Sunday, May 11, 2025
Home Blog Page 120

New greengrocers opened ‘Porno Fruit’ shop

The Editor
-
0
New greengrocers opened ‘Porno Fruit’ shop
New greengrocers opened 'Porno Fruit' shop

New Suffolk-based GreenGrocers is cashing in on man’s inability to stop thinking about sex and food with its new range of naughtily-labeled fruit-based goods.

Melons, plums, peaches, and bananas. All of them have played their part in the ‘love industry’. Since under-endowed cavemen and cave-lezzers first discovered ‘yellow tree dicks’ hanging from yellow dick trees in 0 BC (Before Cucumbers).

Ex-Anne Summers shop manageress, Lorraine Fisher – 34 told this publication: ”I know from working in the love industry for over 15 years that what most people are thinking about when they are doing their weekly shop. Specially men, gays, and lezzers – is sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. So, Pornofruit is here to give them what they really, really want.” 

String bra bags

Asked to describe some of the fruity fruit seller’s fruity fruit products, fruity Feelgood reeled off a list: “Our best seller is the classic banana which has transitioned into a ‘yellow tree dick’. Straight, bent, it makes no difference to us.

We are an AC/DC outlet. Then there are the melons – ‘Suck-tatas’ – which come in all sizes. We find that most of our male customers prefer the big, firm ones. We also sell branded brasiers which are handy for taking a couple home in. Being against food waste, our strawberries, ‘trans-glans’, also come in various shapes and sizes. We do not discriminate against mishappen examples. You should have seen my ex-husband’s!”

GreenGrocers employee testimony

Taking off her blouse as she warmed to her subject, the flaunty greengrocers manageress explained how:

“In our flagship Saxmundham store, we always have a few specimen products available for customers to feel, touch, massage, or caress. Just to get them in the mood. We’ve learned that this increases sales by around 69%.”

Greengrocers Pornofruit is planning to expand its range later in the year to include vegetables. Its first non-fruit product will be the food-filth classic – the cucumber. Asked what name the sexy salad ingredient will be given, luscious Lolita replied. “The new range is still in the development stage, but we are thinking of going with, ‘big, fat green fruits’.”

UK Police unveil crime-fighting Tuk Tuks

The Editor
-
0
UK Police unveil crime-fighting Tuk Tuks
UK Police unveil crime-fighting Tuk Tuks
Police Tuk Tuk

Great Britain, the land of hope and glory! To introduce ‘crime fighting Tuk Tuks’ onto the streets of our lawless towns and cities.

The birth place of democracy, industry, social security, the train, and Mecca Bingo. Home to Sir Walter Raleigh, Horatio Nelson, Isambard Kingdom Brunel, The S.A.S. Frank Bruno, and Torville & Dean – icons of Great Britishness on whose shoulders giants long to stand.

Tuk Tuks will end the crime

So what better way to undermine that legacy, and destroy what little self respect remains of this once TRULY GREAT island nation of ours.

Is this really the best we can do?

Fly away on my Zephyr

How sad that gone are the days of the Peelers’ Ford Zephyrs and Zodiacs zooming across the nation, hunting down pathetic criminals attempting to escape on foot or bicycle. And how distant are the memories of the speeding Rovers and Sierras, blazing on blue lights like crime busting comets, hurtling through the night skies over round about and level crossings in pursuit of terrified cat burglars and glue-sniffing punk rockers?

All that is finished. Over. Like a perfect dream ruined by the un welcome alarm of an involuntary fart.

Sorry Britain

So now, like children leaving Toys’R’Us with an unwanted, overpriced, low-quality, plastic toy ride-on, our once muscular and effectual policemen and women, are reduced to wheeling themselves up and down the litter-strewn pavements of modern. Sorry Britain, dinging a bicycle bell, waving at grown ups, and play acting at law enforcement.

Milkmen may be deterred, but not the sniggering crooks, vandals, drug dealers, gangsters, rapists, and murderers. Who un likely to surrender their substantial speed advantage. Will go about their daily crimes – utterly undeterred.  

Not so much Tuk Tuk as Tut Tut.

Why Now is a better time than ever to be an iGamer

The Editor
-
0
Why Now is a better time than ever to be an iGamer
Why Now is a better time than ever to be an iGamer

iGaming has enjoyed tremendous growth over the last decade, and improvements and advancements in technology have meant that iGames have become immersive, giving players a sense of being part of the game. During the pandemic, this meant that people restricted to their homes had an outlet for their spare time and enjoyed exploring all the features that the designers have put into the games. It also meant that the popularity soared, and there is no sign of this growth slowing down. The increased popularity and the advancements in technology drive one another, making this an even better time than ever to get involved.

Increasing Competition

When any industry proves to be profitable, there is a rush of new players entering the sector. This means that the number of operators offering eye gaming has increased, as well as the games you can play, and the bonuses offered to try and attract new business. Gambling laws in the US have also added to the growth, with established names and newcomers to the arena all vying for more business. It is now not unusual to see massive welcome offers such as a 400% deposit bonus, giving players the freedom to cherry-pick what works best for them.

Software Developer Working Harder

This increasing competition also means that software developers are working harder to ensure that the games they are bringing to market are high-end and attractive to players. Graphics have vastly improved in the last decade whether you are playing on a desktop, console, or even mobile phone. One of the first words in software development is immersive, and they are looking for ways to make the players feel like they are part of the game and actually there within the action.

Technologies Make iGaming More Accessible

One of the potential downsides of such immersive games is the size and power they require to run. However, cloud-based computing has now reached a point where almost anything can run from the cloud. This means that the devices the end user or game player have do not need to be as powerful, making them more affordable. Games can be stored and run from the host service and accessed and played no matter where you are or what device you have. Previously games would need to be limited to the hardware capabilities of specific devices, and cloud-based computing is doing away with that issue meaning developers can really go to town, and size no longer matters.

In Short, Now is a Great Time!

When you consider all the above and add to that the advancements in other technology areas, such as virtual reality and augmented reality, as well as the introduction of 5G, it is easy to see why iGaming has exploded and is so accessible to all. No matter what type of game you enjoy playing, or the media from which you play, now is a great time to experience the world of iGaming firsthand.

New Series of Squid Game starts today

The Editor
-
0
New Series of Squid Game starts today
New Series of Squid Game starts today

New series of Squid Game starts in UK. It’s child’s play. Just stay in office for over 44 days and you will win £2,427.5 billion in UK government debt!

Yes, that’s the simple task facing PM-in-waiting, number-juggler, Dishi Rishi Sunak. £2,427.5 billion is, of course, the same as 2.4 TRILLION pounds of debt. Wow. Well done to all past governments of both parties. Thanks for telling us you were doing that. No wonder they count it in billions – it makes it sound like a smaller number – not.

New series of Squid Game “QUID” characters

Unlike main character, Seong Gi-hun from hit Netflix series ‘Squid Game’, who only had to:  play a deathly version of statues in ‘Red Light, Green Light’, compete in a suicidal ‘Tug of War’, and step precariously from one death-defying stepping stone to the next in the ‘Glass Tile Game’, Sunak faces a genuinely New Series of Squid Game, formidable task – don’t get knifed in the back by your own Party!

Many have attempted this daunting challenge in the recent past but found it impossible to complete. Johnson, Truss, Kwarteng etc.

Here is the full list of New Series of Squid Game AKA ‘Quid Game’ challenges facing Sunak:-

Recruiter’s Game:

‘Nasty Nomination’ – Get 100 people to pretend to like you.

Round 1:

‘The Penny Problem’ – Offer Penny Mordaunt a good enough job to get her to pull out of the race.

Round 2:

‘Royal Contempt’ – Be invited to form a government by King Charles III without him mumbling shit talk about you as he does it.

Round 3:

‘The Numbers Game’ – publish a mini-budget without the markets going apeshit.

Round 4:

‘Poor Pals’ – make some friends from the working class.

Round 5:

‘The Chequered Tile Game’ – Survive in office for 45 days before retiring to Chequers for the weekend.

Final Round:

‘Quid Game’ – Pull 2.4 trillion quid out of your ass to pay off the national debt.

The New Series of Squid Game AKA ‘Quid Game’ begins on all major news channels TODAY!

Lion King’s Rafiki hits rock bottom in Ipswich

The Editor
-
0
Lion King’s Rafiki hits rock bottom in Ipswich
Lion King’s Rafiki hits rock bottom in Ipswich

They say fame is fickle. If there was ever any doubt, just ask former Hollywood Disney A-lister, Rafiki, star of 90s box-office smash and children’s favourite – The Lion King.

In the movie, Rafiki plays a scatty mandrill, mentor to young lion cub, Simba. He advises Simba on his journey towards becoming king of his pride, and restoring the circle of life to his endangered homelands. But the movie business is as harsh and unforgiving as the African Savanna. One minute you are riding high, a star! Your name in lights, a VIP guest at the Oscars. Next, you are living in a hole in the ground in a poorly-maintained backyard shelter in Ipswich, England.

Riches to rags

Rafiki’s story is a sad, yet all too common tale of booze, birds, and bad behaviour. After the heydays of the Lion King and its follow-up. The Lion King II: Simba’s Pride, Rafiki’s career hit the skids. Typecast as he was (there are only so many cartoon Mandrill roles in Hollywood), the movie offers dried up. A few TV appearances and a failed attempt at a pop career (a drum’n’bass version of ‘I Wan’na Be like You (The Monkey Song)’ which peaked at 71 on the Billboard chart) led to controversy after controversy as the substance-powered downward spiral took hold, followed by the inevitable fall from grace.

Rafiki’s bottom

The final straw for his once adoring public was when cops discovered him high as a kite, trying to break into the Lions’ enclosure at Los Angeles zoo in search of, in his words “Simba’s millions”, a reference to the disparity between the wealth and success of his old co-star and his own dire straits. Rafiki had hit rock bottom.

Watership Down but not out

Fortunately, a fellow actor, UK animal movie veteran, Hazel (Watership Down) had heard about Rafiki’s plight. Hazel had also struggled after his initial fame. Booze, tax problems and a nasty brush with Myxomatosis left him penniless and living in a shelter (hutch) for struggling cartoon animal actors in Ipswich, UK.

Kind-hearted Hazel, reached out to Rafiki and invited him to come to the Suffolk and join the collective of other 1970’s cartoon actors who had hit hard times, Rupert Bear, Captain Pugwash, and Mr Ben among them. The reclusive community of cartoon has-beens has little contact with the outside world, and survives on only occasional royalty cheques stemming from their past glories.

We asked Rafiki for comment and received the following short, but poignant reply:

“Hakuna matata.”

British Museum stole our ancient stone – Egypt blamed

The Editor
-
0
British Museum stole our ancient stone – Egypt blamed
British Museum stole our ancient stone - Egypt blamed

The British Museum, located in Bloomsbury, London, is a public museum dedicated to human history, art and culture. Its collection of over EIGHT MILLION works is among the largest and most comprehensive in existence. It was the first, and is still, the best public national museum in the world.

So why is it that the only time you read about it in the press, is when some tiny, unimportant foreign country with no proper history of its own, like Greece, or Egypt for example, accuses it of theft?

French Midget

The Elgin Marbles are from Greece, and the Rosetta Stone is from Egypt. Obviously, Duh! That’s where colonialist Brits stole them from, but what about finders keepers, eh?  And what about, if a sheep walks onto your land then it belongs to you?

British Museum possessions

Well, The marbles and the stone ‘walked’ into British Museum at the start of the 19th Century and they have been quite happy ‘grazing’ here ever since. And BTW, we took the Rosetta Stone off of French midget, Napoleon who had already nicked it from the Egyptians during his invasion of 1798. What about that, eh?

And while we’re on ‘what abouts’… what about ‘diversity’? Why is it that the Brits are supposed to celebrate the ‘diversity’ of having hundreds of thousands of Greek & Egyptian people living in the UK, but when it comes to one or two measly little treasures out of EIGHT MILLION then all of a sudden it’s ‘Repatriation! Repatriation!’ What about that?

Someone Loves Diversity

Speaking as someone who LOVES DIVERSITY, this reporter says… let the stones and marbles stay in the British Museum…

…along with the 7,999,966 other bits we nicked from the rest of the world.

PM Rishi Sunak stole my job, says Lorry Driver

The Editor
-
0
PM Rishi Sunak stole my job, says Lorry Driver
Prime Minister Rishi Sunak stole my job, says Lorry Driver
Bubba Spuckler – 56 “Lorry Driver is apparently not happy with Mr Sunnak!

Diwali day celebrations at Rishi Sunak. Becoming Britain’s first non-white and Hindu Prime Minister were this afternoon. Spoiled by a 56-year-old lorry driver “Bubba Spuckler”. Claiming that he, and not Mr Sunak, should rightfully be the nation’s newest PM.

Sunak, 42, a GP’s son whose Indian grandparents emigrated from Kenya to Britain. Today he became the Prime Minister after his two closest rivals, Boris Johnson and Penny Mordaunt pulled out of the race to lead the Conservatives and the nation.

I didn’t know Bejam was still going!

However, a disgruntled native of Downham Market in Norfolk, Bubba Spuckler (the lorry driver) took to social media to state. “An Indian Prime Minister and a Muslim London Mayor. I told you they’ll come over here and steal our jobs!. Quite how Mr Spuckler’s current position as a lorry driver for Bejam qualifies him as an overlooked contender for Mr Sunak’s new role, he did not make clear.

Buba the Lorry Driver

Nor, did lorry driver, whose Facebook page carries a picture of him wearing faded dungarees without any underclothes. Explain why he thinks he would be suited to run London, a city with a population of 8.8 million diverse citizens and an annual budget of over £638 million.

Horses for courses

This isn’t to say of course that London Mayor, Sadiq Khan who was born in Tooting, South London. Sunak who is from Southampton (both English), would be capable of hauling frozen goods across East Anglia in a 44-tonne articulated lorry (although they probably could.)

The Peter principle

…is a theory put forward by Canadian educationalist, Laurence J. Peter, which suggests that people in a management hierarchy. Who are promoted based on their success in previous jobs, will eventually reach a level at which they are no longer competent, and therefore fail or rise no further. This is due to the truism that skills that apply in one job, do not necessarily translate to another. Liz Truss.

Race to the Prime Minister – Bojo is out

The Editor
-
0
Race to the Prime Minister – Bojo is out
Race to the Prime Minister - Bojo is out now
Rishi Sunak claimed the Throne, Bojo out from the race

Boris is out from the race to the Prime Minister as Rishi Sunak claimed for the Throne as a strong candidate.

Bojo the clown returned to London this week with his lapel flower water squirter fully loaded. Ready to reclaim his oversized shoes. But by the time his squeaky, square-wheeled circus jalopy arrived, the circus had already left town.

Rishi Sunak claimed the Throne

With rival ‘number juggler’, Dishi Rishi Sunak claimed it already and tumbling rapidly towards No.10, pre-loved. Bojo did his best to quickly brush up his tired old act, desperate as he was to avoid being remembered as the ‘shittest showman on earth.’

With tickets to the Sunak Spectacular selling out fast, Bojo and his claque of slapstick goons. Nadine ‘Grimaldi’ Dorries, Michael ‘Mooky’ Fabricant, and Jacob Rees-Mogg (no clown nickname required) were spotted goofballing around Westminster. Tripping over each other and throwing custard pies into each other’s faces as they desperately tried to prank their way back into the big top.

Bojo’s disappointment

But the upside-down smile painted across poor old, Bojo’s face wasn’t for turning. Unable to put bums on seats, and just as foretold in the classic Sondheim weepie, ‘Send in the Clowns’. By the time the saggy old jester had made his entrance, so sure of his lines… no one was there.

So what will perfectly pornographic Penny Mordaunt, the ‘Ringmistress of Risque’ have to say about all this buffoonery? Will she tame the mangy assembly of flea-bitten lions with one ferocious crack of the whip. And step into the spotlight herself, or instead bring harmony to the entire performance with a slo-mo swish of her lovely, lustrous hair and a wank-worthy wink of a big blue-green eye hollering “Send for Dishi Rishi! Send in the King clown!”

Who do you think is the biggest Bozo in the Tory leadership election?

1...119120121...385Page 120 of 385

Just In

Sport

Business

Features

Contact us