Hypersensitive manbaby and Prince of Los Angeles, Harry Windsor, is showing no signs of growing up despite the passing of time.
The touchy ginger, who turned his back on his family after he discovered them to be in league with the devil, has reportedly been pissing and moaning about his evil father’s decision to kick him and wife, Cinderella, out of Frogmore Cottage, their grace and favour five-bedroom mansion within the Windsor Estate.
Repossessed by the Devil
Sinister King Charles made the decision to evict his second, uneeded son after his repeated bitch-slapping of his Queen Consort and bit of country crumpet, Camilla in his malevolent memoir Spare. Reportedly, the Sussexes of Los Angeles have been told to get their shit out by Tuesday of next week.
Putting on a brave face, but unable to conceal his innate immaturity, Harry yesterday marked World Book Day by reluctantly agreeing to pose with a giant copy of his autobiography at a testy photo opportunity organized by the Rohald Dahl Thought Police Association in New York City. Sporting a new comb-over hairstyle, a fresh-faced, yet somewhat grouchy Harold, proceeded to autograph copies of his best-selling book by dipping his thumb into pots of coloured paint and imprinting his mark on the inside covers.
Following a few rounds of ‘Humpty Dumpty’, and an updated version of ‘Jack & Jill’ called ‘Harry & Meghan’ (Harry & Meghan went up the hill to fetch a massive paycheck, Harry fell down and broke his crown, and Meghan came thundering after), the nitpicking Prince, bent his giant book cover in half, stamped his foot, and marched petulantly out of the door.
A man who had his Tesco Clubcard tattooed onto his arm has been branded a fool by his wife.
Brian Pettifer (40) from Long Melford in Suffolk thought it would be a good idea to have the QR code inked into his forearm after he kept forgetting his Clubcard and losing out on points. However, his wife, Sharon, thinks otherwise. She told us “He’s a tit. How much do you think the tattoo cost? £85. EIGHTY-FIVE POUND. And how much has he made back in Clubcard points? £18.25. Tit.”
Brian visits Tesco twice a day during the week, once to buy a meal deal on his way to work, and again to buy fags, chocolate, booze, and dog food on his way home. Despite the regularity of his visits, we calculated that due to the minuscule amount of points awarded for the items on his list (you get nothing for fags), it would take Brian 634 years to recoup the money he wasted spent on the tattoo.
Sharon wasn’t finished
Sharon wasn’t finished and added “No only is he a tit, he’s a bastard as well. He hasn’t got any tattoos of me. Nothin’. Nothin’ what says ‘Sharon forever’, or ‘Shaz & Bri’, or a nice picture of me or nuffin’. Bastard.”
Despite his lack of tattoos of Sharon, Brian, a professional labourer, does have many more spread across his muscular, yet dust-covered body. His upper right arm displays the skeleton of a polar bear which he had done to commemorate a traumatic trip he made to Colchester zoo as a child, while his forearm is ringed with a repeating, meaningless faux Aztec design. His left pectoral muscle is emblazoned with a large picture of a Staffordshire Bull Terrier chewing a baby’s arm, and his neck is imprinted with the name ‘Tina’ (?)
Gormless
Brian doesn’t speak very well due to not having many teeth but we think he said this: “Oi gart me one more tat. Oi gart me moi Nectar bar code tattooed so oi can get Nectar points n’arl.”
Following the controversy caused by American plus-size model and TV presenter, Ashley Graham’s excruciating red carpet OSCAR interview with upper-crust British actor, Hugh Grant, the SUFFOLK GAZETTE presents the great ‘Are you rude or just being British?’ Quiz. Could you handle a banal interrogation from a dumb American celebrity without rolling your eyes or slowly shaking your head in disgust? Answer these simple questions to see if you can cut the British mustard!
When someone sneezes, what is the correct British response?
a) Say ‘bless you’ after each sneeze. b) Say ‘bless you’ after the last sneeze. c) Say nothing and then open a window.
Which of the following phrases are commonly heard in British institutions?
a) My learned friend. b) The right honourable member for Westminster. c) The referee’s a wanker.
When meeting someone for the first time, should a Brit…
a) Offer to shake the stranger by the hand? b) Kiss the stranger on the cheek? c) Stick a blade in the stranger’s belly and take their valuables under threat of being shanked?
In Britain, if your neighbour’s car is regularly parked outside your house rather than their own, should you…
a) Politely mention it and ask if they would be more considerate? b) Park your car outside their house in retaliation? c) Key your neighbour’s car and put letters through all your other neighbours’ letterboxes accusing the car owner of being a drug-dealing paedophile and benefit cheat?
If you are invited to take tea with the Queen, what should you wear?
a) A pearly king or queen outfit. b) Tweed skirt suit with twin set and pearls. c) A pre-loved shell suit formerly owned by Jimmy Saville?
ANSWERS : All the answers are correct! Well done! Now go to America and be rude British!
Would you invite a French rat-catcher with a wrinkled face and bat ears to live alongside your family in your home? Of course you wouldn’t, but that’s exactly what millions of misguided Americans are doing, according to latest news reports.
The French Bulldog, or Bouledogue Français, is a breed of ‘companion’ or ‘toy’ dog designed for superficial celebrities such as; Reese Witherspoon, Lady Gaga and Martha Stewart to parade on TV or while out shopping on Rodeo Drive, California. Now, millions of armoured tanks are following suit and choosing the Parisian pooch as their pointless pet of choice over all other breeds. One in seven of all dogs registered with the Kennel Club of America last year was a ‘Frenchie’.
First bred in Paris in the mid-nineteenth century, the squashed-faced quadrupeds (W.C. ‘animals having four feet’) were originally designed to catch the voluminous rats which infested the squalid, disease-ridden cities of France. Nothing changes.
Paw relations
This reporter spoke to a British Labrador Retriever, formerly America’s favourite dog, until recently deposed by the French pretenders to the throne.
So, Max. You are a gun dog which sounds so much more impressive than a toy dog. What went wrong?
Property, like any venture, comes with a certain level of risk.
Some of these risks may include the following:
Property Price Fluctuations – When you invest in property, you’ll purchase your asset at a certain price with the intention of being able to sell it later for a more considerable amount – which allows you to make capital growth returns on your investment. However, if house prices fall in value, it may be challenging to sell at a price higher than the property’s initial value.
While the property is a relatively stable investment and typically remains quite resilient during economic turbulence, every sensible soon-to-be property investor must consider this risk a possibility.
Rental Market Changes – Property price fluctuations can affect capital appreciation, but rental market changes can affect rental returns. Like how property prices can dip, average rental costs can also decrease due to certain external circumstances (such as your chosen investment area becoming less desirable to live in) and see lower rates of rental demand.
With the rental market in the UK seeing massive levels of demand at the moment, this is unlikely (particularly in popular cities and towns).
However, you must remain mindful that this can affect your investment and ensure you carry out the essential market research to counteract fluctuations.
Research is Key
One of the best ways to minimise any potential risks towards your investment is to research the market in detail before signing on the dotted line.
Why?
Taking the time to find a flourishing property will reduce the chances of a risky investment by ensuring the strong likelihood of high capital growth and rental market growth.
To find the perfect investment, you should consider all the variables.
Look into past market performance, pay attention to whether an area has a large population of young professionals and students (suggests a stable rental market), and keep up to date with future market predictions.
You should also investigate whether any regeneration occurs in the property’s surrounding area, which could further boost growth.
Find The Right Strategy
Many different strategies are available to those who wish to invest in property.
One of the most popular investment strategies is Buy-to-Let.
Buy-to-let investment properties are purchased with the intention of renting out to earn rental income.
The pros of Buy-to-Let are:
You can make large amounts of money over time.
The rental market is currently thriving, meaning there are likely to be excellent investment opportunities on offer.
You can make two types of rental returns – rental income and capital growth. This strategy is likely to have the most appeal for those looking to invest primarily for profitability.
The cons are:
To make a regular profit, you will be reliant on rental income. So, if you experience any void periods with tenants, you may lose a significant amount of money.
If you don’t employ a property management company, maintaining a buy-to-let property can bring about a massive amount of hassle.
Of course, many other strategies may better suit your needs – again, this is where the importance of research comes into play.
Plan a Detailed Investment Budget
Having a budget in place before making any significant decisions is an essential part of the investment process.
After all, you don’t want to use your funds to pay way beyond your means for a property that may have the exact same potential as one worth a fraction of the price.
How do you start planning a detailed property investing budget, and what costs do you need to factor in?
You must consider the following:
The price of the property itself.
The deposit (If using a mortgage).
The monthly repayments (If using a mortgage).
The reservation fee.
Any taxes – i.e. Stamp Duty Tax, Income Tax, Capital Gains Tax.
Insurance (such as rental insurance).
Conclusion
So, now you have some grasp of the basics, should you invest in property?
Despite some recent fluctuations, the property market is most likely one of the most potentially profitable (and growing) ventures to get involved with.
Remember though – research is vital.
You will need to keep up to date with the latest developments and perhaps consult an expert property company to get all you can from your investment!
Is it just me, or do you instantly feel like you’re doing something wrong the moment you walk into a doctor’s surgery?
Health clinics and surgeries are famous for making life difficult for ill people. Simply trying to navigate their automated phone systems to make an appointment is harder than completing the SAS – Who dares wins? induction course, and if you do manage to eventually make an appointment – that’s just the start of the nightmare.
Dead on arrival
Arriving at the surgery is not dissimilar to attending a cremation. You never really know where to sit and every movement of your arm or leg. No matter how minimal, and every utterance, no matter how quietly whispered, feels like you are causing offence.
Whispering your arrival to the receptionist is, unfortunately, not an option,.interred within their soundproof glass-protected reception areas as they are. One must raise one’s voice to a low shout in order.that the entire audience waiting behind you can hear every embarrassing detail about your weeping ass grapes or imminent colostomy bag renewal.
The environment is awkward, oppressive, and unwelcoming – just the way big brother likes it. As you sit there pondering your mortality, ruminating on how many more world cups you are likely to witness, time begins to slow down. The idea of flicking through one of the Covid-drenched magazines spread over the hygienically-dubious coffee table only serves to depress one further. I mean, who is it that visits a parochial doctor’s surgery at 2pm on a Thursday afternoon who can actually afford a TAG Heuer luxury timepiece, or look forward to watching polo with the great and the good as promoted in what’s left of last Februaries ‘Hello’ magazine?
There’s only one thing for it. Get your phone out. Everyone else has. At least that is, everyone who, despite arriving after you, hasn’t already been called in to see the doctor. The best thing about the surgery, apart from you probably being the youngest person in there, is the free Wi-Fi for patients and visitors. We know it’s free because the sign on the wall says so. But. Hang on a minute… what’s that other sign next to it?
‘Please refrain from using mobile phones in the clinic’?
Attendance at a Suffolk church has dropped again, despite the promise of eternal life.
St Thomas The Apostle Church in Ipswich has witnessed a steady decline in its flock ever since the New Testament was published in the first century AD. With its far-fetched proverbs and implausible parables, even the most devoted congregant could be forgiven for thinking twice about missing ‘Sunday Brunch’ on Channel 4 for the sake of sitting almost alone in a draughty, brick barn listening to a geriatric living ghost blather on about how “no-one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord” [Deuteronomy 23:1 ESV].
The problem of dwindling congregations has got so bad that Reverend Glynis Galbraith has come up with the novel idea of an ‘interactive death experience’ which can be enjoyed at the church every other week, shortly after evensong, on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Advertised under the banner ‘What happens when you die?’, parishioners are invited to ‘come along and find out’.
The clergy and she
This reporter asked the Rev what’s it all about? “So… people around here tend not to believe that when one’s earthly remains no longer remain, one’s soul either rises up to heaven or descends into the abyss of hell – despite us constantly reminding them of this fate. Therefore, the clergy and I decided to create the conditions of both eventualities here in the church so that congregants can experience firsthand, what it is like to (shouting) DIE, ahem, excuse me, and thereafter be judged.”
Hmmm. Sounds… terrifying.
“Yes. It’s supposed to be. What happens is, as the mortal enters the church, they’re immediately blindfolded and forced to run on the spot for five minutes to simulate near death. Then we spin them around a few times and shove them into the nave, whereupon their senses are stimulated by all manner of provocations including, sacred music mashed with prog rock played by Ethel on the organ, or the choir singing variously ‘O Fortuna ~ Carmina Burana’ by Carl Orff, ‘Bat out of Hell’ by Meatloaf, or ‘Keep A-Knockin’ by Little Richard’. We also have an hour-long cassette of Chris Tarrant asking ‘millionaire’ questions played backward blaring out, and also around thirty pigeons that constantly fly around the interior to simulate angels or devils or whatever beckoning them to their doom. I mean destiny.”
Then what happens?
“That’s it. They are then asked to make a small donation of £20 and to remember the experience.”
And what do your churchgoers think of it? Do they like it?
“No, they think it’s shit. But death is, isn’t it?”
In recent years, mobile betting has grown increasingly popular in the UK. As more and more bookmakers turn their focus towards mobile apps and websites, almost all major UK bookmakers now provide this convenience so bettors can place wagers while on the go.
The growth of mobile betting in the UK has been truly remarkable. By 2022, mobile betting accounted for over 50% of all online bets made within the country — an enormous shift from just a few years ago when it made up only a small portion of the market share. This surge has been spurred on by several factors such as more smartphones becoming available, faster mobile networks emerging, and convenient apps and websites available on mobile platforms.
The proliferation of mobile technology has had a profound effect on all bookmakers. Mobile betting has made it simpler than ever for bettors to place wagers on their favourite sports and events while opening up new markets and opportunities for sportsbooks. Furthermore, mobile betting has helped boost UK’s betting market size as more demographics are eager to partake in wagering activities. In this article, we’ll look into exactly what these platforms bring to the table and if you can benefit from this new pastime.
One major advantage of mobile betting is the accessibility it provides; users can place in-play bets and watch live streaming events while they’re out and about. With mobile betting apps and websites, players can access their favourite sports events from anywhere at any time. That means you won’t miss any action — whether it’s a midweek game or a weekend match — regardless of where you are!
In addition to live streaming, mobile betting apps also offer better in-play betting opportunities. This means that you can place bets on more events underway, and adjust your wagers or cash out your winnings based on the current state of play. Some of the best betting sites even offer the partial cash-out option that allows you to leave a certain amount of your stake in while cashing out a part of your winnings.
Furthermore, mobile betting apps offer up-to-date and accurate information on matches, allowing you to make informed decisions when betting. Whether it’s team news, player injuries or other factors that can affect the outcome of a game, you can access all this information on your mobile device.
Mobile-exclusive promotions and bonuses are another group of factor driving the growing popularity of mobile betting in the UK. Many betting sites and apps provide special deals just for mobile users, such as free bets, enhanced odds, and cashback offers. Mobile-exclusive promotions and bonuses are an effective way for betting companies to incentivize users to download their apps or use their websites.
Mobile betting has positively revolutionised the sports betting landscape, offering more convenience and accessibility than ever before to users. It provides punters with the convenience of placing bets from anywhere, anytime on any sport they choose, making it easier to stay engaged with their favourite matches and make informed decisions when betting. The beauty of mobile betting is that it has removed time and place barriers, allowing punters to catch all their desired sporting action regardless of location or timezone. Whether stuck in traffic, waiting for a friend, or on the go, these apps and websites keep you connected with your favourite sports and allow for instant wagers.
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