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Football fans everywhere note that Leeds have fallen apart again

The Editor
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Leeds United Football Club has indeed fallen apart again, it has emerged.

The Yorkshire club bottled its play-off semi-final against Derby County, turning a 2-0 aggregate lead into a 3-4 defeat that saw Frank Lampard’s Rams heading for Wembley instead.

Football fans everywhere remind Leeds of its wobbly nature by singing: “Leeds are falling apart again”, to the tune of Joy Division’s Love Will Tear Us Apart Again, at every opportunity.

And tonight, football fan Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “I was watching the play-off game at Elland Road and it was true that Leeds really did fall apart again.

“It’s such a terrible shame because it’s such a love, friendly little club.”

Football fans up and down the country are already looking forward to next season when Leeds will no doubt be up the top of the league for most of the year before falling yet again at the last hurdle.

Meanwhile, Derby go on to play Aston Villa in the play-off final at Wembley.

Surprise as woman flying about on killer dragon turns out to be slightly unhinged

The Editor
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Surprise as woman flying about on killer dragon turns out to be slightly unhinged
Killer Queen (Photo: HBO)

A cute blonde-haired woman who flies around on a murderous dragon might be a little unhinged after all, it has emerged.

Daenerys Targaryen went on the rampage on Sunday night, killing tens of thousands of innocent people who had been trying to surrender.

Viewers of Game of Thrones, one of the eight most popular cable TV shows of the last decade, had been clinging on to the belief that the pretty young Mother of Dragons was a fine and noble Queen.

But scenes of her whipping her dragon into a fire-raising frenzy, turning King’s Landing and its subjects to ashes, have left some questioning her good intentions.

Fan Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “I’ll have to watch it again to be certain, but I’m beginning to think Daenerys is not quite as sweet as she first seemed.

“It turns out zipping about on a fire-breathing dragon can lead to some rather odd behaviour.”

But another viewer, Steve Walsh, added: “Look, she’s a cracker and has great t*ts. We can forgive the odd bit of passive-aggressive behaviour.”

Game of Thrones finishes after eight seasons this coming weekend. “Maybe Daenerys will have cheered up by then, and we can forget the King’s Landing massacre ever happened,” pondered Ms Fisher.

Astonishing week ends with English teams finishing first and second in the Premier League

The Editor
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Astonishing week ends with English teams finishing first and second in the Premier League

Football took another extraordinary twist this weekend when it emerged two English clubs finished champions and runners-up of the Premier League.

Following news that all four finalists in Europe’s top two cup competitions were English, Manchester City and Liverpool both finished at the top of the league.

The country is now convinced English football has never had it so good.

Football fan Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “First Liverpool and Tottenham upset the odds to reach the Champions League final.

“Then Arsenal and Chelsea both won their Europa League semi-finals to reach the final at nearby Azerbaijan.

“If that wasn’t enough, English teams have now clinched first and second in the Premier League.

“Has there ever been such an astonishing week in English football?”

In other football-related news, Ipswich Town supporters are preparing for their first season in England’s third-tier for nearly 60 years.

Daily Mail confused after immigrant has baby at taxpayers’ expense

The Editor
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Daily Mail confused after immigrant has baby at taxpayers’ expense
Daily Mail fury

By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

The hate-filled Daily Mail, which has spread fear and loathing about migrants in the UK, has now become utterly confused after an immigrant had a baby at taxpayers’ expense.

Instead of producing yet another front page about how migration has drained the country’s resources, it decided to print 23 pages of celebration instead.

Media commentator Lorraine Fisher, 34, said it was a mystery why the Daily Mail had become so fawning about this particular case.

“A woman from abroad, who moved to Britain for a better life, had a baby a day or so ago in Windsor. The Mail has completely lost its shit about it but in a good way.

“It seems to think this is the best news ever, which is a little odd.”

Meanwhile, in other news, Prince Harry and his American wife Meghan today showed off their new-born son to the world. There is increasing speculation he will be called Donald.

Meghan wants to name baby Donald after her President

The Editor
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Meghan wants to name baby Donald after her President

By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

The Duchess of Sussex is putting her foot down and demanding her first baby will be named Donald, after her US President.

Meghan is a big fan of Mr Trump and believes calling her first child after him will be a tremendous boost to UK-US relations.

The bouncing baby boy was born yesterday, weighing in at 7lbs 3ozs. He has a lot of wispy fair hair, which is what first gave Meghan the idea to call him Donald.

Meghan Markle
Meghan Markle (Photo: Northern Ireland office CC)

Royal observers have been speculating about the new Royal baby name, but now the odds on it being Donald have tumbled at the bookmakers.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, a Royal insider, said: “Prince Donald has a certain ring to it. Mr Trump will be thrilled to bits when he hears the news.”

It is known that the Duchess of Sussex, an American, is a huge fan of Mr Trump and is looking forward to meeting up with him on his official state visit to the UK next month.

“She can’t wait to introduce the President to little Donald. It will be a touching moment, for sure,” said Ms Fisher.

While more traditional names were favoured by Prince Harry, such as Charles, Albert or Barry, he is said to have come around to the idea of naming his first son, who will have dual US nationality, Donald.

Chewbacca star dies, world mourns

The Editor
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Chewbacca star dies, world mourns
Chewbacca

The world was in mourning today after it was announced popular character Chewbacca had died.

The huge brown hairy beast was a mainstay throughout the many editions of Rainbow, which was loved by children across the world from the 1970s.

Tributes were flooding in today from his many close friends, including George and Zippy.

Suffolk television critic Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Chewbacca was a popular character. Everyone loved his brown hairy face.

“The small screen won’t be the same without him.”

Sadly, Chewbacca died just days before May the fourth, so he won’t be using that joke again.

Cocaine-fuelled Suffolk shrimps behind £50m Norfolk beach drug haul

The Editor
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Cocaine-fuelled Suffolk shrimps behind £50m Norfolk beach drug haul

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Reporter

The discovery of drug-addled shrimps in Suffolk’s rivers has finally solved the mystery behind £50 million worth of cocaine washed up on Norfolk beaches in 2017, police have confirmed.

Detectives now believe the cocaine haul was destined for the crack dens of the rivers Orwell, Alde and Lark where it would have been cut and distributed to junkie shrimps and lobsters throughout Britain’s waterways network.

University boffins discovered this week that shrimp caught in 15 locations across Suffolk tested positive for cocaine.

Undercover drug cops now believe a mysterious Codfather-like figure, known as Lobster the Mobster, is masterminding the shipments and distribution of drugs. “He’s the big fish we’re after,” said one.

Lobster the Mobster

“Drug use amongst Suffolk’s shrimps is reaching epidemic proportions,” a police spokesman said.

“Taking cocaine is not clever, it’s shellfish behaviour. We urgently want to speak with Lobster the Mobster and his henchmen, Ronnie and Reggie Krayfish” he added.

He explained the £50 million haul, which was washed up in Norfolk in 2017, was meant to be brought up the River Orwell towards a shrimp den near Ipswich.

Drugs on Norfolk beach
Drugs washed up on Norfolk beach in 2017

“But we believe the inflatable boat bringing it in was punctured by Lobster the Mobster’s claw and sank, leaving the tide to take the bails of coke to Norfolk, where some locals tried to pinch it.”

The public is urged to watch out for spaced-out shellfish in Suffolk and to check their prawn sandwiches do not contain a mysterious white powder.

“Prawn barons are not welcome in Suffolk,” anti-drugs campaigner Lorraine Fisher, 34, said.

Queen sends Prince Philip to pick up Donald Trump from the airport

The Editor
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Queen sends Prince Philip to pick up Donald Trump from the airport

By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

The Queen will welcome Donald Trump to Britain by sending Prince Philip to pick him up from the airport.

Mr Trump will make his first official state visit to the UK in June, staying with Her Majesty, having talks at Downing Street and taking part in D-Day commemorations (so long as it’s not raining).

It has been revealed that the Queen has a cunning plan to keep Mr Trump occupied – sending her husband out in his Range Rover to pick the President up from Stansted Airport.

Prince Philip Donald Trump

A Royal insider said: “Her Majesty was furious when Philip overturned his car near Sandringham after colliding with a common person in a Kia earlier this year.

“She ordered Philip, 96, to stay off the road, much to his disgust. But news that Mr Trump is arriving has given her a change of heart.

“Now she wants Philip to drive round and pick him up.

“She’s claiming this will make Mr Trump feel welcome, but the Royal household can’t help wondering that she has an ulterior motive.”

Royal watchers will be keen to see how Her Majesty and Mr Trump get along after some curious body language when he dropped by last summer on an official (but not a state) visit.

It emerged that when Prince Philip met the Trumps, he gaffed by saying welcome to Donald Trump and Stormy.

** Hat tip to Have I Got News For You Facebook page – turns out they made this gag earlier today!

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