Tuesday, April 2, 2024

M&S announces ‘common sense’ approach to breakfast

M&S announces ‘common sense’ approach to breakfast

Over-priced but beloved British supermarket chain, M&S (No relation to Frank Spencer) has discontinued it’s popular all-day breakfast.

Previously available ‘all day’, the delicious classic M&S English breakfast of; burnt sausages, undercooked bacon, cold beans, slimy mushrooms, watery tomatoes, wet scrambled eggs and soggy toast is now only available in store until 11.30 am.

Big fat sausage

We decided to visit the Heath Retail Park store in Ipswich to ask regular diners what they though about the new breakfast restriction. Georgina Fulcrum, 80, a retired comb tester told me, “Eh? What’s that luv? Eh? All gay breakfasts? Oooh, no, luvvy. I never touch the stuff.”

Brian Edgbaston, 72, a former Mr Suffolk, claimed that the limitation on breakfasts has ruined his life. “I am a man who likes to eat his breakfast in the afternoon. Don’t ask me why. I just do. The new restrictions have ruined my life. Now look at me. It’s 12:45 in the afternoon and I’m eating Chilli Con Carne. What’s going on around here??”

Upper crust cut of

Another geriatric customer, Ena Cluttock, 91, a former lady-in-waiting to Queen Mary, told this reporter, “When I was a gal at the palace, breakfast was strictly between 7.30 and 9.00 am by a whate gloved butler, don’t you know?

Brekkah was a take-a-pew meal with a spoon, a starter fork, and two small starter knives. You, one’s old bean, also have a side plate and napkin. Your brekkah starts with a glass of freshly squeezed orange or apple juice. You then have a cereal, such as bran or similaaar, followed by the full English brekkah, which always includes toast.

M&S breakfast

During the meal, you, one’s old bean, would take teah or cawfee. The toast should arrive with the crusts cut orf and in rectangles. The reason for this is the fact that you, one’s old bean, ne’ah cut toast at the table, nor should you break it.

The pieces in the toast rack should be small enough to eat in a few bites, don’t you know? You apply the buttah and condiment of your choice on the side of your plate and apply it to the toast mwah, mwah, sweetie.

If you have laaargah pieces of toast, dane’t buttah and apply your condiment all in one jolly well go, rahthah, focus on a small piece at a time, but as mentioned, dane’t cut or break it. Understood?”

A spokesperson for M&S told the SUFFOLK GAZETTE, “We have decided to take the common sense approach to breakfast. Everyone knows that breakfast is supposed to be eaten at, well… breakfast time.

In the morning, at least. So that’s what we’ve done. Anything after 11.30 is really lunch, isn’t it? or at the very least, brunch. If you expect to eat breakfast after 11.30 am then might we suggest you are getting out of bed slightly tardily?”

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