Who wants another English civil war? Put your hands up.
The last proper civil war in England took place in the second half of the 17th Century – if you don’t include the bloodier Brexit referendum of 2016, that is.
The long, drawn-out battles between the Royalists and the Parliamentarians ended with the Parliamentarians, led by the rabble-rousing military commander, Oliver Cromwell, victorious – until he died, at least, and his lot invited Charles II back from exile to be King under a restored monarchy. What a waste of bloody time.
So, if we are to have a new civil war, let’s do it properly this time.
State of the nation
Everyone knows that Northerners are as hard as fuck, and that cissy Southerners are basically rent boys willing to bend over for any Tom, Dick, Francois, or Muhammad that drags themself ashore on a beach anywhere from Devon to Dover.
The residents of the home counties still live at home with mummy and daddy so don’t expect them to have a decisive impact in the battle.
We Suffolkers are of course, as tough as nails, and with our battalions of heavy farm machinery, can easily stand our ground. A potential alliance with the counties of the South West could prove effective by combining their heavy muck artillery with ours, and the artists and artisans of Devon and Cornwall can also be utilized as war artists and poets.
The counties of the midlands, or ‘no man’s land’, will likely prove key battlegrounds and will ultimately have to pick sides. Whether they ally themselves with King Charles III, or a hodge-podge coalition of the parliamentary parties remains to be seen, although my money’s on the King, not least because he is still Commander-in-Chief of the military – or at least those parts that aren’t currently in Cyprus, Kenya, Batuk, Belize, The South Atlantic Islands, Gibraltar, Germany, The Baltics, Iraq, Brunei, Nigeria, Somalia, South Sudan, Mali, and let’s face it, Ukraine.
Wales will provide the catering, while the Scots are currently preoccupied with their own civil war between those who do, and do not wish to rejoin the European Union. If the Scots do decide to fight, expect them to empty the prisons of thousands of transexuals who will almost definitely have something up their kilts.
English Civil War
So there we have it. The stage is set. Let battle commence…