There’s lots of doom and gloom around Portman Road right now. Ipswich Town are rooted to the bottom of the Championship and their first 22 league games of the season have delivered a measly two wins. So dire are their straits, in fact, that if you shop around you can find odds of around 5/1 against them staying up come the end of the campaign.

Given that there is still more than half a season to go and no other teams’ odds for staying up are any longer than around 7/4, that suggests the UK’s top betting sites feel survival for the Tractor Boys is pretty unlikely. Before Ipswich fans start sinking too far into depression, however, let’s provide a little wider context. There are plenty of other things, after all, which the odds makers still reckon are far more unlikely than a great escape down Ipswich way.

Baddiel, Skinner & The Lightning Seeds to be Xmas Number One

Sticking with the world of football – just about – it’s currently around 200/1 that Three Lions by Baddiel, Skinner and the Lightning Seeds will be sitting at the top of the charts come Christmas. As glory starved as us England fans are, a fourth-placed finish at the World Cup and success in a tournament that didn’t exist this time last year surely can’t be enough to make that happen!  

Margaret Thatcher to Feature on the New £50 Note

There’s currently a search ongoing for a new public figure from the world of science to feature on £50 notes. Given her academic background – she was a research chemist at Oxford University – Margaret Thatcher has been given odds of 50/1 to receive the honour. It seems inconceivable that ‘the milk snatcher’ could realistically get the nod, but then again, it’s only really Tory supporters who ever see any fifties anyway.

Conor McGregor to Become Irish Ambassador to Russia

UFC fighter Conor McGregor is a lot of things, but diplomatic certainly isn’t one of them! The odds of around 500/1 offered by a famous Irish bookie for him to become the country’s ambassador to Russia, therefore, could even be described as a bit on the short side. That’s especially true when you consider the high-profile and ugly incident which followed McGregor’s fight with Russian Khabib Nurmagomedov earlier this year. Where Vladimir Putin’s concerned, though, you just never know.

Prince Harry & Meghan Markle to Name Their Child Joffrey

Whilst the activities of the royal family would undoubtedly be a lot more entertaining if they more closely resembled Game of Thrones, it still seems a long shot that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle would go the whole hog and name their new baby Joffrey. The currently available odds of around 500/1 certainly reflect that. One thing’s for sure, however, if it were to come to pass Princes Charles and William, along with the other royals ahead of the new Prince Joffrey on the order of succession had better watch out.         

Nigel Farage to be the Next Tory Leader

Currently priced up at around 200/1, Nigel Farage is just one of a whole host of unlikely candidates to take the poison chalice of the Tory leadership after Theresa May has finished supping from it. Those odds are understandable given that Farage has failed to gain a seat in any of the general elections he’s run in and is, of course, a divisive figure at best (that’s the diplomatic way of saying most people hate him). The state of UK politics as they are right now, however, it would hardly be the biggest surprise to see Farage in number ten.

Katie Hopkins to be the Next Dr Who

Speaking of divisive figures (you know what that means now), former Apprentice contestant turned professional s**t stirrer, Katie Hopkins, is an unlikely option to follow Jodie Whittaker into the TARDIS. That is, at least, according to the bookies who place her at around 110/1 to become the second ever female doctor. If it were to happen, though, the show’s writers would likely have to cope with the fact that Hopkins would surely refuse to visit any foreign countries, let alone planets.

Helen Mirren to be the New James Bond

As we’ve already mentioned, there is now a female Dr Who, so what odds on the James Bond producers following suit and giving a woman their top job? 500/1 is the answer to that, if the woman in question is to be Dame Helen Mirren; at least according to the bookies. It seems that there’s little chance of it happening, then, but I for one would pay good money to see a film where Mirren parachutes into some baddies’ lair and beats the living daylights out of a clutch of seven-foot-tall henchmen.