The rock group Foreigner still has absolutely no idea what love is, it has emerged.
More than 30 years after imploring to the world: “I want you to show me”, the British-American band is still none the wiser.
The group had hoped it would soon find an answer after releasing I Want to Know What Love Is as a single late in 1984.
Hopes were high after it became a smash hit, knocking Band Aid’s Do They Know It’s Christmas? off the top of the charts to become the UK number one for several weeks.
It also topped the US charts, replacing Madonna’s Like a Virgin.
But despite the huge publicity around the song, nobody has actually told the long-haired musicians what love is.
A delightful Ipswich nativity scene is melting the hearts of the nation, serving as a reminder in troubled times that Britain has so much to offer.
Set in a cosy-looking bus stop, the nativity shows three wise chavs presenting gifts of booze, a stolen electrical item and a mystery box – presumed to contain crack cocaine – to baby Jesus in his buggy.
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Mum Mary has a fag on, but seems delighted by the men’s gesture. It is believed they are being so generous because any one of them could be the father.
Meanwhile, Joseph looks on with keen interest, sitting underneath a photograph of himself that was put up by the friendly folk at the local constabulary.
The happy family’s pet pit bull is shown sitting patiently, just before shitting on the pavement.
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Artist Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “This touching nativity really puts Ipswich on the map.
“It’s important we all remember the true meaning of Christmas and nicking stuff while getting boozed and drugged up helps us to that perfectly.”
Do you know the identity of the “models” posing for the Ipswich nativity? If so, please tell Ipswich Police.
A new game, imported directly from France, is expected to take British shops by storm this Christmas.
The Build Your Own Riot game promises thrills and spills as you place your very own rioters around the streets and attempt to overthrow the Government.
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For ages five years and up, the game is perfectly timed to top the Christmas toys list, and begin a revolution as Britain is split in two over Brexit.
Suffolk importer Lorraine Fisher, 34, spotted the popularity of the riot kit during a recent trip to Paris and knew it could be a best seller back in the UK.
“The French love it,” she said. “They currently spend every weekend creating their own riots.
“The mood in Britain is now perfect. It’s much more fun than Monopoly, although that normally ends in tears as well.”
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Suffolk police are keeping a beady eye on the game, which may have a UK adaptation with its own Tommy Robinson figure.
“To make it more acceptable to the British audience there will be a Tommy Robinson figure and an opposing Owen Jones figure, which is waving a copy of The Guardian, for everyone to play with,” explained Ms Fisher.
“There is hours of fun to be had.”
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People of all ages will have fun placing their rioters and then jumping for joy as they take on the police in heated battle. Marvel at the petrol bombs and cover your face as the cops return fire with tear gas.
Already five thousand advance orders of the game have been placed in toy shops around Britain.
This exclusive, extraordinary footage reveals the legendary Black Shuck devil dog, which terrorised East Anglia in the 16th-century, has reappeared in Ipswich.
The seven-foot ghost animal, with terrifying flaming red eyes, has been seen several times this week in the town’s Christchurch Park and has now been caught on film for the first time.
Experts say it has likely been attracted by the scent of blood from the new guillotines at the nearby Cornhill.
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Hell-hound Black Shuck can tear a human to shreds in seconds with its savage claws and huge razor-sharp teeth.
Now, families are being warned to keep an eye on their children while out and about in Christchurch Park.
“Perhaps it is wise to keep them close. It might also be sensible to keep your own dogs on a lead because Black Shuck will make light work of them,” said Ipswich council parks official Lorraine Fisher, 34.
But no-one predicted the smell of blood from local beheaded criminals would re-awaken Black Shuck.
The huge animal makes a terrifying howl but you can not hear it running towards you. And by then it’s too late.
It famously killed churchgoers in the Holy Trinity church in Blythburgh during a fierce storm in 1577. Its claw marks are still visible on the church door.
More hapless Christians were torn to shreds in Bungay, and Black Shuck is now incorporated in the town’s crest.
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Anyone spotting Black Shuck is advised to stand as still as possible. There is only one foolproof defence method known to man – and that’s to hold up a photograph of Norwich City owner Delia Smith.
Doing so will send the 14-stone blood-curdling beast (Black Shuck, not Delia) running for cover.
Meanwhile, Ipswich parks department has brought in a team of big-game hunters to track down the dog and kill it before it runs amok.
Our exclusive video shows a sighting of Black Shuck running across the front of the Christchurch Park mansion.
“It was a terrifying moment,” said one local dog walker. “There was an ear-splitting howl and a foul smell. I thought at first it was my wife, but then everything else in the park went eerily quiet.
“I got my phone out and managed to get this video of Black Shuck, which looked like it was after a squirrel.
“The hell-hound is obviously driven to a frenzy by the heads and blood of the local criminals executed on the Cornhill guillotines.”
As if Britain hasn’t had a bad news this year already, it’s emerged there will be a shortage of sprouts this Christmas.
Everyone’s favourite festive vegetable will be missing from many Christmas Day dinners.
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The drought-like conditions across the country in the summer made for virtually impossible planting and growing conditions for the tasty green treats.
Now supermarkets are bracing themselves for shortages ahead of the traditional Yuletide rush to stock up for the holidays.
Retail bosses fear there could be near rioting in the aisles as shoppers push and shove to grab whatever meagre sprout rations are put on the shelves.
National Sprout Federation chairperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, warned: “It’s been a terrible time for the sprout crop.
“We’re predicting outages across Britain, bringing misery to most Christmas meal celebrations.
“The summer heatwave, while pleasant enough at the time, has meant most sprouts will not grow in time for the winter harvest.
“You’ll have to have peas with your turkey this year.”
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However, the sprout shortage news was met with joy by Britain’s children.
Steve Walshe, aged seven, from Woodbridge, said: “It’s the worst part of Christmas. Sprouts make me sick yet I am forced to eat one or I can’t have Christmas Pudding.”
Superstar Kevin the Carrot, whose showbiz career was launched by Aldi Christmas TV ads, is leading a double life, The Suffolk Gazette on Sunday can reveal.
Fan hysteria has hit Aldi stores where Kevin makes regular appearances. Shoppers can’t wait to get their hands on him.
He shot to fame when Aldi did a spoof of the famous Christmas Coca-Cola truck hurtling into town.
Kevin was driving and ended up with the giant truck hanging off a cliff. But he and wife Katie were saved for Christmas.
But on Friday night, Kevin, father of three, was seen sneaking out the back entrance of Aldi in Ipswich – with Colin the Courgette.
They were both literally legless and holding on to each other. An eye-witness saw them lurch over to a group of men dressed like The Village People who were heading off to a Pride Rally at a nearby nightclub.
Kevin the Carrot
In the early hours, a Suffolk Gazette investigative reporter and a paparazzi snapper confronted Kevin the Carrot and Colin to get to the root of the story.
Fans had no idea that their married idol had been leading a life underground.
Kevin admitted: “I’m so ashamed for cheating on my wife, Katie. She will be boiling mad. Carrots often lead mucky lives but they try to keep it from the public.
“Actually, I’m glad it’s out. I’ve been blackmailed by wicked Pascal the Parsnip.”
Katie said: “Now That Kevin’s admitted it I will try to make our marriage grate again.
Colin the Courgette confessed: “It was all my fault, man. I groomed Kevin and thought we could have a simmering affair. I was wrong and will back off now he’s given me the chop.”
Ipswich Vegetable Liaison Officer Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “In enlightened times there is nothing wrong with being gay.
“But people will be shocked that Kev has come out of the kitchen closet because he has made a fortune by building his image as a family man.
“Poor Katie has enough on her plate as it is.”
Cheeky mugs to buy
Here are some Suffolk Gazette mugs you should buy…
Four new guillotines are being erected in Ipswich as part of a tough crackdown on anti-social behaviour.
The sturdy structures are now in place, and Suffolk police are just waiting for the terrifying angled blades to arrive from France.
Executioners have already been hired, with many willing volunteers from certain local Facebook groups all happy to offer their services.
A police insider said heads of the hapless criminals would be displayed on spikes around the newly-refurbished Cornhill, as a deterrent to others.
Ipswich is a popular destination for street drinkers, drug dealers, beggars and residents who seem to think their anti-social behaviour is acceptable.
Now, they face summary execution in the town square, recently part of a multi-million-pound improvement programme, without trial.
Local councillor Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “This is the ultimate deterrent to local criminals.
“The guillotines were highly effective when used in France during the French Revolution. They were an option for the death penalty until as late as 1981, so it’s quite a modern technique.”
The guillotines have been built for £20,000 each, but council bosses say the cost has already been recouped by selling the exclusive execution broadcast rights to Sky Sports.
Not my generation
Meanwhile, some wags say the horrific-looking structures, which appear to be rather basic slabs of concrete, will be perfect for those wishing to relieve themselves after one too many drinks.
It is suggested that Ipswich town centre will soon look like the iconic cover to The Who’s album, Who’s Next, pictured above.
“What could possibly go wrong?” asked an office worker on his way to lunch today.
Former BBC news reader Richard Baker has died, aged 93. The well-known journalist first broadcast in 1954, and was a mainstay of British front rooms, relaying world events.
It is fitting, therefore, that he should be remembered in this Suffolk Gazette obituary Haiku, by Richard Standen
Have you heard the news?
Richard Baker’s last headline
It’s goodnight from him.
Richard Baker OBE RD, BBC news broadcaster
Born: 15th June 1925, Willesden, Middlesex, England
Died: 17th November 2018, Oxford, England
