she would not have
done so unless she really wanted to lose.
As it now stands, indications are that the current Queen is becoming increasingly
cavalier in her attitude towards expressing her interests and passions.
Having asked for a top of the line computer to play her online casino games,
many of her advisors are warning against playing into public fears about her
true identity.
Bold reporters even managed to invade the recent
knighting of Sir Sam Mendes, interrupting her directly to shout that they
had proof of the Queens royal façade. Escorted out, they were last heard
screaming that she ‘wouldn’t get away with this’.
In response, the Queen only offered her wry smile, and the words: “Do you wanna bet?”.
Whitehouse ahead: Prince Harry and Meghan (Photo: Mark Jones, CC 2.0)
By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor
Prince Harry has sensationally quit the Royal Family so he can run for President of the United States, it has emerged.
The Prince made a surprise announcement tonight that he and his wife were stepping back from senior Royal duties to spend more time in North America.
But the Suffolk Gazette can reveal the real reason is so the couple can switch from one country’s ruling family to head another.
Friends of Harry told us: “Harry and Meghan, like many in her own country of America, want to be rid of Donald Trump.
“Harry has taken the giant step of quitting the Royal Family so he can apply for American citizenship. He will then join the Democrats and run for President in November this year.
“If successful, he will be known as President Wales, and he has already told us he can’t wait to be invited to Britain for a state banquet at Buckingham Palace in his honour.”
Many political observers in the US believe Harry will be a strong favourite to win power in the White House.
He will be the most British President to take office since Mr Trump, whose mother was Scottish.
Some Republicans are furious. Senior Trump aid Lorraine Fisher, 34, told us: “This is simply an underhand trick by the Brits to retake control of the United States.
“Expect Harry’s citizenship application to be refused out of hand.”
Britain’s oldest school caretaker has been suspended after accidentally dyeing a whole class of young children blue.
Norman Fletcher, 87, who staff feared had been getting increasingly “doddery”, got chemicals for the Little Brimmer Primary School swimming pool mixed up with powdered blue paint.
Far from making the indoor pool water cleaner, his mistake turned it into a huge paint pot.
And when the class of excited eight-year-old kids jumped in for their afternoon swimming lesson, they surfaced looking like a group of startled smurfs.
They were immediately hauled out of the water, but the colour would not rinse off in the showers.
As a precaution, the children were taken to the Little Brimmer Medical Centre, where the receptionist annoyed teachers by asking: “Where are you all coming from?”
Doctors said nobody’s health was at risk, and worried parents were told the paint should fade away before Easter.
A sign at the school gates warns the swimming pool will be closed for the foreseeable future.
Mum Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “We all like Mr Fletcher. The old boy has been part of school life here for over 60 years, but we feel the work is getting a bit too much for him.
“My daughter thinks it’s funny being blue, and she’ll certainly looks a little odd over the next few weeks, but it could have been worse.
“What if Mr Fletcher had got rat poison mixed up instead of paint? At least the worst of it now is the kids look like smurfs.”
Headmaster James Peat said in a statement: “We are taking this very seriously, and Mr Fletcher has been suspended pending further inquiries.
“He has served the school loyally, and we know he loves his job, but at 87 years old it is probably time for him to hang up his mop.”
Mr Fletcher, who had mistaken the paint for chemicals when he visited Little Brimmer’s local shop to stock up on school supplies, was too upset to talk to the Suffolk Gazette.
A woman who is trying out Veganuary for the first time is somehow managing to work it into conversation every five minutes.
Now, all friends and relatives of Lorraine Fisher, 34, know she is “doing her bit” to save the planet after watching some dodgy documentary about meat on Netflix.
And within an hour of getting back to work today, her colleagues had heard all about it, too.
Ms Fisher said: “It’s a new year and a new me. Now, I am better than everyone else because I shall be meat and dairy-free – and all that other unhealthy stuff.
“Did I tell you how much damage cows do to the environment?”
Family friend Steve Walshe was not quite so fond of Lorraine’s animal-friendly diet.
He said: “She bored us rigid over Christmas saying she was going to do Veganuary – and now she is telling us in great detail about every meal she is preparing.
“She is lecturing and hectoring while being oh so woke.
“And we all know she’ll celebrate the end of Veganuary with a huge bacon sandwich on February 1, so what’s the point?”
After a ruling made by the official Court of Social Media, Ipswich Town have been stripped of their right to play football.
It was found that the Suffolk outfit has flouted rules contrary to trading standards since 2004, having ceased to play what can realistically be described as ‘football’ around said time when ex-Norwich hard man and former MP for South Northampton Joe Royle accomplished his dastardly inside mission of stopping Ipswich from gaining promotion.
Despite facing a backlash from the pitchfork-wielding Portman Road faithful, and the dozens of fans that infest the terraces every other Saturday, a spokesperson for the prosecution has stated that this is a “justified, long-overdue move”. He added that the team had “stagnated like an awful Dad Joke at a wedding” in the Fizzy Pop Championship, taking up room needed for teams with genuine promotion aspirations, such as Greys Athletic, Arsenal reserves and Sacramento Kings.
Ipswich fans, along with many locals of Suffolk’s thriving answer to
Swindon, are split as to how the club can now be repurposed. While there are
isolated calls from an invisible, silent, non-existent minority of residents to
turn the stadium into a Turnip Bowling green – as it was in the years prior
Ipswich Town FC’s formation in 1784 – it is believed that the club will now
play rugby from 2020 onwards.
In addition to such reports, there are plans in place to hire several
players from the World Cup-winning South Africa squad. Consistently in the top
three of the latest
rugby union betting outright odds, the Boks are the very best around,
so a few signings from South Africa could truly bolster Ipswich’s team of
underdog rugby union sensations.
The ‘Boks’ are, of course, named aptly after the sound the egg-ball makes
upon contact with a boot, prior to flying over the extra-high crossbar – which
for some inexplicable reason causes the crowd to cheer.
Former South Africa players Francois Louw and ‘The Beast’ have already gone from the Boks’ squad, but the pipeline is still full of players that can fit into the Ipswich starting XV and have success. That is not to say Ipswich’s desperate pursuit of sporting glory in any earthly form will not be without some star quality, which many argue will get the fans turning up en-masse and mouthing off as if they could play better.
Already in the pipeline to play rugby for Ipswich Town are up and coming singer/ginger/songwriter Edward Sheeran, early-2000s cult hero Fabian Wilnis and three blokes from iconic television series Love Island. Ultimately, there is a feeling of optimism that the team will progress nicely in the coming years, finally giving Suffolk’s array of big-eared boys on farms good reason to leave their sheds full of twenty-foot high chickens of a weekend and roar on a new team made up of (mostly) local heroes.
It’s that time of year absolutely nobody has been waiting for – finding out which stories have been most read on the Suffolk Gazette in 2019.
Most are new articles, while some were published years ago but are still being lapped up by gullible fools, mainly from Norfolk or America.
As is usually the case, the mainstream media has fallen for several of our well-researched articles this year and published them without checking any facts for themselves.
So, without further waffle, here are the top 25 stories of 2019 by page views, in reverse order. There were millions of you enjoying our extensive news coverage, and I thank you all.
In a surprising turn of events, the story annoyed many residents of Clacton, who felt the move was patronising. “We’re not thick,” one wrote later in an angry email to the editor, while believing every word of the story.
Alarming news emerged from north Suffolk. where local potato farmer Maurice Piper somehow allowed his elephant, Nellie, to escape from the private enclosure on his estate.
The 34-year-old beast was roaming free in the countryside and was feared to be hiding out in Thetford Forest. Motorists on the A134 were advised to be extra vigilant, even though it’s not a trunk road.
We all knew Norfolk was a backward place, full of weird inbred people and dragons in the rural wastelands, so it was perhaps no great surprise when a 5,000-year-old tribe was found living in mud huts.
In another story poking fun at our “friends” from north of the border, we revealed how, following his election offer of free broadband for all, Jeremy Corbyn was proposing to introduce electricity to Norfolk.
Of course, no-one believed our story because everyone knows locals there don’t believe in “electrickery”.
There was sad news in the summer when it was revealed a pack of bears, released in a re-wilding project in Thetford Forest, had eaten a family.
Bears crossing the A134 near Thetford
Authorities had kept the attack secret so as not to cause alarm, but this newspaper felt it deserved publishing in the public interest. Unfortunately, it did cause some alarm to those people stupid enough to read it and think it was true.
While Prince Andrew was giving a car crash TV interview about his alleged antics with Jeffrey Epstein, Bill Clinton came up with an alibi for his alleged affair with Monica Lewinsky.
The former US President insisted he was at Pizza Express in Woking at the time, so could not possibly have been seeing the voluptuous intern.
Sad news from international sport, when we reported the world hide and seek champion was found dead in a wardrobe, where he had been hiding successfully for two weeks.
Police spokeswoman Sgt Lorraine Fisher, 34, told us: “It’s this sort of skill which makes a hide and seek world champion – but unfortunately it was also the death of him.”
This story was first published in 2018 but has received repeated bursts of virality, nudging it into the 2019 list, too.
A Suffolk woman, who was worse for wear for drink, thought she had purchased a border collie from a bloke in the pub, only to wake up the next morning with this creature sitting on her sofa…
This article is three years old but is still being shared merrily around the internet. We revealed how Suffolk Police, desperate to save money, had introduced a new electric police patrol car.
However, cops complained the charge soon runs out and local kids have been throwing eggs at them as they trundle past.
Some readers were fooled, with one writing in: “How are they supposed to take criminals in? Ridiculous! Good on them for trying to lower their carbon footprint, though.”
Poor Theresa May had been trying unsuccessfully to take Britain out of Europe for years – only for Scotland manager Alex McLeish to secure Scotland’s exit after just one European Championship qualifier, when they lost 3-0 to mighty Kazakhstan.
For once, it wasn’t Prince Philip’s driving in the news. Instead, we revealed that when Donald Trump and his wife visited Buckingham Palace, Philip called Melania “Stormy”, after the porn star Stormy Daniels, who her husband allegedly had an affair with.
This story was taken a little too seriously in the United States and was one of many Suffolk Gazette stories to be “fact-check” by Snopes, the US internet police.
In more heart-warming Royal news, our Royal Editor Jane Seymour revealed the Queen joined in National Take Your Child to Work Day for the Queen’s Speech.
One observer told us: “Charles was dressed smartly and had combed what is left of his hair.”
A story from over a year ago that continues to circulate on the internet, with Americans, in particular, getting very cross about it. One wrote: “How misleading and disturbing. To use this as publicity for the cream is wrong.”
There was good news for well-heeled London commuters, as the Suffolk Gazette revealed tube trains would contain first-class carriages complete with leather chairs and a bar.
The new first-class carriages being prepared for Central Line trains (Photo: Simon Pielow, published under CC BY-SA 2.0)
This story was already going well when the Drudge Report, one of the most influential news aggregators in America, picked it up and ran it as fact, linking to our story. Cue tens of thousands of confused American readers.
Larry the Downing Street cat reassured Britain that he is now running the country.
After political disaster upon political disaster, Larry stepped forward and proclaimed: “Where there is discord, may we bring harmony. Where there is error, may we bring truth. Where there is doubt, may we bring faith. Where there is despair, may we bring hope, and where there is an empty dish, may we bring Whiskas.”
The future of British car making is secure despite fears it could implode after Brexit. We revealed a photograph of the first car to roll off the production line.
The car has an impressive spec list, including air conditioning, which is achieved simply by winding down the window.
In yet another successful ‘Prince Philip driving story’, it was revealed The Queen had asked Prince Philp to pick up Mr Trump from the airport for his state visit.
Palace officials wondered if Her Majesty had some cunning ulterior motive for the kind offer of a lift – but many American readers questioned the story’s validity, insisting Mr Trump would only use his armoured car.
The worldwide anti-doping agency (WADA) has handed down a four-year ban to Norfolk, following repeat doping failures by several leading county gurners.
WADA had originally intended to take action only against specific individuals, however county officials were also implicated via interference with laboratory test results at the most recent Gurning World Championship.
The event, held at Egremont Crab Fair, was once again won by 17-times world gurning champion Tommy Mattinson, who was relieved to have won, despite the cheating by several of the Norfolk-based contestants.
He said: “It takes a lot of training and effort to pull championship-winning faces and I’m horrified that some contestants try to take the easy root to victory.”
The ban means that no athletes can compete under the county name or use the Norfolk County Arms as a visual identifier. The Norfolk county anthem or other songs associated with the county – such as the Singing Postman, will not be allowed either.
The news has disappointed Norfolk-born Queen drummer Roger Taylor, as We are the Champions is now one of the banned pieces of music. However, as has been pointed out by many, this will have no actual impact, as Norfolk have never been champions of anything.
It is believed that individual athletes who can prove they haven’t doped may be allowed to compete but under a neutral banner. Several “honest” Norfolk Gurners have already decided to compete again next year and have decided to use the identifier #notinmyface as their team name.
WADA spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Rules are rules, so Norfolk gurners will simply have to grin and bear it.”
