Monday, June 30, 2025
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Read the Norfolk Valentine’s Day poem

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By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

The Suffolk Gazette has commissioned a special Norfolk Valentine’s Day poem from esteemed Poet Laureate Lorraine Fisher, 34.

And now we have the sweet, romantic masterpiece back and are publishing it today for romantics everywhere.

I’m from Norfolk,
And I’m feeling randy.
Fancy a shag?
Love your Uncle Andy.

Literary critic Steve Walshe said the poem was an exquisite piece of work.

He said: “Thank you to the Suffolk Gazette for bringing this new masterpiece to the British public.

“I think everyone will relate to its beautiful content – especially people in Norfolk.”

Ms Fisher, who was only appointed Poet Laureate by the Queen last week, said: “I consider this my greatest piece of work.”

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How will this year’s Cheltenham Festival compare with normal times?

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Cheltenham racecourse

It’s fair to say that the 2021 Cheltenham Festival will be far from normal. There will be a distinct hollowness to proceedings in terms of atmosphere, with the familiar ‘Cheltenham Roar’ a mere memory to be conjured as we watch the action unfold on our TV screens at home.

There will be no clamour for tickets and a chance to see horse racing’s biggest stars in action, but rather the only available seat will be your sofa or favourite armchair. 

It’s strange to think that it’s been almost a year since the last Cheltenham Festival, which was ostensibly the last major spectator sporting event to be held in the UK. Yes, the coronavirus pandemic has taken its toll on the sporting world, and although for a brief period in the autumn fans were allowed back into sports stadiums, the spread of new more infectious variants of the virus have ensured that we are confined to our living rooms as far as watching live sport is concerned. 

The Cheltenham Festival is one of the country’s greatest spectator events — one of those sporting occasions where the occasion itself transcends the sporting action that actually plays out. For those who see Cheltenham as a great day out and a chance to socialise and discuss the Cheltenham races odds, they will cope with the fact that this year’s Festival looks set to be held behind closed doors. But it is the sport’s hardcore fanbase that will suffer most from not being able to attend the Prestbury Park meeting.

All is not lost, of course. While the Festival will be robbed of its spectator presence and vibrant atmosphere for this year, there is still a sense in which we must be thankful that it is taking place at all. Governing bodies, not just in horse racing but across all elite sport, have worked wonders to implement protocols to ensure that events can be run safely for those taking part. When you think about it, it’s a real blessing that we will be able to tune in for four days of world class racing action.

There is plenty to play for, and you can bet that none of the owners, trainers or jockeys involved will be treating the upcoming Cheltenham Festival as a diminished event. The prizes on offer are among the most prestigious the horse racing calendar can boast, and all efforts will be geared towards success at Cheltenham, whether it’s the Champion Hurdle, Queen Mother Champion Chase, or the coveted Gold Cup. If the Cheltenham tips are anything to go by, we’re in for a cracking four days.

Many point to last year’s Cheltenham Festival as a mistake, in terms of the fact that mass gathering should, in hindsight, have been stopped well before the meeting took place. But there is still a strong yearning among sports fans to return to those kinds of scenes. 

Hopefully, things will be completely different in 12 months’ time, and we’ll be back to the kind of packed-house Cheltenham we all know and love. For now, the stands may be empty, and the echoes of voices shouting and hooves thundering over soft turf will ring out around a sports venue that will never have looked larger or more cavernous.

But although the surroundings will be different this year, the heart-stopping action that defines this historic sporting occasion will not be dimmed.

The year is 2040 and Marcus Evans FINALLY sacks Paul Lambert

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Paul Lambert finally sacked
Paul Lambert, 70, is given his marching orders

Ipswich Town owner Marcus Evans has waited until the end of the 2039/40 season to finally sack manager Paul Lambert.

With the once formidable club now languishing in the bottom half of the Eastern Counties League, Lambert, 70, has been given the boot.

Evans hopes that the remaining 36 season ticket holders will renew in time for next season with the promise of a new manager at the helm.

The former owner of the Marcus Evans Group, which ceased trading back in 2025, has come up with a cunning five-year-plan to get Ipswich back into the main football league.

He maintains there are green shoots for all to see – and that he intends to turn frustrations to celebrations.

But most of all, he is looking for a buyer to take the club, knocked out of the FA Cup in the 1st qualifying round just weeks ago, off his hands.

With debts of £450 million, the club, which used to play at Portman Road but now borrows a pitch from Chantry High School, will not be attractive to investors.

In a statement today, the club said: “We would like to thank Paul Lambert for his 23 years service with the club, and wish him well in the future.”

Fans said the manager should have been sacked 19 years ago when Ipswich were in midtable of League One, with plenty of time for a new manager to come in and salvage a promotion push.

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Jackie Weaver to front Downing Street COVID briefings

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Jackie Weaver will bring some long-awaited clarity to the Government’s COVID briefings, it has emerged.

The unlikely internet star, who caused a sensation in the video of Handforth Parish Council’s Zoom meeting, will give honest, straightforward statements from Downing Street.

Borish Johnson signed up Jackie after being impressed with her ability to keep things under control.

But Health Minister Matt Hancock is furious, shouting to anyone who will listen (that’s nobody) that Jackie Weaver “has no authority here”.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, a Downing Street advisor, said Ms Weaver would “take no prisoners” and be a breath of fresh air.

“Her calm, reassuring demeanour will mean our key COVID messages at Downing Street press conferences will be understood by all.

“She won’t take any crap from Hancock, Gove or any other jumped-up politician.”

Ms Weaver will begin the COVID briefings, flanked by health officials, on Friday.

Her amazing performance in the Handforth Parish Council meeting was reported recently by the Suffolk Gazette.

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Best games featuring Anubis: Egyptian God of Mummification and the Afterlife

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Anubis, the Ancient Egyptian god depicted as a man with a jackal-like head, has remained as one of the most famous deities of Egypt throughout the ages. He is the god of mummification and the afterlife. One of his key roles was to weigh the hearts of souls to decide whether they were allowed to enter the realm of the dead.

Today, thousands of years after his supposed existence, Anubis features in many books, movies, and video games of popular culture. Here are the best games in which Anubis appears.

Anubis II

Despite the name, Anubis II is not a sequel. The 2005 action video game from UK game developer Data Design Interactive is set in Ancient Egypt. It is available for PlayStation 2, Wii, and Microsoft Windows.

You get to control Anubis in his quest to lift the curse of the pharaohs. When using the Wii remote, Anubis can perform some fantastic moves, such as swinging his Sceptre of Ra and throwing canopic bombs. If you are a fan of Egypt-themed video games, Anubis II is a fun one to play.

Book of Dead

Anubis does not only feature in video games. He can also be found in the fantastic slot game called Book of Dead, named after the Ancient Egyptian funerary text that was placed in the coffins or burial chambers of the deceased.

The Book of Dead slot game is the third title in the Rich Wilde series. The adventurer previously appeared in the Aztec Idols and Pearls of India games. In this slot, Rich Wilde heads to the Giza pyramids of Egypt, where Anubis has opened the gates to the underworld.

Spelunky 2

Spelunky 2 received much critical acclaim upon its release in 2020. The platform game involves controlling Ana, the daughter of the explorer featured in the first Spelunky game. As Ana, you must navigate deadly caves and battle hostile monsters and traps in order to collect treasures.

Along the way, you will come across The Temple of Anubis. Inside, you will find Anubis himself sitting dormant on his throne. When you get close to him, the deity awakes, and you must fight Anubis to take his sceptre.

Scribblenauts Unlimited

The fourth title in the Scribblenauts series is a puzzle sandbox game in which you control the protagonist Maxwell as he travels through an open world environment to collect Starites. Scribblenauts Unlimited is more adventure-based than the previous titles in the series.

You get to traverse through different themed areas and accept various challenges along the way. One of the many foes you will come across is Anubis. Other than the game’s pharaohs and mummies, Anubis is hostile to all other creatures. You can either face him head-on or run away if you do not feel like you are up to the challenge of taking on a god. Scribblenauts Unlimited was released in 2012. In 2013, the game won the Pocket Gamer Awards’ Best Casual/Puzzle Game category.

Persona 5

The sixth instalment in the Persona series of games, which are part of the wider Megami Tensei franchise, was released in 2016. Persona 5 soon became cited as one of the greatest role-playing video games of all time. It takes place in modern-day Tokyo and follows a student called Joker. He and other students gain special powers and they form a group of secret vigilantes called the Phantom Thieves of Hearts.

The group then explores the supernatural realm known as the Metaverse to steal malevolent intent from adults’ hearts. Along the way, they encounter Anubis. If you manage to execute Anubis by electric chair in the Velvet Room, you obtain a Makouha skill card, which will come in very handy on the rest of your journey.

Police seize Norfolk Valentine’s Day cards

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By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Police have seized a huge consignment of vile Valentine’s Day cards designed specifically for the incestuous Norfolk market.

The wording on the cards for loving couples clearly supported illegal family member relationships in the county.

Norfolk valentines day card

While it is widely known that such behaviour is rife in Norfolk, authorities there prefer to sweep it under the carpet.

But when Suffolk Police got wind that the cards were being made in Lowestoft, they decided to take action and carried out a dawn raid.

Sexual crimes officers were horrified when they burst into Norfolk Bumpkin Greetings Ltd, where the wording on 4,000 recently printed Norfolk Valentine’s Day cards clearly broke the law.

One card said: “Happy Valentine’s Day to the most gorgeous, amazing, brilliant, wonderful sexy uncle I could ever wish for xxx.”

Another read: “To my sexy sister. Thinking of you on this special day x.”

A Suffolk Police spokesman told the Suffolk Gazette: “This sort of relationship with your uncle may be acceptable behaviour on the Norfolk map, but here in Suffolk it is clearly a crime, and therefore unheard of.

“As the cards were being made in Suffolk – albeit close to the Norfolk border – we had no option but to act fast.”

It transpires Norfolk Bumpkin Greetings Ltd is run by a couple originally from Norfolk. Edna Spratt and her brother Bubba moved to Lowestoft with their nine children in 2009 when their turnip crop failed.

Police say a 39-year-old woman and a 36-year-old man from Lowestoft will appear before the town’s magistrates on Monday, charged with outraging public decency.

Deciding how to plan for your retirement? Check out these pension pros and cons

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We are continually being told that planning for our retirement is essential. However, only by deciding yourself that a particular pension is worthwhile will you wholly commit to pension planning. To help you make the right decision, here are some advantages and disadvantages of a standard pension. 

Pension pros

1. Compound Interest

One of the main advantages of putting money into a pension is that it benefits from compound interest growth. You will accrue interest on the savings you make, and over time this interest will itself accrue compound interest. 

So, the sooner you get started saving for your pension, the more chance your pension has for compound growth. For example, during the second year of your investment, you’ll receive interest on the initial sum invested. You’ll receive interest on the initial sum plus the interest from the first year in year two, and so on. This compound growth continues for the life of your investment.

1. Tax Relief

Perhaps the most significant advantage of a pension is that your contributions receive tax relief. For workplace pensions, your contributions are taken from your salary before tax is deducted. So, you only pay tax on the amount of salary remaining after you’ve paid your pension contributions.

If you are paying into a private pension, you’ll have already paid Income Tax on your earnings before making pension contributions. However, you can claim the tax you paid on these contributions from the government. If you pay tax at the basic rate, you can claim 20%. So for every £80 you pay, £100 will go into your pension. For higher rate taxpayers, you will need to claim the tax through an annual tax return to HMRC.

Savings from pension investments tend to be higher than from other investments such as ISAs. For instance, despite the interest you get from an ISA being tax-exempt, the money you put into it has already been taxed. So, pensions are an incredibly tax-efficient means of investing for your retirement. 

3. Employer Contributions

Being enrolled in a workplace pension means that you will receive contributions from your employer. Typically, your employer will contribute 3% of your gross income to your pension pot. This amount is on top of the 5% that is automatically taken in from your gross salary. 

4. Provides a Guaranteed Income

When you retire, you can purchase an annuity, which will provide you with a guaranteed income. Annuities can be tailored to provide a fixed income, one that increases at a set percentage rate each year, or one that rises in line with inflation. 

Other than purchasing an annuity, another option is to draw income from your pension while it remains invested. Choosing this option means that your pension still has the potential to grow and provide you with an income. 

Pension Disadvantages

1. Challenging to Understand

Pensions are such a critical aspect of our financial lives, but many people put off planning them, and one of the reasons for this is that they can be quite challenging to understand. Even if you’ve prepared early for your retirement, as you approach your retirement age, you have to make decisions about your pension options. 

Will you take a 25% tax-free lump sum? Taking this option will reduce the amount that you have in your pot to provide a regular income. How about buying an annuity? Buying one, you will need to decide whether you want a fixed income or one that rises annually. 

Ultimately, the option you choose for accessing your pension will depend on your circumstances. It is certainly worth putting some thought into what you will do, and you may want to consult with a regulated financial advisor to help with this decision. 

2. Restricted Access

One of the significant disadvantages of a pension is that access to your funds is restricted. Since 2015, access to pensions has been relaxed, and you can now access your funds from the age of fifty-five. However, this is still a long time to go without having access to your money. For this reason, many people prefer to invest in ISAs for their retirement, as they have much easier access to their money. 

3. Potentially Poor Returns

Your pension fund gains its growth by being invested in the stock market. As it is invested for such a long time, there is a high probability that there will be several shifts in the economy during its investment lifetime. So there is an element of risk with pensions, as there is with all investments.

However, pension investments’ longevity does mean that there is plenty of time for your pension fund to recover if it does suffer some setbacks. Moreover, if the stock market does fall, you will be able to buy more shares with the money going into your pension pot. 

The risk of your pension underperforming is mitigated by the time you have your money invested. However, as you approach retirement age, the risk increases, so you may want to consider moving your money into lower-risk investments. 

Conclusion

There are many things to consider regarding your pension, which can make them challenging to understand and make decisions about them. Hopefully, this brief article outlining a pension’s pros and cons will help you decide what’s best for you. Before looking at options for your pension, consider using a regulated adviser like Portafina or, have a read of the information over at The Money Advice Service.

Lewis Hamilton forces Mercedes to power F1 cars with cabbages

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Lewis Hamilton

Lewis Hamilton has finally agreed to race for Mercedes F1 next season, but only after the team agreed to run its cars on cabbages.

The British racing star is famous for his concerns about the environment.

He decided he could no longer be seen driving around in circles in a car that does about six miles to the gallon.

To secure his signature for another season, the Mercedes F1 team had to reluctantly agree to develop an engine that runs on cabbages.

They have kept their new environmentally-friendly Grand Prix car under wraps, and it is not known how well it will perform.

Mercedes insider Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “What we can tell you is that we do not use white cabbages to fuel the car, because Lewis felt that was not diverse enough.

“And Savoy cabbages were ruled out because they sound too posh. Lewis likes to think he comes from a poor background in Stevenage.

“Instead, we have developed the engine to run on red cabbages, as not even he can argue with that while he relaxes in his Monte Carlo home.”

The cabbage car will debut when the F1 season starts in Bahrain on March 28.

“It will be quite hot in Bahrain,” said Ms Fisher. “So you wouldn’t want to be following our cabbage car because it might pong a bit.”

Hamilton will be gunning for his record-setting eighth world championship title, but the first driving an F1 car powered by a vegetable.

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