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The perfect indoor date night

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With the weather being, well, very wintery now, and Covid-19 is still around causing its usual destruction to almost every part of our lives, not only do we deserve to spend some quality time with the people we love, but we also deserve it to be inside, where it is nice and warm, and there is the opportunity to relax just a little bit.

There is a good chance you have not had much time to spend free with your partner or friends, even if you live with them, but Christmas is very much the time for enjoying each other’s company and quality time, so with that in mind, put aside an evening you can all do (a challenge, we know) and prepare for the perfect indoor date night.

Snug up

Duvet tents are not just for kids; they are absolutely for adults who are tired (or not) of the real world, too – which is why your front room should become a pillow fortress. You are aiming for the feeling that you get when you first get into bed after a long day, but over your whole living room. So, get those duvets combined, accumulate all of the pillows and cushions in the house, and then create something spectacular for your date base.

Get entertained

While there is a good chance many of us would just be happy with the mere prospect of saying in a room-sized bed tent for the whole night as our idea of fun, there is a good chance you might want some entertainment too. Pick your favourite films together, decide on a theme for the night, or make a playlist together you can put on in the background when you chat. There is also a good opportunity here for some card games too!

Grub up

Is any date night complete without food? Absolutely not, and if you happen to be with your other half for the date evening, then why not prepare in advance? A Deliveroo Gift Card from https://www.giftsvouchers.co.uk/gift-cards/deliveroo would make the perfect thing to send to your date to get them excited about date night, especially if the way to their heart is through their stomach! For those who prefer to put an apron on, decide whether you will be cooking in preparation or together, but do not end up falling out about who does the dishes after!

A PowerPoint party

While many of us will almost definitely not equate PowerPoint with a date (we hope), this new trend will be sure to have you laughing your socks off. Perfect for doing with either a bunch of friends or your other half; a PowerPoint party is where a presentation is created on whatever you like and then presented to the room. It can be on the most random or obscure, niche things you love and will guarantee to be a fun, unique evening. What is even better is that for those who are isolating, they don’t have to miss out, as you can also do this socially distanced too!

HMS Belfast recommissioned to menace French fishermen

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HMS Belfast to patrol fishing
They won’t like it up ’em

Britain is bringing HMS Belfast back into service to keep the French out of our fishing waters.

Govt wants gunboat diplomacy to maintain our sovereignty after Brexit.

But he has discovered decades of defence cuts means we have no gunboats.

In a cunning plan, worthy of anything Baldrick came up with in Blackadder, the Prime Minister has ordered HMS Belfast, now a museum piece by Tower Bridge, back into service.

Decommissioned in 1963, the engine room is currently being updated and the 12 six-inch guns greased up in preparation for “giving the French the fright of their lives”.

“Macron’s fishing fleet is in for a shock if it thinks it can hoover up our marine life any more,” claimed a Downing Street insider.

“HMS Belfast will be patrolling our seas ready to blast any filthy feisty Frenchman out of the water.”

But the news has not gone down well in France.

Appropriately named French fisheries minister Madame Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper!

“I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!”

Shopping trolley found at the North Pole

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supermarket trolley
They have been dumped in hedges, canals and gardens across the country – now a supermarket shopping trolley has been found abandoned at the NORTH POLE.

The Lidl trolley is believed to have been stuck in the polar ice and snow for four years.

But mystery surrounds how a lazy shopper got to dump the trolley at the North Pole because he or she was too lazy to take it back to the store.

The trolley, which has begun to sink slowly “nose-first” into the ice, now has the undisputed record for being dumped the furthest away from its shop.

Lidl says the trolley has been identified as originating from its store in Stowmarket, Suffolk and have demanded its return.

It was found at the North Pole by a team of polar explorers from Estonia, who contacted Lidl about their extraordinary find.

“We understand it is about 2,680 miles from Stowmarket to the North Pole, so this trolley has had quite a journey,” expedition leader Aleksander Salumäe said.

“We know people are lazy and can’t be bothered to return trolleys to the supermarket, but this was extraordinary.”

Mr Salumäe, 31, said his team only spotted the trolley because a fearsome polar bear was sniffing around it.

“We had to keep an eye on the bear because it looked hungry and we did not want to become its breakfast.

“Then we spotted the trolley! We hid behind an igloo and waited for the bear to go, then went to have a look. It had the Lidl logo on the bar, so we contacted their headquarters.”

Lidl bosses used the code stamped on the trolley to identify it as originating from the Suffolk store.

Spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “We urge all our customers to return trolleys to our stores once they have finished unloading them.

“We have had them turn up in strange places before, but the North Pole is definitely the strangest.”

Ipswich boss Paul Lambert introduces team-building weekly car boot sales

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car boot sale

Despite sitting third in the League One table, Ipswich boss Paul Lambert has expressed his desire to improve team spirit within the squad on multiple occasions.

As a consequence, the former midfielder has introduced a series of unconventional team-building exercises to the weekly schedule, including a Sunday morning car boot sale at a popular location just off the A12. 

Although the Scot’s suggestion was initially met with a fair amount of resistance, the majority of players are now beginning to embrace the chance to flog their unwanted bric-a-brac.

The Tractor Boys have also been assisted by arch-rivals Norwich, who have donated several items in recent weeks including manager Daniel Farke’s entire prog-rock record collection. The German boss, whose side are 29/10 second favourites to win the division in the Championship odds at Betfair, was more than happy to chip in, but his limited edition Emerson, Lake and Palmer 7″ vinyl currently remains unsold.

The Ipswich Town trestle table, which was decorated in club colours, has attracted plenty of interest from local bargain hunters with a number of items including Emyr Huws’ coal scuttle and Freddie Sears’ Hot Wheels collection having sparked an unexpected bidding war. 

Stephen Ward, who was signed from Stoke in mid-August, has enjoyed the most success so far. The defender has sold several high-ticket items including a brass candelabra, a VHS player and a silk cravat signed by musician Lenny Kravitz. The Irishman managed to raise just shy of £400 throughout November, with all of the proceeds being donated to ‘Cash for Asses’, a local charity which specialises in re-homing Suffolk-based donkeys.

Although some of his teammates have attributed his success at the sales to his natural Irish charm, the 35-year old is a self-confessed Bargain Hunt devotee, and freely admits that he has picked up a variety of techniques from the long-running BBC1 daytime show.

With previous team bonding exercises such as life drawing and crocheting having failed to hit the mark, Lambert will undoubtedly be pleased with the reaction to his latest suggestion.

Kane Vincent-Young, who has recently returned to training following an achilles injury has admitted that he had never previously heard of the concept, however, he’s fully embracing the chance to declutter his conservatory. The 24-year old has even suggested the idea to a handful of his former Colchester United teammates.

Following a three-match winless run, Ipswich got back to winning ways on December 5th at Home Park, Plymouth. During his post-match press conference, Lambert highlighted the increased togetherness and unity within the squad. The 51-year old told reporters that “being huddled around a wonky trestle table on a windy Sunday morning has undoubtedly helped my players to bond”, before going on to add that it has also instilled “some much-needed healthy competition” within the camp.

Ipswich aren’t the only League One side to eschew traditional training sessions in favour of more unconventional methods. Fleetwood manager Joey Barton has recently sent his players litter picking, whilst Portsmouth boss Kenny Jackett regularly asks his squad to shadow local morris dancing troupes. 

It remains to be seen whether the Suffolk club will continue this practice throughout 2021, however, on current evidence, it appears to be working. The players are clearly relishing the opportunity to have a decent clearout, and the Ipswich fans have enjoyed the chance to rifle through the unwanted belongings of their footballing heroes.

You won’t find these at a car boot

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Sudbury to be rebranded as Vegas-on-the-Stour

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Sudbury town centre
Sudbury town centre in Suffolk

Ambitious plans have been announced to transform the sleepy Suffolk market town of Sudbury into a leisure and entertainment mecca to rival Las Vegas.

Often called “The Jewel of the Stour Valley”, in recent years Sudbury has started to lose some of its lustre, something the initiative backed wholeheartedly by Suffolk County Council hopes to reverse.

The plan, which is anticipated to be put into action as soon as 2029, will see large areas of the town demolished to make way for a number of super casinos and an 80,000 seater entertainment centre. The latter will be located where the Quay Theatre currently stands and will represent a considerable increase in its current 125-seat capacity.

Viva Las Sudbury!

Other features that are hoped will draw in visitors not just from East Anglia but from across the world will be half-size recreations of both the Hanging Gardens of Babylon and Pompeii before its devastation in 79AD.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, Gurney, a councillor for the Great Cornard ward, told reporters at the press launch of the proposals: “Up until now, the major draw for visitors to Sudbury has been the twice-weekly market along with the chance to see the birthplace of Thomas Gainsborough.

“While these are undoubtedly appealing to certain sectors of society, they will be knocked into a cocked hat by the attractions we have planned.”

Las Vegas
Las Vegas in Nevada (Photo: Google)

The announcement has received mixed reactions from Sudbury residents whose opinions have been canvassed. Car parking is an obvious issue with the feeling that it’s often hard enough to find a space in the town even without the additional 3 million visitors projected to arrive each year.

Standing room only

It also seems like the 237, 700, 751 bus services will be overwhelmed by the influx of visitors, with probably no seats available for anyone attempting to board in Glemsford or Long Melford.

Many local residents have expressed scepticism as to whether there really is even a need for casinos in Sudbury. One gentleman, Roger Scoffit, has written to the Suffolk Free Press. He claimed that, while land-based casinos have their place in certain locations, when people want to find casinos in Sudbury they generally turn to an article by Bonusfinder UK, where they can easily identify the online casinos offering the best bonuses and offers.

He added: “Moreover, I can play from the comfort of my Borley home without having to dress up in my Sunday best as if I was heading into the bright lights of Ipswich for the night.”

Restaurateurs are also concerned that their trade may be affected when resort hotels offering international cuisine 24 hours a day become a feature of the town. One, who asked to remain anonymous, has gone on the record as saying that this could make the last earthquake to hit the town’s restaurant scene, the opening of the McDonalds on the Chilton Industrial Estate, seem like a storm in a teacup.

So, it seems like there may be many obstacles to overcome before everyone gives the green light to the plans. But rest assured that the more forward-thinking Haverhill will be keen to seize on the opportunity if a new location is required.

Get your Christmas gifts here

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Christmas saved as Santa receives COVID vaccine

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Children across Britain can look forward to Christmas now because Santa has been vaccinated against COVID-19.

Father Christmas was secretly the first person to get his vaccine shot, ahead of the much-publicised Margaret Keenan.

But health officials kept it quiet so non-believers were not offended that he had jumped the queue.

The Suffolk Gazette can reveal Santa flew into Suffolk to receive his shot at a secret location. His doctor urged him to get the vaccine as he is now of a certain age – and slightly overweight.

Medic Dr Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It is a great relief, particularly for children everywhere, that Father Christmas will be fit and well, and undertaking his busy delivery schedule on Christmas Day.

“There were fears that he would be self-isolating in Lapland but now, thanks to Pfizer, Christmas is saved.”

An insider at the vaccination centre said Santa had been very brave.

“He rolled up his red sleeve with a ‘Ho, ho, ho’ and chatted to the team as the injection went in.

“He will now remain fit as a fiddle for Christmas.”

Suffolk Gazette Christmas gifts

You can help Santa out by getting the Suffolk Gazette to send you some Christmas gifts. Our mug selection from Dirty Old Goat is splendid. They make ideal gifts, and come with free handles and everything. Visit the online mugs shop or purchase below. We deliver via Royal Mail, letting Santa get on with sorting out the kids’ presents.

Matt Hancock blames pub trade for snow

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Dog in snow

Health Secretary Matt Hancock has blamed yesterday’s snowfall on the pub and hospitality trade.

He warned of further clampdowns on pubs to make sure the snow does not spread any further.

Hancock’s spokeswoman, Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “We have all pulled together and been through so much to stop the snow.

“But still it came out of the sky yesterday. Quite clearly this is because a few people went to well-managed, safe pubs, rather than rubbing shoulders with hundreds of people all touching the products in Primark.

“We have no choice but to close pubs for the whole of winter, and probably into spring, in case it snows again.”

Pub landlord Steve Walshe responded: “This is sledging of the highest order.

“We get blamed for everything.”

Hurry and order Christmas gifts now

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5 tools that will help run your small business more effectively

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Running a small business

As a small business owner, you wear many hats—and not just to make a fashion statement. We don’t have to tell you how much work it takes to keep your company running like a well-oiled machine. Thankfully, there are a ton of great tools you can use to make your life easier and your business stronger.

Take a look at these five useful tools that can make your small business better.

#1 Communication channels

Once upon a time, email revolutionized the workforce. Nowadays, there are simpler, more efficient, and ultimately better options available for internal communication. Consider utilizing an internal communication service like Slack to connect with your team more easily. Here’s how:

  • Direct messaging options for either one-on-one conversations or small groups
  • File sharing capabilities, from Google Drive, Dropbox, and more
  • The ability to create unlimited channels with specific purposes
  • Opportunities for morale-boosting fun; consider making a social channel for non-work-related messages or hosting a silly contest once a week

#2 Project management platforms

If you still rely on a planner and sticky notes to keep your to-do list in order, we have news for you: there are tools that make project management so much more efficient. Monday is one service among many that makes it easy to prioritize projects, delegate tasks, and guarantee that you never miss a deadline. Plus, it’s great for getting your team on the same page.

#3 Optimised payroll services

If you don’t remember much from your freshman year “Intro to Accounting” course, don’t worry. The right tools can help you keep payroll, taxes, and expenses organized and accounted for (no pun intended). If you’re still using a spreadsheet to manage invoices or track your employees’ hours, switching to a payroll service will revolutionize your workflow.

Whether payday is once a week or once a month, payroll is a never-ending task. As great as getting paid is, having to cut checks can feel like a chore. Not only will using business payroll services save you from facing scores of administrative nightmares, but it’ll also save your employees from the stress of wondering when (and sometimes if) their payment is coming.

Payroll management

#4 Strategic marketing services

Attracting customers and acquiring new clients is essential for any company. And while we all recognize bad marketing when we see it, it’s not quite as easy to generate good ideas ourselves.

There’s an undeniable art to marketing. Devising a successful marketing strategy can be difficult for people who haven’t dedicated their careers to the trade. If you don’t want to hire a professional marketing team, there are still plenty of services you can use to help increase your visibility, including:

  • Email marketing tools like Mailchimp
  • Website creation platforms with blog functionality
  • SEO monitoring services, including SerpStat

#5 Streamlined hiring platforms

You want the best employees for your team, but sometimes the right candidates are nowhere to be found. If you want to hire top talent, you’ll need to do more than post an ad in the newspaper or whatever the Internet equivalent of hanging a “Help Wanted” sign in the window is. Job boards are a great place to start, but you should also consider utilizing a hiring platform like JazzHR. Doing so will allow you to:

  • Post detailed position descriptions
  • Easily access and search through high-quality applicant pools
  • Rank and track candidates in a streamlined system
  • Create a consistent experience for all potential employees
  • Correspond with applications and set up interviews

This way, you’ll be able to focus on the candidate in front of you, not the job search logistics. Plus, first impressions are important, so using HR software will show potential hires that your company is organized from the moment they click “See More” on your job description.

Smooth sailing from here on out

Whether you decide to use one or all of the tools above, you’re going to notice your small business operating more efficiently. It might take a little time to learn how to integrate these resources into your everyday workflow but doing so will pay off when you start seeing better results with less time and effort.

Just because it’s a small business doesn’t mean you can’t achieve big things.