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Young farmers impressed by new electric ‘Mini Norfolk’

The Editor
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Young farmers impressed by new electric ‘Mini Norfolk’
Young farmers impressed by new electric ‘Mini Norfolk’
Mini Norfolk “The choice of young Farmers”

British car manufacturer, Mini, (owned by German car manufacturer, BMW) has unveiled the new ‘Mini Norfolk’, specifically for Young Farmers.

Retailing at £29,000. Available in five colours (Muddy Blue, Muck Brown, Straw Yellow, Swine Pink, Hedgerow Green). The impressive electric-powered Mini Norfolk is inspired by the farm machinery and country styling of the wonderful Norfolk countryside.

Key Features Include:-

  • Two massive rear wheels and two small front wheels all with Westwood / Countax tractor tyres.
  • A single large leatherette driver’s seat with a designer tear along one side exposing the foam within.
  • Large, mud-covered, wide-angle wing mirrors to observe the lengthy trail of cars building up behind you as you pootle along a narrow country lane.
  • A built-in, state-of-the-art music player pre-programmed with the Wurzels greatest hits.
  • Adjustable tow bar including combine harvester locking attachment.

Ich Bin Ein Berliner

Mini hopes that the vehicle will appeal to Young farmers, upwardly-mobile farmers, milkmaids, and stable hands.

Young Farmers Club Feedback

James Jenkins of the Norfolk chapter of the National Federation of Young Farmers’ Clubs told this reporter “Mini koindly invoited our members to test droive the Mini Norfolk at their head arfice… in Germany. When we arroived in Munich, we were treated loike king farmers.

There was Bratwurst, Sauerkraut, and Berliner donuts laid arn, arl warshed down with Holsten Pils. Arfter thart, we got behoind the wheel and we arl was skidding around their test track loike nobardy’s business.”

And how did the car fair in your opinion?

“Well as electric car/tractor hybrids go, it ain’t bad at arl. The thing oi loiked best abowt it is its deceptively spacious interior. You can easily fit a large ewe on the backseat.”

Locals up in arms at Co-op’s ‘porno’ breakfast cereals

The Editor
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Locals up in arms at Co-op’s ‘porno’ breakfast cereals
Locals up in arms at Co-op’s ‘porno’ breakfast cereals
Co-op’s ‘porno’ breakfast cereals

Suffolk residents are up in arms at the introduction of ‘pornographic’ breakfast cereals at Co-op’s Lowestoft branch.

In a bid to attract a younger, randier class of clientele, Co-op has introduced a line of ‘top shelf’ cereals that are designed to help ‘get you going’ in the morning. Cereals such as; Fruity Hoops (lol), Coco Munch (snigger), Cinnamon Mini-Buns (chortle), and Comet Balls (guffaw) have all been designated as ‘adult’ cereals and will from now on, only be sold to over 18s.

Co-op Cereals Collection

Lowestoft resident Thomas Crinch, chair of the campaign group Residents AGainst Everything (RAGE) spoke to the SUFFOLK GAZETTE about his member’s concerns (snigger). “Well, it just isn’t on is it? I didn’t fight in the war just so young people can go around chewing on Honey Cups, licking Booty O’s, and enjoying some Deep Sea Crunch before 9.00 am. It’s utterly disgusting and up with it the members of RAGE will not put. That is why we are here today, protesting at this FILTH!”

Other cereal brands that have caused offense to the mainly, older, conservative residents of Lowestoft include; Fingos (snigger), Cream of Wheat (fnarr fnarr), Blueberry Muffin Toasters (giggle), and Double Dip Crunch (double snigger).

Manager of the branch, Dafydd Cowell, defended his decision to introduce the adult breakfast range “Oh, come on! What’s the ham ennet? It’s only a bet of fun ennet?” (Cowell is Welsh.) “Look, everyone I know likes a little rumpy-pumpy en the morning donthey? It’s a luvvly way to start the day, isn’t et? So what’s the ham in having a Home Run Crunch (snigger), firs thing en the morning? No ham at all! Each to their own, I say!”

Mature Breakfast

co-op breakfast cereals
Grano love

Asked if he sympathized with the older residents’ views on morning sex, Cowell replied “Of course I do, that’s why we put in a special cereal just for the olders. It’s called Granolove. Honest!”

ASDA, Leiston: Open and closed at the same time

The Editor
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ASDA, Leiston: Open and closed at the same time
ASDA, Leiston: Open and closed at the same time
Asda leiston sign board

ASDA Supermarket in Leiston is open and closed for business at the same time.

The popular all-night (not all-night) grocery store on Valley Road, is famous for being open 24/7 (not 24/7) providing locals with a one-stop-shop for all their last-minute needs – at any hour of the day (not any hour of the day.)

Doublespeak

Whether it is a pint of milk for that munchy bowl of cornflakes at 3 am on a Saturday morning after a late one out with your mates (milk not available after 2 am on Fridays) or an emergency bog roll early on Sunday morning (toilet tissue not available before 5 am on Sundays), you can get it at ASDA – George Orwell’s favourite supermarket – any time – night or day! (except when closed between 2 – 5 am, Fri-Sun.)

Space time conundrum

Other companies have tried to offer extended opening hours of course. Who can forget 7-11? The shop that despite its hours clearly being 7 am – 11 pm (the clue is in the name) people believed was open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It wasn’t. Had it been, it would have been called 24/7. ASDA Leiston however, truly delivers on its ‘Open 24 hours, 7 days a week’ promise by actually being open ’24 hours, 4 days a week & 21 hours, 3 days a week.’

Confused? Don’t be.

It doesn’t matter that their outside signage is a little unclear or confusing about their opening times, does it? No, of course not! Why not? Because words don’t really matter do they? I mean if your supermarket is not open at all hours, just say it is! Who cares? ASDA cares. They say so on their sign…

ASDA – happy to help every day

(except between 2 – 5 am, Fridays – Sundays)

The last taboo shattered – men’s lingerie is here

The Editor
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The last taboo shattered – men’s lingerie is here
The last taboo shattered - men’s lingerie is here
The last taboo shattered – men’s lingerie is here

“In olden days, a glimpse of stocking

Was looked on as something shocking.

But now, God knows,

Anything goes.”

‘Anything Goes’ by Cole Porter

Ever since Ray Davies of the Kinks wrote in his 1970 gender-bending hit ‘Lola’, “Well, I’m not dumb, but I can’t understand why she walks like a woman and talks like a man” anything goes indeed! And today, in modern, sexy Britain, nothing is unacceptable, beyond the pale, or over the top. Girls can be boys, men can get pregnant and women with actual fannys no longer exist. You can basically be anything you say you are – by simply declaring it. At the drop of a hat, one may become; Chinese, a hermaphrodite, a mustached walrus, a hand-drawn cartoon character, or even one’s favourite root vegetable.

Please, God. No!

There is, however, one remaining taboo. Something so shocking, so bestial, so inhuman that even the British wouldn’t go there – until now. What is this unmentionable, monstrous thing so hideous that it must be concealed from all humanity?…

…Men’s lingerie.

Euuurghhhh.

Men’s lingerie. I can’t even try to imagine it. My brain simply will not process the imagery…

A hairy-backed, bearded man in a black lace bustier and sheer panties. Nope. Literally can’t picture it.

A fat builder wearing a red silky satin chemise. Uh-uh. Doesn’t exist in my mind.

A sweaty rugby player in a strapless bra and crotchless G-string. Hmmm, come to think of it…

Wink wink!

Why has Coke Zero gone up when there is no SUGAR?

The Editor
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Why has Coke Zero gone up when there is no SUGAR?
Why has Coke Zero gone up when there is no SUGAR?
Why has Coke Zero gone up when there is no SUGAR?

Why has Coke Zero gone up when the government’s sugar tax only applies to high-added sugar drinks?

Good question!

In 1927, British astronomer and physicist Sir Arthur Eddington, coined the phrase ‘The arrow of time.’ What he was describing was the immutable flow of time, out of the past, and into the future. He explained that time has a direction – forwards – and that that direction is irreversible. For example, an egg’s shell can be broken, but not unbroken. You cannot go back into the past to unbreak a broken egg.

Coke Zero with no sugar

Now consider the prices we pay for things in the shops. Take, for example, a 330ml can of Coke Zero. When I was a kid, a can of Coke cost 25p. TWENTY-FIVE PENNIES. Today, in Waitrose, the same can will cost you £1.30.

Therein lies the connection between time and money (prices). Prices, like time, only go in one direction, and just as with time, the direction is seemingly irreversible. One cannot go back into the past and pay 25p for a can of Coke Zero, R Whites Lemonade, or Lilt for that matter.

Why is this? Why do prices always go up and never come down again? There’s a word that politicians and business people give this phenomenon… inflation. Inflation is what happens to a balloon when you blow air into it, or what happens to a man’s penis when he takes a Viagra tablet.

What goes up, must go up

Economists will tell you there are a number of causes of inflation – ‘market power’ (businesses charging as much for their products as they think they can get away with), ‘demand pull’ (more people competing for the same goods pushing up prices), ‘asset market boom’ (city boys and brokers dicking around with commodities futures, manipulating prices), and ‘supply shock’ (unpredictable disruption to supply chains such as war, weather, etc.)

It may indeed be the case that there are natural and inevitable causes of inflation leading to perpetual increases in prices. And just as the arrow of time travels in only one direction, it seems that inflation too always travels along that one, pre-determined trajectory…

…right up one’s arse.

Ed Sheeran’s music teacher misses out on new year’s honour

The Editor
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Ed Sheeran’s music teacher misses out on new year’s honour
Ed Sheeran's music teacher misses out on new year’s honour
Ed Sheeran’s music teacher misses out on new year’s honour

Suffolk’s own immigrant folk singer Ed Sheeran’s old music teacher.has narrowly missed-out on an award in King Charles III’s first New Year’s Honours list.

Music teacher Robin Handy, who taught the popular singer at Bob Mills High School in Framlingham,.had been rumoured to be in line to receive the British Empire Medal (BEM) for services to education but,.has instead, been arrested and removed to the Tower of London.on a charge of high crimes and misdemeanors in respect of the significant role he played in Sheeran’s musical output.

Derivative commercial drivel

King Charles is said to be not that bothered about Sheeran’s music including hits,. ‘Shape of You’, ‘Perfect’, and ‘Castle on the Hill’, either way, but Queen Consort Camilla is said to be very much in the ‘against’ camp. This, despite the fact that Camilla’s band,.The Pussycat Dolls comeback record ‘Don’t cha wish your companions were rich like mine?’.was produced and mixed by none other than Sheeran himself. According to one of her close companions, fellow Pussycat Doll, Fiona, Marchioness of Lansdowne,.bitter Camilla thinks Ed’s music is garbage. The Marchioness told us “She thinks his stuff is derivative commercial drivel, recycled in most part from superior artiste’s pre-existing work. ‘Shite’ is the word she used. And she wasn’t happy with Ed’s production of ‘Don’t Cha’ either. She thought her vocals were too low in the mix.”

Keep Britain Tidy

Handy the “Music teacher” is not the only entertainment professional to have fallen foul of jealous Camilla’s new year’s honours list cull. British editorial and celebrity fashion stylist, Barry Lambert, best known for his work styling musician Harry Styles, has allegedly been handed a two-month community service order to pick up litter from around Buckingham Palace as punishment for his part in what Camilla calls “Styles’ laughable ‘fake’ fashion.”

Just gutter get right outta here

Fortunately for him, Queen guitarist, songwriter and animal welfare campaigner Brian May.who famously played ‘God Save The Queen’ on the roof of Buckingham Palace during the Golden Jubilee, avoided Camilla’s cull and has been appointed a Knight Bachelor. Asked about Camilla’s true opinion of May, Marchioness Fiona told us “She hates him. She only allowed the gong on the understanding that he returns to the roof of the palace to dig out the wet leaves from the guttering.”

Suffolk newsagent offers inbred greeting cards

The Editor
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Suffolk newsagent offers inbred greeting cards
Suffolk newsagent offers inbred greeting cards
Suffolk newsagent offers inbred greeting cards

An enterprising newsagent is selling greetings cards catering to the local inbred community of Stowmarket, Suffolk.

Graham Patel, owner of GP Newsagent’s on Station Road, realized there might be a gap in the market for the products after noticing that many of his customers looked the same. “I thought I was going mad y’know?” said Patel as he refilled the refrigerator with Mars Milk drinks. “Every time my bell dinged, I looked up and there they was again. The same person. At least that is what I thought. Turns out they was different people but virtually all related through centuries of inter-breeding. Cor…what a relief. I thought I was going gaga innit!”

It was after one of Graham’s customers asked for a greeting card with a particular message, that he realized he might be able to create the new range of ‘inbred’ greetings cards.

Mother was father’s sister

“So this lady comes in the shop, she was a bit goggle-eyed, like. There’s four or five that come in that look just like her. I wasn’t sure which one she was. Anyway, she asks me ‘have you got a birthday card for an uncle dad?’ Uncle dad? Is that a thing? I asked her. ‘Yeah’ she said ‘It’s my uncle dad’s birthday tomorrow.’ Oh, I said. And then I told her that we didn’t have any cards specifically for uncle dads but suggested that maybe she could buy two cards and stick them together. Which is what she did.”

Newsagent’s Greeting card

Patel told us how over the next few days he asked his goggle-eyed customers about their families to find out what kind of cards might sell well. Once he had a basic grasp of local inbred genealogy, he started to design cards especially for his inbred customers. He showed us a selection…

Lovely sentiment

“The first one was obviously ‘Happy Birthday Uncle Dad! Love ______ and Aunty Mum’ I left a blank there so the customer can just fill out their own name. Then there is ‘A girlfriend is a sister you choose’ – that one has a lovely sentiment. But my favourite is ‘Dear Grandad, you are the best Dad in the world!’ I like that one because it is respectful of the older generation, innit!”

A full selection of inbred greetings cards is available at GP Newsagent’s, Station Road, Stowmarket.

The Best Gambling Locations in Suffolk

The Editor
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The Best Gambling Locations in Suffolk
The Best Gambling Locations in Suffolk
The Best Gambling Locations in Suffolk

There’s a lot to like about Suffolk in East Anglia. Not only does it have plenty of delightful spots to wander around and soak up the scenery, as well as spades of rich history, but it is also a hotspot for gambling. With a good number of ways to bet, Suffolk is the perfect destination for a gambling trip, and we outline all the best places to do this below.

The Best Casinos in Suffolk

While the gambling laws in the United Kingdom are among some of the most relaxed in the world, Suffolk itself doesn’t have a land-based casino.

However, there is a casino just a stone’s throw away in Great Yarmouth that can easily be accessed. The Grosvenor Casino Great Yarmouth is one of 55 around the United Kingdom and boasts 200 slot machines, as well as poker, blackjack and roulette tables. The casino can be found on Marine Parade, within the Shadingfield Lodge.

Where to Play Poker in Suffolk

Casinos may be few and far between in Suffolk, however, the poker scene is still alive and well. This is thanks to the English tradition of playing poker more in pubs than in casinos. This is not to say that there aren’t casinos in the United Kingdom which do host poker games—for these, you can read more at CasinoHawks here, where a wide range of the best casino sites in the UK is available. This means that you are not only limited to poker games but every imaginable casino game that can come up with.

In Suffolk, however, the best poker playing spot is the Ipswich Pub Poker League. This poker venue has been operating for years, and will regularly have prize money as high as £10,000. Stakes vary, and while there certainly are some opportunities to play small stake games, there are also surprisingly high-stake games available for a location such as Suffolk. If you’re just starting in poker, this might be a bit of a baptism by fire.

The Best Gambling Locations in Suffolk
Best Gambling Locations in Suffolk

The Best Place to Bet on Horses in Suffolk

Two things are true about Suffolk residents—they enjoy a good laugh, and they like betting on horses.

In true English style, there are plenty of ways to bet on horse races in Suffolk. In fact, it’s been going on for well over 350 years in the county, ever since King Charles visited in 1666 and commissioned a three-mile, six-furlong course. Now, races run here can be bet on live at the race course, or online, through any number of different sports betting apps.

How to Bet on Sports in Suffolk

Speaking of sports betting, this is another great gambling pastime in Suffolk.

All that’s needed is to walk the streets of Suffolk, and it will soon become apparent that there are plenty of different opportunities to bet on sports. Like most of the rest of the United Kingdom, small sports betting shops abound in the local towns, where bets can be placed in person. If this is a little too old-fashioned for your liking, then bets can always be placed online.

While you’re in Suffolk, however, there’s nothing better than catching an Ipswich Town FC match at Portman Road stadium and placing a bet on the home side live at the grounds.

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