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Joe Biden to make Barack Obama ambassador to Norfolk

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Barack Obama getting his first look at Norfolk
Barack Obama getting his first look at Norfolk (Photo: Joe Biden)

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

US President-elect Joe Biden shows he’s not afraid of tackling major world problems – by appointing Barack Obama as ambassador to Norfolk.

Mr Biden will move the popular former President to an official residence in Downham Market, tasked with making the unruly UK county safe.

The US has key military airbase interests in Norfolk, and Mr Biden needs Mr Obama to cajole the locals out of the dark ages.

Washington political commentator Lorraine Fisher, 34, said US bases in East Anglia were critical to the US’ wider military influence and standing as a geopolitical force.

“Unfortunately, while the bases are in a superb strategic position, they are in Norfolk. Locals are backward and lawless, and there is no better man than Barack Obama to win them over and protect our interests.”

News broke earlier this week that Mr Obama was being lined up to be an ambassador in London.

But while some speculated it would instead be ambassador to the EU, we can reveal his appointment is really ambassador to Norfolk.

One early problem will be finding an official residence in Downham Market, where most properties are hovels with straw on the floors.

Recipe box demand surges during pandemic

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Without a doubt, the coronavirus pandemic has disrupted economic and social activities globally. We have seen the world go from normalcy to lockdowns, border closures as well as other myriads of restrictions. Millions of people have struggled with economic hardships, mental health issues, homelessness, domestic violence and isolation, just to mention a few.

With millions of enterprises facing an existential threat, businesses have been forced to adapt to the pandemic. For one, the online space has not only been an important part of business operations but has also been essential for their survival during this period. This has helped businesses centre their operations online and deliver to customers in the comfort of their homes. 

The pandemic has also led to the loss of incomes, with millions facing unemployment as a result of the closure of businesses. Many people have also been forced to work from home and with restaurants closed to prevent the spread of COVID-19, the majority of people have been forced to cut on restaurants dining and takeaways and search for online recipes and meal boxes.

According to newbie deals, here are some of the recipes boxes you should try out. They are inclusive of all including vegans and contain healthy recipes for an individual or even the whole family!

Vegan recipe boxes

If you thought vegan meals are boring, you are wrong. With a wide variety of simple ingredients not to mention incredible and thought-out recipe boxes, you will be spoilt for choice. The pandemic has seen people take extra care of what they eat, mostly to boost their immunity.

People have shifted to vegan meals, with Mindful Chef seeing a 345% increase in vegan recipe box demand. These recipe boxes contain interesting meal plans such as the red peto jackfruit and chickpea stuffed peppers, kung pao tempeh with baby corn and broccoli and the parsnip, kale and kidney bean hotspot recipe box, just to mention a few. These recipes are easy to follow and take less than 30 minutes to prepare. How convenient!

With deliveries starting on Mondays, this helps you jumpstart your vegan meals with no delays whatsoever.

Family recipe boxes

The mindful chef is also inclusive to cater to families with a variety of recipe boxes that are not only healthy but are also easy to prepare. This is especially helpful for those who have to cater to the needs of their families while also working from home.

In the healthy family recipe boxes, a weekly box contains 2 to 3 healthy recipes that cater to 3 to 5 people and 12 recipes to choose from.

Among the recipes in the family recipe box include harissa salmon, potato fries and sundried tomato, chicken pesto and sweetcorn penne, honey and harissa chicken skewers with quinoa, Spanish rice with cod and portobello mushrooms with Mexican-style rice.

Healthy recipe boxes

If you are mindful of your health and what you consume, I’m sure you have or will be on the lookout for the healthiest recipes that suit your needs. Handcrafted by qualified chefs, the mindful chef has recipe boxes that are dairy and gluten-free.

They are packed with quality and nutritious ingredients most suitable for the microwave air oven in as little as 8 minutes. Among the available and affordable healthy meal boxes include chicken satay chicken, Smokey chipotle chicken, comforting veggie lasagne, chicken tikka masala, Smokey pulled jackfruit and cashew chickpea korma.

Riverford recipe box is also an excellent choice. Delivered once a week, this recipe box has the highest quality and organic produce farmed with the highest standards. All ingredients are also seasonal and are developed by a team of excellent chefs. They also change every week hence breaking the monotony of having the same meal over and over. From this recipe box, you can make a cashew stir fry with cauliflower rice and tofu among other fantastic meal ideas.

Smoothie recipes

You might also want to add smoothies to your diet. These provide the body with essential minerals, vitamins, antioxidants and fiber. Whether you are looking to incorporate banana smoothies, green smoothies, mango smoothies or even berry smoothies, the mindful chef has a wide array of pre-prepped frozen fruits, healthy grains and vegetables. The ingredients also have no added sugar, stabilizers and preservatives.

Among the smoothie options available at mindful chef include the passion fruit breakfast smoothie, apple blackberry smoothie, banana cocoa smoothie, berry blast smoothie and super green smoothie, all available in a pack of 5. Others are available in a pack of 12 such as the tastier smoothie bundle.

The lean green smoothie is an excellent choice for a start. The smoothie box is pre-packed with spiced ginger, zippy lime, spinach and crisp apples and pears. You can also opt to add chia seeds for that protein boost. And to add to this, you don’t need to worry about the availability of small pears, they are frozen and packed for your ready use!

Police ‘to stop’ investigating crime

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crime scene tape

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Swingeing budget cuts and COVID-19 measures could force the police to cease investigating crime, according to a leaked top-level report.

The report, from a multi-agency body called Policing Economics in Norfolk, Ipswich and Suffolk, details how years of budgetary restrictions, government interference and pressures on the police service from COVID-19 could lead to ‘expensive’ crime investigations being halted.

The controversial report – entitled Policing Post-Covid: A new Social Dynamic  –  says cash-strapped police should not have to deal with investigations of crime which are ‘time consuming’, ‘complicated’ and ‘wasteful on resources’.

Instead, police should focus on the existing procedures of arriving late to a scene before handing out crime prevention leaflets, a crime number and retuning to their station to fill out the appropriate reporting forms.

The report outlines how refined protocols could include virtual officers answering FAQs in an updated website, leaving them more time for vital paperwork.

“During Covid, petty crime has rocketed,” states the report. “And in spite of the Prime Minister’s promise of extra officers, the police simply no longer have time to chase down criminals as this creates an intolerable threat of time and cost overruns.”

Under guidelines recommended by the report, police officers will be required:

  • To assess a report of crime for protocol nuisance value
  • To establish a probable cost report
  • Make an assessment of PR value in investigating the alleged crime
  • Risk assess the probability of an investigation of causing offence among minority and/or specialist socio-economic groups

Once a report has been filed, suggests the report, a senior civilian will decide, based on the evidence, whether or not to offer the victim counselling.

“I was afraid something like this might happen,” said a recently retired senior officer who asked not to be named. “Crime, quite honestly, is a pain in the police backside. It simply interferes with day-to-day policing.

“Have you any idea how long it takes, per call out, to verify the ethnicity, faith and gender preferences of every potential victim, witness and suspect in an alleged crime?”

Professor Lorraine Fisher, 34, of the Suffolk Institute of Studies, said: “I hasten to add we were not consulted on this saddening report. The simple matter of fact, however, is the poor old bobby in the beat no longer exists.

“Current policing skills involve creating soothing messages on long telephone queues and directing victims to the website. Leaving the police station in this day and age is expensive, inconvenient and simply not cost-effective.”

Prof Fisher also pointed out that after months of coronavirus lockdown, the courts were so back-logged the chances of prosecuting perpetrators of crime anywhere in the next decade were ‘slim to none’.

Despite numerous attempts by the Suffolk Gazette, no-one at Suffolk and Norfolk Police could be reached for comment.

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Norwich welcomes special Coca-Cola Christmas truck

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Norwich welcomes coke christmas lorry

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

You know it’s nearly Christmas when the fabulous Coca-Cola Christmas Truck comes to your town.

And this year Norwich is proud to welcome a special Norfolk version of the popular attraction because the real one off the road owing to the COVID-19 outbreak.

Delighted local children can’t wait for the trailer to pull into the city centre, playing merry festive jingles through its loudspeaker.

‘Tis the season to be jolly!

The back of the truck will then provide free samples to delighted locals, who will guzzle greedily on the tasty contents.

They may not even notice that it isn’t the real Coca-Cola Christmas Truck.

Norwich City mayor Bubba Spuckler, 35, said: “The arrival of the Coca-Cola lorry really puts Norwich on the map.

“We notice Ipswich is not on the schedule for a visit.”

Residents in Suffolk haven’t got the heart to point out that the Coca-Cola lorry visiting Norwich is, in fact, nothing more than a tractor pulling a wagon of slurry.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Ipswich, said: “Norwich people are full of sh*t anyway, so they’ll enjoy getting stuck in.

“I suppose if you live in the backwater of Norfolk, you’ll do anything to create a little bit of festive cheer once a year.”

The real Coca-Cola Christmas Lorry is going nowhere near Norfolk. In fairness, it’s not coming to Suffolk, either.

But Suffolk people don’t like being bribed by a lorry load of liquid diabetes.

An Apache helicopter really did open fire accidentally in Suffolk

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In a curious case of you really couldn’t make it up, an Apache attack helicopter accidentally opened fire at a Suffolk airbase.

Keen readers of the Suffolk Gazette, the nation’s authority on accurate news reporting, will recall a similar incident a few years ago when the county’s police Apache helicopter accidentally launched a missile at a vicarage.

Click the image to read our original story below…

Our original story by Crime Editor Rob Banks

Now an investigation has been launched after an army Apache fired a round at Wattisham Flying Station, as reported by the BBC.

Army insider Major Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Everyone scoffed when the Suffolk Gazette reported the original story, claiming it was simply made up.

“But this latest incident proves that Apache helicopters do have a tendency to accidentally blow things up.”

It is not known if the police helicopter pilot who accidentally blew up the vicarage in Needham Market had since transferred to the Army.

“Lightening can strike twice,” military observer Steve Walshe. “Or in this case, Sidewinder missiles.”

Joe Biden appeals for calm because it’s time for his nap

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Joe Biden nap
Sleepy Joe Biden (Photo: Gage Skidmore CC BY-SA 2.0)

US Presidential hopeful Joe Biden has appealed for everyone to remain calm so that he can take his nap.

Mr Biden, 77, is concerned there could be civil unrest over the long, drawn-out election counting process, and any trouble might keep him awake.

Spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Mr Biden usually takes 40 winks a few times every day, particularly after meals, which all helps him stay alert – just what he needs to be the leader of the free world.

“If he can hear protests, gunfire, looting and sirens outside, he might not be able to get to sleep.

“So, he has appealed for calm.”

Meanwhile, President Trump continues to stoke up anger by claiming the whole election is a fraud. He wants all counting stopped in those states where he is currently ahead.

“Why should everyone who voted expect to have that vote count?” complained Republican campaigner Steve Walshe.

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Revealed: Donald Trump has written this Christmas list

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The Suffolk Gazette has been leaked a copy of Donald Trump’s Christmas list to Santa, which reveals the ten items the outgoing President wants this festive season.

He scribbled the list on a piece of paper and put it up the chimney in the Oval Office fireplace, but security personnel found it and removed it. We cannot say how it got into our hands.

Here is Mr Trump’s list in full.

1. Dignity Harness (extra large)

The ideal accessory to prevent you from losing your dignity. This item should be worn at all times, or you might end up doing or saying something that makes you look a complete idiot.

2. Abacus

This basic but useful desktop item will help you make sense of numbers. Let’s say, for example, that you cannot get to grips with the votes cast in a particular state. Pennsylvania, maybe. An abacus will help even a half-wit understand that when you add together the number of pieces of paper in a big pile, it usually comes to a larger number than those in a small pile.

3. A good divorce lawyer

Melania (Photo: Whitehouse.gov CC By 3.0 US)

We’re not sure why Mr Trump suddenly feels the need for a good divorce lawyer for Christmas. But anyway, we’re sure someone will present him with one. Maybe not Melania, however.

4. 2020 Review Mug

Despite claiming publicly that the US economy is booming, that the “China virus” is finished, and that the US is riding a huge “red wave”, Mr Trump wants one of these 2020 review mugs for his desk at the Oval office. Presumably where Mr Biden will be able to enjoy it soon.

5. Golf balls

Just in case he soon gets more time on his hands to play his favourite game, Mr Trump has added golf balls to his Christmas list. He tends to lose them (a bit like his dignity and the popular vote).

6. A crate of bleach

Even though he has already had COVID-19, Mr Trump wants to keep drinking bleach every night to stop it from coming back again.

7. New contacts book

Unfortunately, all the numbers in his current contacts book are suddenly becoming unavilable or going unanswered. A new contacts book is needed.

8. How to Speak North Korean book

He does have one new friend, a Mr Kim Jong-un. Mr Trump is eying up hotel and casino deals in North Korea. He just needs to speak the language and the deals are as good as done.

9. Box of Lego

Mr Trump loves to build things. Unfortunately, he never got round to building his Mexican wall, so he has asked for some Lego so he can piece together his own wall whenever he likes.

10. Jar of covfefe

He was perplexed that no-one else seems to have heard of covfefe, which he famously Tweeted about in 2017. Mr Trump has now added it to his Christmas list in the hope that Santa knows what he’s on about.

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Donald Trump graciously admits defeat, congratulates Joe Biden and wishes him well

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President Donald Trump has graciously admitted the US election was entirely fair and that he has been beaten by a better man.

And Mr Trump has openly said the country should get behind the new President and give him all their support.

The reaction from the White House has surprised many, who expected Mr Trump to throw all his toys out of the pram, claim the election was a fraud, that “Sleepy Joe” and his cronies had stolen the result – and he would go to the courts to get the result overturned.

“Yet he has not done anything of the sort,” said US political analyst Lorraine Fisher, 34. “He has been gracious in defeat and shown tremendous humility.”

Meanwhile, Boris Johnson is doing a terrific job, coronavirus has been eliminated, and pigs are flying.

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