Home Blog Page 285

Mammoths reclaiming East Anglian countryside amid coronavirus lockdown

0
Mammoth yesterday in Suffolk (Photo by local potato farmer Maurice Piper)

Emboldened mammoths have begun roaming the deserted East Anglian countryside during the coronavirus lockdown.

The remaining beasts retreated to the region’s forests hundreds of years ago, including Thetford Forest, Dunwich and Rendlesham Forests.

But with locals forced to stay at home rather than toil in the fields, the mammoths now have the courage to venture out to pastures new.

The specimen above was photographed by Suffolk Gazette reader Maurice Piper, a potato farmer from Westleton in Suffolk.

A large male, it had wandered to the outskirts of the village and was foraging outside Mr Piper’s house.

Wildlife expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “While it is a beautiful thing to see, we would urge the public not to approach any mammoths who have ventured close to built-up areas.”

Mammoths, from the elephantid genus Mammuthus, are extremely large and strong. Although not prone to violence, they would hurt if they stood on your toe.

“Do not go up to them, but please do take a photograph if you can and send it in,” Ms Fisher added.

“We have not been able to study their behaviour for many years.”

It is believed around 180 mammoths live in East Anglia, the last place they survive in the UK.

The news comes after goats took over a Welsh town, dolphins returned to Venice canals, and Lowestoft’s natural environment returned.

Don’t be a mug – buy this mug

Zoom confirms this is how NOT to use its online conferencing system

1

Online video conferencing giant Zoom has confirmed these befuddled new users are struggling to get used to the software.

Using the example above, they said the mop-haired organiser had accidentally published the Zoom ID to the world.

And participants in this particular Zoom session clearly had issues, including:

  • The user ‘PM’ being unable to centre his image
  • Therese Coffey is asleep
  • The Lord Chancellor is also asleep
  • The Press Team are missing altogether
  • Brandon Lewis is being attacked by a bat
  • Suella Braverman is punching herself
  • Liz Truss has a huge Union Jack in her living room
  • Dom Raab is posing for a police photofit
  • Michael Gove is paying no attention at all
  • Neither is Robert Jenrick
  • The Prime Minister has muted everyone apart from the Cabinet Room and Defra

Zoom specialist Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “This Zoom session is every employee’s worst nightmare.

“Clearly the organiser and participants in this Zoom call had no idea what they were doing.

“Matt Hancock looks completely confused.”

Buy this cool nasty bug mug and support the Suffolk Gazette

0
Nasty bug going around mug
Don’t be a mug, buy this mug

You can be the proud owner of this amusing mug, exclusive to the Suffolk Gazette’s partner, Dirty Old Goat. By buying one, you’ll be supporting your favourite accurate and reliable news resource (that’s us, in case you wondered).

The mugs are only £7.99 plus post and packing, and you’ll be the envy of your family or friends.

Even Lorraine Fisher, 34, has one.

You can order your mug by clicking here or on the View Product button below. This takes you to the Dirty Old Goat for purchase.

Buy now! Support your local newspaper. Stay safe!

Norfolk man with parsnip stuck up bottom was trying to find coronavirus cure

0

A Norfolk man rushed to hospital with a parsnip stuck up his backside claimed he had been trying to find a cure for Covid-19.

Self-styled inventor Bubba Spuckler told shocked doctors he was experimenting with vegetables as he believed he was close to a breakthrough.

But his alleged medical work went wrong when a large seven-inch parsnip became lodged in his rectum. He was rushed to the Norfolk and Norwich Hospital from his home in Downham Market, which he shares with his sister and their six children.

Hospital spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Mr Spuckler claimed he was inventing a cure for the coronavirus.

“It’s to his credit that he was looking to help mankind, but we were not sure inserting large vegetables was ever going to bring the medical breakthrough he claimed he was seeking.”

She explained medics managed to remove the parsnip and were grateful for the face masks they had been forced to wear.

Mr Spuckler is apparently none the worse for his ordeal, but has found it difficult to sit down.

Norwich bottom of the Belarus football league

0

British football fans desperate for sporting action have turned to the last league standing in Belarus – and made a remarkable discovery.

Looking at the league standings, fans found Norwich City were propping up the table.

It can be revealed the Canaries entered a team into the Eastern European league in the hope of finally winning something. With only sixteen teams in the top flight, their chances were much better.

But the start of the new season, which has become essential viewing for everyone using online betting accounts, has not gone well.

Early defeats from Minsk and unfancied Slutsk have left Norwich rooted to the bottom of the league, just as they are in back in England, where all football is off-limits.

Belarus football executive Lorraine Fishky explained: “The Norwich City owner, Delia Smith, paid a large sum to the Belarusian Football Federation so she could enter a side into this year’s competition.

“She said it was time her club finally won a trophy but it looks like her plan is already backfiring spectacularly.

“They have a midweek clash with Vitebsk to try and get their season up and running.”

Norwich City are rock-bottom of the English Premier League, now suspended owing to the coronavirus.

Sort out your social distancing

8pm public applause for journalists to sweep the nation tonight

0

As beloved keyworkers, Britain’s journalists will be celebrated tonight as the nation steps outside for a minute’s applause.

Just days after NHS keyworkers were applauded, and coming as another movement is launched for logistics staff, journalists will be shown just how much the country loves them.

Journalist fan Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “I and all my neighbours will be out tonight at 8pm to clap wildly for journalists.

“They all do a fantastic job. Everyone especially loves all the tabloid journalists and the ones at the Daily Mail.”

A spokesman for the Suffolk Gazette said: “It was only a matter of the time before the nation decided to collectively show its appreciation for our noble profession.

“It’s been many years since I was given the clap.”

The growing support is being felt on Twitter with news spreading via the hashtag #GiveJournalistsTheClap

Win a mug in the Suffolk Gazette news quiz

0

Enter our quiz then share it on your Facebook or Twitter page to be in with a chance of winning a money-can’t-buy, exclusive Suffolk Gazette mug!

Idiots whining that Boris Johnson had coronavirus test now being tested to see if they have a brain

0

People on social media asking why Boris Johnson managed to have a coronavirus test are themselves now being tested to see if they have a brain.

The Prime Minister announced today he has fallen ill with mild symptoms and has tested positive for Covid-19.

But numpties on Twitter, so desperate to do a spot of virtue signaling, cried foul, saying he should not have been tested before NHS staff.

Well, here’s something that may come as a shock to those people – it’s because HE IS RUNNING THE F&C*ING COUNTRY.

Intelligence expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “The outpouring of faux outrage from some people on social media is extraordinary.

“We are concerned about them so will now be testing them – to see if they have a brain in their heads.”